The Catchers

by Stuart J. Kent

  “Why…?” but before Jamie could finish his most obvious question, a voice boomed out above their heads.

  “Oi… don’t you know it’s rude to point?” said a large stone face staring down at them from the rock above.

  “Sorry, I was just pointing out to my friend what you were,” replied Colin shouting back up.

  “There’s no need to shout, I’m a mountain, I’m not deaf,” grumbled the rock face.

  “Sorry!” replied Colin again, holding a hand up apologetically.

  “What’s going on? What’s all this shouting about?” asked another rock face on the next mountain inquisitively.

  “It’s those people down there, they’re shouting at me,” replied the first mountain.

  “Do what?” exclaimed the second mountain in disbelief and disgust.

  “We weren’t shouting at you,” said Trixie a little annoyed at their accusations because mountains are renowned for being overdramatic and unnecessarily rude.

  “Yes, you were,” replied the first mountain staring angrily down at her.

  “That’s a terrible thing to do, how dare you!” exclaimed the second mountain in disgust.

  “Have you no manners?”

  “Yes I have actually and we weren’t shouting at you,” grumbled Trixie again as Jamie stared on in amazement that they were having an argument with a mountain.

  “You were! And you’re still doing it now!” snapped the first mountain appalled at Trixie’s behaviour.

  “WE WEREN’T, and I’m not!” shouted Trixie before she quickly lowered her voice realising the mountain was now half-right, as they quite often were.

  “See? There, you did it again,” cried the first mountain in horror.

  “Oh how disgraceful, when will this hate ever end?” cried the second mountain despairingly. “Why don’t you just leave us alone?”

  “Yes, I think we will and we are very sorry for whatever it is you think we did,” replied Colin before quickly pulling Trixie away from the rock. Colin then picked up the magic door from the back of the cart and quickly he placed it against a nearby tree, and then gave it a tap with his wand.

  “Come on everybody, let’s move on,” he said, opening the door for them to step through.

  “They really do moan!” Jamie said in amazement as he followed Trixie.

  “All the time!” replied Trixie with a despairing sigh.

  As the little group disappeared through the magic door, the mountains sat watching them leave.

  “Good riddance!” muttered the second mountain as they disappeared out of sight.

  “Fleshies, they have no manners whatsoever, I think I shall write a strongly worded letter of complaint to their council,” said the first mountain.

  “You have no arms, Arnold, how are you going to write a letter with no arms?” replied the second mountain.

  “Oh, boulders!” cursed the first mountain annoyed at the one flaw in his perfect plan.

  The little band of catchers now stood on the other side of the door and they found themselves in a typical small English back garden, with its bountiful overflowing flower beds, and a lovely well-kept perfectly mowed green lawn, and all of it surrounded by a lovely brown painted wooden fence that kept strangers from peering in and gave us endless hours of home videos of cats walking along the top of the fence line until they slip off and fall into the bushes below, oh how we laugh.

  “Where are we?” asked Trixie, whispering.

  Colin licked his finger and held it up for a moment.

  “Bolton, I think, or maybe Sussex, or even possibly Exeter,” he replied with a smile.

  “You don’t know, do you?” Trixie said, sensing her uncle’s subtle sarcasm.

  “Haven’t the foggiest and it doesn’t really matter anyway, just spread out and keep your eyes open for the gnome,” he replied.

  Marty then spoke up from Colin’s top pocket.

  “We might have a problem here,” he exclaimed pointing across the garden to the flowerbeds and bushes nearest to them. The others stared in the direction he was indicating and quickly became aware of a dozen or more pairs of eyes staring blankly back at them.

  “Oh, sherbet sticks!” muttered Colin under his breath as he and his apprentices realised there were at least twelve or more gnomes peering out from the flowerbeds staring back at them.

  “How do we catch all these?” asked Trixie worriedly.

  Colin stared at them for a long hard minute and then something they were doing made him say,

  “I don’t think they’re all real, actually.”

  “Really?” exclaimed Trixie in surprise.

  “Yes, look, they are not moving, they are not even twitching, they are completely lifeless.” continued Colin.

  “Oh yeah, they must be made of concrete or plastic,” said Jamie before he reached over and tapped the nearest one on the head, getting a low thud noise in return. “My mum has one in our garden.”

  “Really?” exclaimed Trixie in amazement that a human would do such a weird thing. “So which one is the real one then?” she asked curiously.

  They all then stood looking at the dozen gnomes staring back at them and silently pondered the problem for a moment.

  “Jamie, what does the little blue book say?” asked Colin finally breaking the silence.

  Jamie pulled the little book out of his jeans pocket and quickly flicked through the slightly crumpled pages.

  “Got it!” he said finally finding the right page. “Gnomes are garden guardians, they like pretty, coloured flowers and thick, thriving shrubberies, and will defend the land from intruders, cats and marauding orc armies.”

  “Okay, but how does that help us?” asked Trixie inquisitively.

  “Watch!” replied Colin and then he carefully moved to a flowerbed, selected one small, delicate yellow flower and plucked it swiftly from the ground. Suddenly there was a low growl from the bushes and everybody quickly glanced around at the different gnomes trying to find the origin of the low grumbling noise.

