If Only Forever

by Sophie Love

“Wow,” Emily gasped. “Talk about redecorating.”

  “Oh, I know,” Amy said, a little embarrassed, brushing off the compliment. She went over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of sauvignon blanc. “Too early?”

  “Never,” Jayne replied without missing a beat.

  “Actually,” Emily said, “I don’t want to be a killjoy but I’ve been up for an absurdly long amount of time and if so much as a drop of that stuff passes my lips I’ll become an emotional drunk.”

  Jayne gave her look. “Let’s face it, you’re going to be emotional. There’s going to be crying. May as well do it drunk. Am I right?”

  But Emily wasn’t relenting on this one. It seemed far too reckless, even for someone who was supposedly on vacation.

  “I don’t think Emily wants to drink,” Amy explained to Jayne, putting the bottle back in the fridge and closing the door. “And since she’s the guest, she gets to call the shots. So, what do you want to do, Em?”

  “I’d really like to stretch my legs,” Emily replied. “I’ve been cooped up in my car for hours. How about a walk around Central Park?”

  Jayne didn’t seem impressed. “I literally just finished a run around Central Park this morning.” Amy sent her a warning glance. “But I guess if Emily wants to…”

  They gathered up their things and headed out to the streets of New York City. As they walked, Emily felt amazed by the city. She felt so nostalgic, with all the sounds and smells, the city bustle. It was hard for her to even comprehend how she’d once lived here.

  At they reached the park, Emily checked her cell phone, wondering and hoping that Daniel had left her a text message professing his mistake, apologizing for his idiocy, and begging her to come home. There was no such text and Emily felt a sting of disappointment.

  Clearly putting two and two together, Amy finally broached the subject of Emily’s sudden appearance.

  “We may as well get the crying and venting out of the way now,” she began. “What’s the deal with you and Daniel?”

  Emily immediately tensed up. She’d spent an eight-hour car journey thinking about Daniel, mulling everything over, and while she wasn’t exactly thrilled to go over it all again, it was always healthy to get things off one’s chest.

  “Yeah,” Jayne added. “Like what the hell is going on? Amy told me a bit but it sounds like he’s being a total jerk.”

  They began their walk around the park. Emily tried to keep breathing, to let the foliage of the towering trees keep her calm.

  With her best friends, Emily knew she could say anything. She could rant about all of Daniel’s flaws and know it would never get back to him, that her friends would listen patiently, would offer her advice and support and comfort.

  “I just think he took on more than he wanted with me,” she began, and immediately, as soon as the words were out of her mouth and she could actually hear her ruminations aloud, her tears fell once more. “I mean becoming a father was stressful enough. But then he moved in. And then we were talking adoption. Then he proposed. I mean, it’s gone from zero to a hundred for him pretty quickly. I think he’s just had this sudden realization that this is it, you know? That once he commits to me then he’s settled down.”

  Amy held her hand tightly and Emily accepted her support. She needed it now more than ever.

  “What about Chantelle?” Amy asked softly.

  The sound of her name was like a knife piercing her heart. “He said that she was his daughter. After everything I’ve done for her. All the sacrifices I’ve made. It was like a kick in the teeth.”

  “I’m so sorry, hon,” Amy said.

  “So did you guys break up?” Jayne asked tactlessly. “How did you leave things?”

  “I just walked out,” Emily replied. “I just told him I didn’t want to be around him anymore and got in my car and drove.”

  “That is badass,” Jayne said, sounding impressed.

  Emily smiled in spite of herself.

  They continued their stroll, and Emily found her tears finally running dry. Despite her tiredness and emotion, being in the city again felt wonderful. For the first time in a long time, she felt the dark cloud in her mind start to lift. She remembered that life was full of possibilities, that it could change for the better in a heartbeat. When she’d lived in New York City, life had been simpler. Although things with Ben had been irrefutably crap, she hadn’t had a home to worry about, or a business, or a kid. She looked back at those years with rose-tinted glasses, with a sense of nostalgia.

