Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

  Marissa’s mother kissed her forehead and then looked at the doctor, whispering her question in her ear. The doctor nodded and Susanne looked down, then back up at her husband.

  Carlos’ voice broke the silence. “Baby, listen to me…Marissa...” she slowly moved her hand from her now red and swollen eyes, clear pearls forming and falling from her eyes as she blinked to look at him. “I won’t give up, neither will you. We will find a donor. Just please…baby, please don’t give up.” Tears brimmed in his own eyes as well, threatening to fall any minute as she looked into his eyes.

  Slowly giving him a nod, she weakly brought her hand to his cheek. “I promise…I won’t give up.” She turned her gaze to her doctor. “Is…there any hope at all?”

  Dr. McKeon smiled softly as she nodded. “I believe so. You have family we can test for matches and being on the list you never know when your match will be found. Sure, there is a chance you could be waiting a while. But statistically, non-related donors are usually your best matches.” She gently touched Marissa’s shoulder and smiled, “We’ll get through this, okay?” Giving a courtesy nod to Carlos, she turned and left the room.

  Mike rubbed the back of his neck and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “You okay, Daddy?” Marissa asked as she took in his posture and how he seemed to be so upset about something.

  “I just need some air, I’ll be fine,” he smiled forcefully and kissed her cheek before he left the room. She watched her father refuse to meet anyone’s eyes and stumble out the door with his shoulders bent like the weight of the world was on them. Susanne watched him, concerned. Marissa closed her eyes as the pain began to affect her again. The door opened and a nurse walked in. She had a warm smile, offering reassurance.

  “Miss Hayes, would you care for some pain medication, honey?” She was an older woman, mid-sixties, her hair curled and in a perfect circular bob. Her eyes were a light blue, her glasses on her face with a chain hung on the sides and around her neck. Her name tag said ‘Delores’.

  Marissa smiled and gave her a nod. “Yes, please. It’s really starting to hurt again.” She felt nauseated as well, but trying to calm herself she thought the pain medication might help.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Over the next few weeks, Helen’s father’s condition seemed to worsen as each day passed. He continued to mention he was sorry, and to please forgive him but when she’d ask what he was talking about he’d forget what he was thinking. It worried her and he seemed to be struggling with whatever secret he held. Brent and Abby had come by to see him and brought baby Olivia to see her great-grandpa. When he held her, he began to sob and run a finger along her cheek.

  “Oh Audrey, I’m so sorry. I…”

  Everyone had looked at Helen in confusion as she pushed the lump in her throat down and forced a smile. She took Olivia from him and insisted he rest. When she had him down in his bed, after giving him his medication the questions were written all over Brent’s and Abby’s faces.

  “Audrey was someone from his past…he’ll be fine. He just needs his rest, it’s been a long day.” She could not understand what Audrey had to do with anything. Audrey was the infant she’d given birth to in August of ‘69, but the child had passed. She’d accepted it, but not a day went by that she didn’t think about what her life would have been like if her baby girl had lived. Tyson knew everything, but she’d never told her boys. What secret could he be keeping about Audrey? Keeping a smile on her face to reassure Brent and Abby that she was fine, she continued the visit until it was time for them to go.

  With her father’s condition worsening, they were forced to decide to put him in a home that Helen visited each day. Tyson tried to reassure her that she had made the right decision and her father would not be upset. She walked into the room he was assigned and smiled brightly, seeing him sit up. He reached a hand out to her as she made her way to his side. The current prognosis was not good, in fact, the doctors said the dementia was progressing more than they had initially thought. The brain injury he sustained in the car accident had sped it up.

  “Helen…” He smiled weakly and took her hand. “I’m not sure how long I have but I have to talk to you…and you need to listen.”

  She wrinkled her forehead as she brought her brows together and placed her other hand atop his which gripped her right hand. “Okay, Daddy. What is it? What’s bothering you?”

  “I’m ashamed. I’m so sorry, Helen. I’ve done something terrible.”

