How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  The ninja confirmed the latter count and stared back at Duke inquisitively.

  “Yep, I agree.”

  “You agree with what?” asked Po’l in a slightly annoyed tone.

  “I agree with Ishiro. He’s not a ‘what’; haven’t you learned your lesson about insulting my friend?”

  “Duke,” Ja’a interjected, “what does Ishiro’shea have in mind? Do you have a plan?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Sort of?”

  “Yeah, sort of. We see four guards—and we’re going to dispose of them.”

  “Yes, but how? What’s the plan?” pleaded Ja’a.

  “That is the plan.”

  “Ja’a, I told you these two weren’t going to help. I have an idea.”

  “Okay, Po’l,” said Ja’a. “Gather round, everyone. What are you thinking?”

  “First, if we can distract the guards long enough for Ty’n and Bu’r to flank them—that will set us up for minimal casualties. Ma’n and Te’o can provide—” Po’l stopped mid-thought. “Where are y’all going?”

  Duke and Ishiro’shea were already out from their camouflaged hiding spot and in the open field that led right to the perimeter walls of Shud’nut. In a few hundred yards, they would be easily spotted by the guards.

  “You know, Ishiro. What if there are more inside the walls?”

  The ninja hesitated momentarily—then continued toward the village.

  “Yeah, best not think about it, right? We got this. Yeah, most likely, we got this.”

  Duke drew his laser revolver. Ishiro’shea unsheathed his katana.

  “So, you think they’ll just let us in?”

  Ishiro did not blink.

  “Probably not.”

  They continued their brisk saunter towards Shud’nut.

  “Duke! What are you doing? You’re going to get killed!”

  The two men ignored the shouts from behind them; Duke wanted to reply with a snarky comment about Po’l being happy about that potential outcome but he decided against it. Best be remembered as a brave, albeit stupid, hero than a smart-ass if this thing goes sideways.

  “Well, they seemed concerned for us but they don’t seem to want to join us, huh? Better this way. They would just get in the way.”

  The bounty hunters were within an arrow’s shot from the wall when they were finally noticed by one of the Neprian priests.

  “Halt, strangers. Who are you?”

  “We’re here to clean your jacuzzi,” Duke fired back.

  “I’m not certain I understand your request,” shouted the confused Neprian.

  “Ja-cuz-zi,” Duke yelled back, enunciating each syllable.

  “Hey, have you ever heard of a jack-yoozi?” the priest screamed back to his colleague.

  “A what?” the other one began, a jo-kawzi? What’s that? Hey, is this some kinda Southern trick? Who are those guys?”

  “We aren’t Southern Neprian trash, if that’s what you’re asking each other,” Duke called up. He imagined how offended Po’l would be at that comment. He smiled.

  “You don’t look like a piece of Southern Neprian trash, that’s true.”

  “Why thank you, kind sir.”

  The priest was still confused. He motioned for his fellow priest to come over and discuss their predicament in more detail. They deliberated, out of Duke’s earshot, for a few minutes.

  “What are y’all talking about up there?” asked Duke. “That jacuzzi won’t clean itself.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m not certain what you mean by jow-cooli, stranger,” shouted back the priest.

  “Let us in and I’ll show you.”

  “I think not,” returned the second priest.

  “But Orbius sent us.”

  The priests paused.

  “You know—Orbius. Orby. The head honcho. Boss man. The Dude of Dudes.”

  “We know who Orbius is. We need to discuss further.”

  A third priest joined the brainstorming session.

  “Hey there, friend,” Duke shouted to the newcomer. He didn’t receive a response. “Also, not only did Orbius send us to clean your hot tub but he also told us a super important, highly confidential secret that we must relay to you. It’s about the defense of this village. We’ve received updates from General Gar about the positions of the Southern rebels.”

  All three priests looked even more confused.

  “We will need to consult with one more of our colleagues. He is a direct report to the General.”

  “Great! Why don’t you invite all of the guards in the city? You can all weigh in on how you want your pool cleaned—and on how to handle this top secret intel.”

