Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

  Why her? Of all women, he’d chosen her. Lucky, she’d describe herself as, if only because she’d never before felt worthy of love…not a love like this. Pure and passionate, not only a lover, but also a friend. As he found his way inside of her, he made all worries and stress leave her body. She closed her eyes and basked in their lovemaking. There was nothing but pure love, nothing but softness and care. He was so gentle, so careful with her. Her mouth fell open as he was sheathed within her. There was no other way to describe it except pure bliss. Her fingers bit into his shoulders as she felt herself inching closer to sweet release. And when she finally did, he followed right after, making her cry out at the sensations. It was the best night of her existence.

  She laid her head on his chest and kept her eyes closed with a smile on her face as he ran his fingers through her brown waves of hair with one hand, the other softly stroking the arm that draped across him.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked, which made her open her eyes to look at him.

  “About you…and I. And about earlier.”

  “What about you and I?” he asked with a grin.

  “How you’re just…amazing.” She propped herself up on her elbow and looked into his eyes. “And how I’m inevitably falling in love with you.” Marissa admitted it to him and waited apprehensively for his response.

  He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her lips softly before looking into her eyes. “I think…I’ve been in love with you for a while now.”

  Her heart felt so…complete to hear him say that. To hear that it wasn’t a one-sided feeling. All she could do was smile and lay her head back on his chest as he resumed stroking her arm.

  “Is there anything we can do about finding my birth parents? I mean why would they make a deal like that? Who made the deal? I have so many questions.”

  He thought about her inquiries for a few moments before speaking, “Do you know what hospital you were born in? I could see what I can do.”

  She shrugged and sighed. “I’ll have to ask my father…but I can’t, not right now. I’m still….shocked at all this.” Closing her eyes, she tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall again. It did hurt and she felt betrayed. Her father had made a deal with someone, and had given their deceased child away as a trade. She hadn’t been bought, she was traded. She wasn’t worth anything except a trade. How else was she supposed to feel? Sure, she still loved her parents, they were all she knew…but somewhere out there were her real mother and father. But, she also wasn’t sure she wanted to find them at all considering the fact they had just traded her-- Things didn’t make sense. Why would they trade her for a deceased baby? Her head hurt at the thoughts as she tried to make sense of it all. She needed a full night’s rest and then she’d think about it tomorrow. Her heavy eyes opened and looked up at him.

  “Would you…like to sleep in here tonight?” With Sophia being out of the house, the issue of propriety was gone, and considering what they had just done, there was no reason not to share a bed. He smiled and looked down into her eyes.

  “I’d love to.” He turned on his side and pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arm around her body as she pressed her back against his chest. The feel of his arms around her was purely blissful. It was like no other feeling, being there with him. She felt safe and peaceful, like nothing could ever harm her or there would be nothing she would ever have to face alone. Was it too soon to be thinking about a future with him? She hated to think of what could be, knowing that her future was numbered. Who was to say it would even be possible? Or more than that, how did she know that he wanted a future with her, marriage was a big step. He had already been married once, there was a good chance he may never want to do that again. And on top of all that she came with a child and lots of health issues. She was broken, he deserved more, so much more. All the worries and stress of the day faded fast as she sleep found her.

  He could hear her falling into a deep sleep as he held her, on the edge of sleep himself. How had he managed to find a woman so amazing? God had truly blessed him this time; he felt like the luckiest man alive when he was with her. Sometimes he just couldn’t stop smiling, even just thinking about her made his days better. She was the answer to all his questions, the faith in all his doubt. She intrigued him, the way she always wore a smile even on the worst of days. Her fight and determination to get better, her laughter and sense of humor. She was everything he ever wanted and more. Granted, they’d only been together for about four months now, but he couldn’t help imagining her as his wife one day. To him, time did not matter. Sophia was the sweetest little girl, and he’d have it all. He’d once doubted he would ever be a father, never thinking he’d settle down again or find that one person to spend the rest of his life with. But now, that all seemed possible. All because of Marissa. He liked the thought of being a husband, a father, a family with the both of them. The future looked bright, but for right now…right now his focus was on getting her better. He vowed to be there for her through anything and he’d keep that promise. Whatever he could do to aid her find her birth parents, he would, whatever he could do to find her a donor, he would.

  With that thought, hope began to form. Hope that a future was a possibility, hope that he could be the one to make her happy, make her smile. Lying next to her was where he felt like he belonged. She was home, she was everything. He hated the fact that she hurt, that she was sad, that her world seemed to be crashing around her. His ultimate goal was to get her health back to normal and make every day of the rest of her life memorable and happy. She deserved it, she deserved all the happiness in the world.

  She sounded as if she was resting peacefully as he continued to run his hand over her hair, caressing her and helping her to remain relaxed. He perched up on his arm and watched her dream. Her brows would furrow and she’d stir slightly, causing him to grin. He wondered what she dreamt about, what she was thinking and feeling in her sleep. Running his hand along her arm, he laid there and watched for what seemed like hours.

