It's All in Your Mind

by Ann Herrick

  We finished the Landers' lawn and moved on to the Parton's yard. There Papa mowed and I trimmed the hedge. It was one of the smaller ones, because Mr. Parton "liked to see what was going on." When we finished, we loaded the equipment into the truck. Papa closed the tailgate, but then, instead of getting in the truck, just stood there. He was sweating heavily and his breath came in short gasps.

  "Papa, are you all right?"

  "I-I'll be okay. I just feel a little dizzy, and my stomach is upset. I must have gulped my last cup of lemonade too quickly."

  "Maybe we should sit a moment in the shade."

  "No, no. I ... I feel fine now." Papa walked to the front of the truck and climbed in.

  I got into my side and locked the door, trying to look at Papa without him knowing. He did look a little better, but I was still worried. "Maybe we should go home for a while."

  "No, no," Papa said, as he checked the rear-view mirror before he started backing up. "We have only one more yard in this neighborhood, and then we can go home for some lunch, and you can take off for the rest of the day."

  "Papa, I can work this afternoon. I don't mind."

  "No." Papa waved off my concern. "This afternoon the work is not so hard. And you have to babysit tonight. You'll need your energy for those Kukk boys!"

  "I can't argue with that," I said. Even though they had an early bed-time, in that hour before bed they were at their most rambunctious, as if they couldn't bear to give up play time for something as tiresome as sleep.

  It was just a short drive to the Pierson's house. It stood on a ribbon of land that jutted out into Long Island Sound, regal and solitary and proud. Here the sun danced across the water and touched rocks that stood guard along the shore. While Papa mowed, I pulled weeds. Before too long we were done and heading back home. Papa seemed to be breathing easier, and I decided he'd just pushed himself a bit too hard for such a hot day.

  When we got home from lunch, there was no sign of Karl, or his car, so I would not have any wheels that afternoon.

  "Karl and Caprice, they went to the Durham Fair," Mama said. "They'll be gone all day, but they'll be back for supper."

  I did not feel as happy as Mama sounded at the idea of Caprice being here for supper, but I tried not to show it.

  "Just fruit and cheese and Salskabmaize," Mama said. "And this may show up on the supper table too. It's too hot to cook!" If Mama would serve such a simple meal to Caprice, it meant she thought of her as family. Sometimes I thought Mama was much too anxious to see her offspring paired off!

  After lunch, Papa asked Mama to rub his neck and shoulders. "They ache so."

  Mama stood in back of Papa's chair and massaged him with her small-but-capable hands. "Ah, that's much better," Papa said. He went off to work looking relaxed and refreshed.

  I helped Mama with the dishes, and later we hung up some laundry. Mama worked on a tablecloth she was crocheting as a wedding gift for a second cousin who had settled in Rhode Island. I decided a nice long bubble bath would be a good way to while away the afternoon.

  As I waited for the tub to fill, I looked through my assorted bottles of bubble bath. Rose? Gardenia? Lilac? I chose rose. I put in enough to make mountains of bubbles. Then I stripped down and piled my hair on top of my head, knotting a small scarf around it the way I'd seen an actress doing as she posed in a bubble bath, extra bubbles mounded around her chest so she would look provocative and yet not exposed.

  I stepped into the warm water and slid down until I was up to my shoulders in water and bubbles. I gathered bubbles around my breasts and posed with one hand raised and a bubble resting on the tip of my index finger, just as the actress had done in the photo. I imagined Nolan gazing at me, spellbound. I wanted a sexier pose. I pushed the bubbles away and arched my back so that my breasts peeked out of the water, looking smooth as milky quartz. I felt myself glow pink with a mix of excitement and shame.

  The phone rang, and I immediately covered myself with bubbles, even though Mama was downstairs and the bathroom door was locked. But Mama did not come upstairs, so the call must not have been for me. I was so embarrassed at even the idea of being caught posing the way I had that I quickly finished my bath, and dressed in tapered pants and a peppermint-striped blouse.

  I decided it was cooler outside in the shade than cooped up in the house, so I settled myself in the hammock and thumbed through an old copy of Ingenue magazine. The fashions or the hairstyles didn't interest me as much as the models themselves. It wasn't just that they were beautiful and wore the latest clothes; it was the looks of confidence on their faces. I worried that I could read "The Thirty-nine Ways to Look Pretty," "The Best Clothes for Your Shape," and "The Guide to Perfect Hair" over and over and still not look, feel, or behave as perfectly as those girls in the pages of the magazine.