  “Strangers, we still don’t understand this term, ‘jaw-kwayze,’ and our colleague is the last of us guards here in this rotting cesspool of a village.”

  “We could ask Gander Vorv. He’s on mine duty.”

  “Oh yeah, Gander is pretty well-versed in protocol,” the other agreed.

  Duke and Ishiro’shea exchanged glances and smiled.

  The fourth priest was slightly larger than the other three and appeared agitated by this impromptu debate.

  “What do you want? What’s worth waking me up for? It’s bad enough they moved me to this dirty outpost babysitting slaves and away from killing Neprian rebels.”

  “Sir, we wanted your opinion on a situation.”

  “What situation?”

  “Do you know what a ‘ja-zuki’ is?”

  “What? No. Is this some game that you lot made up? I’m not interested.”

  “I said that you wouldn’t know,” said the first priest.

  “Maybe I do? Say it again.”

  “Jow-cootie.”

  “Use it in a sentence.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  The fourth priest grew even more annoyed.

  “It’s just these strangers down there said Orbius sent them to clean ours,” the first priest said, and pointed to Ishiro’shea and Duke.

  “Hi.” Duke smirked and gave a sly wink.

  “You morons,” exclaimed the bulky priest. “These are the off-worlders that I mentioned.”

  “Oh.”

  Four pulses beamed in rapid succession. All four Neprian priests collapsed. Dead.

  “Well, they made it easy for us, huh? It was nice of them to let us know that there weren’t any more inside—and then huddle up all nice and close.”

  Duke placed the revolver back in his holster and took out Betsy.

  “And now about this door.”

  He aimed at the wooden door that stood between them and the innards of the city of Shud’nut.

  “I hope no one is standing behind it.”

  Betsy screamed and let off a thunderous emission. The door was obliterated instantaneously. It did not appear to have hurt anyone—in fact, Duke couldn’t see a single villager through the gaping hole that now served as their entryway.

  “Hey, hold there!”

  Duke turned and faced the mines. A Neprian priest was running towards him. He had a whip and was flailing and popping it with ruthless animosity as he charged the bounty hunters.

  “Ishiro, this is all you.”

  The ninja nimbly accelerated towards the oncoming priest with his katana drawn. Poor Gander Vorv.

  The priest hurled the whip in the ninja’s direction, but Ishiro’shea leapt into the air and avoided its impact. He landed soundlessly and, with a simple slash, struck down the slave master. It was quick, silent, and clean. It was ninja.

  Chapter 23

  A Skilled Politician

  BETWEEN BETSY’S EXPLOSIVE GREETING AND the shattering of a giant wooden door, the villagers of Shud’nut started to appear, presumably in order to see what was going on. Many made their way out from the mines. Others scurried deep within in the village, emerging from dimly-lit storefronts and huts.

  “What did you do, Duke?” Ja’a asked as she and the other rebels rushed up from behind.

  “We freed the village. Y
ou’re officially welcome.” Duke removed his hat and bowed.

  “We didn’t say ‘thank you,’” Po’l reminded him.

  “Oh yeah. Well, you can say it now. No more priests. Everyone is free. And no one got hurt.”

  “Thank you!” shouted Bu’r. “Ja’a, this is great! Shud’nut is free!”

  “Excellent, Bu’r. We need to direct the villagers to the town square and start inquiring about potential recruits.”

  “Of course,” responded Bu’r. “Let’s go—they’re going to be so happy!”

  Bu’r, Ty’n, Ma’n, and Te’o rushed off in four different directions to direct the villagers to the center of the town.

  “So—” Duke began.

  “Yes?” said Ja’a.

  “Do I get a big thank you?”

  “You were reckless. And dangerous.”

  “And successful.”

  “I suppose,” Ja’a muttered as she walked towards a gathering of confused villagers.

  “No appreciation from this lot, Ishiro. No appreciation whatsoever.”

  The two off-worlders migrated to what they thought was the town square, where the inhabitants of Shud’nut had begun to gather around a raised platform, presumably designed for such keynote addresses. Roughly three hundred Southern Neprians filled the clearing with little room to spare. They all appeared to be in a state of shock and bewilderment. Most took a keen interest in the two odd-looking guests that had disposed of five guards and a door without as much as breaking a sweat.

