by Jae
"I'm sorry," said a small voice from the living room.
Seeing Dawn standing in front of the couch was the most wonderful and the scariest thing Aiden had ever seen.
"I'm sorry," Dawn said again when Aiden just stared at her. "You've always been so patient with me, and here I am – pressuring you to do something you're obviously not ready for. I'm so sorry."
"I-I'm the one who needs to apologize." Cautiously, Aiden took a step toward Dawn, relieved when she didn't flinch back from her. "I know you're right. I know that I have to learn to communicate and express my feelings to you. It's just that... it's really hard for me."
Dawn didn't hesitate. "Come here." She opened her arms in invitation, offering one of her warm hugs.
Aiden hastily stepped back instead of forward. "I can't. I'm barely holding it together as it is. I can't fight this and you." Her voice was a hoarse whisper.
"You don't have to fight me. I need you to need me, too."
Something about Dawn's honest words resonated with Aiden. She crossed the room in three long steps and engulfed Dawn in a crushing hug.
Dawn's arms wrapped around her without hesitation, pulling her even closer against her body.
Aiden rested her cheek against the blond hair, closed her eyes, and exhaled shakily. "A little girl disappeared last week, probably kidnapped right out of her own backyard. They found her this morning. The medical examiner says she'd been abused and tortured for a week and then slowly strangled." Once she started talking, Aiden couldn't stop herself. "She was just five years old, Dawn. Five! She'll never celebrate Christmas again, and her parents... we can't even tell them who did this to their daughter. He didn't leave a damn trace!" The anger threatened to rise again.
"That's really awful, but it's not your fault. You did everything you could," Dawn tried to soothe her.
Aiden sighed. "Sometimes, it's just not enough."
"I know."
The simple answer and the fact that Dawn didn't try to invalidate her feelings of guilt and anger took a part of the burden from Aiden's shoulders. She stood resting against Dawn until she felt her legs stiffen and her feet get numb. When she began to pull back, Dawn quickly brushed her lips against Aiden's before she stepped back.
Only when she tasted the salt on Dawn's lips did Aiden notice that Dawn had been crying – and so had she.
Still holding Dawn to her with one arm, she stumbled to the couch and sank down onto it. Suddenly, she felt exhausted. She didn't want to talk or to think, and most of all, she didn't want to fight anymore.
"Why did you run away?" Dawn asked, squeezing Aiden's fingers to show her that she was not trying to assign blame for their fight. She was simply trying to understand.
"I was afraid." It was hard to admit, but if Dawn was willing to give her a second chance, Aiden was determined to learn how to trust and to share her feelings with Dawn.
Dawn's eyes widened. "Of me?"
"Of myself. Of the anger I felt burning inside of me," Aiden said. She had been desperately afraid that she might do or say something that would hurt Dawn. "All the other people in my life know to leave me alone when I'm feeling like this, but you... you stood up to me. I'm not used to that." Running away had always been her response to personal confrontations. She had never learned to confront people when she was angry because she had always been afraid that her rage would overwhelm her, and so she had preferred to keep her distance until she was once again in control of her emotions.
Dawn's thumb stroked across the back of Aiden's hand. "When you walked out on me in the middle of our... discussion, it made me so stark raving mad that I almost threw out the lasagna. I'm a psychologist; I want to talk it out," she said with a hint of self-irony.
"And I'm a cop; I want to avoid talking about it," Aiden answered in the same tone.
Dawn smiled at her. "I guess we have to find a compromise, then. How about this: next time something happens while you're on the job, don't try to tell me that you're too tired or not hungry. Simply tell me that something happened to upset you, but that you're not ready to talk about it just yet."
"Sounds like a deal," Aiden said with satisfaction.
"Good. Because I'm serious about wanting... needing to be there for you, too," Dawn emphasized. "If you're not willing to learn to trust me and to let me in, I can't be your... your partner. A relationship is not only about sharing the good things. Ray is your partner at work, and he watches your back while you're on the job. At home, I'm your partner, and I intend to do the same."
Aiden sighed. What Dawn said not only made sense, she also liked the sentiment of thinking of Dawn as her partner, who would watch her back as Ray did in job-related matters. But still... "I can't promise that I'll always be able to open up and talk to you."
"Can you promise to at least try?" Dawn asked.
"Yes," Aiden agreed wholeheartedly. "I can promise you that."
Dawn sank back against Aiden's shoulder. "Good."
That's it? That's all? Aiden stretched her legs out and tangled her fingers loosely into blond hair. Suddenly, she wasn't sad, angry, or brooding anymore. She felt relieved, almost giddy now. A part of her had always thought that the first time she lost her composure and showed insecurities or anger toward Dawn, their relationship would be over. But here they were – just minutes after their first fight – in each other's arms, and the respect and affection she felt for Dawn were stronger than ever. "Is our first fight officially over?" she asked with a sheepish grin.
Dawn laughed. "Definitely."
