It's All in Your Mind

by Ann Herrick

  I tried to watch television, but I couldn't sit still. Though the house was clean and tidy, I did a little dusting anyway, humming as I worked. I realized now that Nolan had wanted so much to see me that he had actually gone to the trouble of tracking me down. He couldn't have known that his presence here would be a problem for me. It's no wonder he didn't understand when I asked him to hide. But he did hide, even though doing so embarrassed him. He did it for me.

  Mrs. Kukk got home a little before ten. She was happy to see the ledgers that Elga had brought over. "Oh, good, I can look at them tonight."

  She paid me and, and then the phone rang. "It's for you, Vija." Mrs. Kukk's brow wrinkled with concern.

  Was it Nolan? I would have to careful what I said. "Hello?"

  "Vija, it's Karl. We're at the hospital. Papa had a heart attack."

  Chapter Eight

  I stared at the wall. "Papa?"

  "I didn't want you to come home to an empty house and not know what was happening."

  "Oh, no! Is he—?"

  "We haven't heard anything yet. I'll call you again when there's some news."

  "I-I'll be home in a few minutes. You can call me there."

  "Okay. I have to go be with Mama."

  The instant I hung up Mrs. Kukk asked what was wrong. I quickly explained.

  "I'll drive you to the hospital!"

  "No, no, you can't leave the boys, and it would be too much to take them. I ... I'll just run home."

  I stepped out into the purple dusk and hurried down the front walk.

  "I'll say a prayer," Mrs. Kukk called after me.

  I started running. Just like in a nightmare my legs pumped up and down like pistons, but I felt as if I were not getting anywhere. What was a short stroll on the way over seemed like miles now. I decided not to go all the way to the end of the block. If I crossed now, I could cut through Mr. Yacko's yard. Just as I dashed into the street, a car whizzed around the corner. It screeched to a halt just a few inches from me.

  "Vija?" I heard the driver say. It was Joel.

  "In hurry ... my Papa ... I have to—"

  "Hop in!" Joel opened the passenger door.

  I jumped inside and quickly told Joel about Papa. We were almost to my house when Joel said, "Why don't I just take you to the hospital?"

  "Oh, Joel I couldn't ask you to—would you?"

  "We're on our way." He turned around in our driveway and headed for Central Hospital. Though it took only minutes, it felt like hours. Joel kept telling me everything would be all right, everything would be all right. I tried to believe him, as I clasped and unclasped my hands. When we got there he pulled up to the door. "You go on in. I'll park the car and find you."

  "Thanks!" I rushed inside to the front desk. "My Papa. Aivars Skable. I must see him!"

  "Just a moment," the woman in a green and white smock said with crisp authority. She checked a clipboard. "He's in CCU. Third floor west." She pointed down the hall. "Take the second elevator and stop at the desk on that floor."

  "Thank you!" I flew down the hall and pressed the elevator button. I could see the hand above the door moving from the fourth floor to the third to the second, and, finally, to the first. There was a delay, and finally the door opened. One person got off. I dashed in and pressed 3. The door closed, ever-so-slowly. I grasped the rail on the back wall. I hated elevators. I was always sure they would get stuck and I would be trapped. I checked for an alarm button and a phone box. They were there, right where they were supposed to be.

  The elevator slid past the second floor. When it finally rose to the third floor there was a ding and what seemed like an interminable wait before the doors opened. I zipped out into the hall and looked for the desk. It was just to my left.

  "Hello, I'm looking for Aivars Skable!" I tried to shake the fearful images forming in my mind.

  The nurse at the desk looked through some files. "The doctors are with him. It will be a while. You may take a seat over there." She pointed to a grouping of chairs around a small table, and there were Mama and Karl—and Caprice.

  I hurried over. "How is Papa?"

  "Vija!" Mama flew out of her chair and hugged me. "We don't know. We've heard nothing!" She trembled. Her face was pale.

  "Let's sit, Mama." I guided her back to her seat and took one across from her. Though I wasn't sure I could sit still, I thought it would be better for Mama if we all tried to stay calm.

  "How did you get here so quickly?" Karl asked.

