A Is for Abstinence

by Kelly Oram

  “Well, we should really get going now and let you guys enjoy this,” I said. “Congratulations.”

  Robin and Alan barely glanced up at us to say their good-byes and thank us for the ride. Val promised she’d be back tomorrow to hold the baby once she was free of saltwater and sand.

  We were both quiet all the way back to my car, and for a minute we just sat there in the parking lot letting everything we’d just experienced sink in.

  “That was incredible, wasn’t it?” Val murmured.

  I didn’t know what else to say but “Yeah. Crazy.”

  Val snapped out of her daze and smiled at me. “You feeling better now?”

  I still felt a little queasy, but I nodded. “You women are tough.”

  “And you men are really a bunch of big softies.” She took my hand and squeezed it. “But that’s why we like you.”

  Val smiled at me so brightly that her eyes shone, and for a moment I imagined what it would be like for us to be in Robin’s and Alan’s shoes. Obviously I was nowhere near ready for kids—if anything, this experience had pushed kids back a good twenty years on my agenda—but I realized that the kind of relationship Robin and Alan had was something I wanted. Not just that I wanted it, I was ready for it. I wanted what Robin and Alan had, and I wanted it with Val. I just didn’t know how to make it happen.

  I finally started the car, and Val and I drove in comfortable silence, our hands still entwined, until I missed the turnoff to take her back to Cara and Shane’s place. “That was the exit,” she said.

  “That was the exit for Cara and Shane’s place,” I said, “but yesterday you agreed to be mine tonight so we’re going to my place, at least for a couple hours.”

  Val opened her mouth to say something but closed it again and went back to looking out the window. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or not. I got the impression she didn’t want to go to my place, but that she didn’t feel like she could argue.

  That horrible weight returned to my stomach and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I almost turned around and took her home, but I decided we needed to confront this even if it meant losing her. I couldn’t live in this relationship halfway anymore.

  We were both quiet the rest of the way home and Val was very tense as she followed me inside. I hated how nervous I felt. She was my girlfriend. We’d been together for over six weeks. I should be able to bring her home to my house without feeling like I’d kidnapped her.

  “So.” I cleared my throat, hoping to get rid of the lump in it. “Are you hungry? We could order in.”

  “Actually, if it’s okay with you, I think I’d like to wash the ocean off of me first.”

  Mental images swarmed my head in a dangerous way. Fantasies that should definitely not become reality. “Um…” I had to clear my throat again. Stupid thing was so dry my voice didn’t want to work. “I think I can help with that.”

  I dragged her across the house to the pool in my backyard. I lived up on the bluff, so I didn’t really have much of a backyard beyond my patio and the pool. I had one of those infinity pools, so it looked like you could swim right over the edge into the ocean. The view was amazing.

  The sun was starting to dip low in the sky, which made the sight all the more spectacular. In ten minutes it would hit the horizon and paint a vivid portrait of oranges and purples across the sky. There’s nothing like a Southern California sunset over the Pacific Ocean.

  “What are we doing?” Val asked after taking in the view for a moment.

  I took off my shirt—a standard green hospital scrub top that the staff had scrounged up for me—and dipped my foot into the water. “We’re washing the beach off of us. You’re not scared of all water, are you?”

  “No, just the ocean and lakes and stuff I can’t see through, but—”

  “Don’t worry, the water’s heated. It’s a lot warmer than what we swam in earlier.”

  Val continued to eye the pool dubiously, so I slipped into the water. I dunked myself and scrubbed my hair really good before resurfacing. “Come swim with me, Val. Just long enough to watch the sun set, and then you can go take a shower.”

  Val sighed, but she cracked a small smile. “You just want to see me in my bikini.”

  I grinned, grateful for the break in tension. “The thought had crossed my mind.”

  I waited, determined to win the staring match we were suddenly lost in. Luckily, she cracked first and pulled her ocean-crusty sundress over her head.

