If Only Forever

by Sophie Love

  “I didn’t mean that she wasn’t your daughter, too,” Daniel backtracked suddenly, clearly realizing his mistake.

  “Yes, you did,” Emily accused, and she could hear the utter pain in her tone as she spoke. “You meant exactly what you said. You think of Chantelle as yours and yours only, don’t you? Admit it.”

  Daniel’s expression turned suddenly very dark. When he spoke his tone was sharp. “Okay, I do. Because she is. She’s my flesh and blood. My biological child. Doesn’t that give me the right to raise her my way? In my own home?”

  Emily couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  “How long have you been harboring these resentments?” she demanded, wincing at the spite she heard in her voice. “You know things could be much simpler if you spoke to me openly and honestly about your feelings rather than keeping everything bottled up.”

  “This doesn’t need to turn into a character assassination,” Daniel snapped back. “Let’s stick to talking about Chantelle and about what’s right for her.”

  But Emily couldn’t help herself. Her pride had been wounded by Daniel’s words. Her reflexive response to that was to lash out.

  “Okay then,” she blurted out. “Tell me what you, her father, think is best for her, since my opinions no longer count.”

  “You’re being childish,” Daniel retorted. “I’m just talking about moving to the carriage house, having somewhere distinct from the inn.”

  “More like distinct from me!”

  “Only because you need to be on site in the inn!” Daniel replied, clearly exasperated by the way the conversation had so quickly soured. “Only because I know how attached you are to this place, and how much you need to be here at the moment. You wouldn’t be happy in the carriage house! If you really think about it, you’d be miserable in that place rather than here. I’m not saying we should split up or anything like that, Emily. I’m just saying that we rushed into creating this family unit for Chantelle and it might have been more sensible to take things a little more slowly, to have her settle in the carriage house rather than suddenly having this huge mansion at her disposal. The culture shock itself would be enough to disrupt her behavior.”

  But Emily couldn’t help but feel as though Daniel’s words were just attempts to patch up the damage he’d already done. He was backtracking, thinking of excuses as to why he didn’t really want her around, and why he wanted Chantelle to himself.

  “Daniel, why don’t you admit that what you are really saying is that you want to get away from me, too? Otherwise you’d invite me to live with you both in the carriage house.” She folded her arms.

  “I’ve already explained why I didn’t invite you. You have to be here.”

  “And if I say I don’t need to be here? That I feel as if the inn would run smoothly without me being on site one hundred percent of the time?”

  Daniel seemed stumped and Emily felt the bittersweet sting of vindication. She was right.

  “Look.” She rubbed the tension frown on her forehead. “If you feel so strongly about raising your daughter your way in your house then I’m not going to stop you. Because I do want what’s best for Chantelle. But the carriage house isn’t your property, Daniel. I need the income from its rental, so you can’t just move in there.”

  Her heart ached as she spoke the words. But it was true. She couldn’t just cut off that source of income. Colin Magnum’s month in the carriage house had single-handedly kept the inn afloat over winter. Its page garnered the most views on their website, it got the most requests for more information over the telephone. If someone requested to book it out she couldn’t exactly downgrade them. It would be bad for business. No, not just bad, it would be the death knell.

  But she knew what she was saying, what the consequence could possibly be. If Daniel really was serious about this then she was essentially evicting him. She looked away, not wanting to see his face. Not wanting to hear his answer. Hot tears welled in her eyes.

  When he spoke, Daniel’s voice was as cold as ice. “You’re being ridiculous. All I was suggesting was that we get a bit of space from this place. And now you’re kicking us off the grounds?”

  Emily turned to him. “I’m not doing anything! This is all coming from you, Daniel. This is what you’re telling me you want.”

  “You’re giving me an ultimatum.”

  “You’re forcing my hand.”

  Daniel was growing increasingly angry. “Where are we supposed to go?”

  “I don’t know,” Emily said, feeling her whole body deflate with defeat at the realization that Daniel was serious, he meant this, he was really going to go.

