Draw Me Close

by Nicole Michaels

  But why bother, really? Their past was just that. The past. Whatever his reasons for leaving her, it was no longer her problem. She had a plan to keep her distance while they worked on the farmhouse project, and if she stayed strong she would be fine. Just fine. She was always fine. She’d been fine for years. Fine. Fine. Fine.

  Don’t cry, Lindsey.

  “Of course we’re ready. Come on, Claire.” Picking up their sled, Lindsey walked toward the line of people waiting their turn. Claire stood beside her, peeking around the milling bodies, watching people descend.

  Lindsey knew Derek and his son stood behind them, but she didn’t dare turn around. She knew it was rude, she’d just been introduced to the boy, but she could not look at them anymore. It was bad enough hearing their conversation behind her.

  “Dude, was that your stomach growling?” Derek asked in an amused tone.

  The mini-Derek laughed. A full-out little-boy giggle. Lindsey clamped her eyes shut. Why was it always her listening in on the laughter of other families? Never part of it. Never for her.

  “We’ll go get some pizza after we leave here,” Derek told his son.

  Finally they were up and Lindsey looked down the hill with a twinge of unease. It was much steeper than it appeared from the base. And higher. She let her eyes roam until she made out Anne’s red coat in the distance. She looked pretty darn small way down there, and now it was apparent why she’d chosen to stay at the bottom. Lindsey swallowed.

  Behind her Derek spoke quietly. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she said without turning. “Ready, Bug?”

  “Uhhh.” Great. Claire was scared also. Was a fear of heights genetic? Either way, neither of them were running in fear. Of the man behind them or the drop ahead.

  Lindsey bent over and dropped the sled in front of them. “We can do it, Claire. It’s gonna be so much fun.”

  Debating the best way to gracefully plop down on the sled, Lindsey straddled the purple plastic. When it began to slide, a big booted foot came out to stop it.

  “I got it. Sit down,” Derek said. She chose not to give him the satisfaction of looking up into his eyes. Instead she leaned down, rested one glove in the snow and eased herself into the back of the plastic. Her butt instantly froze. She adjusted her legs and patted the space between them.

  “Okay, sweetie. Climb in,” she said to Claire.

  Claire hesitated. She glanced from Lindsey down to where her mother waited. She was at the bottom of the run waving her encouragement.

  “I’m scared,” Claire whispered, her glove making a scratching noise as it brushed Lindsey’s shoulder.

  “It’s okay, Claire. It will be fun. Promise.” Lindsey couldn’t very well admit to the six-year-old that she was a little intimidated, too. She patted the space between her legs again, sensing the restlessness of the line growing behind them. “Your mom will love watching you. And the sooner we get down there the faster you can have some of that hot cocoa.”

  Claire paused, glanced over Lindsey’s head, presumably at Derek and Tanner.

  “I promise you’ll love it, Claire,” Derek said. “How about I take a video of you on my phone and we can send it to Mike? He’ll be so proud of you.”

  Lindsey’s insides twisted at the paternal way Derek spoke to Claire. There was absolutely no doubt in her mind that Derek was a wonderful father. And his idea to film it for Mike was good. Claire adored Mike and would be thrilled to send him the video.

  Claire grinned. “Yes, please.”

  But of course now Derek was going to do the honors, meaning he would have footage of her, Lindsey, in this ginormous Michelin-man ski jacket she’d borrowed from Anne. Oh well, she’d have to suck it up. Claire climbed in and snuggled between Lindsey’s bent legs. No going back now.

  “Okay, hold on,” Derek said. Lindsey could feel the toe of his boot resting against her backside. “Ready, ladies?”

  “Ready,” Claire called.

  Lindsey felt Derek’s foot shove the back of the sled and she instinctively gripped the little person in front of her as they flew down the hill. Through the piercing cry that broke free from Claire’s mouth Lindsey briefly registered the rumble of Derek’s laugh. But it didn’t last as they sailed down, Claire’s screams turning into giggles. Lindsey felt the snow bump under her rear, at some point they seemed to catch air, and then all too quickly they were coasting along the flat base of the hill. Lindsey put her legs out to the side to stop them—frigid snow rushing up her pant legs. As soon as she was able Claire rocketed out of her seat, running to Anne, laughing and screaming.