  She was beginning to think he’d slipped from her again and began to speak, “Daddy, it’s...”

  “I lied,” he cut her off.

  She closed her mouth and narrowed her eyes. “About what?” Now fear was beginning to overcome her at what he had lied about, for what he was struggling with.

  “That night…the night I told you that…she died…” He began to cry, tears rolling down his cheeks. His skin was wrinkled and showing his age. “I lied. She…she didn’t die, Helen.”

  The hand she had placed on top her father’s came up to cover her mouth as she felt the tears fall from her eyes. Her heart sped up and felt as if it were in her stomach. Her hands and body were trembling as she sat there silent, eyes wide staring at him. “You…lied to me?” She finally was able to speak, “Why?” she asked, frowning at him in disbelief.

  “Helen…I thought it was best at the time…I…I couldn’t let you go down that road with such a bright future ahead of you. I realized my mistake when it was too late. If I could take it back I would. Please, Helen…don’t hate me.” He sobbed and looked into her eyes as if pleading for his daughter to forgive him for the wrong he’d done.

  The room was somber as she sat staring at him, unable to believe what she was hearing. Her daughter…was alive…she’d never died. She had a daughter somewhere…maybe? It was all too much to comprehend. “Daddy, what did you do? Where is she?”

  “Who, cupcake?” he said with a small smile, a confused look in his eyes.

  “No, no, no…don’t do this now, Daddy. Where is Audrey?”

  “Who is…Aubrey?”

  “No! Daddy, Audrey! Where? Please tell me!”

  He touched her cheek and smiled, “Anne, you’re so beautiful when you’re angry.” Offering her a tissue, he looked at her confused.

  She couldn’t take it, she couldn’t deal with this…not now. More tears threatened to fall as she stood and kissed his forehead, turning and leaving the room.

  “Anne? Anne? Where are you going, lovey?” His voice echoed in the empty room as he watched her leave. Once she was out of the room she broke down in tears, her hand clasping her shirt as her forehead pressed against the wall, sobs making her shoulders shake.

  “Ma’am, are you okay?” the nurse asked. Helen turned around and forced a smile with large tears brimming her eyes.

  “I’m…I’m fine.” She looked at the woman’s name tag before finishing, “Evelyn. That’s a beautiful name.”

  The gray-haired nurse placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and gave her a warm smile. “Honey, are you sure? I’m here if you’d like to talk. I know things like this can be hard, seeing our loved ones go through this aging process.”

  Helen shook her head, “This…it’s not….no, I’m okay. I need some air.” The nurse nodded and patted her shoulder to soothe her, then walked away slowly. The woman had to be in her late sixties or early seventies…the name sounded so familiar. Shaking her head, Helen turned for the exit with swollen eyes and puffy cheeks, her nose sniffling as she headed for her car.

  She sat in her car with the engine off, staring into space. Memories of that night flooded back to her.

  ~1969~

  “Daddy I just fed her last night, how? Why? No! Daddy, No!” Her body shook as she cried hard into her father’s shoulder, her words forced out between sobs. She had just lost the only thing she had left of Tommy--their baby. The rest of the night was a blur, after her father had left to gather her release paperwork, the nice nurse who had been so k
ind to her before, came in to help her get dressed and remove her IV. Staring at the blankets, she felt as if a dark cloud hung above her head, and she was exhausted from crying. They only let her hold the baby‘s stiff body for a minute or so before her father said it was best if she let her go. She didn’t even look the same, but of course a lively baby and a deceased one would always look different. She couldn’t get the images out of her head, holding the lifeless child in her arms. Willing it to breathe and come back to her. Being her legal guardian, he said cremation would better suit the family. Her eyes were dry, having cried so much. She had daydreams of what her life would be like if she had been able to raise her daughter, hear her giggle as she chased her around and tickled her. She imagined Audrey would have Tommy’s smile. It was such a painful reminder, the loss of someone you cared for. A reminder that Tommy was no longer here and now, neither was their baby. After she sat at the window for hours, thinking about what her life would have been like and how now she had to pick up and try to move on, she heard the door open and turned to see Elijah. She rushed into his arms and he held her as she cried again, not many words were spoken. Her brother had always been there for her, they were close. He tried everything he could to try to get her to smile, to make her believe that she could pick up and move on eventually. Her grief was so strong, her depression had grown. When he left, she sat by the window and watched people going in and out of the hospital. She refused to eat, she refused to move. She just sat there and thought.