  "Joel drove me." I'd almost forgotten about Joel. "He-he's parking his car."

  "Everything will be okay, Vija." Caprice reached over and patted my hand. "You'll see. Your father will be fine."

  "Yes. Thank you. Of course he will." I hoped for Mama's sake that I sounded more confident than I felt.

  After that, we waited in silence until Joel showed up, the rims of two cups in each hand pinched between his thumbs and index fingers. He held them out for us to take. "Here, I thought you might need something to drink, so I got some soda from a machine I found on the first floor."

  I took a cup and gulped at it. I hadn't realized how dry my throat was. When I was done with the soda, I sucked on some of the ice. It was then I noticed that Joel hadn't gotten any soda for himself. Maybe he didn't want any. Or maybe he hadn't counted on Caprice being there any more than I had. But seeing the darts of worry in her eyes for Mama and Karl and me, I understood that she was part of the family now. Maybe she always had been, from the first day I brought her to our house. I guess I would get used to that.

  Off and on, we made attempts at small talk. But mostly there was a disquieting silence. Without anyone asking, Joel made several trips to the soda machine. The soda not only soothed our dry lips, it gave us something to do.

  Finally, I saw a doctor coming down the hall. He headed straight to Mama. She stood, her back straight and stiff as a rake, bracing herself for the news.

  The doctor's voice sounded calm, reassuring. I didn't understand everything he said, but he did indicate that the heart attack was not severe or prolonged. Mama flinched when the doctor said that many patients died within the first few minutes after the onset of symptoms. The doctor took her hand and explained that thereafter each hour, each day the chances for a good recovery increased. He squeezed Mama's hand. "That's good news for your husband."

  Mama allowed herself a small smile.

  "If there are no complications in the next three weeks, healing should be almost complete in six weeks."

  Mama flinched when the doctor said "complications" but she looked hopeful. There was more information, but the blood pounding in my brain drowned it out. I was wondering about Papa's customers. They'd understand for a few days. But after that? I couldn't let Papa lose his business. I would have to do the work.

  The doctor said we all could see Papa tomorrow during regular visiting hours, but Mama was allowed a few minutes with him. When she came out of the room she looked tired, and older. "He's so pale."

  Karl put his arm around Mama. "I'll bet he'll look better by the time we visit him tomorrow."

  There was nothing more we could do but go home and pray, and see what tomorrow would bring. Joel offered to drive me back to the house. I shook my head. "Thank you, but you've done so much already. I can ride home with Karl."

  "Just call if you need anything," Joel said. "I'll be there in a flash."

  I nodded, suddenly feeling too tired and numb to speak.

  "And take care of yourself." Joel lifted my chin, so I would have to look him in the eyes. "Promise?"

  Again I nodded, but this time I managed a small smile too.

  On the way home, Mama sat up front with Karl, Caprice and I together in back. The ride was stone silent until Karl stopped at Caprice's house. It looked like a black hole in the neighborhood, not a single light of welcome. "I guess my mother is 'out,'" Caprice said, anger clinging to the edge of her voice.

  "C'mon," Karl said. "I'll walk you to the door."

  Capric
e mumbled goodnight to me and Mama as Karl held the door open for her. Their figures were nothing but shadowy outlines that almost disappeared by the time they reached the house. If they kissed, I didn't see it. I reached into the front seat and rested my hand on Mama's shoulder. It was so quiet. I could almost hear a tear slide down her cheek as she touched my fingers.

  A light went on inside Caprice's house, and a minute later Karl was back and driving us home. When we got there, I thought Mama might want to talk, but she kissed me and Karl goodnight and went right to her room.

  "She needs her rest," Karl said. He ran his hand up his forehead and across his short Navy haircut. "How can I go half way around the world with Papa in the hospital?"

  "Papa will be all right," I said. "The doctor all but said so. I know Mama is worried, but she's strong." I paused, then said, "And I'm here."

  "Yes," Karl said. "You are here."

  "I'm going to help Mama, and I'm going to take over Papa's work until he's well enough to do it."

  Karl studied me for a moment. "I believe you will. And I can help you this week."