  “Maybe I should just move back here,” Emily said. “Leave all the heaviness behind.”

  Amy squeezed her hand. “You know I’d be the first to welcome you home, but I know that’s not what you want.”

  Jayne echoed her sentiment. “Have you forgotten what it was like? You hated your job. Ben wasn’t the nicest guy in the world. You worried constantly about whether you’d get married and have your own family one day.”

  Though Emily knew they were right deep down, she didn’t recall it that way at all, or at least not now in comparison to life in Sunset Harbor.

  “Well then maybe I’m supposed to be a wandering nomad,” Emily said, with her tongue only half in her cheek. “I mean, it was so great at first, rushing off, leaving any sense of commitment behind. But what did I do? I immediately put down roots, tied myself to a new place. I rushed straight into another relationship. I’d only just gotten rid of my baggage and then I went and got myself a whole load more.”

  “But that’s just life,” Amy retorted. “Anywhere you go, anytime you get deep into a way of life or a place or a relationship, heaviness and responsibility and baggage will pile up.”

  Emily knew she was right, but she was feeling rebellious and didn’t want to accept it. “Well, I don’t want it. Just for like five minutes can I not be underneath a pile of baggage?”

  Jayne laughed. “It’s so much easier to just run from it, isn’t it?”

  She probably thought she was agreeing with Emily but in actual fact her words were enough to give Emily pause for thought. If Jayne thought something was a good idea, it probably wasn’t!

  Amy continued. “But anywhere you go, if you want to live life and invite it back in, then baggage will pile up again. That’s what happens when you settle down, that is what it means to live life! If you run from that, you run from life.”

  Emily chewed her lip in contemplation. “When did you get so philosophical?”

  Amy shrugged. “I don’t know. I just know that it’s easy to think that if you came back here it would all be less complicated. And yeah, it might for a little while but it will pile up again here, too.”

  “And let’s not forget that you’d be closer to your mom,” Jayne added.

  “Oh God, you’re right,” Emily replied, smiling a little at Jayne’s humor.

  They walked in silence for a while, as Emily mulled things over in her mind. Coming back to New York City really wasn’t an option for her. Or at least not if her goal was to minimize life’s baggage. That she was stuck with.

  “You look exhausted,” Amy said finally. “Why don’t we go back to my apartment so you can nap?”

  Emily did feel very weary all of a sudden, like her feet were made of lead. She wondered if it was the adrenaline finally leaving her body, if the initial high at seeing her friends was ebbing away.

  “I think that’s a good idea,” she said. “Sorry to be a nuisance.”

  She couldn’t help but feel bad, dragging her friends out to the park only to turn around and head back home. Jayne especially, since she hadn’t even wanted to come! But thankfully her friends were accommodating.

  “Nothing to apologize for,” Amy said. “Come on.”

  Arm in arm, they walked slowly back toward Amy’s apartment. This time, Emily reassessed the New York City streets, seeing them not through the heady gaze of nostalgia, but with the harsh reality of her memories. She remembered places she’d been to on miserable dates with Ben, street corners upon wh
ich she and her mom had argued, sidewalks she’d paced back and forth while filled with work-related stress. Amy was right. New York City was filled with her baggage, just as much as Sunset Harbor was.

  They made it back to the apartment and Emily was just about ready to drop. Her eyes were heavy and sore.

  “Take the bed,” Amy told her as she headed for the corner couch. “We’ll wake you when it’s time to party.”

  She smiled. Emily mumbled her sleepy gratitude, then shuffled off to the bedroom. As she undressed, she checked her phone again, praying for the groveling apology from Daniel that would end her pain right now. But there was nothing there.

  Disappointed, she climbed into Amy’s bed. The moment her head hit the pillow she felt herself slipping into slumber.

  *

  Emily fell into a disturbed sleep, her dream coming to her vividly and as sharp as reality. She dreamed she was back in her bed at the inn with Daniel sleeping beside her. She was watching him sleep, as she had done a thousand times before, with the moonlight streaking across his face, sharpening his features and making him look even more attractive. She reached a hand out to touch his chest but the second her fingers made contact with his skin she flinched away. He was cold.