  Daniel yanked the covers back and grabbed his sweatpants from where they were slung across the chair. In the darkness, Emily could make out his silhouette as he yanked a shirt over his head, his movements exaggerated and aggressive. Then he snatched up a travel bag.

  Emily couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t sit there watching him pack up his things. She wanted to reach for him, to pull him back to her and beg him not to take their child away. But he’d made up his mind, and so she did none of those things. Instead, she stood up and rushed away from a sight she never wished to see.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  Her eyes blurred with tears, Emily hurried down to the porch with her cell phone. She just managed to type out a text message to Amy. A second later her cell lit up with an incoming call from her friend. Emily answered it with trembling hands.

  “What’s going on?” Amy asked, panicked.

  “It’s Daniel,” Emily replied, her voice warbling. “He’s leaving.”

  Out on the porch in the darkness of night, under a winter moon, Emily shivered. But it was as if the cold was internal, not coming from the icy breeze but from some deep, dark place that was opening up inside of her.

  “I don’t understand,” Amy said. “Where is he going?”

  Emily looked up at the light glowing from her bedroom window, knowing Daniel was inside packing his things.

  “It’s a long story,” Emily stammered, trying to unpick the series of events that had led to this place. “Sheila got in touch with Chantelle and it made her behavior go off the deep end. Then Chantelle told us about being moved around a lot as a kid, and now Daniel’s got this idea in his head that the hectic pace at the inn is bad for her. He thinks she needs to be raised somewhere more calming. I mean where the hell could be more calming than Sunset Harbor!”

  She could hear her voice becoming shriller and more panicked.

  “Okay….” Amy said, drawing the word out as though trying to calm Emily. “So if he thinks the inn is too hectic why don’t you rent a cottage together down by the harbor? I could wire you some money if you’re worried about rent.”

  Emily wished she could have Amy’s pragmatic mind rather than her own emotional, hot-headed one. How different things would be right now if she’d suggested she and Daniel move to a harbor-side house together and leave the inn to run itself, instead of throwing insults and barbed comments at him?

  Emily shook her head. “It’s too late for that. He wants to leave. He wants it to just be the two of them.” She held her anguished breath in her lungs, unwilling to say the next words. When she finally spoke them, they flooded from her with her exhalation. “He referred to Chantelle as his daughter.”

  “Ouch,” Amy replied sadly. Then, in her calming voice, she added, “I’m sure he just needs a bit of time to cool down and think things through. He’ll realize it’s not a good idea soon enough.”

  “He’s packing right now,” Emily replied, and now her anger ebbed away to be replaced by grief.

  “He’s not going to leave in the middle of the night,” Amy replied. “He wouldn’t be so stupid.”

  “Him stupid?” Emily scoffed. “This all happened because of my stupid mouth!”

  She deeply regretted the words she’d spoken, words that could not be unsaid.

  Amy kept using her calm tone, though it didn’t calm Emily one i
ota.

  “Where do you think they’re going to go?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,” Emily confessed.

  Surely Daniel wouldn’t be so prideful as to whisk Chantelle out of her life to some unknown location? But the carriage house had been his home for the last decade and there was nowhere else for him to go.

  Then the thought struck her. There was another place Daniel had called home, many years ago. Tennessee. Had she inadvertently forced him back to Sheila, back to the life he’d left behind?

  “Babe,” Amy said, “I think you need a break. I mean, clearly you do. Come to New York. You, Jayne, and I can go to a spa, get massages. You’re running yourself into the ground trying to juggle a business and a family.”

  Emily pressed her face into her hands, feeling tears roll across her fingers. “I can’t.”

  “Why?” Amy challenged.

  Emily stopped herself from saying Chantelle, because that clearly wasn’t the case anymore. And the inn was more or less self-sufficient these days. There was Trevor to worry about, but was that really a reason to remain in Sunset Harbor, miserable and riddled with anguish?

