How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “What did they do?”

  “How I understand it is that a young Ish was dropped off at the edge of the city and picked up by a family friend that enrolled him in the local school—the College of Cohorts, Consorts, Co-Conspirators, and Other Assorted Sidekick Types. That’s all I know.”

  “And the not talking bit?”

  “He swore a vow of silence upon his graduation; it will be his burden until he finds his parents. They went missing in the conflict—some believe they died, some think they fled and are living it up on an island paradise on some uncharted world.”

  “I can’t imagine.”

  “In fact, I think it’s what bonded us together.”

  “Are your parents missing as well?”

  “Not missing so much. More like dead.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

  “No need to be sorry. I never knew them. I was orphaned. Dropped off on the doorstep of a brothel and raised by a rogue outlaw and his favorite lady of the evening.”

  Ja’a appeared visibly flustered.

  “At least, she was the madam.”

  Once again, Ja’a struggled to respond. After a while she managed, “That had to make for an interesting upbringing?”

  “I learned a lot. But after Mistress Trixie died, my father—if you want to call him that—left.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “And I think that our unique parental situations made Ishiro and I the perfect team. Every corner that we turn in every new city on every new planet that we visit—there’s a bit of us that’s hoping that we run into our parents or, in my case, the man that raised me. We both know the odds of that happening but it’s still with us. What would we even say, anyways? Especially Ishiro—I mean, does he even remember how to talk? But we get each other. Same wavelength, you know.”

  “I hope you find the man that raised you. And I hope that Ishiro’shea finds his parents.”

  “Enough of that. Let’s talk about something more upbeat.”

  “You never did tell me how you met on Earth,” reminded Ja’a.

  “That’s for another day.”

  “Then what should we talk about?”

  “How about how we’re going to kill these slave drivers and save an innocent village.”

  “Right. We need to come up with some sort of plan if we’re going to do this successfully.”

  “Kinda hard without seeing the lay of the land, having an estimate on ‘bad guy’ count, or really knowing anything.”

  “True. We can survey the village tomorrow from a safe distance, then figure out our strategy. Bu’r should be able to help us. I guess for tonight we can focus on making sure no one finds us out here relaxing and resting up.”

  “Hey, I’m a mighty fine lookout. Even when it’s pitch black and we only have that wimpy torch.” The bounty hunter rustled around in a small compartment affixed to his belt. “Oh yeah, I’ve got these.”

  He handed Ja’a his travel-size night vision goggles. “Check ‘em out! They help you see at night.”

  The Neprian examined them and placed them over her eyes. That was natural.

  “These look like our bifocal telescopic sight enhancers—but ours don’t work in the dark. These are fascinating. I mean, I’m sure they would be fascinating if there was anything to see.”

  “True, not the best subject to view, but we can take turns as lookout—just in case we see an oncoming group of nocturnal marauders.”

  Ja’a reclined onto the yielding grass of the hill with the binoculars still pressed to her eyes.

  “I’ve got another question for you, Ja’a.”

  “What’s that?”

  “How close has this rebellion come to overthrowing Orbius? Have there been any wins or progress? Or are we shooting in the dark?”

  Ja’a hesitated and sighed. “Do you remember that I spoke of a leader called He’j?”

  “Yes, with Jilarian Togg.”

  “Great memory.”

  “Thanks. I try.”

  “He’j was very much the face of our rebellion, as you know. You could say that he was like Ishiro’shea’s mother and father—the symbol of our cause and the one leading. He was very close to destroying Orbius.”

  “How close?”

  “He told us that he had a theory about the Orb—but it was just that, a theory. He couldn’t bring himself to have troops go into battle over his hunch so he and a select group of soldiers traveled to Orbius’ palace in a stealth manner.”

  “What was his theory?”

  “That’s just it, he didn’t tell a soul. Not even his companions on the mission.”

  “Why? Seems like an odd thing to do.”

  “He said that if he was right or wrong, he couldn’t tell anyone. If he was right and failed to kill Orbius, the simple fact that Orbius would know that we are aware of his great weakness would bring greater harm to Neprius.”

  “Interesting.”

  “We learned not too long ago that He’j’s mission had failed. Orbius killed He’j. Word spread fast. He wanted all of us to know that he’d personally ended our great leader's life.”

  “To weaken the resolve of the cause.”

  “Yes. He’s good at that.”

  The night continued to curtail visibility but Duke noticed, in the faint glow of the flame, a narrow rivulet of tears on Ja’a’s cheek.

  The rebel leader’s eyes caught his stare. “I’m sorry. It’s just that—He’j was my father.”

  Duke attempted to digest this news. “Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

  “It shouldn’t matter—it doesn’t matter. My devotion to the cause is independent of my relationship to my father. Whether he was a significant leader or an enslaved peasant, I would still be where I am now—fighting Orbius with every ounce of energy in my bones.”

  “I don’t doubt that, Ja’a. Not at all.”

  “Thank you, Duke. That means a lot.”

  Ja’a rolled onto her side, facing Duke. Her face was illuminated by the torch flame; highlighting her striking features against a backdrop of celestial darkness like a spotlight focused on a single actor standing before a murky theater curtain.

