Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

  “Are-are you sure?” She knew it would be hard to believe and he appeared to be contemplating all this information. Considering her father’s condition, he might think Joseph was mistaken.

  She nodded, “He told me today…before he went back to being confused.”

  He pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back, placing a gentle hand on her head as he held her to his chest. “Do you think he could be thinking of something else…the dementia—?”

  She raised her head quickly to look at him and cut his words off, “Tyson! He has been acting odd for weeks now, wanting to tell me something but never seemed to be able to before he’d have an episode. He’s been calling me Anne, saying he needed to tell Helen the truth…It has to be real, it has to be, Tyson. It just has to be…” She began to cry again, and fell forward into his arms.

  “There, there love. Shh, it’ll be okay. Calm down,” he continued to run a hand over her hair and back to soothe her heartache. If she knew her husband, he was probably hard in thought of how he could help her through this, what comforting words he could offer her. “How about a relaxing bath and some dinner. We can talk about the next steps over your favorite?” He offered her something commonplace to focus on, then kissed her forehead.

  She nodded and sniffled, pulling herself up from his arms and wiping at her eyes. Her face was red, her eyes puffy again. “That sounds good, Ty. I’m sorry…I just so sorry.”

  “No need to be sorry love, you had quite a bit of news today. I’m going to go run your bath, then you will go relax while I go get dinner, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said in a soft whisper. He stood and took her hands into his, helping her to stand. As he led her down the hall to the bathroom, no words were spoken. She sat on the closed toilet staring into space as he filled the tub with water, set at the perfect temperature. He added in some of her favorite bath salts to add relaxation to her bath. As the water began to rise, he walked over to her and helped her to undress, seeing that she was in a state of shock and not really knowing how to deal with everything. He helped her into the tub and reminded her to shut off the water when there was enough. She nodded and grabbed his hand as he turned to go.

  “Tyson, I love you so much. Thank you for-for everything,” her lip trembled and he bent down to softly kiss her lips.

  “I love you, too, Helen. Always have, always will. We’ll get through this together, okay?”

  She nodded and he stood, giving her a smile before turning to go. Helen lay back in the water and placed the wet cloth over her face to soothe her puffiness from all the tears. It would be a long night, and she had no idea what to do next or even what to say. She remembered the fear she’d had when she learned she was pregnant with Tyson II, fearing that she would lose him, too. When he was born she refused to let him out of her sight, constantly worrying whether he was okay. When they were released from the hospital, Tyson had trouble convincing her to allow Tyson II to sleep in his own room for the first six months or so. All that extra anxiety and worry was because her father had lied to her about losing her daughter. It made her angry, but more than that, it broke her heart that her father would ever do such a thing. Now all she could think about was the daughter she’d never known she still had, burning questions of what she looked like, what her life was like? Did she look like Tommy or herself, or both? Did she have children, was she married? She tried to picture her daughter in her mind and only came up with a blank shadow, not knowing what to expect or think.

  “Helen, I’m back,” she heard Tyson call out down the hall as she finished rinsing herself off after a long soak. While he set the table, she dressed, still in a blank mood. The bath had relaxed her, the crying had exhausted her and her thoughts made her head ache. He moved the chair out from the table for her to sit before he took his own seat. She picked at her food with the fork, not feeling like she had an appetite.

  “I’m going to help you in any way I can, love. You know that. What would you like to do?”

  She stared at the food on her plate and shook her head, “I wish I knew, Ty. I wish I knew. I don’t know where to start. Dr. Parker died years ago, Dad isn’t in the best condition to tell me what I need to know and the only other person who was there won’t talk to me.” She looked up to meet his gaze.

  “Won’t talk to you? Who?”

  “Evelyn. She was a nurse when I delivered, but by coincidence she works at the nursing home where Dad is. How ironic that she apparently doesn’t remember me, but yet her face told a different story.”

  His brows went up. “Well, give her some time, maybe she needs to fully remember what happened before speaking to you. Try again in a few days. Don’t give up. I can check around at the office for what I can find about Dr. Parker and the records he kept. Surely someone will know something. We’ll find her. I promise you.” He offered her a reassuring smile, and she gave him a weak one and nodded.

  She knew she had to eat or he’d stay worried, so that’s what she did. They sat in silence, both immersed in their own thoughts about this interesting turn of events and how they would handle it. Together as they always had, but what happened when she did, or if she did, find her daughter? What would she say, what would she do? What if her daughter didn’t want to know her or have Helen in her life? So many what ifs.

  That night she fought to fall asleep, constantly hearing her father’s words and replaying the day’s events in her mind. Tossing and turning, she eventually found sleep. Her dreams brought her to a time when she had Tommy and her daughter and they were happy. Another what if. She loved Tyson with her heart and soul, but part of her couldn’t help but wonder what her life would have been like if she’d married Tommy and had their daughter without the betrayal of her father. Finally, her dreams began to seep away as she drifted into a deeper sleep.

