Circle of Secrets
Page 20
The day came when the doctors finally released her but insisted on bed rest, nothing too strenuous and she had to follow a strict diet. Carlos offered to stay with her until she felt well enough to be alone and at first she refused his offer. But once she stood to leave, she realized how weak she was and knew that she needed him. To admit that…took a lot, since she was a proud and independent woman. Having him there to help with Sophia and take care of her was almost more than she could ever ask for. She thought that he must be really committed to her for him to devote so much time into her, considering they hadn’t been together long. He cooked for her, cleaned, helped Sophia with her homework, helped Marissa when she felt weak and let her sleep when she needed. He even stayed on the couch like a gentleman. She felt safer with him there and in some weird way he was like the father Sophia never had. He was amazing with Sophia, and he treated Marissa like a queen.
A week after her release, she was finally able to walk unaided and started to get her color back and feel better. She was now keeping down what she ate, although the medication often made her gag. Soon, she’d start dialysis and she was nervous about it because of the way it made her feel. Carlos promised her he’d be there for her as long as she needed him to be. Sophia was at Chantelle’s house for the weekend, so it gave them both a break. She sat next to Carlos on the sofa, curled up next to him with a blanket draped over her body. Her head rested on his chest while his arm gently wrapped around her. They were watching a movie when she heard a knock at the door. Slowly, she moved away from Carlos and allowed him to get up to answer the door.
“How is she?” her father asked as he entered with Susanne behind him. Carlos stepped aside to allow them to enter and closed the door behind them.
“She’s getting better,” Carlos answered as he looked towards Marissa with a soft smile. “I’ll give you all some privacy. Let me know if you need anything.” He placed his hands in his pockets and headed outside to check his messages. Marissa nodded and scooted over so her parents could sit. Her father seemed to be the same, her mother looked worried and afraid. Her father took a seat in the recliner diagonally across from Marissa as her mother sat beside her and gave her a hug.
“Dad, Mom…what is it? You both are worrying me. What’s with the solemn faces? I’ll be fine, you know that.”
“Honey, I brought your mother with me because I wanted to tell the both of you together. It…it has to be said and I just want you to know before I start…that I’m sorry, and it was the only thing I could do at the time. I realized how wrong it was later, but tried to suppress it all these years.” He cleared his throat, his voice shaking as he spoke, tears welling in his eyes, “Thirty-four years ago, I made a deal with someone.” He looked at Susanne and then at his hands as he held them clasped together. Taking a deep breath, he looked back up to face his wife. “We’d lost our baby. I was devastated, Sue…just devastated. You were in recovery and they hadn’t told you yet when the doctor came to me in the hallway and broke the news…I lost it…I just…lost it.” Susanne’s mouth dropped in horror as she tried to understand what he was saying, Marissa perked up, her face confused and slightly scared.
“Dad, what…what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that this man approached me and he offered me a baby girl…private adoption, free at that. His only request was to have the baby girl we lost. I didn’t ask questions, I just blurted out ‘yes’. I couldn’t see Sue take that news. She’d been depressed in the last trimester and I just…I just...” he shook his head trying to find the words. Susanne began to cry into her hands as Marissa’s face looked pained and confused. Tears brimmed her eyes then slowly glided down her cheek.
“You…bought me?” She asked weakly.
“I didn’t buy you, we made a deal. He…” Mike rubbed the back of his neck and sighed as he fought his own tears, “You have to understand, I was in a bad place and I didn’t realize the damage this could cause later. I wanted to tell you both so many times, honestly I did.”
“Why now! Why!” Marissa asked, angrily.
“Marissa, I just thought you should know…because of your condition. The doctor said non-related donors have better chances.”
“So, if I hadn’t gotten sick, you wouldn’t have ever said a thing…is that it? Huh?” She was hurt and angry as she yelled at her father…something she’d never done before. Marissa placed her head in her hands and sat at the edge of the couch, tears falling more freely. Her mother sniffled and placed a hand on her back, rubbing softly.
“Marissa, you are our daughter. You must know this.” Susanne looked at Mike with a tear-streaked face and growing anger. Her face reflected her reaction to finding out that her husband had done something she never in a lifetime would have guessed. Keeping such a lie from her for thirty-four years, which their only child had died and he’d just taken someone else’s child as a substitute. She dabbed her eyes with tissue and then handed Marissa one.
“Mom, I just don’t know what to say. Everything I’ve ever known is a lie. So, this person was just freely giving away babies?” she asked as her eyes met her father’s in a hard glare. He hung his head and shook it to answer her.
“Marissa, I can’t express or stress enough how sorry I am for deceiving you and your mother. I should have said something sooner, I shouldn’t have done what I did and I’m…I’m just so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? I’ll do anything to help you find out what you want to know.”
Marissa stood with tears in her eyes just as Carlos entered and took in the scene. “Is everything okay Marissa?” She looked at him with tears rolling down her cheeks and shook her head then turned back to her father.