  "No. You have such a short time before you have to go. Besides, Mama needs you with her. I'll be fine." I cleared my throat. "I think I'm beginning to understand what Caprice sees in you." I had to joke, otherwise my voice would crack.

  "And I'm starting to understand what she sees in you," Karl kidded back. He kissed my forehead. "It's been a long night. I'll see you in the morning."

  Once in my room, I debated with myself over whether or not to call Nolan. It was late, but I wanted to tell him about Papa. Nolan was a night-owl, so he would probably still be awake. I decided to call. If he didn't answer by the third ring, I would just hang up.

  I dialed, hesitating before completing the last number. A shock flew through my finger—the line was busy. Okay ... maybe someone called for a last-minute gig. I waited a couple minutes and tried again. Busy. Again. Busy. Again. Busy. After forty-five minutes, I gave up. Who would Nolan be talking to for so long? Sarah, Danielle, Elizabeth, or some other voice from the past? Or maybe a bronze-haired beauty spilling out of her bikini, a girl he'd met at the beach?

  How dare he be on the phone when I needed to talk to him about Papa! How dare he be on the phone with another girl at all! I grabbed a pillow and slammed it into the mattress. How dare he! My mouth felt like dry paper.

  After what must have been a few minutes, I realized I was sitting there, frozen, my fingers still clutching the pillow. This was doing nobody any good. I needed to get to sleep, or at least try. I had so much to do tomorrow. Chewing out Nolan would just have to wait.

  Chapter Nine

  Though I turned and tossed and kicked the blankets on the floor, I must have gotten some sleep because I flew almost to the ceiling when my alarm clock went off. But I felt like a dead battery. It took great concentration to charge myself up enough to climb out of bed.

  As I pulled on my clothes, I realized I didn't even know yet where I'd be working. I hated to bother Mama, but I would have to check with her. I decided I would make breakfast, but when I got downstairs she had already baked a loaf of fresh saldskabmaize. Karl was seated at the kitchen table. He reminded me of Papa, the way he slathered a slab of the sweet-sour rye bread with poppy butter.

  "Mmm, smells good," I said as I sat down.

  Mama looked over from the stove, where she was frying eggs. Her face had that all-business look, like when she was doing the bookkeeping. "Vija, you're wearing those clothes to the hospital?"

  "I have to, Mama. I'll visit Papa, but then I have to go to work. Whose yards was Papa supposed to do today?"

  Mama slid the spatula under an egg. It popped and crackled as she turned it over. For a moment, she didn't say anything. I heard her take a deep breath, then let it out in slow, shaky spurts. She turned around. I could see her blinking back tears. "You have a good breakfast first. Then I'll get out the schedule for you."

  "Thanks." I decided the best thing I could do for Mama was to eat a hearty breakfast, and try to act as normal as possible. I was pleased that she didn't try to talk me out of taking over for Papa. It would ease that worry for her, and for Papa.

  Karl drove Mama to the hospital, and I followed in the truck. Papa was allowed only two visitors at a time. Mama told me to go first, since I had work to do. I tiptoed into the room. Papa looked so still and pale, but he smiled when he saw me.

  "You look as if you are working today," Papa said.

  "I am." I squeezed Papa's hand.

  "Be sure to drink plenty of lemonade," Papa said. "And work in the shade as much as you can when the sun is hottest."

  "I will." I was glad that Mama and Papa trusted me to do the job.

  Papa gave me a few reminders about each yard, and then I left. Mama erased the look of worry from her face just before she and Karl went in to see Papa.

  All the homes I had to tend to were in Chatfield. I was glad. The yards were smaller, fewer people had hedges, and the customers were not as picky as those in Monroe. The Chatfield customers were mostly older people who were grateful there was somebody affordable to do their yard work for them.

  I wasn't used to working by myself. I found that, though the morning was cool, even the easiest job seemed harder and took longer than when I helped Papa. I had to take more breaks. Fortunately, it wasn't a problem. In Chatfield it seemed as if all I had to do was stop to wipe my brow and someone would emerge from the house with a glass of lemonade or ice water for me.