  After a restless night from learning the secret her father had been carrying with him for all these years, she woke the next morning feeling almost numb. She dragged herself to the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for the day, she splashed water on her face and closed her eyes. Exhaling slowly before looking up into the mirror at her reflection, she brought her hand up to touch the side of her face. Staring back at her was her seventeen year old self, a scared girl who was in love and pregnant. All she’d wanted was to make her parents proud and keep the one thing that reminded her of Tommy. That had been taken away from her by her father and she wasn’t sure whether she could ever forgive him for it. How could she?

  All her life she’d thought her baby girl had died, all this time she knew nothing about her daughter out there somewhere. She’d missed out on thirty four years of her child’s life, she could never get that back. The anger boiled to the surface and she screamed out into the quiet bathroom as her hand slammed against the mirror, causing it to crack and her reflection to become distorted. Tyson heard the shatter of the glass and rushed in, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. She watched as he spoke to her, barely hearing his words. He wrapped her hand up from the small cuts she received when her fist hit the shards. He helped her to the bed and told her to rest. All she could do was think.

  She’d never felt so much anger before. It wasn’t all towards her father, most of it was at the situation. While she understood his way of thinking, she couldn’t fathom what he’d done. How he sat there and lied to her that her baby girl had died. It made no sense, how cold and calculating he could have been just so she wouldn’t be a young unwed mother. She had two options--sit and be miserable, crying and depressed. Or get dressed and go find answers, find her daughter. The first place to start would be her father’s files from the sixties. Surely he had to have kept the paperwork, unless there was no paperwork. Then it would be a lost cause. She had to start somewhere.

  Helen walked to the closet with determination in her mind, knowing what she had to do. Throwing on some jeans and a shirt, she called Tyson to let him know she’d be out of the house today. How lucky she’d been to have such a supportive husband on h
er side, someone who wouldn’t judge her for having a child out of wedlock, or even for loving another man even though he was now only a ghost. Tyson knew Tommy still held a piece of her heart and he accepted that. Tommy was her first love, always would be. She grabbed her keys and headed out the door, the overcast clouds made her feel like the weather reflected her glum mood. Positive thinking yielded positive results, she kept telling herself.

  Once she arrived at her father’s house, she went straight to his home office. Opening filing cabinets, she began sifting through folder after folder for some kind of answer. A year, a hospital, anything that would connect to this. She spent hours on the floor, another hour standing as she looked through shelves of old case files. Exhausted, she plopped down in his chair to take a breath. It was no use, only he would know where to look and that would only happen if she could get him to remember. His current condition was like a see-saw of emotions and memories that came and went. She put everything back and grabbed the keys from the desk, giving up on searching alone. He had to know, he had to remember. She would make him remember that night, what he’d done after it was all said and done. Where he’d put the papers, if any. The name of the person he’d given her baby girl to. Anything.

  The drizzle of rain had begun as she turned into the nursing home parking lot. Gripping the wheel and looking at the entrance, she tried to build her courage before she went in. Sitting in silence, she closed her eyes. Taking a slow deep breath in and then releasing it, she turned off the engine and got out of her car.

  She peeked into the room with its dim lights and an old man lying in a bed, resting. His chest rose and fell calmly and she just leaned against the doorframe watching him. It soothed her in a way, to watch him rest so peacefully. After a while, she quietly went inside and took a seat by his bedside. Placing her hand on top of his that rested on top of an old mystery novel he enjoyed reading, she smiled softly. He slowly opened his eyes and turned his head towards her.

  “Helen…” Licking his lips to wet them and swallowing so that his voice didn’t sound so raspy. “You came back…”

  She nodded and fought back the tears.

  He moved his hand so that he held hers and grasped it tightly as he shut his eyes. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”

  She sniffled and nodded. “It’s okay.” She lowered her head to gather her thoughts on how she’d talk to him about the situation. Not knowing how much time she had with him before his next episode she started, “Daddy, I need your help. I need to find her. Please…I need to know where to look.”

  He opened his eyes and looked back over at her. Shaking his head as he thought hard. “Cupcake, I don’t—I don’t remember his name.”

  “There had to be some kind of paperwork, right?”

  “Maybe…I mean, I don’t remember. It’s all so hazy. I—I blocked it out for so long. Oh, Helen, I’m so sorry. What have I done?”

  He began to shift in his bed and she helped him to sit up. “Daddy, we’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. I just need you to think hard. That night after you told me…after you said she died. What happened then?”

  He closed his eyes and she thought he was seriously trying to think, trying to make the memories form in his head. She figured it must be like puzzle pieces, some didn’t fit. Some were blurry and some were just completely blank.

  He started rapidly blinking as he looked at her, obviously remembering something. “The nurse…I remember Dr. Parker warning her that it had to stay quiet. I don’t—I don’t…” Shaking his head as he visibly tried to force himself to remember. He held onto her hand so tightly, as if he were scared to let go and lose her.

  “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. You did great.”

  “Helen, please…please find it in your heart to forgive me. If not today, just someday…forgive me. Your mother didn’t even know about it.”