"Then, if I read my copy of the relationship rulebook right, we have to take care of the 'kiss and make up' part now," Aiden suggested with a wink.
Blond eyebrows lifted. "There's a rulebook?"
"Sure, didn't you receive a copy?"
Dawn grinned. "My secretary probably threw it out because she thought it was porn."
God, I love that sense of humor, Aiden thought. "Okay, then I'll recite the relevant passage for you: said rulebook specifically states that, after a heated discussion, both parties involved are obligated to take part in a tradition called 'kiss and make up,'" Aiden said, trying to adopt an official court clerk expression.
"Does this mysterious rulebook also state what might happen if one or both parties fail to comply with that particular rule?" Dawn asked with a smirk.
"Well, I didn't read that far, but it sounds like a really serious offense, so I imagine grave consequences."
Dawn inclined her head. "Then we better abide by the rules, huh?" She moved closer to Aiden, their hands still linked.
"Dawn, I was just joking," Aiden said quickly. "You're not obligated to do anything."
"I want to," Dawn answered. "I'm a law-abiding citizen, after all."
Aiden held her breath, never moving an inch, as Dawn drew closer. Only at the very last moment did she lower her head to meet Dawn's lips. Her eyes never left Dawn's until she saw them flutter closed at the soft contact. The kiss was as gentle as Aiden could possibly make it. She didn't try to escalate the kiss or to touch any part of Dawn's body except for the hand she still held in her own.
When they finally broke apart, Aiden was breathless, not so much from the physical exertion of the kiss – for she had kissed her dates with much more passion than this – but because of the emotions the gentle kiss had evoked in her. "Was that okay?" She lifted her head so she could see Dawn's face.
"It was nice," Dawn confirmed.
"Nice?" Aiden lifted a skeptical brow. "Just nice?"
Dawn teasingly tugged on Aiden's earlobe. "Do women usually use other vocabulary to describe your kisses?"
"Usually they're too breathless to use any vocabulary at all," Aiden playfully boasted.
Dawn smiled wistfully. "I think we should leave the breathless part for another time. I'm just not ready for –"
"I know." Aiden lifted their still entangled fingers to her lips and kissed Dawn's knuckles. "It really was a nice kiss. I'm not asking for anything more."
&
nbsp; Dawn studied her for a while, but before Aiden could ask what was on her mind, she spoke again. "So, now that we've complied with that rulebook of yours... are you hungry?"
To her own surprise Aiden found that she was. "You didn't poison the lasagna because I snapped at you on the phone, did you?" Aiden asked with a small smile.
Dawn stood and tugged her up from the couch. "Let's find out."
CHAPTER 28
"ARE YOU SURE that you want to go?" Aiden asked her for the third time.
"Seeing as we're standing in the Bennets' driveway, it's a little late for these doubts, huh?" That's not to say that I don't have them, Dawn mentally added. It was the first party hosted by strangers that Dawn was going to attend after her rape.
Aiden rounded the car to stand at her side. "You didn't want to go with Del and your mom to the New Year's Eve cruise on the Willamette?"
"With five hundred people rushing on deck at midnight, pushing against me from all sides?" Dawn shuddered. She still couldn't stand the thought of strangers touching her. "No, thank you. I'd rather ring in the New Year with you."
Aiden smiled and extended her hand. "Okay, then let's go or we'll ring it in still standing in the driveway."
Holding Aiden's hand had become an almost automatic gesture for Dawn during the last week, so she had already entangled their fingers when she noticed what they were about to do. "Is this okay?" She lifted Aiden's hand a little. "Are you... out on the job?" There was still so much they had never talked about.
Aiden stopped next to the front door. "I'm not exactly out, but I'm certainly not in the closet either. I think most of my colleagues know, but it's not something you discuss during work hours."
"And you're not going to get into trouble if you show up at your annual New Year's Eve party with a former victim... a witness in one of your cases?" Dawn worried.
"Ray told me to bring you. As for the rest of them..." Aiden shrugged. "I don't know how they'll react, but I'm not going to hide you, no matter what. I'm proud of you."
Dawn blinked away the tears that she could feel building. It felt so good to hear Aiden say that, because there were times when she was still uncertain if she could be the partner that Aiden needed.
Suddenly, the door in front of them opened. Ray Bennet leaned in the doorway and grinned down at them. "Are you going to come in, or is there something fascinating about my front door?"
"It could use a new coat of paint," Aiden answered without missing a beat.
Ray waved them in. "Tell it to Susan. You know she wears the pants in this family."
A little more relaxed now, Dawn entered after Aiden. She hung back a little when she saw all the people milling around the living room.
"Hey, guys," Aiden said. She gently wrapped one arm around Dawn and tugged her forward. "For all of you who don't know her yet, or in the unlikely case that you already forgot her... this is Dawn Kinsley."
