How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “Vern, not to be a nitpicker, but friends don’t attack each other with fire-covered spears.”

  “Mr. LaGrange—”

  “Seriously, what’s going on here? I mean—if we are going to be skewered like shish kebabs, at least tell us why. We deserve that. You give us a place to rest, break bread and ploob kalarti with us—which was simply divine by the way—and then kill us? Why not kill us at the gate and take our ship?”

  “Orbius has demanded it. He has seen enough from you. I cannot go against his wishes.”

  “So you don’t agree with it? You kept us around to see if we were worth saving?”

  “Mr. LaGrange, Orbius’ will is final. You and Ishiro’shea must be destroyed.”

  “You really believe that, Vern? Do we look like we need to be destroyed? We are as good of dudes as you’re ever going to see in this universe. Surely, you have to recognize that? And we are super fun at parties.”

  “There is no process for appeal, Duke. I am truly sorry. Maybe the Orb will grant us an opportunity to meet again in an afterlife.”

  “Sounds like a blast.”

  “Advance.” The Neprian motioned and his squad of priestly warriors marched down the hill toward the bounty-hunting duo. Vernglet Wip disappeared behind the apex and out of view.

  “Looks like this is going to happen, Ishiro. Do you think they realize that I’ve got a gun? Actually, two guns.”

  Ishiro gave a rapid shrug that constituted a chuckle.

  “Going by Delix’s sharpshooting expertise, I’m guessing not. This Orbius fella must not be all-knowing after all. Who sends in ten skinny clergymen armed with over-sized toothpicks against Duke LaGrange?”

  The Neprians progressed slowly towards them.

  “Okay, stand back, Ishiro. Watch a master at work,” Duke said confidently as he placed Betsy back in her holster and dropped his right hand to his side. His fingers twitched as he whispered to himself, “Wait for it—thirty paces out... twenty-five... twenty...”

  With an unmatched fluidity, Duke rapidly pulled his laser revolver from his hip and rattled off eleven quick, powerful pulses. Eleven Neprian priests hit the ground—approximately nineteen paces from Duke LaGrange. Ishiro sheathed his katana.

  “Where are you, Vern?” shouted Duke. “Come back! Is that all you got? Orbius isn’t a god or a savior—he’s a bona fide idiot for thinking a handful of priests could stop Duke LaGrange.”

  There was no response. Silence filled the air.

  “I guess this means we go after him and get the Deus back?”

  Ishiro concurred.

  Now an even brighter light crept from behind the pinnacle of the mound to the east. An audible trembling was building steadily. Duke and Ishiro’shea exchanged inquisitive gazes. This can’t be good. Flame-tipped javelins were first in view. Dozens. Hundreds. The numbers kept growing. Then the drawn and gaunt faces became visible, each set of eyes focused on the bounty-hunting duo. The group kept expanding and their numbers spilled out beyond the ridge to form a wide arc between the twosome and Dre’en. This was not Vernglet Wip and a gang of priests; this was a legion of Neprian Holy Warriors.

  Chapter 14

  Change of Plans

  FROM THE CENTER OF THE Neprian army emerged another priest adorned in a pewter-colored robe—a very different look to High Priest Vernglet Wip. In the torchlight, his skin matched the color of his attire and his eyes were bloodshot spheres of hate. The headgear atop his cranium was also grander than Vernglet’s: greattu horns extended from the sides and multicolored streamers flowed in the breeze. He took a few steps to stand in front of his troops and held aloft a sword with a hilt of bones and a winding blade, half the length of the Neprian javelin. It appeared to be a timeless relic that had dished out its fair share of pain and suffering.

  “Vernglet Wip is no longer here, nor is he any concern of yours, off-worlders,” boomed a voice richer than that of any Neprian the duo had spoken to so far. “The great Orbius has grown tired of your presence. Your termination will now be enforced—something Vernglet Wip was incapable of performing.”

  “Tired of our presence? After a day? And we didn’t even meet the guy?” shouted Duke. “Remind me not to vacation here next year.”

  “I’m glad that you find humor in your last moments of life, Duke LaGrange. May your laughter bring you comfort during your descent into the afterlife.”

