by Amy Clipston
“I just saw Jake, and it was so awkward.” Her voice was thick with emotion as she spoke. “There’s so much I want to say to him, and I know I can’t talk to him. But, at the same time, I can’t help how I feel about him.”
“How do you feel about him?” Elizabeth asked.
Katie hesitated, afraid of the repercussions if she spoke the truth.
“Katie,” Elizabeth began, “do you think you love him?”
Katie bit her lower lip.
Elizabeth shook her head. “We’ve already discussed this. You know you can’t be with him.”
“I know that, but I can’t change how I feel,” Katie said. “I wish I could turn my feelings off, but when I saw him, my heart began to race. I keep thinking we’re meant to be together, as narrisch as it sounds.” She frowned. “I don’t even know if he cares for me, but I can’t stop thinking of him.”
“You’re just upset.” Elizabeth patted Katie’s hand. “You’ve been through a very scary event, and all of your emotions are jumbled up. Just give yourself some time, and you’ll realize you’re just thankful Jake came along when he did on Friday.” She stood and gestured for Katie to follow. “Why don’t you come back into the bakery and take a break in my office? You can even read my Bible for a while. I’m certain it will give you comfort.”
Katie followed her grandmother back to the bakery. While her grandmother discussed the pretty fall weather, Katie couldn’t stop thinking about Jake. She was certain her feelings for him ran deeper than just appreciation and gratitude. She agreed with her grandmother that her feelings for him were a jumbled messed, but she doubted the feelings would subside after a few weeks.
Yet the problem still remained — although she loved Jake, she couldn’t be with him. How would she cope with carrying around her broken heart?
15
As Jake slid his truck into reverse later that evening, he glanced toward the bakery and spotted Katie and her aunts and cousins climbing into the van to go home. He’d spent all day contemplating their brief conversation this morning and wondering what she was feeling. The conversation had been awkward and rushed, as if she couldn’t get away from him fast enough. He’d hoped she was in a hurry because her grandfather was going to return to the room, and she wasn’t permitted to speak to Jake, not because she didn’t want to talk to him.
With a sigh, Jake backed out of the parking space and drove toward the exit. Why did their relationship have to be forbidden? His heart had nearly broken at the desperation in her eyes when she thanked him for saving her Friday. He wondered if she felt the same energy between them that he did.
Jake slowed at a stop sign and looked toward a farm on the corner where Amish children played on the driveway with a wagon. He contemplated what life would’ve been like if his mother had stayed in the faith. Obviously, he would never have been born, unless his father had converted instead of his mother. Would Jake have gone to school with the Kauffman children, including Katie?
He reflected on the conversation he’d shared with Eli earlier this morning. He longed to find out more about his mother’s choice to leave the Amish church and how that choice affected his grandparents.
While he steered toward his parents’ street, Jake wondered if his mother would tell him why she’d left the community. Was it only for love or was there something else? He needed to know why, and he planned to ask her when he joined his parents for supper tonight.
Jake spooned a mound of mashed potatoes into his mouth later that evening. He found his cousin, Billy, who frequently visited his parents, and Billy’s girlfriend, Heather, were also guests at supper tonight.
“Delicious, Mom.” Jake smiled across the table at his mother. “This is a nice change from frozen pizza and TV dinners.”
His mother chuckled. “You were always easy to please, Jacob.”
“Actually, he’s right,” Billy chimed in. “Your food is always the best around.” He turned to his girlfriend. “You agree?”
Heather finished chewing and swallowed another piece of her steak. “Absolutely, Mrs. Miller.”
“How’s work been, Billy?” Jake turned to his cousin next to him. “Are you staying busy at the body shop?”
Billy nodded and took a drink. “We’ve really gotten busy. Seems like a lot of folks are getting into wrecks lately. How’s the furniture store?”