  “Where is it? Did you see it?” asked Colin quietly.

  “No,” came the universal response from the others.

  “Okay then, let’s try something else,” he said before he lent over, took hold of another slightly larger bushier plant, and gave it a good tug, lifting it roughly from the earth.

  Another, louder growl made everyone jump again, and once more they all quickly looked around the garden for the source, but to no avail.

  “This isn’t working,” Trixie said despairingly.

  “Surely there’s got to be a better way?”

  “There isn’t another way, and don’t call me Shirley,” replied Colin.

  “Here, let me try,” Marty said before jumping out of Colin’s top pocket and landing on the big green grassy lawn. He cleared his throat and began talking very loudly.

  “WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?” he said casually strolling to the flowerbed where a big red flower sat. “A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN FULL OF FLOWERS, MAYBE I SHOULD PICK A COUPLE…” he continued as the growling quickly got louder. “AND THEN PERHAPS, I SHALL EAT THEM,” Marty added winking at the others. Suddenly, bursting from the bottom of a nearby bush, a little ten-inch-tall man in a red pointy hat, with a white beard, who was wearing a little blue cotton jacket and red cord trousers and a pair of black boots, came running out angrily.

  “Here we go!” exclaimed Marty excitedly as he spotted the gnome charging towards him.

  “Catch it then!” he cried before turning and high-tailing it across the well-kept lawn.

  “I’ve got it!” shouted Colin before diving down quickly and landing in a big heap on the grass.

  Unfortunately the gnome shot straight under him and continued on after Marty.

  “You missed, you big ha
iry idiot, you missed!” shouted Marty in horror as he began to run faster from the chasing gnome.

  “I’ve got it!” Trixie and Jamie both cried at the same time as they leapt to the ground, unfortunately they both missed as well, and instead bumped heads as they collided into each other, and ended up in a pile on the ground in joint agony.

  “My head!” groaned Jamie.

  “Mine too!” groaned Trixie.

  “You’re all blooming rubbish!” cried Marty, a little angry, as he was having to do something useful for once. “You should be clowns in a circus!” he grumbled as he shot past them for his first full lap of the garden, still being chased by the angry gnome.

  Colin then got to his feet, dusted himself down and then stepped into the middle of the lawn.

  “Just keep running, I’ll get him this time” he said positioning himself ready for Marty to come running past again.

  “Aha!” Colin cried out as he leapt like a cricketer trying to catch a rolling ball, as the gnome passed by him again. Unfortunately, once again he failed and the little gnome ran straight under him, and Colin ended up crashing head first into the flowering plant beds instead. He sat up and, spitting out a mouthful of orange petals, mumbled, “Geraniums!” annoyed at his failure once again.

  Suddenly, the gnome stopped running after Marty, and instead he stared angrily at Colin for a moment, and then letting out a little roar he ran towards the fallen wizard.

  “Oh at last!” sighed Marty collapsing exhausted on the lawn.

  “UH OH!” Colin said in horror seeing the little angry man racing towards him. He screamed as the gnome launched itself at him, and to everyone else’s amazement they began to roll around amongst the plants screaming and thrashing about.

  “Get him off, get him off!” cried Colin as his arms and legs went in all directions as he tried to fight off the little angry gnome.

  “Stay still, you’re only making him angrier,” cried Trixie racing over to help.

  “He’s biting me, the little blighter’s biting me!” cried Colin in painful distress.

  “Where is he?” asked Jamie also running over to help.

  “Here!” exclaimed Colin sitting up and then holding up his arm so the others could see the little gnome, who was now gnawing angrily on Colin’s elbow.

  Jamie grabbed the gnome with two hands, but the gnome wasn’t ready to give up yet and remained clamped to Colin’s elbow biting into his leather sleeve.

  “Pull him off me!” groaned Colin.

  “He won’t let go,” replied Jamie, desperately trying to pull him away.

  “Oh my arm!” cried Colin in pain trying to pull away from the little man’s bite.

  Just then an old, grey-haired neighbour walked pass the fence line and hearing the noise peered over at them, everybody immediately froze and stared back at him.

  “Morning” said Colin with a slight smile. “Nice day for it.”

  “Aye!” replied the nosey neighbour with a stunned look on his face before he turned and quickly walked away.

  Then the commotion started again.

  “My elbow!” groaned Colin once more as Jamie attempted to pull the gnome off him again.

  Then Trixie had an idea, and she quickly took hold of another flowering plant.

  “Hey, Gnomie, watch this!” she grinned naughtily before tugging it out of the ground.

  The gnome immediately let go of Colin’s arm and with another angry roar tried to charge towards Trixie.

  “Oh poppies!” cried Jamie in horror as the gnome lurched forward so quickly that he began to drag Jamie with him. “HELP ME!” he cried as the gnome pulled him helplessly through colourful flowerbeds at speed.

  “Hold on!” Trixie replied standing ready to catch the gnome.

  Then as the gnome, growling angrily, almost reached her, she pulled a small wooden cage out from inside her jacket and dropped it perfectly over the gnome trapping him inside just as Jamie finally let go. Then placing one foot on top of the cage heroically, she grinned triumphantly at finally catching the gnome.