  “Alrighty, big guy. If you say so. But if you recall, I just laid out some of your minions without as much of a thought—what makes you think that I won’t do the same to you and your horde of toothpick-toters?”

  The hulking Neprian priest laughed.

  “I invite you to dispose of me and my legion, by all means, my off-world friend. Make the first move, Mr. LaGrange. But the subsequent move will be your immediate death.”

  The fingers on Duke’s right hand twitched. His stare hardened. The Neprian’s laughter increased in volume.

  The bounty hunter pulled his laser revolver from his hip and directed a pulse at the leader of the warrior-priest gang. With an unnerving calm, the muscle-bound Neprian twisted slightly to the left. A soldier collapsed behind the colossal commander, falling face first into the soil with a gaping hole in his chest.

  “Your aim seems to have failed you, Duke LaGrange,” laughed the brute.

  “It won’t fail me again.”

  Duke extended his arm and pointed his gun at the commander once again.

  “Attack, my legion, attack. Kill the two off-worlders!”

  The seemingly infinite mob of Neprian priests surrounded their superior officer. Duke’s next shot disappeared into the mass of charging warriors.

  “For Orbius!” The bellow resonated from behind the enemy line. “You fail again, Duke LaGrange.”

  Ishiro’shea stood in attack position, bracing for the oncoming charge. Duke rattled off pulse after pulse, taking down one Neprian after another.

  “Ishiro, they’re getting closer and I’m not taking out nearly enough. Any ideas?”

  The ninja tapped Duke on the shoulder.

  “No way, Ishiro. They want to drive us into that forest. You saw the movement earlier—I guarantee that they got a few more uglies in there just waiting for us.”

  Ishiro seemed agitated. He gestured to the oncoming swarm, now so close that Duke could see the sunken features of their emaciated faces.

  “We can take ‘em. We’ve been in worse situations. Remember that one time...”

  Neprian javelins filled the air. One of the golden rods struck the ground a single pace in front of the bounty hunter.

  “Ok, you win. Change of plans, Ishiro. The forest it is!”

  The bounty hunters turned and sprinted toward the dense foliage. The repeated sound of the Neprian spears hitting the soil continued to follow them.

  “Damnit, how many of those things do they have?”

  A javelin struck just to the right of the sprinting Nova Texan.

  “Looks like we got another problem, little buddy,” Duke said between deep breaths. “How do we get through this brush? Doesn’t look like there’s a way in.”

  Ishiro didn’t answer but picked up his pace beyond Duke’s ability to match. In a few moments he was three or four body lengths ahead of his companion. The ninja leapt in the air toward the opaque barrier of intertwined branches with his katana pointed skyward. His strike was quick and effortless; the martial artist landed without a sound. The wooded barricade split open, revealing a pathway just wide enough for the two bounty hunters to continue their retreat.

  “Thanks, Ishiro. But one more thing...”

  Duke stopped a few paces within the forest and let off a few rounds of his laser revolver at the overhanging foliage. Debris crumbled down and sealed the katana-hewn doorway.

  “That should slow ‘em down a bit. Let’s go, we need to put as much ground in between us and those skinny punks as we can.”

  They reduced their speed to a heavy jog as they navigated the unfamiliar forest. As
they traveled deeper, the remaining light from overhead was swallowed up by the forest canopy.

  “Listen, Ishiro,” Duke said. He stopped. “Nothing. I don’t hear a thing.”

  Ishiro’shea appeared to focus his auditory senses in order to confirm Duke’s assessment.

  “Did they give up? I don’t hear a solitary branch cracking or a single voice. You know, I should be happy about this—but I keep thinking that there could be a reason they aren’t following us. Maybe they drove us right into their trap?”

  Ishiro unsheathed his blade. Duke pulled his laser revolver from its holster.

  “Let’s keep an eye out, little buddy. I have a bad feeling—again. Man, I really hate this planet.”

  Ishiro’shea knelt down and rummaged around a few fallen branches.

  “Good idea, Ishiro. I’ll cover you while you get us a torch going. I don’t think we can go any farther without some light. I don’t really want to hunker down now and wait until the morning; those priests might change their minds and follow us in here. But I don’t think we can go down the path in the dark either—we’d be sitting ducks.”