  He could lay like this forever, seeing her so peaceful and content. It was a great difference from how she seemed earlier. He still couldn’t believe that her father had gone through with a private, illegal adoption. She had a right to be angry, sad even.

  Part of him understood Mike’s logic. He had lost a baby and could not bear to tell his wife for fear of her devastation. The opportunity presented itself and the man took it without asking questions, it was all out of desperation.

  Carlos would never have thought this was what Marissa was so upset about, but part of him was relieved her health was not the cause. He needed her to stay positive, he couldn’t let her give up. The sound of the rain began to relax him, her breathing seemed to even out even more as she lay in his arms. He placed a soft kiss on her shoulder and laid back down, wrapping his arms around her and closing his eyes.

  His mind was still racing with all of the information he had learned in the last few hours. There had to be something he could do to help her to locate her birth parents. Maybe, just maybe…between her parents Susanne and Mike, and her birth parents, one of them could be a perfect match and not know it. Saying a silent prayer, he prayed for her to remain in good health and for a match to be found soon. He would use every resource possible to do what he could in finding a matching donor for her, no matter what it took. Tomorrow would always be another day, whatever came their way he felt confident they could face it together and conquer anything. With his newfound hope, came sleep. “I’ll never stop loving you…” he whispered into her ear just before he fell asleep.

  A week had passed without much conversation between Marissa and her parents. She just wasn’t ready and couldn’t talk about it just yet. Carlos had been there to support her and brought her to her dialysis treatments when she was too ill to drive. Lyndsay and Chantelle took turns watching Sophia when needed and the times she did talk to her parents, were short. After the first round of treatments, she began to get some of her energy back and fe
el better. Combined with the medication she’d been prescribed, she was on the road to recovery.

  Carlos had to work a late night shift at the hospital and she sat on the couch looking at old photo albums. It had been just a week or so ago she’d learned that she was not the biological child of her parents and that her father had made some kind of deal with a man he didn’t know and there she was. It was all just so overwhelming, between the news of her birth and the news that she needed a transplant. Dr. McKeon suggested it would be wise to have all her relatives tested first, but did the doctor know her relatives were not exactly related by blood? Marissa hadn’t even told Sophia yet, although her curious daughter continuously asked what was wrong. She sensed it, knew something was off.

  Marissa sat flipping through photos of her mother holding her, her father playing peek-a-boo with her. They’d been great parents, treated her well, and raised her right. Gave her everything she ever wanted or needed. Maybe her birth mother hadn’t wanted her in the first place, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. All her life, this had been her family, they were her parents. Finding out they weren’t related by blood shouldn’t change anything. The phone ringing made her jump and clutch her chest, expelling a heavy breath. She answered and heard the soft voice of her mother.

  “Marissa, I know you’re still…upset. I just…we just need to talk to you. To know that you’re okay. Please know we both still love you.”

  Marissa closed her eyes and felt her eyes sting with tears. “I know Mom. I do. I love you both, too. I’m just…shocked I guess. I just…it’s all just so much.”

  “I know sweetheart. Your father, he…he thought he was doing the right thing. He never meant or wanted to hurt you. I was just as shocked as you but Marissa, you are my daughter. Blood doesn’t have to define relationships. I would never have it any other way.”

  The words her mother spoke touched her heart and deep down she knew she was right, blood didn’t define relationships. Not where it mattered. She couldn’t say anything or she’d break down in tears again.

  “Marissa, come over tonight. Have dinner with us, we can talk. Please?” Her mother’s voice was pleading and broke with emotion.

  Nodding, Marissa finally answered in a whisper. “Okay.”

  When she finally broke the news to Sophia, she had many questions, she couldn’t hide it from her. Not after everything that happened. She was shocked and sad, mainly because she thought they weren’t her real grandparents. Marissa had to reassure her that it didn’t matter, and in doing so she realized, maybe it didn’t. What hurt was the lies, the secret. Sophia insisted on going with her to see Marissa’s parents. She missed them and wanted to see them. To keep the familiar feeling around and not make things awkward, Marissa agreed.

  When her mother opened the door to greet her, they made eye contact for a minute before Marissa rushed into her mother’s arms.

  “I’m sorry...” Susanne held her daughter in her arms for the longest time, both crying. Mike’s voice broke through the moment and they both looked at him. He stood there in the doorway with his hands placed in his pockets, regret and sorrow written all over his face. Marissa pulled from her mother and stepped back to look at her father. Sophia looked between all of them and remained silent.

  “Glad you came,” he said weakly and she walked over and hugged his chest like she always did. He placed his hand on her back and rubbed gently, holding her to him. He kissed the top of her head and led them inside for dinner.

  It was silent for a few minutes as everyone sat and chewed. Sophia picked at her food and kept her head down. Marissa knew her daughter was struggling with all this news just as she was. “Were you ever going to tell me? If my health hadn’t gotten worse, I mean?” She had been asking herself this repeatedly, trying to understand her father’s reasoning for keeping it from her.

