How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  Duke bowed.

  After a momentary pause, Lo’n stood up and applauded. Mo’a let loose a laugh that shook the ground. Bu’r and Ty’n whooped and cackled. Ma’n and Te’o applauded. Ishiro’shea rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. Uu’k was already asleep, curled in a ball beside the ninja.

  “Seriously, shut up,” repeated Ja’a. She took a long sip of her Neprian wine.

  “This is ridiculous,” Po’l huffed.

  “Oh, Po’l, lighten up,” said Mo’a.

  “No offense, General—”

  “I’m not a general anymore.”

  “Whatever. No offense, Mo’a, but we are on the verge of risking our lives. No, that’s not true—we are on the verge of most likely dying for this cause, and we are sitting around getting drunk and listening to this off-worlder spew nonsense.”

  “Calm down, Po’l. We’re just having fun,” said Lo’n. “It’s good to laugh. There’s more to life than war and heartache. In fact, if life was solely pain then why are we fighting to restore it?”

  “Hear, hear,” said Duke, offering a toast.

  “What are you toasting, off-worlder? You have no business here. This planet doesn’t need you. This cause doesn’t need you or your weapons. I don’t need you. Ja’a doesn’t need you.”

  Duke made a mocking pout towards Ja’a.

  “I know that you saved us in the cave with your little weapon—”

  “My weapon happens to be quite large.”

  Ishiro’shea slapped Duke on the leg. Po’l ignored the bounty hunter’s interruption.

  “—and you saved Uu’k from the villagers but we don’t need you anymore. You are nothing but a self-centered, egotistical pain in the ass. You are more likely to get us killed. It gets a lot more dangerous than peasants and priest soldiers.”

  “First off, Ishiro saved Uu’k,” Duke said under his breath.

  “What if we defeat Orbius with these weapons? With their help.”

  “What do you mean, Po’l?” asked Ja’a.

  “Do you think that someone that loves himself so much will just walk away without our entire race having to kiss his feet? He will become a tyrant more dangerous than even Orbius.”

  “Po’l, that’s enough!” screamed Ja’a.

  “I agree, Ja’a. This is not the attitude and composure of a future leader of Neprius,” added Mo’a.

  “Neprius has no future if we need his kind to save it. We are defeating a villain with an even greater threat.”

  Silence fell upon the group.

  Duke stiffened his stance, which no longer bore any resemblance to an actor’s. He gently placed his wine on the sand as his smile dissipated.

  “Po’l, I was just kidding around about Ja’a—well, I mean she is beautiful, but—”

  “See off-worlder, you aren’t capable of being serious.”

  “Look, I get it. I’m not part of your cause and, quite frankly, I don’t want to be part of your cause. However, circumstances have made it apparent that my cause and your cause are symbiotically linked. I’m not saying you have to like me—in fact, it’s been obvious that you don’t, ever since you were convinced I was a spy and you almost killed yourself trying to work Ol’ Betsy. Guess what? I don’t care for you either. You’re reckless. All of that’s okay with me. But I do need my ship back. And if me getting my ship back helps Ja’a and Uu’k and the guys over there have a better life, that’s just gravy. But we stand a helluva lot better chance working together.”

  “It’s obvious that Ja’a and Duke are working together,” Lo’n added. “So are you saying that she has poor judgement?”

  “No. Well, yes. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m sorry all, but I can’t continue. Not with him.”

  “Po’l! You can’t leave. We need you,” cried Ja’a. “Why are you behaving this way?”

  “This cause is my life. I will defeat Orbius alone.”

  Po’l threw his full glass of Neprian wine towards the sea. The rebel stormed into the central building of the compound, muttering under his breath.

  “Well, that happened,” said the bounty hunter.

  “Duke, I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into him,” said Mo’a.

  “I do, but that’s for another day.”

  “What?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Ja’a interjected. “We are all tired and have been through many perils already—and we haven’t even started the final journey. And the wine might be getting the best of us.”

