Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  Josh raised an eyebrow and Holly felt trapped. ‘We didn’t rule anything out for sure, David. I know your mother would prefer summer but she’s not the one getting married.’

  The room fell silent again and Holly knew David was fuming with her. But she didn’t care. She probably didn’t have to let their visitors know it too, but she hadn’t known what else to say.

  ‘So what about you two?’ Holly said eventually, not able to bear the silence any more. ‘Any plans for a wedding?’

  A look passed between them and Holly immediately sensed she’d said the wrong thing. Again. So she tried to recover the situation. ‘But I suppose you’re way too busy planning for this baby without thinking about a wedding too.’

  ‘Josh’s not really keen,’ said Stephanie, her voice clipped. ‘He thinks we’re fine just the way we are.’

  ‘Hang on, Steph,’ he said, glaring at her. ‘That’s not exactly true.’

  ‘Come on, Josh. We’ve been together seven years and you haven’t proposed. I doubt you’re going to do it at this stage.’

  Holly was mortified for her. For them. They were just staring at each other and the tension in the room was palpable. Holly glanced at David, who shrugged, and she suddenly wanted to giggle.

  ‘To be honest,’ said Josh, looking from Holly to David. ‘The time has just never been right. And as you say, we have a lot on at the moment and we’re concentrating on the baby.’

  Stephanie gave a little harrumph and Holly’s urge to laugh increased.

  ‘Nuts,’ said David suddenly. ‘I knew I forgot something. Holly, will you pour the wine there and I’ll go and get some. Nobody’s allergic, I assume?’

  Both guests shook their heads and David clapped his hands together as though it was a triumph. Holly noticed a look pass between the couple and wished she knew what it meant. Were they bored by her and David? Making fun of them? Did they have some secret code to indicate it was time to go home? She and Josh used to have secret codes for everything. They’d had this strange ability to read each other’s eyes. Holly noticed Josh looking at her and suddenly became self-conscious. What if he could still read her eyes? If he could tell what she was thinking?

  ‘So how’s your sister these days, Holly?’

  ‘Carina is great, thanks. And so are Jason and the two girls.’

  ‘Two! She had another baby?’

  ‘Yes. She had Lilly a couple of years after … after …’ Holly realised what she was about to say, so she faked a cough to cover it up, ‘… after Elaina. There’s just two and a half years between them.’

  He nodded. ‘She was born to have children. I remember her with Elaina and she was a great mother. Tell her I was asking for her.’

  ‘So do you think you’ll have children?’ said Stephanie, sliding in a little closer to Josh.

  Holly didn’t know what to say but thankfully Josh chimed in. ‘That’s a very personal question, Steph.’

  She glared at him. ‘Well, she asked about us getting married. So fair’s fair.’

  ‘It’s not exactly the same –’

  ‘It’s okay, Josh.’ Holly didn’t want them to have another row. ‘We’ve no plans for children yet, Stephanie. We’ll just see how things go over the next couple of years.’

  ‘You shouldn’t wait too long,’ she said, smugly rubbing her baby bump, ‘or you’ll be too old to do all the fun stuff with them. I’m glad I’m having this little one while I’m still in my twenties.’

  Her twenties. So Holly was right. She was definitely at least three years younger than Josh. And she acted like a precocious teen. At least he looked sufficiently mortified by her behaviour. But Holly decided to rise above her immaturity and just be nice.

  ‘So do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl?’ Holly smiled sweetly at them.

  Josh shook his head. ‘I don’t want to know but Steph does and she’s trying to talk me into finding out.’

  ‘Oh, but wouldn’t it be great to know the sex of the baby?’ she said, taking his hand and placing it on her stomach. ‘We could be so well prepared rather than just having generic clothes and stuff.’

  It was just a quick glance, but Holly caught it. Josh was thinking about her too. Holly had often wondered if he did, and that glance had told her everything she needed to know. Holly thought about him all the time, but she knew that men tended to handle things differently. They tended to push stuff out of their minds so they wouldn’t have to deal with their emotions. But Holly should have known. Josh had never been like that. He’d always been able to show his emotions and that was one of the things she loved about him. Used to love.

  ‘Here we go,’ said David, proudly wheeling the hostess trolley into the room.

  Holly was mortified but David was oblivious. Josh and Stephanie probably thought they were so old-fashioned. She noticed a smirk form on Josh’s lips and she knew he was thinking about making a smart comment.

  ‘Nice trolley,’ he said, winking at Holly. ‘Isn’t it the same as the one Mrs Doyle has on Father Ted?’

  ‘You could be right there,’ said David, completely missing the sarcasm. ‘Handy little yokes, they are.’