  Soon a flame flickered at the ends of two sticks. Ishiro’shea handed one of the makeshift torches to Duke.

  “Thanks. Okay, at least if we get ambushed, we’ll see ‘em. Gives us a fighting chance, right?”

  A gust of wind hit both men in the face; darkness consumed them instantaneously. A heavy canvas screen knocked Duke and Ishiro’shea off their feet and flattened them against the forest floor. Their newly-created flashlights left their hands upon impact and returned to their wilderness home.

  “Holy hedgehogs! Ishiro, you okay?” Duke asked in a muffled tone, pinned against the ground by the weighty net.

  He didn’t hear a response. Definitely not a great time to have a partner that doesn’t talk.

  Ishiro whistled. Good.

  “Well, I’m glad we had those torches so we could prevent ourselves from walking into their trap, right?”

  Duke soon realized it was a bad time for sarcasm.

  Chapter 15

  Blindfolds

  “HOW ABOUT TAKING THESE BLINDFOLDS off? I mean, you got us... you win.”

  Hushed tones and jumbled speech echoed around what Duke believed was a cave of some sort.

  “Actually, scratch that request. I’m tired of looking at your ugly priestly mugs. It’s bad enough that you morons captured us—I don’t think I’m ready to see the smug look on your bony faces.”

  Their conversations continued to elude Duke’s understanding.

  “I guess I’m talking to myself here. Well, you guys should feel pretty tough. It only took a thousand of ya’ to catch Ishiro and I—not very efficient if you ask me. Pretty piss-poor, in fact.”

  “Seriously, do you ever shut up?”

  The response was tinged with genuine frustration, and sounded nothing like the Neprian voices to which Duke had grown accustomed during his time on the planet. Not even the big ugly warrior priest’s.

  “Oh, hey there. What’s happening, friend?”

  “I’m trying to find a gag for you. Your constant gibberish is going to give our position away. No prisoner is worth that!”

  “You must be related to that oversized priest dude with the flamboyant hat.”

  “Why on Neprius would you think that I’m related to General Tsarano Gar?”

  “You’re the only ones with deep voices. All of your other brothers and sisters—wait, do you have sisters? I didn’t see any. Anyways, all of your brothers sounded like puberty was a long-term goal. Kudos for not being a squeaky toy.”

  “See, I told you!” This new exclamation was a bit more alto than bass.

  “Now that’s what I’m used to,” replied Duke. “Hey, Mr. Priest.”

  “I’m not a priest, you idiot! I’m a kid. And I’m not a ‘mister.’ This is how I’m supposed to sound.”

  “Whatever. Is that you, Vernglet? Hoblet? I know it’s one of you lot.”

  “I told you, Po’l. Both things that I said. Number one—he is not on the side of Orbius. And number two—” The voice broke off into a whisper. “He’s an idiot.”

  “Wait a damn second! Holy hedgehogs! You’re that puny street varmint. I knew I was going to regret saving you.”

  “You didn’t save me, off-worlder,” cried the kid. “I had those Northerners where I wanted.”

  “Right. Can you at least take off these hoods now that you know we aren’t in with the killer clergy?”

  “Absolutely not,” replied the deeper-voiced being. Duke assumed this was Po’l. “The Northerners have pulled off sneakier ruses than this, under the guidance of Orbius. You could be part of yet another elaborate setup.”

  “Po’l!” squeaked the kid.

  “Sorry. I’m still going to recommend that we execute them—to be safe.”

  “We’re not going to consider that option, Po’l.” The voice was soft yet with a firm confidence.

  Female.

  “Hello, ma’am,” interjected Duke. “My name is Duke LaGrange. Adventurer. Trailblazer. Poet. A true man of the universe. You, my lovely Neprian goddess, must be the leader of this band of warriors. Your speech is that of a leader and a visionary.”

  The creamy voice began again. “You know what? Maybe we do keep execution on the table.”

  “Thank you, Ja’a. This guy and his henchman add no value to our cause,” exclaimed Po’l.