  “Yeah, he didn’t even have any—”

  “Duke,” Ja’a continued sternly, “the wine is probably getting the best of us. Right, Duke?”

  “Fine.”

  “I’m going to go talk to him.”

  “I’ll go with you, Ja’a,” Mo’a said. “He is my nephew, after all.”

  “No, Mo’a. I think it would be best if I handled this alone.”

  Ja’a followed Po’l’s path into the compound.

  “So wait,” Duke began, “we actually have a real ‘uncle’ here?”

  Mo’a, his head hanging, sauntered away from the gathering.

  “It’s hard to see your kin behave in such a manner,” said Lo'n. “Can’t help but feel like you have something to do with it.”

  “He doesn’t,” retorted the Nova Texan.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “It has nothing to do with Mo’a—it’s Ja’a.”

  “I’m not following you, Duke.”

  “Po’l has the hots for her.”

  Lo’n’s face was overrun by an empty stare.

  “It means that he’s got feelings for her. You know, googly eyes, sweaty palms, heart beating fast. He loves her.”

  “Oh, that is interesting.”

  “Yeah, and I think that’s why he hates me.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  “Ja’a and I have, you know, gotten along real well and all. He probably feels threatened. I mean, before me, she was surrounded by some real B-teamers.” Duke swiveled on the spot to make sure Ma’n, Te’o, Ty’n, or Bu’r weren’t looking. “They’re good guys and all, but Po’l was the only alpha in the lot, so he never feared them stealing his woman.”

  “This makes more sense. You might have been the straw that broke the greattu’s back. I wasn’t aware of this situation and with all of the other pressure that he’s under—what transpired doesn’t shock me.”

  “Other pressure?”

  “See, Duke, Po’l is Mo’a’s nephew—”

  “Yep, got that.”

  “—and is in line, or rather expected, to be the next great warrior-general of the Southern tribes. It has not gone according to plan thus far. He’s not even the leader of this band of rebel guerrillas.”

  “That accounts for his awkwardly dramatic speech when we arrived here. I think its aim was to be inspiring.”

  “Probably so. Mo’a is a great orator—and has given speeches to troops and townsfolk alike that roused their spirits to the point that they would do anything for him.”

  “And now the woman he loves is preventing him from achieving his destiny. That’s not that uncommon, if you think about it. Women be ruining everything, right?”

  Duke playfully punched Lo’n in the shoulder. The meaning of the gesture seemed to be lost on the veteran Neprian warrior.

  “Po’l is reminded every day that he will likely never be the great leader that he was groomed to be by seeing someone else control his squadron. And now that I realize that the person that represents his failure as a commander also represents his failure in personal happiness—I see why he acted the way he did.”

  Duke took another swig of his drink.

  “I can sympathize.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, I once had a ‘Ja’a’ back many moons ago. She also was better than me at my job. And she also got away. Now she’s simply a ghost.”

  “To lost loves and moving on,” Lo’n said, raising his glass. “Now let’s rejoin the group before they drink all the
wine.”

  “Cheers to that.”

  The duo made their way back to the torchlit semicircle. Mo’a seemed to be leading the storytelling.

  “Duke, my friend, they were just telling me about your adventures thus far. And the magic that those weapons of yours possess. They say that Betty is quite the eradicator of priest warriors.”

  “Betsy.”

  “Oh, yes, Betsy. Can we see this Betsy in action?”

  “And the little one,” added Ty’n.

  “Sure, why not?”

  “Ishiro, toss a rock up in the air—and I’ll blast it.”

  The ninja shook his head and pointed down at the sleeping Neprian on his lap.

  “Oh, sorry. Anyone? Pick up a stone and throw it as far as you can towards the sea.”

  “This sounds like fun!” boomed Mo’a.

  “I’ll take a stab at it,” said Lo’n.

  He reached down and grabbed a rock roughly the size of his hand. He reared back and chucked the object towards the seashore. As it began its descent back to the soil, Duke relieved his laser revolver from his holster and fired a single shot in the direction of the stone. Direct hit!