Dawn started to feel a little overwhelmed with all the strangers. She was glad that she could rely on the social skills that were second nature to a psychologist. Smiling, Dawn exchanged greetings with Aiden's friends and colleagues.
"Hi, Aiden." A slender black woman with friendly eyes approached them and engulfed Aiden in a hug that Dawn quickly categorized as sisterly.
When they separated, Dawn found herself the object of the woman's close scrutiny. "You have to be Dawn, right? I'm Susan, Ray's wife. Welcome to the most chaotic New Year's Eve party you'll ever see."
Dawn readily shook her hand. She knew that Susan Bennet was almost something of a sister-in-law to Aiden. "Thanks for inviting me."
"Don't thank me until you've seen the piles of dirty dishes and pans that you'll have to help me with later on," Susan said with a laugh.
"Yeah," a girl who Dawn guessed to be Ray's eldest daughter, Rebecca, piped up, "no thanks necessary; hard labor will do."
"Hi, Aiden." Kade Matheson, a wineglass in one elegant hand, strolled toward them. "I'm really glad to see you – I'm reasonably sure that you'll have to arrest someone before the night is over."
Dawn noticed that Aiden smiled in welcome but didn't hug this particular colleague.
"And who might that be?" Aiden asked with a grin.
"I'm not sure yet. Either me for murder or Okada and Ruben for sexual misconduct," Kade answered.
Aiden laughed. "Ray's punch is that good, huh? What have they done now?"
"They're following me around with a piece of broccoli." Kade rolled her eyes.
A lopsided grin formed on Aiden's lips. "I didn't know that broccoli is considered to be a dangerous weapon under Oregon's penal code."
"They're not trying to assault me with it. They're trying to kiss me under it," Kade said with mock exasperation.
"I had Ray take away every piece of mistletoe in the house before the party started," Susan explained, "so they settled for the closest thing they could find – a piece of broccoli from the buffet."
At the sound of Dawn's laughter, Kade seemed to notice her presence for the first time and turned toward her. "Hello, Dr. Kinsley." If Kade was surprised to see her at their party, she was too polite to show it.
"Hello, Ms. Matheson," was all Dawn could think of to say. She liked and admired the Deputy DA, but knowing the infatuation that Aiden had had – or might still have – for her, she couldn't really relax in her presence. She had often wondered what Kade's feelings toward Aiden might be, but the attorney was much too adept at hiding her emotions to even guess.
"Do you want to have a glass of punch?" Aiden asked Dawn, nodding in the direction of a giant punchbowl.
"No, thank you," Dawn declined. "I don't want to go around chasing people with a piece of vegetable."
Aiden grinned and stepped a little closer. "Do you mind if I have a glass?"
Dawn had noticed months ago that Aiden avoided drinking alcohol in her presence since she had told her that smelling beer could trigger one of her flashbacks. "No, of course not, go ahead." She watched Aiden weave her way through the small crowd of her co-workers.
* * *
Aiden hadn't even reached the punchbowl when Ray's two youngest daughters intercepted her. "Aiden! You have to come upstairs and look at our presents," Marion demanded.
"How about you show me a little later, huh?" she gently suggested. "I have to find something to drink for me and my friend first."
The kids ran off in search of a more willing victim.
"Aiden, my friend." Jeff Okada handed her a glass of punch.
Aiden eyed him cautiously. "Do I have to frisk you for a piece of broccoli?"
Okada smirked, and Aiden suddenly realized that she had never heard him laugh out loud. "Are you that hungry, or is this your subtle way of asking me for advice concerning your love life?" he asked. "I see Santa brought you something really interesting this year." He turned to look at Dawn, who was engaged in a lively conversation with Susan and the Bennets' oldest daughter Rebecca.
Aiden smiled for a moment, but then pierced him with a serious stare. "You can tease all you want when it's just me, but please no jokes in front of her, okay?"
"My, my..." Okada studied her intently. "I never thought I would see this – Aiden Carlisle head over heels in love!"
Aiden wasn't ready to call it love just yet, but she didn't try to deny that she was hopelessly stuck on Dawn. "You're not shocked that it's a woman?"
"Shocked?" Okada repeated and heartily bit into a piece of broccoli. "If you've been on the job for as long as I have, there's not much that can still shock you. If you want shock, you have to watch my partner's ugly mug when he realizes how futile his attempts to hook you up with his cousin from the Southeast Precinct are."
"Where's Ruben anyway?" Aiden asked.
Okada pointed lazily at something behind Aiden. "I think he's trying to flirt with your sweetheart."
Punch splashed over her hand as Aiden whirled around. Sure enough: Ruben, in his best suit, was showing his pearly whites while he grinned down at Dawn.
"Come on, my friend." Okada nudged her with his elbow. "Let's go rescue your damsel in distress."
* * *
Dawn leaned back against the wall, watching Aiden's colleagues talk and laugh with each other. She didn't know most of the guests, and for the moment, she was content to stay where she was and just observe.
"Hello," someone said right next to her.