  Ishiro’shea began to rustle in the cage.

  “Calm down, Ishiro. You aren’t a henchman.”

  “Po’l, I’m kidding,” replied Ja’a. “To be honest, I’m quite impressed. I’ve never been hit on through a blindfold—by someone that hasn’t even seen me.”

  “You can tell a lot from a voice, my beautiful belle.”

  “Mr. LaGrange, I said I was impressed—not stupid. Remove the hoods.”

  “Ja’a, you’re acting irrationally. Kid, keep the hoods on!”

  “Po’l, I know this is hard for you, but the leaders put me in charge of the capture and maintenance of these two peculiar aliens. Let me do my job.”

  “No worries, Miss Ja’a! See!” The kid had already removed the hoods, obviously ignoring the barking of Po’l.

  Duke scanned his cage. Primitive. Then, the kid. Yep, same little urchin. Then, who he believed was Po’l. Athletic, probably could handle himself in a brawl. Then, Ja’a. My senses haven’t missed a step.

  “Thanks, kid. Well, hello, there. You have to admit, I was spot on about one thing. You’re quite the sight to behold. Breathtaking.”

  Ja’a was slender and lean—but muscular. The exposed skin of her arms, midriff, and face were gently bronzed. Other than her ears—which were slightly too large for her head and shaped like tilted ovals—she looked exceptionally human. Way better looking than those Hilterians at the bar.

  All three of them sported similar hairstyles; the sides of their heads were completely shaven and the hair that they did sport appeared to grow from a single circular pad on their cranium. The kid’s hair was a stringy, discombobulated mess, matching her clothes. Po’l’s darker hair was neatly groomed into a perfect circle, no hair longer than half a blade of grass. Ja’a’s stretched beyond the back of her shoulders, wound in a tight ponytail—an attractive whip of dirty blonde sass. Of the three captors, she was the only wearing face paint—a silvery-blue pattern that stretched around each eye and continued around her head. The choice of cosmetics highlighted the steely crystal of her eyes. Stunning.

  “We removed your blindfolds, but that’s it. We still need to know who you are, where you come from, and why you’re here—at this, undeniably suspicious, juncture in time.”

  “I’m Duke LaGrange. Adventurer—”

  “Please stop. Please. If you say that again, I’ll send you straight back to Gar and his men. I’m sure they’ll have something a bit more annoying than our blindfolds.”

  The kid chuckled. As did Ishiro’shea.

  “Ishiro? Really?”


  “Ja’a, he wants to go back to Gar. Gar is his sworn master. I know misdirection when I see it.”

  Have you ever seen anyone cut their own head off? Now that’s misdirection, thought Duke.

  “I’m not sure they have anything more annoying than this guy!”

  “Po’l, please be quiet. We need to see if Duke and his quiet friend provide any insight, or add any value for us.”

  “Okay, fine. My name is Duke LaGrange. This is my sidekick, Ishiro’shea. I’m not sure we have great answers for the rest of your questions.”

  “Why is that?”

  “We were brought here by a giant space blob; a red astral anomaly just gobbled up our spaceship and deposited us neatly in an orbit around your gem of a planet.”

  “Interesting.”

  “The skinny priests said the same thing. I’m assuming y’all don’t get along.”

  “For now, we’ll ask the questions.”

  “Fair enough, all things considered.”

  “Yes, all things considered. So you were sent to Neprius against your will—and then what?”

  “Ishiro and I parked our ship—which was stolen by those damn priests, by the way—and walked toward what we thought was civilization. We passed a few deserted villages—” Duke paused. “I’m assuming those are yours? Similar décor to this cave prison.”

  “Continue your story, Duke.”

  “Thanks for not calling me ‘Mr. LaGrange.’ So, we made it to the giant wall and that’s where Vernglet Wip met us. He seemed like a good dude—odd, but good. He loved him some Orbius though. And crops. Never understood that. So, he invited us into the heart of Dre’en to meet with some Neprian scholars to help us find out about the weird star thingy that brought us here.”

  “Seems plausible.”

  “Ishiro and I were given a room and then we met Vern for a nice dinner. We didn’t suspect any funny business.”