How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “Yes, I’m doing this to get my ship and get off this horrible rock—but are you certain that you are on the right side? They seemed pretty content working the mines for Orbius. Maybe he’s a steady employer? I’m just a little worried.”

  “I promise, Orbius is the tyrant that we claim him to be. I’m as shocked by the response of the Shud’nut villagers as you.”

  “My people. My neighbors. I don’t know what happened.” Bu’r sat looking into his open palms, his face wet. “I don’t why they responded like that. We aren’t a big village but we are a proud village.” The broad-shouldered rebel paused. “We were a proud village. I’m sorry that I made you all risk everything for that.”

  He looked at Uu’k. Ishiro’shea was still holding her upright; her face was pale and her eyes frozen.

  “Most of all to you, Uu’k. I’m sorry,” Bu’r sobbed.

  The child spy did not return as much as a blink.

  “Maybe we can clear things up with our leaders once we get to the coast,” offered Ja’a.

  “I guess.”

  Duke was not as optimistic as Ja’a.

  Chapter 24

  Uncle Lo’n

  “THIS IS IT?”

  “This is where the senior leaders of the cause reside. Yes.”

  “It’s kind of a—” Duke cleared his throat and continued, “—let’s just say it leaves a bit to be desired.”

  “Judging by your tone, I’m assuming that’s not a complimentary term,” returned Ja’a.

  “Doesn’t seem like a place from which one would launch a planet-saving rebellion, if you ask me.”

  “I didn’t,” Ja’a replied. She picked up the pace and headed under a natural archway created by two trees—one cracked into a right angle, the other with a posture crippled by age.

  The archway led to a clearing surrounded by a grove of tropical trees and brush. It was dense, but not like the forests south of Dre’en where Duke and Ishiro’shea had first met their Neprian allies. Grass was in sparse clumps on the light tan soil which merged into grainy sand extending beyond the outer rim of trees west of the compound. Duke couldn’t see the ocean, but he could hear the waves just beyond their forest wall.

  “Can you smell it?” Po’l asked boastfully.

  “Is that a rhetorical question?” Duke smirked.

  “That’s the smell of our beloved aquatic goddess; she who has both nurtured us from the bounty of her watery bosom and has buried men in her darkest depths for them never to return,” Po’l proclaimed triumphantly.

  Duke and Ishiro’shea exchanged glances.

  “He has a way with words,” whispered the Nova Texan to his mute friend.

  “This perfume means that we are home, we are with our true friends, and we are in her tender care,” Po’l continued.

  The other rebels stood around him, overcome with pride and admiration. All except Ja’a. Duke locked eyes with her and felt that he could read her mind—and it was telling him not to say what he was about to say.

  “You know, Po’l,” Duke began. Ishiro immediately covered Uu’k’s ears. “Maybe it’s different here on Neprius, but if a woman’s parts smell like rotten fish and saltwater—maybe she needs to scrub her darkest depths a bit more.”

  For a split second, Duke was hopeful that Po’l wouldn’t quite understand his meaning. He did.

  “How dare you insult our land!”

  “Technically, I insulted your water.”

  Po’l, still a bit worse for wear, charged at Duke. The bounty hunter assumed a martial stance—but Te’o and Ma’n caught the lunging Neprian.

  “It was just a joke, Po’l. Lighten up,” said Duke.

  “A poor joke at that,” Ja’a interjected as she turned and headed towards the largest of the buildings.

  “Ja’a, wait. I didn’t mean it like that. It was just a joke.” Duke took a step towards her but Ishiro extended his arm and halted his progress.

  “Why’s Ja’a so mad?” asked Uu’k.

  “Your Uncle Duke said something really dumb,” he said softly as he knelt down to her eye level.

  “Figures,” Uu’k retorted.

  “Hey!”

  “And you aren’t my Uncle Duke.”

  Ishiro was clearly pleased by his small companion’s attitude. However, she was soon interrupted by a very angry Po’l.

  “LaGrange, I’ve had it. You may think this is a joke still and you can poke fun at me—I’m man enough to take it—but don’t insult the very place that we are fighting and dying to preserve.”

  “Lighten up, Po’l. I get it.”

  “I don’t think you do. But one day you will get it, oh, you will.”

  “Is that a threat?”