  “You have a cell phone, don’t you?” Amy prompted gently. “You can call them whenever. It’s not like you’d be unreachable.”

  Emily realized then that Amy was right. New York was only an eight-hour drive away. If some unforeseen emergency befell the inn she could just drive back. Not that she was particularly needed in Sunset Harbor right now…

  “Okay,” Emily said meekly. It wasn’t easy for her to admit defeat. “I do need a break from this.”

  “Good,” Amy said, breathing a sigh of relief. “When can I expect you?”

  Emily took a deep inhalation. “There aren’t any guests due to check in tomorrow and all the shifts are covered, so I guess there’s nothing stopping me from heading off right now.” She hated that it was true, that she didn’t need to factor in who would be taking Chantelle to school tomorrow. “If I drove through the night, I could be with you in the morning.”

  “You don’t need to sleep?”

  “I’ll drink coffee.”

  “That’s my girl,” Amy said.

  Emily could hear the smile in her friend’s voice. But she herself was unable to match it. There was nothing to smile about.

  She stowed her phone in her pocket and climbed the porch steps before stepping back inside the dark inn. She ascended the stairs quietly and entered her bedroom. Daniel was there, still packing. He didn’t even look up at her as she walked in.

  Emily searched for her courage and took a deep breath before proclaiming, “Daniel. I’m leaving. I’m going to New York City to stay with Amy for a bit.”

  That got his attention. He looked up from the case, a stunned expression on his face.

  “For how long?” he asked.

  Emily shrugged and flopped down onto the bed. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just need some headspace.”

  “Then take Tracey’s yoga class,” Daniel said sarcastically. “Don’t run off!”

  Emily sat up, furious. So when Daniel said he was leaving for some unspecified length of time taking his daughter away from her she was supposed to just accept it, but god forbid she take so much as a vacation!

  “I want to be with my friends, that’s all,” Emily replied. “I want to remember what it felt like to be free of responsibility, to have fun.”

  “And what should I tell Chantelle?” he said, folding his arms.

  At the mention of the child, Emily felt tears welling in her eyes. She didn’t want to look weak in this moment in front of Daniel but there was no use. The tears rolled down her cheeks, one after the other, in an ever quickening pace.

  “How about whatever it was you were going to tell her when you decided to take her away from me?” she sniped back.

  But despite her angry words, Emily felt terrible at the thought of abandoning Chantelle. Even if it was just for a week or two, she didn’t want Chantelle to think it had been her bad behavior that had driven Emily away.

  Emily wiped the tears away and rubbed her eyes. “I don’t know what you should say,” she added, her voice meeker now, the fight having left it. “I just know I can’t be around you right now.”

  Then she stood and rushed out of the room, heading next door to Chantelle’s. The child was in a deep slumber. She sat beside her on the bed, looking at the beam of moonlight that lit her sweet, peaceful face.

  Was she being foolish? Would it be callous to leave Chantelle while she was still asleep, to not be there in the morning to share breakfast with the girl? The argument with Daniel had so quickly escalated, but how could it not have? In what world could Daniel have told her he wanted to take Chantelle away without it turning into such a huge fallout?

  The last thing she wanted was for Chantelle to be caught in the middle of all this.

  Just then, the girl stirred. She looked up at Emily with her huge blue eyes and smiled a sleepy smile.

  “Is it morning?” she asked.

  Emily could feel tears well in her eyes, but she would not let them fall in front of the child. She shook her head. “Not yet, sweetie.”

  “Why are you here then?” Chantelle asked. She yawned. “Are we watching movies in bed again?”

  In spite of her sadness, Emily managed to laugh. “No, I just remembered that I’d forgotten to tell you about my trip to see Amy and Jayne.”

  “You’re going to New York City?” Chantelle asked, somehow looking excited and sleepy at the same time.

  “Uh-huh,” Emily replied, her voice cracking. “So I won’t be here when you wake up tomorrow morning. Is that okay?”