  My mouth went dry again. Ms. College Athlete was everything I knew she’d be. Beautiful, fair skin that looked soft and hard all at the same time. She was toned without looking overly so, and her figure was nothing to scoff at. I knew she was self-conscious about her chest, but she filled out that top just fine. And she had this smallish dark pink birthmark high up on her left hipbone just above her bikini. My entire body ached at the thought of kissing that birthmark.

  Val caught me wetting my lips and blushed a rosy pink. It only made me want her more. “You’re beautiful, Val,” I rasped. “So beautiful.”

  When she slipped into the water, I think it was to hide herself from my hungry gaze. I ducked myself beneath the surface again, trying to clear my head. I had to keep my control, hopeless and impossible a task as that seemed.

  When I came back up, Val was within arm’s reach. I wanted to pull her to me, but I resisted. She was still on edge. I held out my hand, hoping she’d come to me on her own and was surprised when she did.

  “Come look at this.”

  I took her hand and waded over to the vanishing edge of the pool. I felt her reluctance and pulled her a little closer to me. “You’re perfectly safe. You can’t really go over the edge.”

  “I know, but it just looks so dangerous.”

  “The only dangerous thing in this pool is that swimsuit you’re wearing.”

  The comment earned me an exasperated sigh and a smile.

  We reached the edge of the pool and I pointed out the ledge beneath the water that worked as a bench for us to sit on. Val looked relieved to feel the solid concrete beneath her. From the edge of the pool, we could see the edge of the bluff just six short feet away, where the ground really did drop out of sight, and an endless ocean beyond that.

  “It’s breathtaking,” Val whispered.

  She moved closer to me, nestling herself against me with a silent command for me to wrap my arms around her. I pulled her back to my chest, letting her sit on the ledge between my legs. She leaned back and her entire body relaxed against me. After a moment she sighed in utter content. “Thank you, Kyle. I needed this after today.”

  I chuckled. “Me too. I told you my mom’s a bit much.”

  I heard the smile in Val’s reply. “She meant well.”

  “Only because she likes you. She can be ruthless when she disapproves of people.”

  “Well, we’ll just consider ourselves lucky that I made the approved list.”

  “It is nice,” I admitted. “I think you’re the first girl I’ve introduced her to that actually made the cut. Now you can’t ever dump me. You’re the only redeeming quality I have in her eyes.”

  “Oh, that’s not true. She loves you. She bragged about you all day.”

  “She bragged about me being able to snag a woman like you. So, really, she was still just bragging about you.”

  “Well.” Val chuckled. “I suppose that really is one of your best qualities. But you do have others. Plenty of them. And some of them are even redeeming.”

  I laughed. “Like?”

  She gazed out at the horizon as she thought. “Like your passion, and creativity,” she said. “What you do with your music, the songs you create, and the way you express yourself is one of my favorite things about you. I don’t have an ounce of creativity in me, and I’m terrible at telling people how I feel. I wish all the time I could use words the way you do.”

  I was shocked by the compliment; it warmed me from the inside out. I never thou
ght she paid attention, much less appreciated me in that way. I felt like my insides were trying to burst out of my chest, so I squeezed her tight as if she would keep me together. Holding her soothed the throbbing in my heart some, but I wasn’t able to resist kissing her any longer, so I brought my mouth to her shoulder.

  She sucked in a breath and tilted her head to the side, granting me permission to continue what I was doing and giving me access to her neck. “You’re also the most thoughtful person I know, when you want to be,” she said. “The things you do for me, just to make me happy—like the way you helped me with my brother and helped me to meet one of my heroes—you go above and beyond what most people would do.”

  My lips brushed over a sensitive spot on her neck, and her body rocked with a violent shiver. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered, her voice strangled.

  She turned her head up to meet my lips with hers in a sweet kiss. Fire built between us in a slow, sensual burn. Each kiss became longer and deeper until we were completely fused together and unable to let go of each other.