  “Daniel!” she cried, kicking the covers away as she heaved herself to a kneeling position beside him. “Daniel, can you hear me?”

  Her voice was frantic, filled with desperation. She grabbed him by both his shoulders and shook. But his eyes remained closed. His skin beneath her fingers was cold. He was showing no sign of life.

  She burst awake, almost hyperventilating. Sweat was pouring from her brow.

  The door flew open and Amy rushed in.

  “Em, what’s wrong?” she said.

  Disoriented, Emily looked around herself at the unfamiliar room. Amy’s room. It was only she in the big double bed. No one else. No Daniel.

  “Where’s my cell phone?” Emily asked.

  Amy looked concerned as she came into the room. “Is it in your jean pocket?”

  Emily rummaged through the pile of clothes beside the bed until she found her jeans. Sure enough, her cell phone was inside the pocket. There were no missed calls from the inn, just one from a withheld number.

  But as she held her phone in her hands, the screen suddenly lit up. A withheld number was calling again.

  She immediately accepted the call.

  “Could I speak to Emily Mitchell please?” an authoritative voice said on the other line.

  “Speaking,” Emily said, her chest fluttering with panic. Whether it was from the dream or some weird sense of premonition, Emily’s voice had begun to shake. She had the feeling she was about to get some really bad news.

  “Ma’am, I’m calling from the Maine State Police Department,” the stern voice replied. “There’s been a motorcycle accident involving a gentleman who had you listed as his next of kin. Daniel Morey. Do you know this gentleman, ma’am?”

  Emily felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, like she’d been tackled by a quarterback. It took all her strength to keep hold of her phone.

  “Yes,” she managed, finding that her mouth had gone tacky. “Is he okay?”

  She became suddenly aware of Amy beside her on the bed looking at her with concern.

  “Mr. Morey is being taken to Maine Coast Memorial Hospital,” the voice replied. “Will you be able to travel there?”

  “I’m in New York,” Emily said, speaking on autopilot, feeling hypnotized, numb with shock.

  “Ma’am,” the police officer said with a stern voice, “if you take my advice, I would recommend you travel back as soon as possible.”

  It was the worst thing Emily could have heard.

  “Is he—” she began. But she stopped. She couldn’t bear to utter the words.

  “I’m not aware of the state of his condition at this point in time, ma’am. But I’d suggest you find a way to the hospital as soon as possible.”

  Feeling completely useless, completely dissociated, Emily ended the call. She looked at Amy standing beside her and the tears burst from her chest.

  “It’s Daniel,” she wailed. “He’s crashed his motorcycle.”

  Amy gasped, covering her hand with her mouth.

  Then suddenly Emily was on her feet, grabbing her jeans and fumbling to get them on.

  “I have to go,” she said. “I have to go right now. Where are my car keys?”

  Amy leapt to attention. “Hon, I don’t think you should drive in this state. Take a flight.”

  “I can’t leave my car,” Emily snapped, turning around in circles in her vain search for her car keys.

  “I can drive it back for you,” Amy replied calmly. “Please, just fly. It will be quicker.”

  Emily paused as it sunk in that Amy was throwing her a lifeline. “You’d do that?” she asked. “Drive the car all the way back to Sunset Harbor?”

  “Of course,” Amy insisted. “Let me book you a cab to the airport, okay?”

  Finally, Emily relented. In that moment she had no idea what she’d do without Amy in her life. But her brief respite of gratitude lasted only a moment before worry took over once more, and her mind filled with terrible images of Daniel bloodied and bruised in a hospital bed surrounded by tubes and ventilators.

  Just hold on, Daniel, she thought. I’m coming home.

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

  Emily was a nervous wreck for the entire flight, her mind going through every possible scenario over and over. Terrified didn’t come close to describing how she felt, it was closer to distraught. She’d never felt anything like it in her life.