  “Are you okay honey?” The nurse’s voice broke her away from her thoughts as she slowly raised her head up and looked at the sweet brunette nurse named Evelyn.

  “I’m…” she shook her head and her lip trembled. The nurse’s face lost its smile as she sat down and took her hand into her own, gently caressing the top of her hand.

  “Oh honey, what is it? Something wrong?”

  “I…lost...my…baby,” she said between sobs.

  The nurse looked towards the door and then back at Helen. “You’re Helen?”

  Helen nodded and the nurse began to say something when Dr. Parker entered the room, interrupting.

  “All ready to go, Helen?” She looked at the nurse urging her to continue speaking with her eyes. Evelyn just smiled softly and stood, removed the IV lines from the pole and discarded them. With that, she left the room. In her mid-twenties, she was short and had pixie-like hair. She reminded Helen of a fairy, she was so tiny. Her voice small and high pitched, but so soothing. Left alone with Dr. Parker, she refused to look at him.

  “Helen, I can give you something to help you cope with all this. Would you like that?”

  “Did you know? I mean did you know something was wrong with her? Someone had to know,” she asked as she looked back out the window.

  “I’m sorry, Helen, no. By the time we realized there was a problem, she was fighting for her life.”

  She turned and cut her eyes to him, giving him a cold look. Part of her blamed him. “What were you and my father arguing about?”

  “I’m sorry but I cannot discuss that, Helen. Now I can give you something to help with the depression and to help your anxiety. I am terribly sorry for your loss.” He turned and left the room, leaving her alone as she closed her eyes and fought the urge to hit someone. She didn’t believe him, she wanted…no she needed someone to blame. Blaming herself did not help her feel better. For a while she blamed it on God, herself for getting pregnant out of wedlock, her father, her mother, the doctor, the nurse. Anyone she could to feel better, but the thing was…it didn’t help her feel better.

  A knock on her car window made her blink and wipe her tears away, rolling the window down and smiling. The nurse from earlier held her purse in her hand and passed it through the window.

  “You forgot this, honey. Are you sure you’re okay, having car trouble? Need me to call someone?” Helen just shook her head.

  “No thank you, I’ll be fine. It’s just been a rough day. Thank you so much, I can’t believe I left without it.”

  Evelyn smiled and turned to go. It was then it all clicked into place. “Evelyn?”

  Stopping in her tracks, she turned to face Helen with a smile, “Yes?”

  “Evelyn…I didn’t recognize you.” There she was, older…but with the same pixie-like hair and short brunette hair. She wore glasses now, her hair graying but still brown. She was still short and tiny, her voice high-pitched and soft. It was her, it had to be.

  “Do you…did you ever work in a labor and delivery ward?” Helen questioned hopefully.

  “Hmm, yes I did. In the sixties, oh how long ago that was!” Evelyn said with a bright smile and small chuckle.

  “Do you remember me? Helen…Helen Burrows. August of 1969. Dr. Parker delivered my baby girl Audrey…but she passed away.” Her eyes pleaded for the woman to remember as she waited.

  Evelyn seemed to be thinking and trying to place her. “Hmm, I really…don’t recall. I’m truly sorry about your daughter. I…have to get back to work before they notice I’ve gone. Have a great day.” She smiled but it seemed forced as she turned to leave, something telling Helen that she knew more than she let on.

  She watched the nurse walk back towards the building, occasionally looking over her shoulder and giving her a look that screamed remorse.