  She shifted her body sideways so that she could reach me better until she was sort of cradled in my arms. Her hands explored my body, her delicate touch leaving a trail of goose bumps wherever her fingers connected with my skin. The feeling was overwhelming.

  I tried to keep my hands still because whenever we’d made out in the past she always pulled back when my fingers began to roam, but my control shattered. I wanted to feel her and I wanted her to feel my touch.

  My hand fell from her face to her shoulder and trailed down the length of her arm. I found her bare stomach next and brushed my fingertips over her naval. Even with the water dulling the sensations she reacted to my touch. She gasped, and her back arched from the unexpected pleasure. Her eyes fluttered shut and her hands stilled their own exploration as she relaxed.

  She was so beautiful like this. So incredibly delicious, just soaking in my attention as if she’d never experienced it before. Then I realized she never had experienced it before and my breath got stuck in my lungs.

  I knew there were places she’d never been touched, pleasures she’d never felt, and I became desperate to make her feel them. We couldn’t have sex, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t give her a new experience. I could open her eyes to the things that were in store for her. I could let her feel exactly how much I cared about her. I wanted to do that for her. I wanted to share that connection with her. I needed the intimacy.

  My hand fell south of her stomach over the outside of her bikini bottom. The second I touched her she choked on a gasp and sat up, pushing my hands away from her. “Kyle, no!”

  I was startled from the daze she’d put me in and my arms instinctively went around her, caging her to me before she had the chance to escape. “What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice strangled and husky. “I promise I can handle this. The clothes will stay on. I know the rules. No sex.”

  She scrambled out of my arms and turned to me with such a sad look on her face. “It’s more than that, Kyle. I don’t want to keep my virginity based on a technicality. It’s not just my virginity I’m protecting; it’s my virtue.”

  “Meaning…?” I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful in any way. I honestly didn’t understand.

  Val studied my face for a minute, taking note of my confusion, and her face softened into an expression of pity. “Meaning no fooling around at all,” she said. “Second and third base are just as off-limits as going all the way.”

  I should have known. We’d managed to date all summer and had never gotten there before. I should have seen it coming, but it still surprised me. It still hurt. And I don’t just mean in an unsatisfied, throbbing kind of way. It was like she didn’t want to go there with me. Like she didn’t feel anything. How could she stay so cold when I was so damned hot?

  I knew I shouldn’t take her rejection personally, but I couldn’t help it. Hands curled into tight fists, I made a quick retreat from the pool. I needed some space from her.

  I grabbed a towel off the back of a deck chair and tried to calm some of my anger as I dried my hair. A hand came down lightly on my shoulder and Val whispered in a tiny voice, “I’m sorry.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. Something inside of me snapped. I whirled on her. “This is killing me!” I took a breath when the blood drained from her face, and waited until I could speak in a somewhat controlled manner. “I’ve never felt like this before, Val. Not even with Adrianna. Don’t you get it? I am in love with you. I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”

  Every part of Val froze except for her eyes, which widened and filled with tears. I had no idea what she was thinking right now, or why my feelings caused her so much pain, but I couldn’t stop talking. I’d started this train wreck and I needed to see it through to the end.

  “It’s not even about the sex,” I said. “I’m going crazy because every time I try to get close to you, you push me away. Our relationship is completely surface. Superficial. I keep trying to dive in and you’re not following me. I’m afraid you aren’t in this as deep as I am, and it has me completely lost.”

  The last word died on my tongue. I was deflated. I didn’t know what else to say to make her understand.

  Val stood there for an agonizing moment, letting the tears run down her cheeks. “Kyle,” she whispered in a strangled voice, “I’m in this so deep I’m drowning.”

  My brows pulled together in confusion, but hope sparked deep in my gut.

  “I love you, too.”

  My heart stopped, shocked into silence, and I was afraid to start it back up again. She wiped at the wetness on her cheeks and took a hesitant step toward me. I surprised us both when I stepped back, keeping myself out of her reach.

