How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  A grunt came from behind Duke in the cell.

  “Okay, I didn’t suspect anything. Ishiro never felt good about the whole ordeal. We headed back to our room after dinner and heard some rumbling in the dining room, so we went to check it out. That’s where we ran into your diminutive jailer over there being harassed by some Neprian thugs.”

  “Is that true?”

  The female child nodded.

  “She escaped and we bashed up some priests. When we made our way back up, our weapons were being stolen by two other pale-faces.”

  “Your weapons over there?” Ja’a pointed at Betsy, his laser revolver, and Ishiro’s katana.

  “You got it.”

  “How’d you survive? We noticed the destruction that these items caused on Gar and his troops.”

  “They’re pretty rad, right? However, our buddy Delix didn’t quite know how to use ‘em. Betsy’s pretty much a point-and-shoot firearm, but you really can’t mess up the ‘point’ part if you’re going to nail the ‘shoot’ half of the equation. Seeing his buddy splattered against the wall must’ve not sat right with Hoblet—so he vamoosed.”

  “Lies!” Po’l shouted. “He wants to make us seem like we can’t figure out his magic weapon so we ask for his guidance—then he kills us, for Orbius.”

  “Her name is Betsy.”

  “You name this bringer of death? I knew it—they’re sick, sadistic assassins.”

  “Po’l, let him finish.”

  “It was obvious that someone didn’t want us here so we booked it back to the Deus—our ship.”

  “You guys sure like naming things.”

  “When we got there, it was gone. I’m assuming that Vernglet and his priest friends jacked it. I don’t know why, though. Or how. If they can’t figure out a gun, good luck with a spaceship.”

  “It does seem odd. Maybe it was Orbius?”

  “Whoever it was, my ship’s gone. And before we know it, Vern and his buds surrounded us. I mowed some down with my other weapon.”

  “What’s its name?”

  “Actually, it doesn’t have one.”

  “Pity.”

  “So Vern disappears and that ugly Gar pops up and tells us not to worry about Vern—which I wasn’t because we had bigger fish to fry—and he brings out hundreds of his soldiers.”

  “Why didn’t you just shoot Gar?” asked Po’l.

  “I tried. But I missed.”

  “Wait, you blasted an entire group without missing—but can’t hit a single target? And a huge target at that. I’m not buying it.” He turned to Ja’a. “They’re pulling one over on us—if he wanted to hit Gar, he would’ve.”

  “As hard as it is for me to admit this, I just flat missed.”

  “Mr. LaGrange—” Ja’a started.

  “Oh great, we’re back to ‘Mr. LaGrange.’ I thought we were making progress.”

  “I have to agree with Po’l. That part does seem far-fetched. Let’s pretend you are telling the truth—continue.”

  “I am telling the truth.”

  “Go on.”

  “Gar’s army rushed us with their spears and we ran into the forest. I felt we put some space between us and then BAM! We’re here with you crazy cats.”

  “Complete garbage,” raged Po’l. “I think this needs to be brought to the council. They’ll side with me, I guarantee you, Ja’a.”

  “I think they can help us,” replied Ja’a.

  “Me too!” shouted the kid.

  “You’re both wrong. LaGrange is full of greattu dung. His friend can’t even speak.”

  “You know we can hear you, right?”

  “Yeah—and I don’t really care. Please just shut up and start acting like a prisoner.”

  “Oh, Po’l, I think we got off on the wrong foot.”

  “Ja’a, let’s just take their weapons and leave them to die. I can’t handle this guy one second longer. I’m sure we can figure out how to use the weapons. I mean, they did—and look at them.”

  “You heard what he said—the priest tried and he exploded,” said the kid.

  “Lies.”

  “What if they aren’t lies, Po’l? What if they are the only ones that can master them?”

  “Ja’a, do you seriously believe that?”

  “I don’t know. But based on what we saw, they could be the tools we need to turn the tide against Orbius. It’s worth the risk.”

  “Yeah!” screamed the kid, directly at Po’l. He sneered back.