  “Good night, my friend.”

  Duke didn’t like the term ‘friend.’ But he also didn’t feel right about what he typically would have done in a moment such as this. Restraint was never his forte when it came to lying next to vulnerable females—but he found a way to dig deep and not act like a total asshole.

  He took the binoculars from Ja’a and started the first shift of lookout duty.

  The morning light eased its way under Duke’s eyelids, ending his peaceful slumber. Along with the light, the dawn brought intermittent clouds of fog that hovered over the expanse of fields. It was slightly cooler than the previous mornings. Duke always enjoyed a breeze, having grown up in the living furnace that was Nova Texas.

  The bounty hunter stretched his arms and embraced the day—and the inevitability of having to deal with a village under siege; another roadblock between him and the Deus. However, his pessimistic outlook was quickly diverted to one of a more pleasurable connotation.

  “Good morning.”

  Ja’a had been on the last shift of lookout duty. She was already packed and ready to return to the rest of the group. Her long pearwood hair was pulled back neatly and arranged in the style that Duke was accustomed to seeing during their trek. The cosmetic stylings that adorned her face had already been reapplied, albeit with a slightly ashier palette, though they showcased her steely eyes no less than before.

  “Good morning to you,” Ja’a said softly as she knelt down, adjusting elements on her bow and examining the remaining arrows. “Ready to go save a village?”

  Chapter 21

  Universe's Best Ruler

  “YOU DON'T THINK I’M EVIL, do you?”

  The servant immediately halted his feathering of a trophy proclaiming that the owner was the “Universe's Best Ruler” and stared back at the questioner.
r />   “Of course I'm not evil,” Orbius said to himself before the servant could respond.

  The Neprian priest exhaled and continued to clean the ruler’s assorted awards that accumulated on his shelf.

  “I just don't get why these rebels keep trying to resist. Do you?”

  The servant froze again. His trembling was more noticeable: he knocked over a framed photo of two orcas trapping a poor sea lion on a floating shard of ice with the caption, “Teamwork.”

  “Of course you don't. You get it. You see it. You know that I'm the only one that can harness the power of the Orb and prevent it from corrupting the entire planet. Right?”

  The priest simply nodded and bowed slightly.

  Orbius stood up and walked towards an enormous window that looked out over the whole of Sansagon. The priests—his priests—were running drills and distributing weapons. Preparations for battle were underway. Orbius smiled.

  He raised his hand and stretched his fingers skyward; his bulky rings scratched one another. Whoosh. An electric purple filled the area and the Orb skimmed across the room at eye level and came to rest in Orbius’ palm. He examined it. His gaze lingered.

  “What do you think?”

  The priest cleared his throat. He looked around the room as if to make sure that the Orbmaster was actually addressing him.

  “Yes, you. What do you think?”

  “Almighty Orbius, my lord, what do I think about what?”

  “About the current events on our happy little world. Your pesky cousins to the south not seeing the error of their ways and realizing that I’m their savior too. And now rumblings about some flying monsters coming out of the west.”

  “I do not understand their actions.”

  “I know, right? Ridiculous.”

  “Yes, my lord, ridiculous.”

  “And another thing—”

  Orbius’ thought was interrupted by the sound of two more servants entering his chamber, pushing a wheeled tray containing plates and glassware.

  “Excellent! There better be some greattu under that lid.”

  The priests stopped and looked at each other. They performed a complete turn and shuffled back through the door. A shrill “We need greattu—fast” was audible from the hallway.

  “I love greattu. Maybe the best thing about this planet. What was I saying before?”

  “I believe you were questioning the actions of those opposing you.”

  “And not just me, my good friend. They are opposing you. And your families. And—if you think about it—the entire planet of Neprius.” Orbius paused. “They are waging a war against the long-term health and safety of the planet.”

  “That is very true, my lord.”

  “You could say that on top of everything, we are eco-warriors.”

  “You could say that,” stammered the servant.

  “I know. And I am going to say it. Oh, and you missed a spot over there.”

  The priest doubled down on his dusting.

  “But why don't they see it? You see it. Your race sees it. I mean, outside of that Togg character. Why is it so difficult?”

  “I think—never mind.”

  “No, go on—please go on.” Orbius’ demeanor turned to grim concentration.

  “From what I hear—you know, the word from around town, if you will—”

  “Yes?” Orbius asked impatiently.

  “The rebels think that you are the evil that the planet should fear. They think that you are trying to make them slaves.”

  Orbius' eyes widened and his pupils dilated. He gripped the Orb even tighter and its glow pulsed with the increased tension. The veins in his necked stiffened. The servant cowered.

  “Which is, of course, crazy. And why they must be punished,” babbled the servant. “Who could honestly think that? Especially after you saved us once from the droughts with your advanced knowledge of harvests.”

  Orbius relaxed. “That's right. They are crazy. What if I relinquished the Orb and someone who couldn't control it ended up with it? What then?”

  “Disaster,” responded the servant hesitantly.