“Whatever you did…whatever reason you did it for…doesn’t change the fact that my whole life…my whole life I believed I was a certain person…only that’s not true. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I belong. I just…I need some time to think! I’m sorry…just—”
“Mar—” Her father stopped abruptly as she turned to leave the room, with Susanne still silently sobbing.
* * * *
Carlos looked bewildered as he looked from Marissa’s departing back, then to Mike, and finally to Susanne, not knowing what to make of it all or what to say or do. Mike sighed heavily and ran his hands over his face. Susanne rose from the couch and headed for the door, leaving the room and slamming it behind her. He looked back to Mike and both his brows rose. Mike blew out a breath and looked towards Marissa’s bedroom, “Please watch over Marissa. Make sure she’s okay and if anything changes call me. That is, if…if she wants to speak to me.” Carlos nodded to give his acknowledgement and with that, Mike walked past Carlos and exited the house, following Susanne for the long drive home. Carlos widened his eyes as Mike and Susanne left. What…had happened? He obviously missed something important and part of him feared it was a new revelation from Marissa’s health, but Mike’s words didn’t point to that conclusion. He thought about what he should do and if she wanted to be alone or not. He would respect it either way, and whatever he needed to do to be there for her. Checking his watch, he knew he was on call but the chances of being called out were slim.
Standing, he headed into the kitchen for a glass of water for Marissa. Carlos knocked on the door to Marissa’s bedroom and leaned against the wall as he held the glass of water in his hands, waiting to see if she wanted to talk. “It’s me, babe,” he said softly.
She sniffled and said weakly, “Come in.” He turned the knob and entered, seeing her curled up on the bed with her legs to her chest, tears falling from her eyes as she held a blanket around her. He took in the sight before him and sighed then walked around her bed, set the water on her bedside table and crawled in behind her, placing an arm around her and kissed her hair.
“We can talk when you want. Just know I’m here.” She exhaled a breath and closed her eyes. He wrapped his arm around her snugly, like he was trying to help hold her together. Minutes passed in silence, the only sounds were his breat
hing and her sniffles as she cried. He thought about the possibilities and the only conclusion he could come up with was it was some kind of family matter. Maybe a death in the family? She shifted and it interrupted his thinking. He raised his arm and watched to see what she was going to do. “Do you need anything?” he asked softly.
She shook her head and turned her body to face him, resting her head on the pillow. Her eyes and nose were red, cheeks puffy and face wet with tears. He gently stroked her face and moved her hair to the side as he looked into her eyes. Remaining silent, he moved his hand to her arm and rubbed up and down to console her.
“My parents...aren’t my…real parents,” she said with labored breaths because of her constant crying. His eyes widened with shock as he heard her words, brows furrowing in confusion.
“Aren’t your parents? You were adopted?” he asked softly, continuing to rub her arm as he lay next to her, facing her. She wiped her cheek of the tears that fell and shook her head. He listened intently as she spoke, trying to take this information in. Out of everything that could have happened, he never expected something like this.
“Not exactly. I was basically given away in a deal. A business arrangement.” He wasn’t sure he understood everything that went with adoptions, but he would try. Surely there had to be record of this as long as it wasn’t a closed adoption.
He leaned closer and kissed her forehead, wiping away her tears with his thumb. Using his index finger he slowly lifted her chin so her eyes met his. “Whatever you need me to do, I will. However I can help you through this…let me know. I want to be here for you. I…love you.” He meant every word he told her and could see she was hurting and struggling with all of it. She expressed how she felt to him, how she felt as if she wasn’t good enough. She was anything but not good enough. She didn’t even realize just how important she was to him, to her parents, birth parents or not. He didn’t know the entire story and judging by the look on Mike’s face, he knew a lot about what was going on.
She looked into his eyes as her breath caught in her throat. They’d known one another as patient and doctor for about two years and had been friends for a good six months before it turned into a relationship. Over the past four months of being his girlfriend, they had never said the words to one another. Truth be told, she loved him, more than she thought she ever would. She had truly fallen in love with this man and the sound of his voice speaking words she hadn't known she longed to hear, made her heart race. Tears brimmed in her eyes again as they lay staring at one another for the longest time, he caressed her cheek with his thumb, holding his palm to her face.
“Carlos…I…” She shook her head, unable to find or say the words. Love, who would have thought she’d feel that ever again? But she did, and here she was unable to speak for fear of breaking apart again. In barely a whisper she finished her sentence with a tremble to her lips. “…love you, too.”
He smiled softly and leaned closer to place his lips to hers. Her eyes closed as a tear escaped down her cheek, not from hurt or sadness, but this time for pure joy. Placing her hand on his cheek, she fell back onto the bed and he followed, never breaking their kiss. His tongue invaded her mouth and danced with hers in heated passion. Her body longed for him just as his longed for her. His hand caressed her cheek as she wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders. Breaking the kiss, he trailed down her neck in nibbles that brought goose bumps to her skin. Her mouth was slightly open as he did this, making her back arch up to him.
“Are you sure?” he whispered against her skin. All she could do was meet his eyes and nod with so much need and want in hers. He continued to kiss her neck as her hands slowly moved over his body, discovering it.