  Lindsey realized she’d been grinning like an idiot the whole way down. She stood up and turned to look up to the top of the hill. She found Derek quickly with that atrocious hat on, even though many bodies dotted the area in front of the trees. He gave her a small wave before he and Tanner sat down on their own sleds.

  Lindsey’s smile vanished, the reality of what had just transpired finally sinking in. He truly hadn’t been in love with her. All that time he’d been with someone else and that someone had given birth to his child. This handsome little boy. None of it had been what she’d thought it was. Those feelings she was certain he’d revealed in his touch, his kiss, his looks … clearly she’d dreamed them up.

  The only time wasted was all the years you weren’t mine.

  What did all of this mean? Had he made a mistake? Well, regret was a hard pill to swallow and it was too little too late with her. Not that he’d implied he wanted anything more than for her to understand. She was clearly a piece of his guilty conscience because he’d made her fall in love with him. And then he’d abandoned her.

  Well, she’d just have to convince him that she was in no need of his apology or pity. These days she decided what happened to her and she was determined to be stronger. She’d done her fair share of being a pushover. Sometimes out of love like with her father. But sometimes out of fear, which she couldn’t allow to happen. No longer.

  She would use Derek’s return into her sphere to mark the beginning of a new Lindsey. She knew if she didn’t learn to stand up for herself, Derek Walsh had the power to destroy her heart all over again.

  Four

  She knew.

  He’d seen it in her eyes, the way she’d glanced between Tanner and Claire, trying to assess his age, work out the time line. Obviously Derek had planned to tell her when the time was right, and this had most definitely not been that time.

  He’d wanted the right setting, the perfect lead-in. Wasn’t gonna happen.

  Damn it.

  He should have just said it the last time he’d seen her. To hell with her not being ready. He’d never dreamed they would run into Lindsey at the Hill. She didn’t even live in Preston. Although Derek couldn’t deny that a tiny part of him was relieved, okay, maybe a big part. Now maybe they could finally have the conversation that needed to be had. Say the things that should have been said years ago. He hoped that he could finally make Lindsey see why things had happened the way they did. Surely she would give him that now. But if he were to be honest, he was still a little fearful she wouldn’t be willing.

  He couldn’t accept that. He would beg her to hear him out if he had to. He wanted Lindsey’s forgiveness. Wanted them to move past what had happened.

  From a distance Derek watched as Lindsey trudged up the hill once more, Claire yapping along beside her. Lindsey looked exhausted, her legs dragging and her shoulders slumped. This was trip six up the hill for them. Actually eight for Claire. She and another little girl had gone together a few times and Lindsey had waited for Claire at the top. Not that he’d kept tabs on her the whole time. Okay, he’d definitely been watching her all morning. Couldn’t help himself.

  How she managed to look sexy in that damn puffy coat he couldn’t say, but she did. Maybe it was because he’d seen enough of her in the past to know what was concealed beneath. Lindsey’s body had always been breathtaking, but the years had been good to her. Full hips an
d thighs, round ass. Her breasts used to fit perfectly in his hand but he could tell that even those were fuller. He imagined the weight of them, the satiny feel of her nipples against his lips.

  Derek clamped his teeth together, lifted his stocking cap to scratch at his hair and then pulled it back down on his head. He really had to stop having thoughts about her like that. Starting things back up with Lindsey was not only slim to none in the chances department, but also a bad idea. He wasn’t in a place to have a serious relationship and the last thing he could ever allow himself to do was hurt Lindsey again.

  As they ascended the summit Derek and Tanner headed toward the ever-growing line. All the while he watched as Claire, Lindsey, and what appeared to be Mike’s niece Bailey spoke a little farther down the hill. He hadn’t yet seen Mike’s sister here, but obviously she’d brought her daughter. Derek knew the two little girls were best friends from school. In fact, it was that friendship that had brought Mike and Anne together in the first place.