  He swallowed his food and cleared his throat. “Marissa, there were so many times I wanted to tell you. Your mother too. It’s just that every time I thought to do so, it wasn’t the right time.”

  “There is no right time, Dad. There never would have been.”

  “I realize that, but I’d been such a fool. A coward, even. I feared what it would do to your mother, to you. That you both would hate me.”

  “I could never hate you Dad. I’m just…confused. All I knew was a lie, everything.”

  Her mother spoke up in her soft voice. “That’s not true. Our love for you was no lie. You being our daughter in our hearts was no lie.”

  Marissa bit her bottom lip, realizing she’d upset her mother. “I’m sorry Mom, that’s…that’s not what I meant. I just mean growing up I thought I was your child and I’m not…not biologically I mean. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

  “You are Marissa Hayes, you are our daughter. You are Sophia’s mother. You are the sweetest woman, most compassionate and caring daughter, devoted mother.” Susanne said with such love in her voice. “Parents, biological or not, do not define who you are as a person.”

  Marissa reached out to touch her mother’s hand and smiled. “I know I’m all those things, I just…I don’t know. It’s a lot.”

  Her father nodded his head in agreement with both women. “I know it’s a lot. I should have said something a long time ago. The only thing I can ask for now, is for you to forgive me. Both of you. I cannot see my life without you both and I just want you to know I am truly sorry for hiding it from you both for so long.” Tears welled in his eyes as he spoke, he brought his fist to his mouth and shook his head as his last words choked him up. Marissa stood and went to hug her father again, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight for a while.

  After she sat back down, her mother reached for his hand and smiled. “I forgive you and I still love you. That hasn’t changed.”

  He wiped the tears that had fallen from his eyes and nodded, composing himself. It seemed the tension had cleared and everything seemed to go back to normal. They began to eat again, with occasional comments on how good it was. Seeing that the meal was homemade, Marissa assumed her father had done the cooking tonight. Sophia would join in the chatter and finally asked the questions that were bugging her. She was relieved that she could still call them Grandma and Grandpa, and that nothing would change that.

  “Oh, I almost forgot. I was going through some things and I found something. I think it would help you. That is…if you want to find your birth mother.” Susanne looked at Mike as he placed the folder on the table next to Marissa who looked between her parents and slowly picked up the folder.

  “Did Mom know about this?” she asked, looking worried. Her father nodded and took Susanne’s hand in his own. Taking a deep breath, Marissa opened the files and began to read the contract that had been signed by her father. The only other signature was by a man named Joseph Burrows.

  “Who is Joseph Burrows, Dad?” she asked, looking up at her father.

  “I guess that’s the man who approached me, but he never gave me his name. He just told me to sign the papers and receive a healthy baby. Never to ask questions or contact him. I assumed it was Joseph’s lawyer or something.”

  “So you never…saw or spoke to my birth mother?”

  He shook his head and sighed, “I’m afraid not, sorry sweetheart.”

  Marissa sighed and looked over the papers again, thinking.

  “We think…if you want to, you should…call him. Can’t hurt,” her mother chimed in and gave a reassuring smile.

  Lately Marissa’s health had been improving, and maybe she could make a trip out there to speak to him. “Tennessee isn’t that far away. Don’t you think a face-to-face meeting would be better?” she asked before closing the folder and looking up at her parents. Both exchanged a look and her mother seemed to struggle with an answer.

  “What about…well, your health? We wouldn’t possibly want to see you travel and get sick or something with no one there to help.”

  Thinking about her mother’s concern, she blurted out before giving it muc
h more thought. “Carlos can come with me, he’s a doctor and he could watch over me and make sure everything is good. I’m sure Dr. McKeon would sign off on that, if he’s with me.”

  “Have you asked him yet?”

  “Well…no. But I can. He said he would do anything he could to help. Maybe…this is it?”

  Her mother nodded and agreed with her. “Just…be careful and let us know when you plan to leave. We’ll keep Sophia for you, we don’t mind at all. If there is anything your father and I can do, please don’t hesitate to let us know.”

  Marissa nodded and took a deep breath. She’d have to ask Carlos if he’d do this for her, and to get a release or something from her doctor to be able to travel. Now for the oddest reason, she was nervous. Sophia smiled and looked eager to stay at the beach house again. She was also surprisingly supportive towards Marissa wanting to find her birth parents.

  Two days later Carlos had texted her that he’d be off for the next two days. Sophia had come back home since the dinner at her parents and she continued to read over the papers her father had given her. Still trying to decide what she should do, she hadn’t told Carlos about it yet. She was feeling better and it had been almost three weeks since she’d collapsed at school that day. Of course she couldn’t go back to work until she was cleared by Dr. McKeon. Grabbing her cell from the end table she went to text Carlos back.

  Can we talk?

  She sent it and hoped he didn’t think it was anything bad. Her phone vibrated and then rang, making her smile. “When I said talk I didn’t mean literally right now.” Laughing once, she shook her head and listened.