“It’s been really good.” Jake wiped his mouth with a napkin. “I’m working with Eli Kauffman at the bakery right now. Elizabeth wants some new display cabinets for the store area. She asked Eli to build some for her so she can spruce up the bakery for next spring.”
“That sounds nice,” his father, John, said. “Eli must think a lot of your work since he asked you to help him with the project and not one of the other carpenters.”
“Thank you, Pop,” Jake said. “This is what I’ve always wanted to do.”
“Oh, I know.” His mother, Anna Mary, smiled. “I remember you were always out in my father’s shop helping him with a project or two. You loved going to his house. Sometimes you begged me to take you there after you got home from school.”
Jake cut up his steak and thought back to those days. Even at the young age of seven, he knew he wanted to be a carpenter. While he continued slicing, he thought about his grandfather and wondered about his mother’s decision to leave the Amish church.
He glanced up at his mother who was discussing a future shopping trip with Heather.
“Mom,” he said after she finished her conversation, “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
“What’s that, dear?” Anna Mary asked before taking another bite of mashed potatoes.
“What made you leave the Amish church?” Jake asked.
His mother looked stunned by the question and nearly dropped her fork.
Beside her, John frowned. “I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have now, Jacob.”
“I’m sorry.” Jake shifted in his seat and then glanced at Billy, who stared at him in confusion. “Have you gotten your Galaxie running yet? I know you wanted to work on the car once the weather cooled down a little.”
“Yeah,” Billy said. “I was going to start pulling the frame out from under it tomorrow if I can —”
“I’ll answer the question, Jacob,” his mother said, interrupting. “I’ll tell you the reason.”
The room fell silent, and Jake turned to his mother. “Thank you,” he said.
“I left after I met your father,” she said, smiling at his father. “We fell in love and wanted to get married. The only way for me to marry him was to leave the church.”
“That had to be a difficult decision,” Jake said, placing his fork on the plate. “You must’ve mulled it over for quite some time.”
Anna Mary nodded. “I did. I also talked to my grandmother about it.”
“Your grandmother?” Jake asked. “You never told me that.”
“I talked to her before I told anyone else in my family.” Anna Mary put her hand on John’s. “We both talked to her actually. We met her in secret one night. My parents didn’t know anything about it. I’m certain they would’ve been upset I discussed it with her before I told them, but my grandmother and I were very close. I knew she would listen without getting too emotional before I finished explaining everything to her.”
Billy looked just as intrigued as Jake felt. “What did she say?”
“My grandmother said she understood, but she was disappointed I wanted to leave. She said she knew love could make people do hasty things, and she told me to pray about it to see where God led me.” Anna Mary paused to collect her thoughts. “I prayed about it.” She glanced at John. “In fact, your father and I prayed about it together, and I kept coming to the same conclusion. I knew in my heart your father and I were meant to be together, which meant I needed to leave the church in order to be with him. I broke the news to my parents after reaching that conclusion.”
“How did they take it?” Jake asked.
&n
bsp; Anna Mary shook her head. “They were very upset. My mother cried, and my father was so upset he couldn’t speak. They didn’t understand how I could walk away from the only life I’d ever known. I tried to explain to them I would still worship the Lord, but I would do it in a different way.”
“Did Pop go with you when you told them?” Jake asked.
“No, no,” his mother said. “That would’ve made it worse. In fact, they said your father and his family weren’t welcome in their house. They didn’t even come to the wedding.”
“They didn’t come to your wedding?” Heather asked, looking aghast. “How could they miss their daughter’s wedding?”
“They’d shunned her,” John explained. “It’s a very complicated tradition, but it’s meant to encourage those who have strayed to come back to the fold. Plus, they didn’t agree with the wedding, so they couldn’t attend and pretend they did.”
“But they changed their minds eventually,” Billy added, slicing up his steak. “You have a good relationship now.”
“Jake is the reason we rebuilt our relationship with my parents,” his mother said while grabbing a roll from the basket in the center of the table.