  I closed my eyes, and I must've dropped off into a pretty heavy sleep because the next thing I knew I felt the hammock swaying. I opened my eyes and saw Karl grinning down on me as he pushed the hammock higher. I shrieked and quickly sat up, planting my feet on the ground before he could tip me over.

  It was then I noticed Caprice standing nearby in a dress as creamy and yellow as butter. Her smile was demure, like that of a girl meeting her boyfriend's sister for the first time. She looked at me through her thick eyelashes as if she were bursting to tell me something.

  "Hi," I said to both of them in general and neither one in particular. "What's up?"

  "Well ... now that you ask." Karl reached over, took Caprice's left hand, and held it up for me to see. There, on her third finger, was a slender gold band with a tiny red stone.

  While it was not a big, flashy "diamond" like the one Nolan had won for me at the fair, I was sure it was fairly significant. I wasn't sure, however, I wanted know the details. "It's, um, very pretty."

  "Thank you." Caprice's cheeks turned a dusky rose. Had this pastel version of her lurked beneath the surface of her always-in-black persona of the past couple of years, I wondered, or was this all for Karl's benefit? She knew the kind of girls he'd always dated, and she now looked just like one of them.

  Caprice and Karl lowered their hands to their sides, but their fingers laced together. "It's a promise ring," Karl said.

  "A promise ring?" I had a feeling I knew what that was, but I waited for him to tell me.

  "A promise that we'll wait for each other."

  "Oh. My. This is so sudden." I felt as if I were quoting something out of a Jane Austen novel, or maybe War and Peace. I wondered if I should say congratulations, and finally I did.

  "Thanks!" Karl gave me a big hug, lifted me off the ground, and swirled me around.

  When my feet finally felt the earth again, I managed to mumble, "I'm so happy for you," to Caprice. If nothing else, I was polite.

  "Oh, thank you." Caprice gave me a big hug too, but fortunately for both of us she didn't try to lift me.

  Next thing I knew, Papa was home and Mama was herding us all inside for "a light supper." Karl waited until we were sitting down and eating before he announced his news to Mama and Papa. If I'd been expecting them to react as if Karl and/or Caprice were way too young for her to be wearing a promise ring, I would have been wrong.

  Mama clasped her hands to her chest with joy and Papa slapped Karl on the back. "This calls for some birch champagne!" Papa exclaimed. He jumped up and pulled a jug out of the refrigerator.

  "Wait!" Mama commanded. She rushed into the dining room and came out with a tray holding five cut-crystal glasses that were part of a set of eight she'd managed to carry safely all the way from Latvia. They had been her mother's and one day they would be mine. Unless, it suddenly occurred to me, they were handed down to Caprice instead.

  It was a contrast watching the birch champagne being poured from the big brown jug into the delicate crystal glasses. I wondered how much Papa would pour for me and Caprice. A tiny taste was the most I'd ever had before. But tonight Papa poured a half a glass for me, the same for Caprice. He and Mama an
d Karl qualified for full glasses.

  When he was finished pouring, Papa said, "A toast!"

  We all raised our glasses.

  "Prieka!" Papa said. "To your health," he explained to Caprice. "And to Karl and Caprice, and a safe journey forth and back for Karl!"

  We clinked our glasses. I noticed that Karl and Caprice had eyes only for each other. How long, I wondered, had they been thinking of each other this way? For Caprice, maybe it was ever since she met him. Maybe her interest had never been sisterly. She had always been exceptionally pretty, even at eleven. Maybe Karl took notice of her as more than just his kid sister's friend. For now, no one was saying. Maybe some day they would. If they didn't, I would ask!

  After supper, Mama pulled out the family photo album to show to Caprice. I was glad I had a ready-made excuse to leave. I made a point of looking at my watch. "Oh, it's time for me to go over to Mrs. Kukk's house."

  Everyone had barely said their goodbyes, when Karl and Caprice nestled close to Mama, and to each other, to look through the photo album.

