Katie's Dream

by Leisha Kelly

  “Samuel, sit down,” I said. “Robert, bring me the water bucket and a cloth.”

  “I can make it to the well, Juli.” Samuel looked strange. Strong and broken all at the same time.

  “You don’t have to. Sit here in the shade. Please.” I touched his side, and he winced. “Sammy, what’s happened?”

  “Looks like somebody beat him up,” Willy said.

  I could’ve screamed at his insensitivity, for saying something like that in front of the little girls!

  Sarah was grabbing for her father’s hand. “Are you okay, Daddy? Are you okay?”

  Katie was standing beside me speechless.

  “I’m fine,” Samuel told us all and started walking past us toward the well.

  I knew he wasn’t. I knew by the way he moved that he was bruised even more than we could see. But he moved quickly to the well, took a long drink of water, and then poured a dipperful over his head.

  I thought of Edward doing that, pouring water on himself. Only he shook like a dog, and Samuel didn’t shake. He just stood there for moment, letting the wetness drip over him. How far had he walked in this heat? He sat down, and I knew he was pretty spent.

  I dunked a cloth in the water and tried to touch it to his swelling cheek, but he pushed my hand away.

  “Leave me alone a minute. I’m all right.”

  “No. Honey, you’re not. I know you don’t like to talk about it in front of the kids, but they’ve already seen. Please let me help you.”

  “Juli, it’s nothing. Have the kids eaten?” He pushed me away again.

  “Did he hit you, Dad?” Robert questioned.

  Samuel didn’t answer. He just pulled himself to his feet and started to the house.

  “Why would Uncle Edward hit you?” Robert called after him. Sarah stood looking at me, biting her lower lip. Katie slipped away to the lilac bush and hid beneath its branches. Rorey followed her halfway and then just stood there, hands on her hips.

  “Are any of you children hungry?” I asked them, feeling like lead inside.

  “Not anymore,” Robert answered. None of the others said a word.

  I told them to stay there, and I followed Samuel. He looked so tossed. And that was scaring me more than the bruises. “Sammy?”

  He ignored me as he went up the porch steps stiffly. Without a word, he pulled his shirt off and dropped it beside the washbasin on the porch. Then he poured water from the pitcher to the basin and washed his face and neck. I could see the red on his stomach, and I knew the boys were right. They’d fought. Or at least Edward had.

  “Let me help you,” I begged him.

  “I don’t need help. I just need to get over to Barrett’s. Send Willy home, all right? So he can tell them about Franky, that they’re staying.”

  “Sammy, what happened?”

  “Don’t call me Sammy. Just . . . just leave me alone.”

  Tears clouded my eyes. It didn’t sound like Samuel talking. For a moment I didn’t even know him. I didn’t know what was going on in his mind, his heart. God help us!

  He turned to me slowly; he must have seen my tears. At first he just bowed his head, looking so defeated. But then he took me in his arms.

  “Juli, I’m sorry. None of this is your fault.”

  I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  I should’ve said he didn’t need to be. I should’ve told him he couldn’t help the cruel behavior of his awful older brother. I should’ve just held him and told him how much I loved him, but he beat me to it.

  “I love you,” he whispered so softly. “With all my heart.”

  For a long time he held me tight. I was surprised to find myself not sure what to think. Sammy! Love of my life! I would give anything, do anything for you! Why am I feeling confused?

  He started to pull away, and I quickly found my tongue. “Are you sure you’re all right? Honey, let me at least put a cold cloth on your eye. I’m afraid you might have some awful color.”

  “Wonderful.” He shook his head. “Just in time for church tomorrow.”

  “Why did he hit you?”

  “Because he thinks I’m lying. Miss Vale described me, I guess, and he can’t understand why I don’t just admit everything.” He looked into my eyes and then solemnly kissed my forehead. His lips felt hot. “Thank you, Juli, for not coming right out and saying what you think.”

  My heart caught in my throat. “I don’t know what to think.”

  He nodded and turned away from me. “I know.”