  “Impressive. What if I did this, however?”

  Lo’n grabbed three rocks in one hand and quickly tossed them away from the camp. They sailed in different directions and at different trajectories. Duke, with his gun already in his hand, rallied off three pulses in rapid succession. The courses of all three stones were altered—all direct hits.

  “Duke, I see why everyone thinks that you can turn the tide for us,” belted Mo’a. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  “Indeed,” confirmed Lo’n. “Now what about this Betsy you speak of?”

  “Wait until you see this!” shouted Bu’r.

  Duke removed Betsy from his back and presented her as if she were a prized jewel from the royal family of Oscavia.

  “See that gathering of trees over there?” asked Duke to Mo’a and Lo’n.

  “Yes.”

  “See how dense it is—almost like a wooden wall separating this area from the water? Be prepared to be amazed and awed by Betsy’s singing voice.”

  He aimed the Sonic Widowmaker shotgun at a dense area of foliage where five or six large trunks appeared to intertwine into a single tree.

  “Sing for us, ol’ girl,” Duke whispered as he pulled the trigger.

  The bellow of the firearm knocked Mo’a to his knees. Lo’n seemed shaken by a bad case of secondhand recoil. Both gazed in wonderment at what remained of the trees.

  “Duke, I don’t know what to say.”

  “I do!”

  Ja’a sprinted toward them.

  Not good, thought Duke.

  “Are you kidding me? This is a hidden base. Keyword—hidden. If Orbius or Gar or one of their henchmen find this place, our cause is over with, done. Duke, I’m not surprised—”

  “They made me do it—” interjected the bounty hunter.

  “—But Mo’a? Lo’n? Guys? I’m sure someone heard that... that... sound—someone that’s not supposed to hear it. And, on top of that, you woke up Uu’k.”

  Even Ishiro’shea seemed to side with the enraged rebel.

  “The noise reminds me of when,” Lo’n started, as if he were in a trance, ignoring Ja’a completely, “a—err—I can’t put a finger on it. It’s impressive, I must say.”

  “You’re probably thinking about a penguin in a blender—” Duke began.

  Ja’a cut the bounty hunter off. “Enough! Of course, when I heard the weapon go off, I immediately assumed that we were being attacked. Then I come out and witness this? A bunch of fools and their wine.”

  A crowd of Neprians had started to trickle out of the base.

  “Nothing to see here,” shouted Duke. “Go back in and do your rebelling. Or whatever it is that you’re doing in the base.”

  “This is why I will be joining you, after all,” came a voice from behind the irate female. It was Po’l. “Someone needs to make sure this mission doesn’t implode.”

  “And that’s you, is it? We don’t need you, Po’l. We have Lo’n. He’s survived Orbius’ fortress once and he will again.”

  “Thank you, Duke, my friend,” began Lo’n, “but we could use everyone to help us overcome the perils of a journey to Sansagon. It is quite dangerous.”

  “Did you not see his weapon, Lo’n?” asked Bu’r. “It can’t be stopped.”

  “I wish it were so. But there are many things that pose great dangers even when you have this Betsy,” replied Lo’n. He turned his attention to Ja’a. “I’m sorry, I will take full blame for this distraction. You are right, it was foolish.”

  “Very.”

  “Yes, very foolish. Don’t blame Duke. I take full responsibility.”

  “Yes, but it was that moron that fired it,” said Po’l, pointing at Duke.

  “You changed your mind awfully quick about the mission. What was it? Worried about Lo’n and I becoming best friends and kicking total ass? Or that I might be an evil spy sent by Orbius in what would be the most elaborate and well-orchestrated double cross in history? Or is that I might be getting a bit too close to—”

  “Shut up!” shouted Ja’a. “Everyone sit down—and shut up.”

  The group, including Mo’a, followed her command. Ja’a herself sat down and grabbed someone’s wine that was sitting on the ground. She took a big swig.

  “Mo’a, I’m sorry. I feel I’m letting you and my father down. And the cause.”