  Chantelle nodded. “Will Daddy make me pancakes for breakfast like you do?”

  Emily snuggled the child, never wanting to let go. She buried her face into Chantelle’s hair, smelling her scent, and allowing just a few of her tears to fall into the crown of her head. “Better,” she managed to say. “He’ll let you put syrup on them.”

  She heard Chantelle make a noise of delight and, confident the child would suffer no ill effects from her sudden unplanned vacation, let her go from the tight embrace. She tugged the covers up and stroked Chantelle’s hair until she was asleep.

  Emily stood and left Chantelle’s room, her mind now set.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  Emily pulled up outside Amy’s East Village apartment and killed the engine of her car. It had been a long drive through the night and she was exhausted.

  She took her cell from her purse and dialed the inn, not wanting to speak to Daniel. It was Lois who answered.

  “Can you put Chantelle on the line?” she asked.

  “Sure,” Lois replied. Then, through the muffled sound of her hand on the receiver, heard Lois shout out, “Chantelle! It’s Emily!”

  Emily cursed inwardly. She hadn’t really wanted Daniel to know she was calling.

  Chantelle’s voice appeared on the other end of the line, as bright as ever. “Are you in New York now?”

  “Yup,” Emily replied. “Did Daddy let you have syrup on your pancakes?”

  “No,” Chantelle said glumly. “But he let me have strawberries.”

  “That’s nice.” Emily tried to keep composed through the conversation, to make sure Chantelle continued to have no idea what was going on behind the scenes, but her mind was reeling at the thought of how long it would be before she saw the child again.

  “I have to get my shoes on for school,” Chantelle said. “Do you want to speak to Daddy?”

  Emily felt she had no choice but to say yes, to maintain the charade. “Yes, please. Have a good day at school, sweetie.”

  “I will.”

  She listened to the sound of the phone exchanging hands. But Daniel didn’t say a word. Clearly, the lack of desire to speak was mutual.

  She hung up and threw her phone back in her purse with frustration, still fuming that Daniel was doing this to her, to Chantelle, and wondering how long they’d
be able to keep the pretense up before she realized something was wrong.

  Amy had promised to be home when she got there, so Emily went ahead and buzzed the bell to her apartment.

  “Em?” she heard the voice of Jayne crackle through the intercom.

  Emily hadn’t expected to see Jayne. Suddenly, the thought excited her.

  “Yes!” she cried. “Buzz me in.”

  She heard the door unlock and hauled it open. Rushing inside, she practically slammed her palm on the elevator call button. Suddenly everything felt so familiar, so nostalgically exciting. With adrenaline coursing through her, it felt to Emily like the elevator was taking a very long time to arrive, then when it finally did, it felt like it took an absurdly long time to take her to the top floor where her friend lived.

  When the doors of the elevator finally opened, Emily was surprised to discover Amy and Jayne there waiting for her. They burst into the elevator, yanking her into a fierce embrace.

  “I can’t believe we finally managed to pry you away from that B&B!” Jayne exclaimed into Emily’s ear. “It only took a year!”

  They drew apart and Emily couldn’t stop herself from grinning. Even Jayne’s blunt and inappropriate joke wouldn’t dampen the surge of joy she currently felt.

  “Come in,” Amy said, leading her by the hand through the corridor. “You must be exhausted.”

  “I am,” Emily confessed. “But I’m also so, so happy to be here. Everything looks exactly as it did when I left.”

  Jayne gave her a look. “Wait ’til you see what Amy’s done to her apartment.”

  Curiously, Emily walked into Amy’s apartment to discover it had been completely redesigned. The old kitchen had been ripped out and replaced with new, swanky, modern fixtures. The wall that had separated it from the living room had been removed, so that the space was now open-plan. Amy’s old leather couch had been replaced with a huge new chaise lounge that took up the entirety of one of the walls. All the walls had been painted the same colorless crisp white, and huge light bulbs hung down from the ceiling.