  I stepped out in the sultry air and took my time walking. There was a strange silence. The birds did not chirp. Even the crickets were quiet. Only the occasional swirl of water from a sprinkler hitting a shrub or splatting on the sidewalk broke the stillness.

  When I got to the house, Mrs. Kukk seemed exceedingly glad to see me. "Vija, thank you so much for coming! The boys are out in the back yard! I have to hurry! I should be home no later than ten!" She climbed in the car, then stuck her head out the window. "The phone number of where I'll be is on the kitchen counter."

  I went inside just to make sure I would find the number on the counter. It was there, right next to the stove. I went out the back door to the yard, and was greeted by shouts. "Vija, look! We're playing with our hula hoops!" The boys held them up for me to inspect. Brendan's was red, Daniel's was blue, and Stephan's was white. I remembered when they got them last summer, and played with them every day for months before they lost interest. It was nice to see them playing with them again as if they were new. "See what we can do!"

  They tossed the hula hoops out in front of them with enough backspin so that they rolled right back.

  "Very good!" For the next ten minutes, I applauded every toss and every return.

  "Now watch!" All three stepped into their hula hoops and swiveled their hips so that the hula hoops went round and round their waists. Their faces were pink and shiny with sweat and pride.

  "Now you do it , Vija!" Stephan thrust his white hula hoop at me.

  "It's too hot," I said. "And I'm not sure I remember how."

  "It's not too hot!" Daniel said.

  "You remember," said Brendan. "You can do it."

  I could see they were not going to rest until I tried. The first couple of times the hula hoop slipped quickly from my waist down to my ankles. But then I got into the rhythm. Success!

  "Yay!"

  "Look at Vija!"

  "Wow! Let's count how many times she can make it go around."

  I probably could have gone on considerably longer, but by the time they counted to fifty I was roasting. I slowed down my swivel and let the hula hoop gently spin to the ground.

  "Aw-w-w-w," Stephan moaned.

  "Do it again!" Brendan said.

  "Boys, I'm too pooped to pop. Besides, you need to go in and take a bath, and then I'll read to you."

  The boys actually liked baths, so they raced inside. Of course, they all used the tub at once, and by the time they splashed each other, raced their little plastic boats, and tried to sink the Ivory Soap, the bathroom was a total mess. I cleaned up while they got into their pajamas and climbed into their beds. They shared one big room. I remembered when it was an unfinished attic that Mr. Kukk, with Papa's help, turned into a bedroom with built-in beds, dressers, and window seats.

  The boys all climbed into Brendan's bed while I chose a book to read to them. It was no surprise when I picked Misty of Chincoteague, because I always selected a story about horses. But the boys were thrilled. They always were.

  As I read the story of Paul and his sister Maureen's determination to have a pony from the herd on Chincoteague Island, the boys were as quiet as butterflies. Soon they were nodding off. I nudged Daniel and Stephan to their own beds. All three boys were asleep by the time I turned out the light and tiptoed out of the room.

  The house was clean and tidy, so I didn't feel as if I had to do any housework. I decided to watch television. Father Knows Best was on. I liked the show, especially the oldest daughter, Betty. I thought her brother Bud was cute, but I wished they'd let the younger sister, Kathy, grow up a little bit. She was getting too old for ponytails and smocked dresses with puffy sleeves.

  A few minutes into the show, the doorbell rang. I turned off the television and hurried to the door. I knew better than to open the door to a stranger, so I peeked out a window first. It was Nolan!

  I opened the door. "What on earth—"

  "You told me you'd be babysitting for Mrs. Kukk. I just looked up the name in the phone book, and here I am."

  "Oh!" Beyond that, I was speechless.

  "Aren't you going to ask me in?" Before I could answer, he stepped inside, closed the door behind him, and put his arms around me.

  "Nolan, I think—" My words were smothered by his lips. My knees went weak from the warm sweetness of his mouth and my fear that the boys would come tumbling down the stairs and see us.

  "Let's go in there and sit down," Nolan said, indicating the sofa in the living room.

  "Oh. Um. Wait!"

  "Why?" Nolan raised an eyebrow.

  "Because ... because I have something for you in the kitchen. In my purse. My purse is in the kitchen." I was rambling, but I couldn't help it.

  "How did you guess that I'd show up here?"