  “Hey guys,” interjected Duke. “You think my guns are the secret to defeating Orbius and Gar and his armies?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Y’all are crazy.”

  “We’re crazy?” said Po’l.

  “Let me rephrase that. Y’all are crazy but you, my good sir, are insane.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Well, it’s one thing to think two guns are going to win a war—even if I was operating them—but then to think that we blasted some dudes into their graves as part of some elaborate hoax to get in close with you… that’s a whole new level of stupid.”

  “Exactly what I would expect you to say.”

  “Fine! Go use it. Shoot me and Ishiro. Do your best, Po’l!”

  Ishiro’shea kicked Duke squarely in the back.

  “No worries, Ishiro. He won’t figure it out. In a few minutes, he’ll be splattered against the wall like Delix—and then we won’t have to listen to his dumb-ass conspiracy theories anymore.”

  Po’l flashed a smile at Duke. “Sounds like a plan to me—”

  “Po’l, stop! Whether they’re who you think they are—or who they say they are—we aren’t going to try out their weapons. That is for the council to decide.”

  “I’ve had enough of this, Ja’a. I’m not sure whose team you’re on—or why you’d side with this murderer and his mute lap dog.”

  “Po’l, be reasonable.”

  “You know what? You can stay here with these two, I’ll head out and keep watch.”

  “We’ve got guys out there.”

  “Maybe they could use some company.” Visibly frustrated, Po’l stormed out.

  “Let ‘em go, Ja’a,” the kid begged. “He’s wrong, I know it.”

  “I hope you’re right. I really do.”

  “She is,” interrupted Duke. “But tell me one thing.”

  “Yes?”

  “What exactly are we trying to learn from you? Why are we supposedly playing this epic trick on y’all? Oh yeah, and why are you so pissed at Orbius? I mean, I know why I’m mad at ‘em—they jacked my ship and tried to kill me.”

  “One thing?”

  “Okay, maybe three.”

  “I’m not sure I’ll tell you any of that—just in case.”

  “But Ja’a,” the kid responded, “if they are spies working for Orbius—they know all of this.”

  “Good point.”

  “Wow, you’re a wise little street varmint,” commented the bounty hunter.

  “Thanks.”

  “Do you have a name? Or just ‘kid’?”

  “It’s Uu’k.”

  “Okay, ‘kid’ it is. So, what’s the story here, Ja’a? What’s the beef with Orbius?”

  Ja’a sat down on a makeshift chair just outside of the pair’s cage. Uu’k sat cross-legged to her left, seemingly eager for the yarn that was about to unfold.

  Chapter 16

  Ruptured Eardrums

  “I GUESS WE CAN START with the droughts. I remember it quite vividly. My family and I lived outside of Dre’en and, out of nowhere, the weather changed,” Ja’a paused reflectively. “Crops began to die. Our villages suffered greatly.”

  “What caused it? What did your scientists say?”

  “Scientists? We had no scientists. We’re simple folk, Duke. We farmed—and farmed well. Or so we thought. We handled bad weather in the past but weren’t able to figure it out this time. Food dried up and villages began to fight with each other over whatever scraps could be collected.�
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  “Did it affect everyone? Or just the rural villages?”

  “Most of us lived the same lifestyle. Even in Dre’en—though it was the center of our land—they ate from the same crops as our village and the hundreds of villages in southern Neprius.”

  “So, how’d you figure it out?”

  “It was so bad that our leaders traveled across the land bridge that connects the north and south to talk with the Northern tribes.”

  “Northern tribes?”

  “Yes, your priest friends. Those possessing the pale skin; they come from the northern land mass.”

  “I thought they controlled Dre’en? That place seems to be crawlin’ with ‘em.”

  “That was not always the case. In fact, until the droughts no Northerner had set foot in Dre’en for countless ages.”

  “I’m confused,” said Duke.

  “As I was saying, our leaders trekked northward to meet their high priests—and ask for aid and assistance. However, it was clear that their fate was no different than ours. The extreme weather had ravaged their lands with the same blatant disregard for life. When we arrived, they were welcomed by the council of the Northern tribe to try and solve the horrible situation that had fallen upon the whole of Neprius.”