  During the drive home, her thoughts continued to haunt her of the time after the ‘loss’ of her baby. Depression had overtaken her in the deepest, darkest parts of her soul. She didn’t want to eat, she couldn’t sleep, she cried constantly. Her father and mother were concerned for her health as they urged her to see a physician. Months passed before she smiled again. That was the lowest she’d ever been, contemplating taking her own life and blaming herself for the loss of her child. She had to have done something wrong. She’d applied to college at the insistence of her mother and was vaguely surprised when she received a letter that she had gotten in. Trying to move on with her life, she thought college would do her well. That was where she met Tyson Morrison. He was so handsome and kind to her. He’d made her laugh, and that was something she needed more than anything.

  Once she arrived home, she opened the door and walked in with a blank face. Sitting at the kitchen table, the hum from the fridge echoed in the room, the house was so silent with no one but her at home. Tyson had to work a bit later than planned and she had no one else to turn to, no one else who knew of her painful history. Even the best of her friends had never known about her past. It would have been looked down upon, and most of her friends were Catholic, believing it was a sin to have a child out of wedlock. She sat at the table with her hands placed gingerly on its top, her eyes staying on the patterns of the curtains that hung above her sink.

  She had no idea what to think, or how to feel, or what to do. It was as if she was an empty shell of herself, with no understanding of how to move on from the revelation of today. The hum of the fridge was the only thing that kept her company. Occasionally, the central air would turn on and she’d hear the clicking sound, followed by the sound of blowing air from the vents. She thought of the past, she thought of what to do, but her mind came up blank each time she thought back to her father’s words, ‘I lied.’ How could he have betrayed her like that? How could he have sat there and told her she lost her child, knowing it was false? The baby she’d held, who was that? The child she cremated, whose child was that? Did Dr. Parker know about it, did he help forge the death certificate? Where was her daughter now? Was she alive and well? Who raised her? Was she happy? She had so many questions, so many thoughts, she thought her head would explode.

  The sound of keys in the door and the closing and locking sound made her blink and look towards the sound. Tyson smiled as he entered the room and she realized she’d been sitting there, not moving for close to five hours.

  “I called but no one answered, I figured you were still out, love.” Upon seeing her face and posture he immediately became worried. “Love, is everything okay? Is it your dad? Did something happen?” He
placed his briefcase down on a chair and walked over to Helen, taking a seat next to her and pulled the chair closer as he touched her hand.

  “Tyson…” The tears brimmed in her eyes again as she broke down once more, sobs coming from her as his face turned to shock. He reached for her and enveloped her in his arms to console her.

  “Love, what is it? Talk to me…it’ll be okay.” He appeared to be worried about her, since he’d never really seen her like this before. Such despair, filled with desolation as she wept in his arms. Her hands grasped his shirt as she cried while he held her to him. They sat there silent for a while as she cried, letting her get it out. She knew he was waiting for her to tell him what had happened. He must have known that it wasn’t her father because he would have been alerted by the staff. He looked at her confused and concerned, and waited for an explanation.

  “She’s…alive…Ty, alive…” she was able to say in between sobs. He furrowed his brows and ran a hand over her hair.

  “Who is alive? Love, what are you talking about?” He questioned her in a soft voice, trying to console his broken wife.

  “Audrey….he…lied to me. He…lied Tyson, my father lied to me.” When she spoke the words she pulled back to look him in the eyes. Her eyes were red and teary as she fought through the sobs to speak. Realization seemed to hit him about what she was referring to and he gaped at her. When Helen had met Tyson so many years ago, she had been broken…fragile. He’d made her smile and became fast friends with her. Once they’d known one another for almost a year, and being best friends by then, she finally told him about Audrey…and Tommy. He was there for her and reassured her that he’d always be there. Shortly after that, they became a couple. She remembered saying to him that he’d made her happy, happier than she had been in such a long time. She married her best friend. He shook his head in disbelief as he looked at her.