  Ja’a ascended to the top of the platform; her feet stood eye level to an adult Neprian.

  “Fellow Neprians,” she began, “please be calm. I am Ja’a, daughter of He’j.”

  At this, the crowd immediately ceased all conversation. A hush fell over the audience.

  “Thank you. People of Shud’nut, as you know we have been enslaved by an evil in the North—an evil known as Orbius. We continue to fight against him and his followers—and we will defeat him.”

  Duke was bracing himself for an uncontrollable roar of support, but the villagers said nothing. Very odd.

  “Thanks to our new friends from a land far from Neprius,” Ja’a continued, “you are no longer condemned to this tyrannical slavery. People of Shud’nut—you are free!”

  Nothing. Very odd, indeed.

  “Who are these strangers?” shouted a villager. “Maybe they want to enslave us too.” The other villagers seemed to agree with this notion.

  “These strangers just saved you from your captors. Isn’t that enough to make you trust them?”

  “Yes, so they could enslave us for themselves!” erupted another villager.

  “Friends! They have saved the lives of our company already on this journey—would they do that if they only wanted to enslave you? They are the allies that we so desperately need in the fight against Orbius!”

  “What’s in it for them?” shouted another townsman.

  “Tough crowd, Ishiro,” Duke said to Ishiro’shea as the rumbling sounds of dissent seemed to escalate amongst the villagers.

  Ja’a attempted to salvage the discussion. “Our friends have a mutual benefit in the destruction of Orbius. It is their only way to get home. So, please, I’m asking you to join us in our fight. For our people!”

  “Why? So we can die with you?”

  “You will certainly die as slaves under Orbius. Be part of the solution and free our people!”

  Many in the crowd erupted into laughter. Ja’a was visibly shaken by the response.

  “You are going to defeat Orbius? You and these castaways—and a kid?” exclaimed an older male Neprian that stood directly under Ja’a. “You have a kid fighting with you, for the sake of Neprius! The only thing that you bring us is pain.”

  “Orbius is going to punish us for sure, now,” another villager shouted. The crowd seemed to agree.

  “Your father couldn’t defeat Orbius,” the older man continued, “so what makes you think his naive daughter can? This is hopeless. Your interference will cause us greater pain and suffering.”

  Bu’r climbed to the platform to accompany Ja’a.

  “Everyone, I am a son of Shud’nut. Ja’a speaks the truth. We can defeat Orbius.”

  “A son of Shud’nut brings this calamity upon us. A sad day for us all,” the old man said.

  “What are we to do, Ye'f?” a villager asked the old man.

  “We must ask for forgiveness from Orbius so that we can return to how life was before this intrusion.”

  “And live as slaves?”

  “Better slaves with breath in our lungs than free and rotting in the ground,” Ye’f replied.

  Duke, still at the outskirts of the town square, found a stone wall and stood upon it. He was not as elevated as Ja’a and Bu’r, but he was high enough to be seen by the entire gathering. He grabbed his revolver and fired it in the air. Silence descended upon the group.

  “Hi there. My name is Duke LaGrange. Trailblazer. Adventurer. Poet. A true man of the universe. And I’m here to free you. And I’m here to kill that nasty bastard, Orbius. Don’t believe me? Watch this.”

  Duke rattled off another round of energy pulses that removed parts of the wall with ease.

  “Y’all should be thanking Ja’a and her crew.”

  “Off-worlder, we don’t need to hear from you. You helped bring this upon us. There is only one clear thing for us to do.” Ye’f turned to face the crowd, as any skilled politician would, and proclaimed, “We must appease Orbius by capturing these rebels and turning them over to him. Maybe he will be lenient in his punishment and, eventually, let us get back to mining with only the lash of a whip to worry about.”

  There was a short pause. Then the village cheered in unison.

  “No, please don’t listen. We are giving you freedom,” pleaded Bu’r from atop the pulpit. Ja’a looked as if she had been hit in the midsection with a blunt ax.