  “Are you a nervous flier?” the gentleman beside her asked, glancing at her white knuckles clutching the armrests.

  Emily didn’t even know how to respond, how to put into words that her fear was unrelated to flying, that it was potentially far more catastrophic. She decided it was easier to just nod and agree. At least that way she’d have an excuse not to utter any words.

  The gentleman smiled. “It’s the safest form of transport,” he said, echoing a mantra she’d heard Kieran tell her time and time again.

  “I know,” she squeaked, and it was finally enough for him to leave her and her anguished thoughts in peace.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re now preparing for our final descent,” the air steward said over the intercom. “Please fasten your seatbelts.”

  Emily hadn’t even removed hers since she’d spent the entire flight in a state of suspense anyway, with time moving around her painfully slowly and the whole world seeming to undulate.

  “I hope we have a clean landing,” the man beside her said with a smile. “If you’ve ever been in a bouncing Boeing it’s not something that leaves you any time soon, let me tell you!”

  Emily just nodded and returned to her blank, forward-facing stare. She felt the sensation of plummeting in her stomach that told her the plane was indeed landing. Then at last she felt a bump as the wheels met the runway, and the roar of them turning at high speed as they sped along. Then the plane slowed to a halt and Emily realized that her first hurdle had been overcome. She was back in Maine.

  “We made it,” the man beside her laughed. “Told ya we would.”

  Emily smiled politely and unclipped herself before the sign had been lit up because she wanted to make a dash for the door. She had no luggage on her, no carry-on in the overhead lockers, since she’d left all her stuff at Amy’s, so she’d hopefully be able to make a beeline for the doors and beat everyone else off the aircraft.

  As the steward thanked the guests over the intercom, Emily dashed for the exit. She reached it before they’d even finished their final announcement.

  “Ma’am, it’s not advisable to leave your seat before instructed,” the flight attendant said with a warning note.

  “My fiancé was in a motorcycle wreck,” Emily said in something of a trance. “I don’t know what state he’s in. The cop didn’t say. He could be critical for all I kno
w. In the ICU. Maybe he died during my flight. I won’t know until I reach the hospital. So… sorry, I suppose. I hope you can understand.”

  The words were tumbling from her mouth before her brain had even had time to think them through. For so many hours she’d been holed up in this aluminum capsule with no one to talk to, and everything had just come out.

  The flight attendant’s expression turned horrified. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. Then she reached forward, twisted the handle, and opened the airlock door. It hissed as it opened, letting daylight and fresh air stream in. “Good luck.”

  As Emily hurried out of the plane and along the corridor into the airport, she used her cell to call the inn. Thankfully, it was Serena that answered. Emily had called her with the news.

  “Any word on Daniel?” she asked, the frantic edge in her voice clearly audible.

  “Not yet,” Serena replied. “Where are you?”

  “I’ve just gotten back from New York. I’m heading to Maine hospital. Is Chantelle there?”

  “She had a sleepover at Bailey’s last night. Yvonne thought it would be better if she didn’t know about Daniel’s accident yet so she just thinks she was having an impromptu playdate. Yvonne took her to school.”

  Emily sighed with relief. At least Chantelle had not been suffering. For the millionth time, Emily felt so blessed to have friends like Yvonne, to know people who would rally around her through the hard times. She had no idea how she could express her thanks and gratitude for her.

  Just then, Emily reached the frustratingly long line of people heading for the baggage claim area, where she needed to go despite having no luggage because that’s where the exit was. She joined the back of the line and took deep breaths as she waited it out.

  “Does Ms. Glass know what happened?” Emily asked, feeling terrified about the implications, the possible fallout.

  “I don’t know,” Serena said. “I’m sorry, Emily, I have to go now. There are guests that need tending to.”

  “Sure,” Emily replied, anguished at the thought of losing her only lifeline to Daniel and Chantelle. She briefly considered asking for Parker, just to keep some kind of connection with home, but knew there’d be next to nothing the young man could add to the conversation. “If you hear anything, will you let me know?”