  “Oh, Samuel! I didn’t mean that how it sounded. I didn’t mean—”

  “Yes, you did.”

  He walked into the house looking so heavy. I followed him in. I hurried, hoping to find some way he’d let me help. But he went in our room and shut the door.

  I remembered one night when we first came here, when we were without food, without a home. Samuel had been so depressed; it had troubled him so badly not to be able to give us more. But he let me come to him that night and tell him I knew it wasn’t his fault and that we would all be all right.

  I tried again. I opened the door and went to his side. I was going to tell him I didn’t care what anybody said, that I would stand by him no matter what.

  But before I could get the words out, he was shaking his head at me again. “You don’t have to follow me. I just had to get a shirt. And maybe I need some time.”

  He walked away, out of the room, out of the house, and into the swaying cornfield in the direction of the Posts’. With my heart feeling raw, I could only stand on the porch and watch him go.

  Why were we so far apart? I felt as if some huge canyon had been dug right between us, and I didn’t know how to bridge across. Why was he acting like this? Why did he shut me out? I couldn’t help the things that were churning inside me! Could I? What else could I do?

  At that moment I imagined Edward as an instrument of the devil, sitting somewhere laughing because he’d done so well tearing apart our peace. I couldn’t even hold my husband without wondering about him. He couldn’t even let me comfort him after an assault.

  I knew the children were watching, worrying. They couldn’t possibly understand all this. I didn’t understand it myself. But we had always weathered everything together. We would weather this too. We would come out better for it in the end. I had to believe that. And surely Samuel would too.

  I prayed for him. I prayed that he wasn’t hurt too badly. I prayed that he wouldn’t let Edward shake him from all that he’d come to know. But most of all, I prayed that he’d let me feel close to him again, that he’d give me another chance. And I cried. Because I knew that I’d failed him.

  “Mommy?” Sarah stepped up quietly and tugged on my sleeve. “Where is Daddy going?”

  I dried my eyes. “Over to Barrett and Louise’s house, honey. They need to know about Franky. Maybe they’ll have to go get him when it’s time to come home.”

  “Is Daddy mad at Uncle Edward?”

  “Maybe. And he probably has reason to be.”

  “Is he mad at us?”

  I leaned over and took our little angel in my arms. “No, honey. He’s just upset over whatever’s happened.”

  “Robert said Uncle Edward must’ve beat him up. Why would he do that?”

  “Honey, I don’t know. I guess some people have so many problems inside that they take them out on other people.”

  “But Daddy’s nice. And strong. I don’t see how anybody could hurt him or why they’d try.”

  Wickedness, I wanted to say. Your Uncle Edward is an awful, horrible man. But instead I took a deep breath. I couldn’t say such things to my daughter, no matter how I felt. “Edward is a difficult person. Because he’s sick, maybe, inside his heart.”

  “Because he doesn’t know Jesus?”

  “Yes. We need to pray for him, don’t we?”

  She nodded, but her eyes were clouded with uncertainty. “Robert said he ought to bu
st him up if he comes back.”

  “That wouldn’t solve a thing.”

  “Would it make Daddy feel better?”

  “No. It wouldn’t.”

  Rorey had come up beside us, but I wondered about Katie. She’d been so quiet. “Is Katie still by the lilacs?”

  “Yes, Mommy,” Sarah answered, but my question didn’t turn the direction of her thoughts at all. “Do you think Daddy hit Uncle Edward back?”

  I had to think about that a moment. “No. Probably not.”

  She frowned. “I don’t know if I would have.”

  I patted her head and sighed. “I would have wanted to. But your father’s stronger than we are.”

  “’Cause he could have beat him up?”

  “Because he probably didn’t.”

  She stared into the cornfield for a while. “I wanted to follow him, Mommy. But Robert said I couldn’t and he’d be back pretty soon okay.”

  “Robert’s right. Don’t worry.”

  She looked up at me. “Then why was you crying?”

  I pushed away from the porch’s column and headed down the steps. “It’s just hard.” I couldn’t say anything else. I knew I’d better find Katie, the poor child. What must she be thinking after a day like today?