  The crowd closed in on the platform. Duke aimed his revolver at the mass of villagers.

  “No, Duke! Stop!” shouted Ja’a. “Don’t kill them; they don’t know any better. We can’t turn on our own people!”

  “It appears that it might be you or them.”

  “Please don’t,” Bu’r pleaded.

  Ishiro’shea hopped up onto the stone wall next to Duke and tapped him on the shoulder. He pointed to the apex of the pole that supported the platform—which was much higher than the actual platform itself.

  “Good plan, little buddy!”

  “Ja’a! Get everyone on the platform and be ready to make a break for it!”

  Duke wasn’t sure if the Neprian rebels understood. He fired off a pulse from his revolver—and another.

  “Stop!” screamed Ja’a involuntarily.

  She looked around and saw not a dead villager, but the large vertical beam behind the platform beginning to shake and sway—and then fall directly into the mosh pit of angry villagers. The townsfolk scattered to avoid being mashed into Neprian goop. The seven rebels, now understanding Duke’s intentions, sprang on top of the fallen pole and sprinted to the now-permanently-open doorway out from the town. Duke and Ishiro followed, with weapons drawn. As they cleared the threshold, Duke fired a few more rounds at the top of the entryway. Stone and wood fragments fell, making a temporary seal that kept the mob inside the walls.

  “That was close,” exclaimed Po’l, collapsing to the ground. It was obvious that he was far from one hundred percent.

  “Listen,” Duke said.

  “I don’t hear anything,” replied Ty’n.

  “That’s the problem. Why aren’t they following us? I mean, that debris blocking the door won’t hold them too long—do they give up that easy?”

  Ishiro’shea pushed aside Po’l and Ma’n and darted back toward the village. He disappeared within the dust cloud made by the impact of the door fragments on the soil.

  “Ishiro? What are you doing?” Duke shouted.

  “Duke. Oh no,” Ja’a moaned.

  They
all looked at each other.

  “Where’s Uu’k?” Duke asked, without wanting to hear the answer. “Ishiro!”

  Duke and Po’l rushed to follow Ishiro’shea.

  “Stay back,” Po’l demanded. Ja’a and the rebels didn’t argue.

  “Okay, you ready? This could get messy.” Duke said to Po’l as they reached the pile of fallen stone and wood.

  He noticed that Po’l had not recovered completely. “Need help?” Before Po’l could respond, Duke extended a hand. They locked hands and Duke helped the rebel warrior scale the mound.

  As they both touched the ground on the inside of the wall, Ishiro’shea appeared with sword drawn and Uu’k on his shoulder.

  “Is she okay?” asked Duke.

  Ishiro’shea merely winked. With surprising ease, he glided over the rubble with Uu’k.

  Po’l and Duke surveyed what was in front of them. They looked at each other. Duke placed his hand on Po’l’s shoulder.

  “Best we keep this to ourselves.”

  “For once, I agree.”

  “Let’s get out of here before they see us.”

  The two left the entrance to Shud’nut and joined their band—now complete again.

  “What happened in there?” asked Bu’r.

  “Uu’k is safe,” Duke replied.

  “Did he kill my people?” Bu’r asked in an agitated tone. “Did he?”

  Duke was silent as he tried to think of the proper words.

  “Uu’k is safe. That’s all that matters. Ishiro’shea did what all of us would’ve done—and he did not go in with violence on his mind.”

  “But—” started Bu’r.

  “That’s enough, Bu’r. Let us move on,” Po’l said, ending the conversation.

  Duke nodded at Po'l. Po’l did not return a reply.

  Ja’a approached both men. “Thank you both. And especially you, Ishiro.”

  Ishiro bowed.

  Duke began, “Are you sure this cause of yours is worth it? We just had an entire village try to kill us because they would rather be slaves of Orbius than join your rebellion. That’s typically not a good sign.”

  “I don’t know what happened in there, Duke. Truly I don’t.”

  “All you care about is getting your ship back anyways, LaGrange.”

  Ah, there’s the Po’l that I know and love.