  Derek continued to watch them as Lindsey pulled something out of her pocket. It was blue and egg shaped. She twisted it apart and rubbed it on her lips. He angled his body away—concealed by a group of kids—but continued to watch her through his dark sunglasses, her lips rubbing against one another as she shoved what had to have been lip gloss back into her coat pocket. Her head turned in his direction then, and he looked away.

  After a few minutes it was nearly their turn to go down when Tanner patted Derek’s arm.

  “Look, they’re going to the big drop.”

  “Damn,” Derek muttered under his breath. For just a moment he considered how interesting it was that his son had apparently caught on that the girls were to be watched, but he didn’t have time to analyze whether he was being too obvious in his interest. He motioned for Tanner to step out of line and follow him.

  “Dad. What are you doing? Are we almost done?”

  With a quick hush, Derek led them over to where the girls had gone. The big drop was the tallest, steepest section of the Hill. It was frequented by teenage boys and snowboarders looking for a little more of a thrill. Kids were known to use it too occasionally, but it certainly wasn’t as popular with them. Derek suspected many parents prohibited their kids from going down it, although there wasn’t anything truly unsafe about it. He and Tanner usually saved it for last, since you always wiped out at the end and left with snow shoved into every available crevice.

  He wasn’t really certain why Lindsey was taking the girls over there. Didn’t really seem like their kind of gig considering she and Claire had both started out a little fearful.

  Derek and Tanner followed them and came up behind where they stood watching a few boys do tricks on their snowboards.

  “You gonna try it?” he asked.

  Lindsey jumped and jerked her head around. “I need to put a bell around your neck.”

  Derek couldn’t help chuckling. He stepped around to face her. “That would take all the fun out of things.”

  Lindsey gave him a sidelong glance before finally dropping her shoulders. “Claire and Bailey want to go down this hill. Claire on her own sled. Is it safe?”

  “I go all the time. Uncle Mike took me when I was three.” Bailey put a hand on her hip. Lindsey and Derek looked at each other, and for just a moment he thought they might almost laugh together. But she collected herself.

  “I don’t doubt Mike did that,” Derek said. He knew his friend well.

  “He did!” Bailey continued. “Claire and me can go by ourselves. It will be so fun.”

  “Please, Lindsey,” Claire whined before turning to look up at Derek. “Will you record it again and send it to Mike? I want him to see me do it, too.”

  The girls nearly bounced in their boots with anticipation. Not for the first tim, Derek was a little grateful he didn’t have girls. They were a handful, and he was certain that Claire was a little jealous because Bailey had gone down the steep hill with her soon-to-be-stepdad and she hadn’t.

  “I’m gonna have to leave this one up to Lindsey,” he said in response to Claire.

  Lindsey eyed him for a moment and then glanced around him to look at the drop.

  “I just don’t know…” she said, her voice hesitant.

  “Please, Lindsey?” Claire begged.

  “I’m gonna call your mom and ask her.” Lindsey quickly pulled her phone from a zipped pocket inside her coat, stepped to the side and briefly spoke to Anne. After a second she came back, her face twisted in uncertainty.

  “Okay, she said yes, but you have to wait till she can get to the bottom on this end before you go,” Lindsey said. She put up a finger and wagged it as she spoke. “And you have to stop yourself at the end otherwise you’ll coast toward the creek.”

  “I will,” Claire said.

  “No worries there,” Derek couldn’t help interjecting. “They probably won’t even make it that far. Not heavy enough. Even Tanner and I usually wipe out after that bottom run.”

  Lindsey’s head tilted to the side as she looked at him wide-eyed. “Are you trying to make me change my mind?”

  Derek grinned. “Just giving you all the facts. They’ll be fine.”

  They all watched in silence as Anne—along with Mike’s sister Erin—made their way across the field below and stood toward the bottom of the hill in front of them. Anne gave a wave and then Lindsey looked down at Claire.

  “All right, please be careful.” Lindsey dropped the sled onto the snow. While she got the girls situated, Derek quietly motioned for his son to go ahead and descend also. Tanner nodded and sat down on his disc sled. If he and Lindsey were here together he was going to use this situation to his advantage. There was no way he was going to walk away from her today without some kind of conversation taking place between them.