  Sarah followed me across the yard. It was the boys we found first. Willy was standing under the walnut tree, looking like he was waiting for me. I told him to go, to tell Joe and the others that Franky would be all right. And to come back if they needed anything.

  “You gonna keep Emmie Grace here?” he asked.

  “Yes, we’ll keep her.”

  He turned and started for home through the timber; I wondered if I should have sent Rorey with him. But no. Without Lizbeth and George over there, Harry and Berty were more than enough to watch out for.

  Robert was pacing beside what was left of the fire. I knew he was mad, but I didn’t know what I could do about it.

  “Are you hungry?” I called to him.

  “No. I don’t wanna eat nothin’ when Franky’s in the hospital and Dad’s walkin’ around all busted up. I think Uncle Edward’s a horse’s hind end and he ought to be put back in jail where he belongs!”

  “Robert—that’s no way to talk.”

  “Well, don’t you think so?”

  For a moment I stammered, trying to answer that question the way it should be answered. “It doesn’t matter what I think. We can’t let anybody, no matter how distasteful they act, shake us from behaving the way we should.”

  “I don’t think there’d be nothin’ wrong with him gettin’ what he’s got comin’.”

  “But that’s not up to you. That’s in God’s hands.”

  “Well, why doesn’t God do something about him, then? Why’d he even get out?”

  I put my arm around my son, temporarily stopping his pacing. “I don’t believe he really meant to hurt Franky. He was just careless. About your daddy, I don’t know. That’s between them—”

  “He don’t even talk nice. I couldn’t get by with that.”

  “He wasn’t raised like you’re being raised—”

  “Dad wasn’t either, an’ he knows better.”

  How could I argue? “I know. They’re different. Thank God your father made the choices he did.”

  “We oughta pray for Uncle Edward,” Sarah said quickly.

  “I don’t feel like it.”

  “Well,” I admitted, “I don’t either. But maybe doing it anyway would help us as much as him. If we let ourselves get all bitter, Edward might not care, but we’d be miserable. Better, I think, not to let him get us down.”

  “I’m not down. I’m mad.”

  “It looks almost the same. Feels almost the same too, doesn’t it?”

  He just looked at me.

  “I’ll pray for Uncle Edward,” Sarah said. “And Franky. And Daddy.”

  “I’m gonna split some kindling,” Robert said as he marched away from us. I had never realized before that he was so much like me. But there he was, wanting something to whack at. Just like me and the rug beater.

  From the house I could hear the wail of Emmie Grace waking up, but Katie was still under the lilacs and I knew she shouldn’t be ignored.

  “Sarah, Rorey, will you please go and play with little Emmie for a few minutes? That’s probably all she needs right now—just a little company.”

  “I don’t wanna,” Rorey said immediately, but she changed her mind when she saw that Sarah was going.

  I turned toward the little girl hiding in the bushes. She must be seeking some sort of refuge away from all the crazy things around her, to keep running to the lilacs over and over. And I’d been so swept up thinking about everything else that I’d given her far too little attention. She must be feeling awfully alone.

  “Katie?”

  She was all curled up just as far into the center of that clump of bushes as she could go. She peeked out at me when I said her name, and I could see that her cheeks were wet with tears. Again. What a horrible place this must seem to her!

  I tried crawling in to her, but of course I couldn’t fit as well as she could. “You know,” I said, “when I was little, I used to hide up in a tree sometimes. I’d climb up and just stay there until they came looking for me or I got so hungry I had to come down.”

  “Why?”

  “I was lonely. Missing my mama.”

  “Like me?”

  “Kind of like you. Except that my mother died, so I knew I wouldn’t see her again in this world. You might, some day, especially if she stops traveling so much.” I didn’t know if those words would help or hurt, but they’d come out anyway. I prayed that the Lord would help me comfort this child and help her be happy, at least while she was here.

  “Is it because of me?”