  “I won’t even entertain a thought like that. Your father would be proud of you and what you’ve become—regardless of if you are the one to drive the stake through Orbius’ heart or not. That reminds me—I have something for you.” Mo’a headed back into the main building.

  Ishiro’shea patted Ja’a on the back. She appeared to find it comforting.

  “So, Lo’n, what are we to expect on this journey?” Duke asked in a focused, sober tone. Ja’a’s eyes lit up. The rest of the Neprians and Ishiro’shea leaned in and awaited the old rebel’s response.

  Lo’n took a hefty drink of his wine. “It was not an easy road. That’s for sure.”

  “So what are we talking about? More priests?”

  “Yes, we have no idea of knowing how many of Gar’s troops we will encounter. Maybe none. Maybe hundreds. My guess is that he has his eyes and ears out, awaiting our approach.”

  “How would he know?” inquired Duke.

  “He knows that you and your unique armaments aren’t in his control—so rest assured, he’s on high alert. I’m sure he has squads out in every nook of Neprius.”

  “Okay, aside from an unknown number of skirmishes with those javelin-tossin’ bastards, what else?”

  “Up first…” Lo’n paused. “The land bridge.”

  The Neprians groaned collectively.

  “I’m guessing that means the land bridge isn’t a viable vacation spot,” asked Duke.

  “Remember when I told you about our warring tribes and how Peace was buried and sealed off in a temple?” said Ja’a.

  “Yes, until He’j and Togg recovered it and brought Vangu here,” replied Duke.

  “Right. The hidden temple is on the land bridge,” began Ja’a. “Some guards were sent in to watch the temple. Every decade or so, others would enter the land bridge to assume the same position. However, no one knew if they ever made it to the temple to actually guard it. There was nothing allowed out—no news whatsoever. Not until He’j and Togg led the mission to recover Peace.”

  “And?”

  “There were no guards. The temple could have been unguarded for hundreds of cycles,” she replied.

  “At least the Orb was still there.”

  “Yes, that’s because they decided to seal off the land bridge. No one in, no one out for generations—except for the guards.”

  “Sacrificial lambs, it seems,” replied Duke.

  “But I didn't mention that the bridge was sealed off rather… well, hastily
.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Duke.

  “Entire communities were living within the swamps of the land bridge.”

  “Why weren’t they evacuated?”

  “I don’t know,” replied Ja’a.

  “So, I’m guessing that these villagers just didn’t die out,” commented Duke.

  “According to He’j and Togg—,” began Ja’a.

  “They are monsters,” interrupted Lo’n.

  “Monsters?” asked Ty’n.

  “Yes. They’ve become one with the swamp. They’re wild animals—inbred to the point where they are barely recognizable as Neprians, just a grotesque mix of the two races.”

  “That sounds fun,” replied Duke.

  “And, what we learned was that they’re tired of eating the bounty of the swamp,” said Lo’n.

  “Cannibals? I hate cannibals,” Duke quipped.

  “Does anyone like cannibals?” asked Po’l in a sarcastic tone.

  “We were caught off guard. We lost some of our best men. Those that escaped the swamps alive were lucky.”

  “Any weaknesses?” asked Ja’a.

  “Vegetables?”

  Lo’n ignored Duke’s comments. “Actually, we did notice that they’re nocturnal. We never encountered them during the day. I would suggest swift travel during the day—and being as quiet as possible when the darkness descends.”

  “Not to be an ass, but why don’t we just build a boat and sail around this strip o’ death? Seems like the logical thing to do.”

  “It is logical,” responded Lo’n. He paused. “But—”

  “Here it comes.”

  “Orbius has already thought of that. He has guards along the coast in boats. And he’s sunk the few that we maintained in the South anyways.”

  “Right. That officially sucks.”

  “It’s not ideal, no. He’s forcing us to go directly through the swamp.”

  “Smart. And they can get down here much quicker with control of the sea.”

  “Yes.”

  “Damn. So with these swampfolk running the land bridge, did they take over the temple?”