  “Did the two sides not speak a lot?”

  “No. After generations of warfare, the two tribes settled in different halves of Neprius and swore never to cross the land bridge. Both sides lived up to their end of the bargain; cycles and cycles of life came and went and we weren’t even sure if they existed anymore. I’m sure they felt the same.”

  “Fascinating.”

  “You haven’t heard the fascinating part yet, Duke!” shouted Uu’k.

  “Uu’k, I’m getting to it.”

  “Sorry, Ja’a.”

  “Unfortunately, ‘fascinating’ carries a fairly negative connotation in this case. Unknown to most of us in the south and, my assumption, to most in the north, the histories of our two tribes were connected by a powerful source that was beyond our ability to grasp. Only a few leaders on our council knew the truth. To everyone else it was just a legend that you told children.”

  “Yep,” Uu’k added.

  “There was a hidden temple near the center of the land bridge,” continued Ja’a, “guarded by clergy from both lands—it remained secret for millennia. These guards’ lifelong duty was the concealment of this shrine and what was inside.”

  “I’m guessing this is the ‘fascinating’ part?”

  “Yes, inside the temple was an Orb. An Orb that—”

  “Must be respected and controls stuff, right? I’ve heard about it from Vern.”

  “In their words, they do refer to it as something like that. In ours, the Orb is referred to simply as Peace.”

  “Cute. I’m not much into round rocks determining the paths civilizations take. Seems like your people and those wacky nutjobs up north are a bit simple minded. A bunch of utter hogwash.”

  “Duke, I don’t think you understand. This Orb is an ancient relic that, whether you want to believe it or not, helped to end the war between our two tribes. Its power was uncontrollable and unimaginable; both sides stole it from one another and caused more pain and suffering on themselves than their rivals. It led them to a treaty and thousands of cycles of peace. Both tribes decided to build a secure place to house Peace and closed off the land bridge from both sides. Of course this meant that our races would never be in contact with each other from that point on—but it was worth it to maintain a truce. The sheer unharnessed power of this artifact kept everyone grounded and put into perspective how puny we really are—and how the death and destruction caused by war over petty differences of opinions was senseless.”

  “Seems a little harsh. If you realized that, isn’t that enough? Did you really have to separate the two tribes permanently?”

  “I don’t know but, for some reason, they did.”

  “So, what happened next regarding the dying crops and food shortage?”

  “The leaders of both races were perplexed and lacked a solution. They ended up sending the High Priest of the North, his name was Jilarian Togg, and our Tribal Chief, He’j, to the temple and see if the Orb could help save Neprius.”

  “Did they just walk up and ask it to help? It’s a flippin’ rock.”

  “Duke, there is much that you don’t know about Peace.”

  “Fine. Go on. But you’re losing me.”

  “The story goes that He’j and Jilarian Togg retrieved the Orb and sat on the banks of the swamps around the temple for days. Nothing happened. And finally He’j grabbed the Orb and shook it—and shouted at the top of his lungs, ‘Bring us someone or something that will make an impact on Neprius and rid us of our plight. Thousands will die of thirst and hunger if you don't help us, Peace. You did it once before—please, do it again. Bring us someone that will end this suffering.’”

  “Inspiring. Did he have a speechwriter?” Duke directed this quip at Ishiro’shea, who did not return a chuckle.

  “Maybe Po’l was right.”

  “My apologies. I promise I'll be quiet.”

  “I’m not sure you deserve the rest of the story, but I will continue.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Peace began to glow a bright purple, and tremble, and then hover above the two men. The swamp bubbled ferociously. The sky went completely black, with the exception of the Orb.”

  “Then what?” Duke asked, his interest reengaged.

  “Then nothing.”

  “What?”

  “Not for a few days at least. Just as He’j and his men were preparing to leave, reports from the north—near their capital of Sansagon—trickled in of a mysterious off-worlder. They brought him to meet with He’j and Togg. His name was Ot Vangu—of Earth.”