  "I ... I didn't. I just ... put something in my purse so I'd have it the next time I saw you." I grabbed his hand and led him into the kitchen. I dug my wallet out of my purse, and pulled out my picture. "I ... I hope you like it."

  "Cute. Thanks." Nolan stuck the picture in his shirt pocket. "Next time, how 'bout a sexy pose in a swimsuit?" He gathered me into his arms and held me snugly. "Now then, where were we?"

  Before I could say a word, he covered my mouth with a kiss. It sent my stomach into a wild swirl, but fear twisted around my heart. What if someone caught us here? I would be grounded until the next century!

  Suddenly, the doorbell rang!

  Oh, no! What if it was Mrs. Kukk? Maybe she forgot her key! Or maybe a snoopy neighbor had seen Nolan come in the house. I pulled away from Nolan. "Quick! Go! Out the back door!"

  Nolan shook his head. "I'm not going to run away. I went out of my way to come see you tonight."

  "At least hide," I whispered, as the doorbell rang a second time. "Duck behind the kitchen counter!"

  "Oh, all right," Nolan said, but his nose wrinkled up in disgust.

  I tried to swallow a dry lump in my throat as I tiptoed to the front window to peek out. Oh, let it be a door-to-door salesman, someone I could easily get rid of! I peeped through the curtains. It was Elga, Mrs. Kukk's assistant at the store. What on earth could she want?

  I opened the door, stepped onto the front step, and pulled the door until it was almost closed behind me. "Elga! Hi! I'm babysitting! How can I help you?" I knew I sounded frantic, but I couldn't help it.

  "This is for Mrs. Kukk," Elga said, her voice showing no sign of suspicion as she handed me two ledgers. "I stayed a little late doing some bookkeeping and inventory at the store, and I know Mrs. Kukk is anxious to take a look at it. She's taking the boys into New Haven to the Peabody Museum tomorrow, so she asked me to drop these off here so she wouldn't have to stop at the store with the boys."

  "Oh! Thank you! How nice of you!" Now please leave!

  "It was no trouble. It's on my way home. I would have brought them around earlier, but I went out for a pizza after work with some friends and we got to gabbing." Elga let out a gen
tle laugh. "You know how that is."

  "Yes! Yes! I know how that is! Thank you! For the ledgers!" I took a step back, hoping she would take the hint.

  "Well, you must have your hands full with the boys," Elga said. "Goodnight."

  "Goodnight!" Waves of acid crashed in my stomach. I placed the ledgers on the hall table so I'd be sure to mention them to Mrs. Kukk, and I hurried into the kitchen. "Nolan?"

  "Boo!" He popped up from behind the counter.

  "Eeek!" I almost jumped out of my clothes. "Nolan, don't scare me like that."

  "I didn't scare you." Nolan walked out from behind the counter. "I have better things in mind." He put his arm firmly around my waist and wound a hand in my hair. "Let's see, before that doorbell rang, we were headed for the sofa."

  I drew back and leaned against the kitchen wall. "Nolan. Please. You must go."

  He shot a cold look at me. "It's bad enough you wanted me to hide behind the counter. Now you want me to leave? You should know I was careful. You should know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

  "I-I-I ...." I tried to control my confused emotions. "Nolan. Please." I reached out and touched his arm. He didn't pull it away. "If I got caught with you here, I'd be in so much trouble. I wouldn't be able to see you for the longest time."

  Nolan rolled his eyes. But then he smiled and patted my shoulder. "I wouldn't want to get my woman in trouble." He pulled me close, and I let myself rest my cheek against his chest. For just that moment I didn't care what happened. Nolan brushed a gentle kiss across my forehead, then brought his lips down to my mouth. He slid one hand down my shoulder and ran it lightly over my breast. I felt a warm, scary glow.

  Nolan pulled away. "I'd better go."

  I couldn't move. I knew he should go. I wanted him to go. And yet, I didn't want him to.

  Nolan pushed a tendril of hair off my face. "I'll call."

  He kissed me again. The warmth of his lips lingered on mine as I whispered, "Goodbye."

  He slipped out the back door, into the shadows. A minute or so later, I heard the sound of his motorcycle. I realized now I hadn't heard it when he arrived, and hadn't seen it in the street. He must have parked a block or so away. It made my heart sing to know he had been careful.