He slowly stood up from the bed and extended his hand to her, helping her to her feet. She was secretly thankful that the medication had helped her to feel better, otherwise this wouldn’t be possible.
Slowly, he peeled back her robe and let it fall down her arms, pooling on the floor at her feet. She placed her fingers at the hem of his shirt and slipped it off of him as he did the same with her tank top. Placing gentle kisses on her collarbone, his hands went to her back, fingers splayed so that he could touch as much as her skin as possible. He held her to him, skin against skin. His hands softly ran up along her back and up her shoulders, admiring her in every way. “You are…so beautiful, Marissa.”
She considered herself to be frail and weak, someone he couldn’t possibly be attracted to…but here he was, proving her wrong. That was obvious by the pain the constriction of his pants was noticeably causing him. His compliment made her smile and feel beautiful, the first time she’d felt like that in weeks. She found herself on the bed again, propping herself up on her elbows as he pulled away her shorts and underwear, he stood there and maintained eye contact with her as he unbuckled his belt, unzipped and unbuttoned his pants to remove them. She was distracted by the happy trail that went from the small patch of hair on his chest, all the way down the middle of his stomach down towards his crotch. The hair disappeared beneath his boxers and he grinned as she met his eyes again. He slowly removed his own pants as she watched him. Her heart was racing, what if she wasn’t good enough? It had been a year or so since she had been intimate with a man, even longer since she had slept with someone she had such strong feelings for. She felt so lucky to have the love of a man like him. He was the complete opposite of Sophia’s father, or any other man she had dated since then. He was different, there was something about him that made her tingle in places, feel faint at times and her heart felt as if it would explode. Now she was just impatient and getting more and more anxious as each passing second caused her to crave him, to need him. Her body was on fire as she waited for his touch.
Slowly, he crawled up her body, greeting her lips with his own again as his hands softly ran along her bare skin. His legs tangled with hers, getting lost in the moment with her. There was no doubt in his mind he loved this woman, no doubt that he wanted her in every way possible. He had found his forever, his future. Deep down he knew since she walked into his office, but always being afraid to pursue it only held them back on exploring their love for each other. In this moment, nothing else mattered. All he ever wanted to do was be there for her in any way he could, make her feel strong when she felt weak. Make her feel loved when she felt lonely, make her smile when she was sad. He could see his future with her…his wife, his partner, his friend. She was everything to him and then some. For a brief moment, his eyes locked with hers. He could not look away, he would not close his eyes. Staring into one another’s eyes, looking deeper into her soul, it was as if their souls were speaking. No words were necessary, just the look, just the feeling.
He ran his fingertips along her forehead to move her hair as he continued to gaze into her hazel eyes, getting more and more lost in them. Every pain he had ever felt, every lonely night he’d stay awake watching the waves, it all seemed worth it because it led to this moment. This very moment with her. The love he felt for her was almost indescribable. She was his sole reason for living, for not giving up on love. When he smiled, she mirrored him and cupped his cheek with one hand, her fingers slowly moving over the nape of his neck as she looked up at him. Her touch, the simple touch of her hand caused his heart to speed up. He nodded as if answering some unspoken question and kissed her forehead, moving down to her temple, then her cheek, lips, chin, neck, clavicle, slowly exploring her skin with his lips.
She smelled like lavender, her skin was smooth as silk. Lying between her legs, bare flesh to bare flesh, he continued his descent down her body. His hand kneaded her right breast as he slowly circled the nipple of her left with his tongue. He felt her body bow to him, causing him to harden even more. He held himself up above her, not putting his weight on her, careful not to hurt her. He continued to explore with his lips as he kissed down her sternum down to her stomach. His hands moved slowly over her skin, touching every part of her. Hearing her soft pants at his teasing caused him to grin.
“You are my everything, Marissa. I just want to make you happy.” Before she could say anything, he kissed her lips with such burning desire, such need. Moving his hand over her outer thigh, he lifted her leg to his waist and ran down to the junction of her thighs, teasing her more with his fingers. He continued his teasing as his breathing rose a few notches, whispering in her ear. His voice was strained with impatience as he realized she was not on the pill, how he had quickly forgotten. She moved her hips against his hand as he continued to kiss her deeply, his head swimming with all of the passion he was feeling for her. It wasn’t like anything he’d ever experienced, maybe because there was so much love for this woman. In some ways, being this intimate with her made him feel more complete. Like a piece of him he felt was missing for so long was finally returned.
He was the lucky one, there was no doubt about that. There was nothing he would not do for her, nothing he would not risk. He intended that one day, he would make her his wife. He had no future without her and Sophia, she was it for him. He had found the place that felt like home, where ever she was…that’s where home was. They met under interesting circumstances, and now he was making love to this woman after such a revelation in her life, but everything happened as it may. Of course he’d thought of this many times, but now that it was actually happening was almost surreal. He stopped teasing her and heard the whimper, causing him to grin. He quickly grabbed the condom that he kept in his wallet for emergencies. This was definitely an emergency. He opened the foil packet and rolled it on as she watched in anticipation, licking her lips like she did only made him want and need her more.