  “Ishiro, ever heard of him?”

  The ninja shook his head.

  “Figured. And that’s why Vern was so squirrely when we mentioned Earth. What was Mr. Ot Vangu up to?”

  “The Orb summoned him.”

  “Of course it did! You would think if a magic rock wants you to save the planet, it could’ve got him here a bit faster than a few days.”

  “Vangu couldn’t explain it but it was clear that the Orb had brought him here.”

  “How were they so sure?”

  “He was the person that He’j had asked for. His job back on his home world was to bring vegetation and crops to barren lands. He grew life from nothingness; he brought hope to Neprius. He saved us.”

  “So all was going so swimmingly. What happened?”

  “Both tribes decided to elect Ot Vangu as supreme governor; he was wise and had no bias towards either race. He was a heaven-sent impartial leader.”

  “No such thing.”

  “I agree with you there, Duke. For Vangu learned of Peace and became obsessed with it—locking himself in a room for weeks and months and cycles. Both tribes became worried and tried to reason with Vangu. Somehow, during his time as leader of the two tribes, he discovered how to control the Orb—something thought to be impossible. He demanded that both tribes pledged their allegiance to him. High Priest Togg confronted him first—as the story goes, it was in the town square of Sansagon—and Vangu struck him down with one blast of light from Peace. Togg, a proud leader, died in the street as the other Northerners watched in awe. It was clear that the Northerners would not fight Ot Vangu. He gained his loyal followers almost immediately.”

  “And the Southern tribes? And He’j? Your people?”

  “We fought Vangu for many cycles. We were no match for Peace—under Vangu’s control, it killed many of my people. We surrendered. Vangu was not kind to us for resisting and so we were enslaved. My entire race was sent to the mines to dig for stones for his palace; stones used as decoration. We slave and die underground for a frivolous cause—and Vangu just laughs at our peril. He made sure that we would not die honorable deaths.”

  “What happened to He’j?”

&nbs
p; “He died at Vangu’s hands. That is all we know.”

  “A corrupted warlord with a magic rock that enslaves farmers to dig for some home decor—well, it’s a new one for Ishiro and I. So, I’m assuming you’re part of some sort of ragtag rebellion?”

  “Yes. Our numbers are small but not insignificant. The sad fact is that many would rather die in the mines in ten years than fight for freedom in one.”

  “Honey, that’s most sentient races. Cowardice is not unique to Neprius.”

  “Vangu’s forces continue to grow—the Northerners worship him as a god. In fact, Vangu and the Orb have become one to them and, thus, Orbius was born.”

  “I was about to ask about ‘Orbius.’ It’s nothing more than Vangu rebranding himself, huh?”

  “Yes. He's successfully taken over the entire planet. Dre’en fell to his followers quite easily and now the few left that oppose Orbius are scattered across the southern landmass. It makes it hard to organize; but we might have caught a break.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “You. More accurately, your weapons. They seem to be able to at least challenge Orbius.”

  “Ah. Yes. My weapons. As much as I love Ol’ Betsy, I’m not sure they will be much help against a supernatural orb and its lunatic master.”

  “You might be right. After all, General Gar managed to elude death. However, maybe we'll be able to master your weapon at a level that you aren’t able to achieve.”

  “You must be kidding, sister. That’s as crazy as your story.”

  “The story isn’t crazy. It’s true,” chimed in Uu’k. “You have to help us!”

  “Uu’k, I’m not sure Mr. LaGrange and his friend have any interest in helping us. But maybe the fate that brought them here will be enough to make an impact through the usage of their armaments.”

  "Fate? It sounds like I got caught up in some of Orbius’ manipulating-space-and-time practice sessions with his little magic ball. Not sure if that's fate or really bad luck.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “Touché,” replied Duke. “Just wonderful. I would have preferred my chances with Korzo-Tapor and the Robots. Right, Ish?"

  The bounty hunter then turned his attention to the child. “Hey kid, you know all of this means that y’all are going to take our guns and leave us here to rot in this cage.”