  “Well that was easy… ish!” she said beaming from ear to ear.

  “If you say so,” mumbled Jamie lying on the grass and spitting out a mouthful of plant, as Colin was doing something similar and Marty was still lying down catching his breath.

  They all then got to their feet and quickly brushed themselves clean.

  “Oh dear!” exclaimed Colin looking at the mess they had now made of the flourishing flowerbeds. “I think we better leave, quickly,” he added so they all quickly hurried out of the garden, through the magic door and back into the magical world.

  “Oh that stings!” Colin groaned as he removed a rose thorn from his left buttock cheek as they made their way towards the cart.

  “So what do you think of it so far?” asked Trixie looking at Jamie.

  “It’s brilliant!” replied Jamie with a big smile.

  Then they placed the cage holding the gnome in the back of the cart and once again they were on their way.

  “Next stop, the Krampus!” Colin smiled as the cart trundled forwards.

  “Good and don’t come back!” grumbled the moaning mountain as they headed away along the track.

  It was just a short ride to their next location, the blue snow valley that lay in the heart of the purple mountains.

  “Wow, blue snow!” chuckled Jamie picking some up. “I’ve never seen blue snow before.”

  “It gets its colour from the mountains around us,” replied Trixie.

  “Really!” said Jamie, intrigued to hear how.

  “Oh yes, the colour literally runs out of the mountains into the snow, of course I did suggest someone could use some kind of colour detergent to stop this happening, but apparently people like it, so there we go,” Colin sighed, knowing his brilliant idea would never be used. “Anyway,” he then muttered before quickly setting up the door again, and then they crossed through into human Wales where they spent a very exhausting couple of hours chasing the Krampus around the Welsh mountains, until finally they captured it.

  “See, I said it would work,” Trixie grinned, proud that her idea had, as she passed Jamie an old tin can.

  “Here you go,” said Jamie holding the empty metal container up so the old shaggy grey-haired goat could take it from his hand. The goat quickly snatched it from him and then stood there chewing on it as they secured him in the back of the cart.

  “I know goats eat anything but that’s just weird!” Jamie muttered watching the goat scoff it down.

  “It’s a Krampus, it’s what they eat” shrugged Trixie not understanding the weirdness.

  “Two down, one to go,” said Colin happily before wiping his forehead with a handkerchief he pulled from his pocket. “A very good morning indeed.”

  Jamie climbed into the back of cart with the goat as the other climbed aboard on the front seat ready to move on.

  “So, we just need to capture the Aguane, our last creature for the day?” he asked.

  “Yep, and then I think we will head back to the village for some lunch,” Colin said happily.

  “Great, I’m starving,” declared Marty rubbing his little plump belly.

  “You’re always hungry,” remarked Trixie before her belly suddenly rumbled making her blush.

  “Sounds like I’m not the only one,” replied Marty giving Jamie a wink.

  “Yes, I’m a little peckish too!” added Colin patting his stomach. “But first the Aguane”

  After a few more minutes of fast Streak-travelling, which would be an hour or so in normal human travelling time, they arrived at one of the most beautiful magical places in the whole magical world.

  “The Golden Lake!” exclaimed Trixie, pointing up at the big green and gold sign as they passed underneath i
t, as they arrived at their final destination for the day.

  “One beautiful golden lake surrounded by the bluest trees, the brightest rainbow-coloured grass, and of course overlooked by the most magnificent mountain range ever, the Mountains of Wonder.”

  “What are the mountains of wonder?” asked Jamie.

  “A set of shimmering silver rock peaks, which at night glow perfectly white.”

  “Really?” asked Jamie in disbelief.

  “Yep!” replied Trixie nodding. “Hence the name, the mountains of wonder.”

  “Well, what else would they call them, the mountains of glow?” chuckled Marty sarcastically.

  “The shimmering peaks?” added Colin.

  “The nightlights of Golden Lake?” said Jamie laughing, but unfortunately the others had never heard of a nightlight before so they just sat looking very puzzled.

  Colin then halted the cart in an open grass area near to the lake and Jamie could see the whole magical place for the first time.

  “Wow, that’s amazing!” he gasped excitedly looking around.

  “It’s something all right,” agreed Marty. “In fact, I’m amazed some big corporation hasn’t bought it up already and turned it into a theme park actually.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” replied Trixie scoffing at his idea.

  “What would they call it, the most Magical Place in the World!” she said mockingly. “Then what? Would they build a giant pink castle and maybe have some sort animal mascot running around it greeting people as they arrive and posing for photos… as if, that’s just ridiculous!” she continued, snorting a sarcastic laugh.

  Meanwhile, Colin pulled the door from the cart and then placed it against a wooden fence next to where they had stopped, he then took a step back and once again tapped it with his crooked old wand.

  “Okay, let’s get this over with,” he sighed before opening the door and then stepping through.

  The others followed him in and on the other side they emerged into a very familiar place. In fact, it was almost the same identical place they had just left, except that the lake was a normal watery blue, the grass was green, and the trees were a different shade of green and the mountains a grey stone colour.