  “Disaster, indeed. You could end up like Earth. Wars, feuds, conflict. Every good thing that we created or discovered was overshadowed by greed, corruption, and baseless violence. If it wasn’t a gang war driven by races with different values about who knows what, it was two governments fighting over a few extra bits of currency or a few scraps of insignificant land. Did I ever tell you that my lab was fire-bombed by a group of people that felt I was violating the right of plants by testing chemicals on them? Tests that potentially might end hunger throughout our entire planet?”

  “No, my lord.”

  “And then I was stoned by another group of wackos as I was fleeing the burning building. They felt I was infringing on God's will by trying to eradicate hunger.”

  “I'm sorry, oh great Orbius.”

  “If that wasn't bad enough, I also avoided a corporate assassination because I switched the brand of chemical compounds that I was using, costing some high-level executive a big payday after he promised his mistress a new beach house.”

  “Truly a planet with many issues.”

  “There wasn’t a singular power to unite the planet. There wasn’t a singular point of reason that could govern everyone correctly. Hell, that’s the problem with the whole of the universe, if you ask me. I won't let that happen to Neprius. The Orb called me to save this planet—save you and your people—and I will stop at nothing to make sure that I do. If I had the Orb on Earth, I could save that planet too.”

  “They would all be very grateful, I'm sure.”

  “You better believe it. I will get enough power in due time—and then I will save Earth in the same way that I'm saving Neprius. And then on to another poor planet. And on and on.”

  “A glorious plan, my excellency.”

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  Another knock at the door.

  “Yes, it’s open. Come in.”

  “Almighty Orbius. Orbmaster. Savior. The one true—”

  “I get it, I get it. What do you want?”

  “Vernglet Wip of Dre’en is here to see you.”

  “Send him in.”

  “Yes, my lord.”

  “Oh, and will you check on my greattu?”

  Chapter 22

  Welcome to Shud’nut

  DESPITE THE PIVOT SOUTHWARD TOWARDS the village, the scenery remained consistent. For the short excursion, Duke, Ishiro’shea, and the Neprians traveled together—foregoing their previous positions and adopting a ‘safety in numbers’ approach. Duke figured that if the climate of the mission changed to one of an unfriendly ilk, Ja’a probably didn’t want the lookouts to be on an island without immediate backup. Sensible, thought Duke.

  “We’re close. Can you see the smoke?” asked the barrel-chested Neprian, Bu’r.

  “The mines?”

  “Yes. See that patch of trees just north of town over there? It’ll provide us with some cover as we map out an attack plan.”

  “Slow down, Bu’r. I don’t like the aggressive undertones,” snapped Ja’a. “Our goal is to free this village of Northern guards and recruit. We will focus on efficiency and safety—you can’t do that with vengeance driving your actions.”

  Bu’r looked dejected.

  “I understand. Freeing my village is enough reward.”

  “I would hope so.”

  “Hey Bu’r, what do ya’ call this home of yours?”

  “Shud’nut.”

  “Shud’nut’ we be focusing on getting my ship back?” Duke deadpanned.

  The rebels all glanced at the bounty hunter—obviously, not in the mood for a morning jest. Duke had had a feeling that his quip wouldn’t land but the rebels’ scowls displayed more anger than he had imagined. Even Uu’k seemed disappointed. Even Ishiro!?!

  “Sorry, that was in poor taste,” the bounty hunter acknowledged.

  “And it wasn’t funny,” added Uu’k.

>   “Not surprising coming from you, off-worlder,” snapped Po’l with a nasty bite.

  “It’s too early to fight you on this one, Po’l.”

  “Why are you in such an agreeable mood?”

  Duke didn’t respond to Po’l’s query. However, Ishiro’shea snuck up and slapped Duke in the small of the back.

  “What?”

  Ishiro’shea’s eyes asked a tricky question: Did you do what I think you did?

  Duke motioned back something resembling a No, nothing happened gesture. Ishiro’shea seemed to understand.

  “You alive, Duke?” Po’l interrupted. “Are you just going to ignore me?”

  “It’s a great day to be alive. And with you lot. We’re about to save a village—hard to beat that! Right?”

  “Right. Okay,” said Po’l in a confused tone.

  “How about over there?” interjected Ma’n. He pointed towards an open patch of soil blocked from the view of the town by some midsized trees. “This looks like the only cover before we’re in plain sight.”

  “Aren’t we a bit worried that—since this is the only cover—that the Neprian guards are probably watching it like a hawk?” asked the bounty hunter.

  “I think you give them too much credit,” said Po’l.

  “I don’t know. They did manage to take over your whole planet. How’s your face feeling, by the way?”

  “Yeah, I’d like to see how long you would last against the Orb.”

  “I’ve handled a lot worse than a rock filled with magic and mumbo jumbo.”

  “Calm down. Both of you,” Ja’a said soothingly. “We’re on the same team.”

  “Are we?” Are you sure, Ja’a?” asked Po’l.

  “You know that we are. Our motivations might differ from Duke’s—but our goal is the same. We need you both to defeat Orbius.”

  Ishiro’shea hopped down into a crouch and slid in front of everyone—he pointed toward the outside wall of Shud’nut.

  “Down,” Duke shouted at the group. “I see them too, Ishiro. Only three. No wait, four.”