  “Greetings! Welcome, great warriors!” boomed an abrupt interruption. “Old friends, little friends—hello there, Uu’k—and these new friends that Ja’a has delivered to us.”

  Seemingly out of nowhere, an elderly gentleman appeared before them, accompanied by Ja’a. He had wide shoulders and a stocky build, much like Bu’r but without the bulbous midsection. Duke could tell that he was once a warrior. Or a bouncer. His hair, cut short, was a sparkling white and he sported a neatly trimmed beard. The man’s skin was of a darker hue than any of the other Neprians—it had the look of worn leather.

  “There is no need to fight amongst ourselves when there are so many out there that deserve to feel the wrath of our fists and the sting of our arrows,” he bellowed. His voice was that of a leader that commanded respect. It was clear that Po’l was trying to mimic his swagger. And without much luck, thought Duke.

  “This is the leader of our cause and a great hero, General Mo’a,” proclaimed Ja'a. "He heads our council.”

  Mo’a nodded slightly. “Just Mo’a, please. A council leader without a council is no leader.”

  The entire group remained silent as they absorbed Mo’a’s comment.

  He continued, “Sure, there are council members scattered about—but what do we council? We have no government to oversee. No positions to appoint. We plan raids and sneak attacks against Orbius; that’s it. I feel that the only title that I'm worth of is ‘old man that can't accomplish anything.’”

  “Pleasure, regardless.” Duke tipped his cap. Ishiro’shea bowed in respect.

  “Ja’a, tell me about your friends here,” Mo'a requested, regaining his jovial tone.

  “Po’l, obviously. And I believe you’ve met Ma’n and Te’o—they served my father.”

  “Oh yes. It is good to see you again, old friends.”

  “Yes, great Mo’a,” Po’l replied humbly.

  “Stop groveling,” said Mo’a. “I’m not anyone’s king. I’m just the old man that’s trying to keep our operation afloat. Nothing more, nothing less. We all have our roles to play and our input to provide. Right, Uu’k?”

  Uu’k smiled.

  Ja’a continued, “Let me introduce Bu’r of Shud’nut and Ty’n of the Southern Forests.”

  “Greetings, my good men. Your service is beyond appreciated.”

  Both men nodded at the Neprian leader.

  “And who are these two curious-looking souls standing next to Uu’k?” Mo’a asked.

  “These are the off-worlders, Duke LaGrange of Nova Texas and Ishiro’shea of Earth.”

  “Hey.”

  The entire crew of rebels cast piercing stares at Duke—or rather, hurled, like an octopus practicing dagger throwing.

  “What?” Duke asked, knowing full well that his informal greeting had not been well-received.

  But Mo’a only returned a great laugh.

  “Duke—oh, it’s nice to have someone that’s not so stuffy around me!”

  The Nova Texan winked at Ja’a. She returned a slight grin.

  “My beautiful Ja’a, you know that I have viewed you as one of my own; your father was a brother to me. I miss him every single day—but not as much as our cause does. I fear I lack his leadership—rather, I know I lack his leadership.”

  “Mo’a
—” interjected Ja’a.

  “Hush, girl. I know my shortcomings. I also know that he would be very proud of you.”

  Ja’a blushed. It was the first time Duke had seen her so vulnerable.

  “And he would be proud of you, great Mo’a. He often spoke of your fighting prowess.”

  Mo’a laughed. “Something I haven’t had in many cycles. And it takes more than swords and arrows to defeat an evil like Orbius.”

  “He also spoke to me—many times, in fact—about your spirit and conviction. And if I believe in something as strongly and passionately as his friend Mo’a, I would live a richly fulfilled life.”

  It was Mo’a’s turn to blush. His eyes glazed over and he stared at nothing in particular. He must be caught in a good—no, a great—memory, thought Duke.

  Mo’a jolted from his momentary trance. “That is very kind, Ja’a. Very kind. You’ve made an old man very happy.”

  Ja’a bowed her head gently.

  “But, sweet daughter of He’j, I have someone else that you might remember even more fondly than my ancient bones.”