  “That she travels, honey? Oh no. I think that’s what she wants to do. And right or wrong, she must think it’s more important than anything else.”

  She came crawling out a little ways. “She said she loves me.”

  “I’m sure she does.”

  “Do you love me too?”

  Her big brown eyes stared up at me, pleading. “Yes. But it’s not the same. I haven’t gotten time to really know you.”

  She came closer, enough for me to draw her onto my lap. She leaned into me, laid her head against my shoulder for just a second, and then looked up at me again. “Does Mr. Wortham love me?”

  I had to choke down the bitter gall in my throat. “I—I expect he feels the same way I do.”

  “He got hurt.”

  “Yes. But not badly, honey. He’s all right.”

  “It was because of me.”

  “No. I don’t think so. I think it was because of Edward and maybe things that happened when they were boys, before either of us ever met them. You certainly can’t blame yourself.”

  “Lots of bad stuff keeps happening . . .”

  “But it’s not your fault.”

  She reached her little hand down and started fumbling with a stick. “Maybe if I went away, it would stop.”

  “Franky’s leg would still have to heal. Edward would be just the same. You going away wouldn’t change much, Katie, except we’d wonder where you were and if you were all right.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “But I’m not yours.”

  “Rorey isn’t either. Or the baby, or the children in my Sunday school class at church. But I still care about all of you.”

  Her eyes filled with tears all over again, and I thought sure I’d said something wrong. She clung to me, sobbing. My back and my neck were getting stiff from being bent over, but I didn’t try to move.

  “Why doesn’t . . . why doesn’t Mommy care?”

  I could have argued it with her, but the truth was that I didn’t know. Maybe her mother did care. Maybe she didn’t. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing at all, only held her until Rorey came charging out of the house looking for me.

  “Emmie Grace is sti
nky!” she declared. “You gotta leave that girl an’ change my baby sister.”

  “No,” I said quietly. “You can ask politely, Rorey Jeanine. And I don’t think I have to leave Katie at all.” I looked down to find Katie looking at me. “You’d like to help, wouldn’t you?” I asked her. “Want to help me change the baby?”

  She nodded, wiped her face with the back of her fist, and slowly got up. But she took my hand in an unexpected gesture, trying to help me up off the ground.

  “Thank you,” I told her as I got to my feet. “That was very kind.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Rorey just stood and looked at us. By now, she was used to being Sarah’s only close friend and the only other little girl around, excepting the baby. She’d been fine to Katie before, but now she was giving her a scowl.

  “If that man takes you away, maybe he wouldn’t come back no more then! He’s too mean. He hurt my brother. If you just go away, maybe he won’t come back.”

  “Rorey!”

  “If they both go away, things’ll be back like they was.”

  “Rorey! That’s an awful thing to say, blaming Katie for a grown man’s actions. Edward has his own problems that have nothing to do with her.”

  “He’s a horse’s hind end,” she said, echoing Robert’s words.

  “He’s a lot of things, but that doesn’t make it Katie’s fault. I want you to tell her you’re sorry. This minute.”

  “Sorry.” Rorey stared out over the garden to where Whiskers was napping in the shade of the toolshed, then turned her eyes back to me. “Is that mean man her pa?”

  What an easy solution that would be. It would solve so much just to care for Katie as our niece. But Edward had been in the penitentiary far too long. There was no way it could be so.

  “No,” Katie answered before I got a chance. “I don’t need a pa. Just friends. Like you and Sarah and Mrs. Wortham.”

  I was surprised at the bravery of her answer. And the kindness, considering Rorey’s words.

  “We all need friends,” I agreed quickly. “Now let’s hurry up before Emmie gets to protesting that messy diaper.”

  Katie took my hand. Rorey ran on ahead. And I knew I really would think of Katie if she had to go away. She felt like family, whether it was really so or not. And seeing her bouncy curls, her sweet face, her gentle eyes, it wouldn’t take much to convince me. Samuel must have another brother, I thought. That must be what it is. Someone not raised by Samuel’s mother or his father. Someone more like Samuel than Edward could ever be.