“That’s what Eli told me,” Jake said. “He said when Jeremy and I were born, we broke down the barriers between you and your parents.”
“That’s true,” Anna Mary said, her eyes glistening with tears. “It’s hard thinking back to those days since Jeremy is gone.” She shook her head. “I know it’s been a long time, but I’ll always miss him every day.”
Jake nodded. “I know. I miss him too.” After a moment of silence, Jake continued, “Can you tell me what happened when you worked things out with Grandma and Grandpa?”
“Of course.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I went to visit my parents one day and told them I was expecting a baby. I didn’t know at the time that I was going to have twins. I explained that I wanted them to be a part of the baby’s life. My father resisted at first, but my mother cried and hugged me. She said she could never turn away her grandchild. It took some time to rebuild our relationship, but we did.”
Jake contemplated her words. It had been painful for his mother to leave the faith, but what if the situation had been reversed? “What if it were the other way around?”
“What do you mean?” John asked, stabbing a slab of steak.
“What if someone wanted to join the Amish church? Would the church welcome them?” Jake lifted his glass of water.
“I don’t understand,” his mother said, looking confused.
“People join the church all the time.”
Jake sipped the water. “I’m talking about an outsider. What if someone who wasn’t Amish wanted to become Amish?”
His parents glanced at each other.
“I don’t know, son,” John said. “I guess they would welcome him if his intentions were good and genuine. Why do you ask?”
Jake shrugged. “I’m just wondering what it would’ve been like if Mom had stayed in the Amish church and you had tried to join it.”
Anna Mary chuckled. “I don’t think that ever would’ve happened.”
“You don’t think I could be Amish?” John looked offended.
His mother shook her head. “You’ve always loved your vehicles and your other modern conveniences like indoor lighting. You wouldn’t have done well as an Amish man.”
“You wouldn’t either,” Heather said, nudging Billy with her elbow. “You like your car projects too much.”
Billy nodded. “You’re right. I wouldn’t last a day without my sports car.”
Jake watched his cousin interact with his girlfriend, and he wished Katie were there enjoying supper with his family. Why did their different faiths have to keep them apart?
“Time for dessert,” Anna Mary said, standing up and gathering dishes. “Who wants apple pie and ice cream?”
That evening, Katie stared at the shadows the wind blowing the trees outside the window projected onto her bedroom ceiling. The strange shapes morphing above her seemed a fitting analogy for her life. In the past few weeks she’d gone from being certain of her place and future in the community to being confused and doubtful.
She rolled onto her side while contemplating her day at the bakery. When she’d talked to Jake in the bakery, she’d been rendered breathless while her body quaked. It was as if the energy between them was palpable and sparking in the air around her like lightning in a late summer storm. Had he felt it too?
The feeling had been so overwhelming it had frightened her and made her question what it all meant. This attraction was something she’d never experienced. Was it as strong as what her brother felt for Lizzie Anne or the connection Lindsay and Matthew shared?
Although Katie had felt comforted while reading the Bible in her grandmother’s office, she had found herself mulling those questions over and over again during the remainder of the day. Her thoughts kept creeping back to the conversation she’d had with her grandmother last week when Elizabeth had told her about the woman who’d left the community to marry an Englisher. Was this the beginning of that life-changing road her grandmother’s friend had taken? She remembered other stories about community members who had left. Was this how Lindsay’s mother had felt when she’d met Lindsay’s father at the market? Was it also how Jake’s mother had felt before she converted and became a Mennonite?
Those thoughts led Katie to another nerve-wracking question: Was God telling Katie to break the vow she’d made to the church less than a month ago? No, she couldn’t possibly leave. She loved her community and her family too much. Yet she couldn’t stop believing she and Jake were meant to be together.
Due to her confusion and inner turmoil, Katie had remained in the kitchen as much as possible after seeing Jake. At noon, she’d taken her lunch bag outside to eat with her younger cousins, and she was thankful she hadn’t run into Jake again. Yet, at the same time, she’d missed him and longed to see him. How could she avoid him and miss him all at the same time? Was this how confusing falling in love was?