  He pointed to the entrance that led into the base. Leaning up against the frame was an older Neprian male—not as old as Mo’a, but definitely old enough to be Ja’a’s father. He was extraordinarily fit for his age; he appeared to be sculpted from hardened mud. His ink-colored mustache curved downward and extended well beyond his chin. Atop his shaven head was a neatly groomed row of thick black hair that stretched from the midpoint of his cranium to the start of his neck, transitioning into a braided mane which fell to the middle of his back. He stepped out of the shadow of the doorway and approached the group.

  A smile flashed over Ja’a’s face with such power that her cheeks almost exploded. She dropped her bow and sprinted towards the mysterious Neprian. She leapt into his arms and he swung her around with great enthusiasm. His smiled mirrored that of Ja’a’s.

  Duke looked at Po’l. Surely he had to be upset at this. But Po’l also sported a grin.

  “Hey, who is this character?” Duke bent down to ask Uu’k.

  “That’s Lo’n,” she whispered back.

  “Boyfriend? Grandpa? Massage therapist? Who is he?”

  Uu’k looked at him, “that’s Lo’n.”

  Unprompted, Bu’r tapped Duke on the shoulder.

  “Duke, that’s Lo’n. Can you believe it?”

  Duke looked around and Ma’n was mouthing to him silently, clearly saying, “That’s Lo’n.”

  The bounty hunter clenched his teeth.

  Ja’a turned to everyone—her hand still around Lo’n’s waist—and proclaimed, “Everyone, this is Lo’n—”

  “I know it’s Lo’n! Everyone knows frickin’ Lo’n!”

  They all turned to face Duke. Ishiro’shea looked at the ground.

  “I mean—” Duke cleared his throat. “Nice to meet you, Lo’n. I’ve heard so much about you.”

  Duke awkwardly knelt down in an exaggerated curtsy. Mo’a laughed.

  “Is that right, off-worlder?”

  “But of course. The great and all powerful Lo’n. Your exploits are known throughout the universe. Entire races are sacrificed in your honor every cycle. The mere mention of your name can impregnate certain species. Both male and female. You are a god, my friend, a true god.”

  Lo’n’s eyes locked on to Duke’s. Silence fell upon the group. Not even Mo’a chuckled.

  “Off-worlder, I like you!”

  The Neprians exhaled audibly and some broke into a light giggle.

  “Where did you find this one, Ja’a? And his masked companion?” asked Lo’n.

  “It’s a long story, Uncle Lo’n.”

  “So you were He’j’s brother?”

  “Not by blood, off-worlder. But we were very close. Ja’a was always like a niece to me.”

  “So you’re a fake uncle?”

  “I guess. You could say that,” Lo’n replied, confused.

  Duke turned to Uu’k and smirked. “See, I can be your uncle.”

  Uu’k stuck her tongue out. Ishiro’shea patted her on her head and smiled through his mask.

  “Uncle Lo’n, this is Duke LaGrange and Ishiro’shea. They came to us when their ship was swallowed by a giant star portal, as they call it, and then had a run-in with the Northern priests. They escaped and joined us.”

  “Aren’t you forgetting how you captured us and treated us like spies? And how we saved everyone? And then you drug us to some ragtag village and they turned on us? And we saved Uu’k from being kidnapped and sent to Orbius?”

  Ja’a looked cross.

  “Duke, that is very interesting,” said Mo’a. “Sounds like you already have some tales to tell.”

  “Very interesting, indeed,” Lo’n said. “How did you survive these trials?”

  “Cunning. Brute strength.”

  “He has special weapons,” Po’l interjected. “His weapons are quite powerful—in fact, Orbius likely wants them to help squash our cause.”

  “Hey Lo’n, ask Po’l what happened when he tried to operate my ‘special weapons.’”

  Po’l grumbled.

  “I take it that their power is only fully realized in the hands of an expert?” asked Lo’n.

  “Yes, you got it, Uncle Lo’n!” said Duke with a large smile. “I like this guy. Where’ve you been keeping him? We could use some enlightened thinking in this crew.”

  Po’l grumbled even louder.

  “Duke, unfortunately, the last stretch of time has not been kind to me. I’ve just now found my way back to the coast and Mo’a’s protection.”

  “Where were you?”

  “Out there taking care of Northerners, huh?” shouted Bu’r. Ty’n and Te’o echoed with their own shouts of approval.

  “A few, my proud friends,” Lo’n answered, “a few.”