  It was past one o'clock when I realized I had not stopped for lunch. I hadn't packed a sandwich because I was so close to home. By the time I got there, Mama and Karl had finished eating. Karl was on his way out the door to see if he could catch Caprice on a break at Shopsave.

  "Good news," Karl said. "The doctors said Papa is doing much better today. They sounded very optimistic."

  "That's great!" I was glad for Papa, and for Mama. But I was also glad for myself. I didn't mind helping out for a few weeks. But I knew I would not want to have to drop out school to take over Papa's work permanently. I felt a little bit selfish, thinking that way. But, I told myself, Mama and Papa would not want that for me either. They were proud when Karl joined the Navy, but they wanted me to go to college. And if Karl did not decide to re-enlist in the Navy, I know they would want him to go to college too some day.

  After relaxing at home for lunch, and seeing that Mama was optimistic about Papa's condition, I went back to work with renewed energy. The tasks seemed to get easier as I went along. Customers asked about Papa, but, Chatfield being the small town it was, most people already knew he was in the hospital, and they offered their best wishes.

  The only problem with things going smoothly was that it gave me too much time to think about Nolan. I used the small hand clippers on the azaleas in Mr. Platt's yard. With each snip I pictured another swath of Nolan's dark curls falling to the ground until he was bald. Snip. How dare he! Snip. I wasn't going to ignore it. Snip. It was one thing to eyeball every pretty girl in sight. Snip. It was another to talk to one of them for half the night! Snip.

  I started planning exactly how I was going to tell him off. I outlined a rough draft in my mind of what I was going to say. I wasn't going to accuse of him of anything. Not at first. I'd start off just mentioning that I'd tried to call him, but the line was busy. He'd probably tell me he was on the phone for only a couple minutes. Then I'd let him have it. I'd tell him I tried to call him for forty-five minutes. See if he could worm his way out of that! Oh, he would try to make some excuse. But I would have none of it. Then he would apologize. He'd tell me how that girl meant nothing to him. He would promise to make it up to me. I'd tell him I'd think about it.

  I looked down at Mr. Platt's azaleas. He liked them trimmed just a little. Mrs. Platt always wanted them more shaped. Well, they certainly were shaped now. I tried to fluff up the branches a little, so they'd look casual, as if they didn't care. Maybe that way both Mr. and Mrs. Platt would be happy. I hoped so.
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br />   I decided I'd better keep my mind on my work for the rest of the afternoon. Two lawns, a small hedge, and some serious weeding of Mrs. Buell's flower bed later, and I was done for the day. Though I was tired, I decided to stop at Shopsave and see if I could talk to Caprice.

  Caprice was checking, but said she had a break coming up in a few minutes. I leafed through some magazines, and read that Elizabeth Taylor signed a contract to play Cleopatra. She'd get a million dollars! With that news lingering in my mind, I met Caprice out back. Instead of a cigarette, she had a cup of coffee.

  "I see Karl is a good influence on you," I teased.

  "I hope I can keep it up," Caprice said. "I had a late lunch hour and went with Karl and your mother to visit your father. He's ready to leave the hospital already." She chuckled. "The nurses say he doesn't want to stay in bed."

  "Maybe that's a good sign."

  "I think so. He said he doesn't like being 'fussed over.'"

  "That sounds like Papa."

  "Yes." Caprice sipped her coffee. Then she looked at me as if she wanted to say something. Finally, she did. "The first time I saw Karl my heart almost popped out of my chest. I didn't know what to do about it then. When I was fourteen, I decided it was time to make an all-out effort to make him my boyfriend." Caprice took another sip of coffee.

  "I waited for him outside the locker room after soccer practice one day and practically tackled him. I poured my heart out to him. Can you believe that?" Caprice arched an eyebrow. "I went on and on about how I loved him, and I was old enough to be his girlfriend. I didn't hold anything back." She forced a small laugh, but a blush crept into her cheeks.

  "For what seemed forever Karl didn't say a word. Finally he reached into his pocket, pulled out a dime, and handed it to me. He told me to call him when I was 'grown up.' I was so insulted I vowed to never speak to him again."

  I wondered why she was telling me all this now. But I didn't say anything. I just waited.