Burrowing down into her pillow, Katie cupped her hands to her face and moaned. I’m so confused!
“Katie?” Nancy asked from her side of the double bed they shared. “Was iss letz?”
Tears pooled in Katie’s eyes. “Nothing. Just go to sleep.”
“You’re not telling me the truth,” Nancy said. “I can hear it in your voice.”
Katie sniffed. “My allergies are acting up. I’m fine. Please go to sleep.”
“Just tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll go to sleep.”
“Fine,” Katie said. “I’m upset about something.” She sat up and considered how much to tell her sister. Although she trusted Nancy, she didn’t want Nancy to feel obligated to tell their parents.
“What is it, Katie?” Nancy asked with impatience. “Just tell me. You can trust me.”
“I can’t tell you,” Katie said, her voice trembling. “If you find out, you may feel you have to tell Mamm and Dat. I don’t want you to be caught in the middle if anything happens.”
Nancy sat up. “Is it that bad?”
“I don’t know,” Katie whispered. “I’m so confused.”
“Then tell me what it is.” Nancy leaned over and turned on the battery-powered lantern on her bedside table. The glow illuminated her blonde hair.
“I’m confused about my feelings.” Katie picked at the pattern on the quilt in order to avoid her sister’s probing stare. “I just don’t know what to do about them because it’s all so very jumbled up inside me.”
“Is this about what happened Friday?” Nancy asked, looking concerned. “Do you need to talk about it some more?”
“No, it’s not that, but danki for offering to listen.” Katie leaned back against the headboard and drew her knees up to her chest. “It’s about a bu. I talked to Mammi today, and she’s warned me to be careful because this could cause more problems for me. But how can I deny how I feel? I’ve tried to forget him, but I
just can’t. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do or how to feel.”
Nancy looked confused for a moment and then her eyes flew open. “It’s Jake Miller, isn’t it?”
Katie nodded.
“Oh, Katie.” Nancy shook her head and frowned. “You’re already in so much trouble with Mamm and Dat. You have to try to let go of your feelings for him. I hate seeing you struggle with this.”
Katie stared up at the ceiling, wishing it held the answer to her problems. “I don’t know what to do now. I saw him today, and I was actually trembling. I’ve never felt that way before. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. I can’t even explain it, and the feelings were so strong, Nancy. But, at the same time, I know we’re not meant to be.” She looked at her sister’s intrigued expression. “But then I wonder if we are meant to be, would God lead me to Jake only to break my heart?”
Nancy grinned. “You’re in love.”
“And a lot of good that’s done me.” Katie frowned. “I’m more unhappy now than when I felt all alone. It was bad enough watching Lizzie Anne and Lindsay fall in love, but now I’ve found someone I care for and I’m miserable.”
Her sister’s smile faded. “Don’t look at it that way. You never know. Maybe there’s a way it can work out for you and Jake.”
“How?” Katie asked. “The only way I can see that happening is if I leave the church and am shunned. I don’t want to leave my family or the church. This is where I belong.”
“Hmm.” Nancy tapped her chin with her fingertip. “That’s true.”
“There’s no other way.” Katie shook her head. “It’s hopeless.”
Nancy yawned. “I don’t know what to tell you. What did Mammi say?”
“She told me my feelings are all jumbled up because of the attack. She said once I sort through it all, I’ll see I wasn’t meant to be with Jake. She thinks I’ll meet an Amish bu and be froh. But as much as I want to believe her, I can’t.” Katie frowned. “Nancy, you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone about this, ya? You must promise me this will stay between us.”
Her sister looked serious. “I won’t tell anyone, but I think you need to be careful.” She touched Katie’s arm. “I know you don’t want to believe Mammi, but I think she’s right. You have to try to stop thinking about Jake or you’re going to get into more trouble.”