  “He’s being modest,” Mo’a chimed in. “Lo’n was on the mission to Orbius’ fortress with He’j.”

  “A mission that failed,” Lo’n said in a low tone.

  “A mission that was doomed for failure; rushed and ill-planned from the onset,” Mo’a retorted.

  “Maybe so, Mo’a, but He’j was lost to us. It’s our greatest loss since we started battling Orbius and his minions.”

  “You were with my father?”

  “Yes, Ja’a. A very small group of us joined him. We felt it was the only way to penetrate his base and take him out. Even if we mustered a massive army, which you know would be impossible, it would be dwarfed by Gar and his priest warriors. Not to mention the numbers we would lose on the march north.”

  “Our next attempt will have to be of a similar approach,” said Mo’a.

  “But this time, we will have their weapons, right?” inquired Ty’n.

  “It seems that our new friends have been a great help to us,” Mo’a continued, “but what we ask is more than simply fighting off low-level priests. This is not their fight. It is our cause. I don’t feel comfortable about potentially leading these two visitors to their deaths.”

  “Mo’a, I understand your concerns, but these visitors bring us an advantage that we have so desperately been missing. I think they should join us.”

  “Hey guys, over here. Stop acting like we aren’t standing right next to you.”

  “Apologies, Duke,” said Lo’n.

  “We make our own decisions. Not to be an ass, but you can’t make us do anything.”

  “Understood,” began Mo’a, “and to echo what Lo’n said—apologies.”

  “Just because you have those weapons,” Po’l growled. “You wouldn’t be so tough if—”

  “Enough, Po’l,” demanded Mo’a.

  “What about your ship?” chimed Ty’n. “Surely it will be an easier journey with us.”

  “Holy hedgehogs, can you all just shut up? You’re arguing over nothing. Mo’a—appreciate that you’re lookin’ out for us, but Ishiro and I are planning to come along. Not because of your cause or how cool ‘Uncle Lo’n’ is—solely because we n
eed to get to the Deus to get off this damn planet.”

  “This makes me very happy,” Lo’n announced. “We will drink the finest Neprian wine that the coast has to offer in celebration of our newest ally and the impending trek northward.”

  “Hear, hear,” responded Mo’a.

  Ishiro’shea looked at Duke and extended a thumb.

  “Finest Neprian wine? You keep getting better and better, ol’ Lo’n-y boy,” started Duke. “Maybe over a few glasses, you can share with us any weaknesses that you noticed.”

  “And what else we might encounter,” added Ja’a.

  “Ah, yes. Both excellent questions. I can tell you are both great leaders. And an unbeatable team.”

  Po’l groaned. Mo’a slapped him on the back.

  Chapter 25

  Neprian Wine

  “WHAT IS THIS STUFF—” DUKE began, “and why did you wait until now to share?”

  “I’m glad you like it, Duke,” responded Lo’n.

  “Easily the best thing we’ve come across on this rock. There isn’t even a close second.”

  “You surely can’t mean that,” replied Lo’n. “What about our lovely Ja’a? Surely, this wine falls short when compared to her beauty.”

  “Shut up, Uncle Lo’n,” said Duke, blushing.

  “I agree, shut up,” Po’l blurted out in an aggressive tone.

  Never mind. If it’s making Po’l uncomfortable, sign me up.

  “I stand—err, sit—corrected, oh wise Lo’n. I’ve never seen anything as beautiful as Ja’a in the whole of the universe,” Duke began rather theatrically. He stood and struck a pose of an actor preparing to deliver the climactic speech of a staged drama. “I’ve traversed the cosmos and nothing—from the twinkling crystals when the light of the twin moons shine against the caves of Oscavia to the seemingly never-ending skies over Nova Texas, which are the bluest of blues that your baby blues could ever see—would even come close to the radiance of this beloved daughter of Neprius.”

  “Now you shut up,” said Ja’a.

  “I cannot be silenced! As I look up into the celestial cloak that descends upon us this evening—with only the flickering flames bestowing luminescence upon our merry crew—I can’t help but think, why are we so lucky? Why are we so fortunate to have stood in the presence of a beauty that would start wars and topple kingdoms—and the millions of worlds floating above our heads will never be so blessed.”