  Pressing her lips into a hard line, she fought the urge to cry, or yell and ask why, or be angry. Really, she couldn’t do any of them. He was sorry from the depths of his soul. His regret, as well as the pain of what he’d done, showed in his eyes. You couldn’t change the past, but you could control the future. Sure she may never forget the betrayal he’d done to her, but she could forgive him. She had to. She stood and kissed his forehead, then his cheek.

  “Of course, Daddy. I will…It will just take time. But I will. I do. It’s okay.”

  He smiled and touched her cheek. “Your mother would be so proud of the woman you’ve become. You are so much like her, you know.”

  The tears fell from her eyes, not from sadness but from his kind words.

  Evelyn entered the room with a soft smile and looked between them. “I’m sorry. I can come back if you’d like me to.” She held a cup of pills in her hand for Joseph.

  Helen stood and shook her head. “No, it’s okay.” She let her father’s hand go and told him she’d be back soon. Wiping the tears away, she stepped outside and composed herself, waiting for Evelyn to come out of the room. The nurse passed her and she stepped forward, catching up to her. “Can we talk?” Helen asked, looking at the other woman with pleading eyes as they walked. All she had was Evelyn…she was her only hope at this point.

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  Helen grabbed her arm to stop her from walking and searched her eyes. “Please. You’re the only hope I’ve got left. I know she didn’t die. My baby girl…I know. Now, Please…just please tell me what you know.”

  Evelyn stopped walking and looked around, sighing heavily, she looked down and then back up at Helen. “I’m not sure if anything I know can even help you. But, I go on break in an hour. Can we talk then?”

  Helen smiled and nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’ll be here,” she said before putting her hands together in a prayerful motion and walked backwards mouthing the words ‘thank you’. Turning around, she went back into her father’s room to sit with him until he fell asleep. Today had been a good day for him, she was able to talk to him. She didn’t find out as much information as she’d hoped to, but it was a start and that’s all she had.

  The room was silent as he drifted off to sleep, as she sat there remembering the night he told her that Audrey had died, over and over again. The pain she felt, the heartbreak, confusion. How he’d said it so calmly, almost in a regrettable tone. Rubbing her forehead to pull herself from the painful memories, she heard a soft knock and looked up. It was Evelyn. She waved a hand for Helen to follow her and she did.

  Helen followed her to the day room that was now empty of residents and nurses. They each took a seat and Evelyn took a breath, “Okay, like I said, everything I remember about that night, I’m not certain it can even help you. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but you have to understand. Back then, I was just starting out and Dr. Parker was a very well-respected man, as was your father. I overheard them talking in the hall about sealing a deal. I remember Dr. Parker saying that his name had better not be mentioned so he didn’t lose his license. I found that odd.”

  Helen nodded to show she was listening as Evelyn took a break, trying to remember every detail she could. Helen understood that the woman’s memory was fuzzy from her age.

  “Nothing made sense that night. There was another delivery, the infant didn’t make it. But it wasn’t your baby, so when you told me your child had passed, I was confused. Then it all made sense after you’d left, but I couldn’t say anything. I would have lost my job. That’s really all I can tell you. That’s all I know, all I can remember.”

  Helen sighed and looked at her hands. “Do you remember a name or anything of the other couple? The one who lost their child, did they leave with a child who was alive maybe?”

  Evelyn shook her head, “By the time I went back to work, they were gone and I didn’t know they left with a child.” Placing a gentle hand on top of Helen’s, she gave her a soft smile. “I’m truly sorry that I didn’t say anything, or help…I just pray you find the answers you seek.”

  Helen nodded and whispered a thank you
to the woman before standing and slowly walking towards the door, deep in thought. Turning back to Evelyn she smiled softly and nodded. “You did help me…you did.” Had it not been for the kind words of the woman that day, she might have considered something very dark, but her words…the words she spoke that day gave her hope. Gave her…peace.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Marissa’s father had entered her room after stepping out for air wearing the same look on his face. Something seemed to be bothering him, but he wouldn’t say what. He looked as if he wanted to say something but never did. Susanne looked worried but didn’t say anything about his behavior the last few days.

  “Dad, are you sure you’re okay? I’ll be fine if that’s what you’re worried about. Stay positive…please?” He just gave her a weak smile and nodded.

  Over the next few days she endured test after test to get the exact information on her kidneys to have on file and in order to submit her name to the transplant list. North Carolina was pretty good about successful kidney transplants. The pain was too much and yet again she had to take a leave of absence from teaching. It saddened her to have to leave her job, she missed and loved teaching; it crushed her to only get to do it for a month or so before her relapse. Carlos stayed at her side through everything and barely left. Luckily, he had a few doctor friends and was able to work around her testing schedule and his own schedule to be there during the tests and to support her. So many times she apologized to him for not telling him about the pain and symptoms, all he could do was hold her hand and tell her it was okay, that he understood. They’d been together now for about four months or so and each day she spent with him she fell more and more in love. Sophia came to visit often and was staying with Marissa’s parents until Marissa was better. The first time Sophia came in, she cried as she hugged Marissa, worried about how things would end up. Marissa comforted her and reassured her she’d be out in no time.