  “Why don’t you watch Tanner go first?” Derek suggested. At his words, Tanner took off down the hill. They all watched as he disappeared over the steep slope, reappeared and then bumped a few times, and finally wiped out about eight feet from Anne and Erin. Tanner waved as soon as he got up.

  “That doesn’t look too bad, does it?” Lindsey asked aloud, although Derek had a feeling she was trying to convince herself. “Okay, on three.”

  She began to count and on her mark, Lindsey pushed the sled over the crest and the girls instantly began to scream. The sound of Lindsey’s laughter sent an ache through Derek’s body. God, she had the most beautiful laugh. He hadn’t heard that sound in years, but it felt like yesterday.

  Derek stepped beside Lindsey. She was focused intently on Claire and Anne at the bottom of the hill, a faint smile teasing her lips. Her face was reddened from the cold wind, highlighting her cheekbones and drawing his attention to her eyes. She had the longest eyelashes. When she caught him staring her expression fell. Clearly she would be happier anywhere else but standing at the top of the hill alone with him.

  “You look pretty today,” he said. Instantly he regretted opening with such a line. It was ridiculous considering their current state of affairs, but he definitely meant it. She always looked beautiful and he wanted her to know he thought so.

  She gave him a quick look of surprise that blurred into annoyance, but she said nothing.

  “Okay, no compliments. Noted.” Derek shook his head. “So, we going to talk? I think we both know it’s necessary.”

  “Absolutely not.” She didn’t even bother looking at him.

  Derek’s shoulders dropped. “Lindse—”

  “Stop.” She turned hard, pointing a finger into his chest. He could barely feel it through the bulk of his coat, but the fury in her eyes entranced him. “Don’t do it. I’m telling you now, you better stop talking.”

  He sucked in a breath, a little shocked at her outburst. “Okay. Fine.” Her hand dropped and Derek angled his head toward the woods at their back. “So you gonna grab a log to slide down on?”

  “I’ll just wait for Claire to come back up.”

  “Oh please, that’ll take ten m
inutes,” he said.

  Just then her phone rang. As she looked down and then answered it, he happened to notice Anne at the base of the hill, her phone to her ear.

  “Hey,” Lindsey said, her voice turning friendly as she stepped toward the trees. “No, everything’s fine.” A pause. “He what? Oh crap. Okay, bye.”

  “What’s wrong?” Derek asked.

  “Apparently your son informed Anne that we were probably up here fighting.”

  “Damn.” Derek put his hands on his hips and glanced back down the hill. Anne had led the kids away and was filling cups out of a thermos. He caught Tanner glancing up at him and Lindsey before he turned back to the group. His kid was obviously a lot more intuitive than he ever suspected.

  “How old is he?” Her question sliced through Derek’s thoughts like a knife. He’d known the conversation was coming. Had wanted it. But the reality of facing her, telling her the truth, was going to kill him.

  Here we go.

  Derek blew out a breath and stood straight. He looked directly into Lindsey’s eyes. She deserved that. “Tanner will be eight in June.”

  Her lips twisted to the side and she began to shake her head. As if she were still working through the information.

  Or trying not to cry. She turned away once more but he ducked in front of her, effectively cutting her off.

  “Lindsey, talk to me. Don’t pull away. I want to make things right.”

  She choked out a bitter laugh. “Make things right? Are you serious? There is no making anything right. There is only moving on, which I keep trying to do but you’re making it very difficult.” Her voice broke on the last few words and he was certain he could feel her pain in his chest.

  He took a tentative step closer. So close that he had to tilt his head down to look at her face. She stared right at his chest, lips pursed. “There are so many things I want to say to you. Obviously … I wasn’t honest with you. Not always, but that day. That day I lied to you and I owe you an explanation.”

  She scoffed and then met his eyes, her expression indignant. Her teeth clamped down, her emotions turned to fury as she spoke. “God, you’re an ass. An explanation? You have an eight-year-old son, Derek. With that knowledge I’m pretty sure I don’t give a damn what you have to say to me.”