  I needed a moment to process. Hearing her say those three words to me pushed my feelings to a point of no return. I wanted it to be true. I needed it to be true, because if she ever took it back I wouldn’t survive the loss. But I wasn’t convinced that she meant it, so I couldn’t let myself accept the possibility yet.

  Val swallowed back a mess of nerves and said, “I am crazy, desperately in love with you, and it terrifies me. I fell in love with you the first time we played this game and it tore me apart when you left. I spent four years trying to convince myself I was over it, but I knew I’d never stopped loving you the second you walked out onto that stage at the Connie Parker Show.”

  I shut my eyes against the sting of emotion and took a calming breath. “I don’t understand,” I admitted. “If you feel like this, why won’t you let me love you back?”

  “Because I’m afraid,” she whispered. When I met her eyes again, she shrugged. “There’ve been so many guys who asked me out since high school, and they were all like you. The old you,” she amended quickly when I flinched.

  She plunked herself down onto a long pool chair and stared into her hands as she spoke. “I was the famous virgin,” she said bitterly. “They saw an irresistible challenge and when they realized they weren’t going to win, they left me.”

  She looked up at me, her face fresh with new tears. “I’ve been dumped by every man I’ve ever dated, starting from the beginning in high school with Zach and that stupid video. I’ve watched so many of my friends find love—Robin, Isaac, Cara, Stephanie—and yet I’ve never managed to have a single successful relationship.”

  She swiped at her eyes again and sighed as if her situation were hopeless. “You’re the one who told me all those years ago that I’m delusional. That I have impossible standards. You said I’m trying to find a man that doesn’t exist.”

  I could have punched myself in the face for saying such horrible things. I finally managed to move my feet and came to sit next to her on the chair. “Val, I was an idiot back then. I was a selfish, arrogant ass who was just pissed that I couldn’t get what I wanted from you.”

  “But you were right,” she insisted. “I’ve proved your theory a million times over. Eventually I got tired of trying a
nd failing, so I quit dating altogether.”

  “I wasn’t right,” I insisted, “and I’ve spent the entire summer trying to prove to you how wrong I was. I think I’ve earned a little trust by now.”

  She shut her eyes again and nodded. “You have,” she admitted, “but that’s what terrifies me. I’ve been hurt so many times I’ve lost count and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one guy I wanted the most and thought I never had a chance with shows up ready to give up sex for me? And, Kyle, you’re more amazing than anyone knows. It seemed impossible that a man like you would stick around—still seems impossible. It feels inevitable that you’ll get tired of this game and walk away like all the others. Like you did before.”

  My chest was so tight I almost couldn’t speak. I had to exert all my energy just to get a single sentence out. “I’m not going anywhere this time, Val. I swear it.”

  “I want to believe you. I’m trying. But I can’t help keeping the distance between us because even though I keep falling further and further in love with you, I’m always waiting for you to break my heart.”

  If she said one more word, I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I threw my mouth on hers and kissed her like I’d never kissed her before. With the walls between us crumbled, I poured every ounce of love I had into that kiss until I was certain she would stop waiting for me to hurt her. Because after that kiss, she’d know it was impossible.

  Once I stopped to catch my breath, I rested my forehead against hers. My eyes were pinched shut, but I could still hear her ragged breaths. I could feel her chest heaving like mine. “Val, eventually something has to give,” I choked out. “I don’t want to break your heart, but you’re always pushing me away and I can’t take it anymore. You’ve got to let me in. You have to trust me.”

  I took her face in my hand and pushed her hair back. “I know we can’t have sex, but I need to feel closer to you. I need this relationship to feel more grown up. I don’t know how to handle PG. If you can’t be with me physically, then I need you to be with me here.” I tapped my finger to her head, then moved it to rest over her heart. “And here. Whatever your next step is, I need it. I need you.”