  Somehow that lightened the mood and Holly felt a sudden rush of love for David. He may have had his flaws, but he had so many good points too. He had an ability to steer an awkward situation back to safe ground and that’s exactly what he’d done just now. The conversation began to flow more easily and the four of them continued to chat animatedly about lots of things. Stephanie told them about her shampoo ad and some of the other high-profile jobs she’d done and Josh seemed happy to let her take centre stage. Holly hadn’t warmed to her exactly, but there was something fascinating about her. Maybe it was because she was with Josh. Holly was interested to find out more about the woman who’d managed to snare Josh O’Toole. What was it about her that kept him interested, made him want to spend the rest of his life with her? What did she have that Holly had obviously lacked thirteen years ago?

  It was fairly late when they finally stood up to leave. They all kissed each other politely on the cheek but when Holly felt Josh’s breath against her skin, her legs turned to jelly. What the hell was wrong with her? They walked to the door and David put his arm around Holly, as their new neighbours stepped out into the cold.

  ‘Thanks again for a lovely evening,’ said Josh, turning to look at Holly. ‘We must do it again sometime.’

  Holly was mesmerised by those eyes. Those bright blue, beautiful eyes. Even after all these years, they could still do it. They could still talk to each other with their eyes, and Josh was telling her that they had some unfinished business and they were going to have to deal with it very soon.

  Chapter 16

  Josh hopped off the treadmill and tried to catch his breath. There was a time when he could have run twice as fast and twice as far but he was out of practice. He used to be a frequent visitor to the little city-centre gym but events of the last few months had kept him away. Today he was hoping it would give his mind a rest from all the things that were driving him crazy, especially the evening spent with Holly and David two days before.

  It had been the strangest of situations. He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Holly and he’d felt guilty because of it. His life had moved on. Their lives had moved on. They weren’t a pair of lovestruck teens any more. They were proper adults with proper responsibilities and they were absolutely nothing to each other any more. But seeing her again had stirred up a whole myriad of memories – some wonderful and some he’d rather forget.

  He thought about getting back up on the treadmill and continuing his run but he couldn’t face it. He sat down on a wooden bench which ran along the side of the gym and wiped the trickles of sweat from his forehead. Sometimes he wished he was a woman. Stephanie always said that any problem could be solved by a chat with her girlie friends, but it wasn’t so for Josh. The conversations he had with his mates usually revolved around football and other sport and rarely ventured into anything
personal. And that suited him most of the time. But today he wished he had somebody to talk to.

  As he headed into the changing rooms to take a shower, he knew his legs would suffer later from the gruelling workout. He could already feel his body begin to stiffen up so he was glad to let the warm water soothe his aching bones. But just as he’d finished lathering himself with shower gel, he was gripped with that awful pain in his stomach again. It was like something crushing his insides, and he doubled over in agony. He stayed that way until it passed and he could finally breathe again. Bloody, bloody pain. He knew he’d have to sort it out sooner rather than later, but he still didn’t want to face it.

  When he finally stepped outside into the mid-morning sun, he felt emotionally and physically drained. But he didn’t want to go home. And then it struck him. There was one person who always listened with a sympathetic ear. She never judged him and always knew the right thing to say. He suddenly wanted to feel her arms about him, telling him everything was going to be okay. Without hesitation he headed off to where he knew he’d be truly welcomed.

  He stepped inside and she put her arms around him. ‘Josh! What a lovely surprise. What brings you here? Are you okay?’

  He felt himself relax in her embrace. ‘I’m fine, Mum. I was just passing and thought I’d pop in and say hello.’

  ‘Come in then, love. I’ve just taken a batch of scones out of the oven so your timing is perfect.’

  He followed her into the little kitchen where the smell of baking filled his nostrils and reminded him that he hadn’t eaten yet. ‘They look delicious, Mum. Just what I fancy.’

  She smiled and her eyes disappeared into a bed of wrinkles. ‘Sit yourself down then, Josh, love, and I’ll make us both a nice cup of tea.’

  He did as he was told, and seeing his mother fuss around him reminded him of what it had been like to be a young boy with no cares or worries. Sometimes he wished he was that boy again. But he was an adult now and he needed to learn to deal with the stresses life threw at him instead of sweeping them under the carpet.

  ‘There we go, love,’ said his mum, placing two mugs of steaming hot tea on the wooden table and turning to grab a plate of warm scones. A jar of homemade strawberry jam and a bowl of whipped cream arrived to the table too and he greedily tucked in.

  ‘So this is the second time I’ve seen you this week, Josh. Should I be worried?’

  He laughed as he spread a scone liberally with jam and added a dollop of cream. ‘Of course not. I know you came for lunch the other day but I haven’t been here to visit you in weeks, what with the move and everything.’

  ‘So how’s Stephanie doing? Is everything okay with the baby?’

  ‘Everything is fine, Mum. Both she and the baby are doing great. It won’t be long now.’

  ‘I know.’ She beamed. ‘And I just can’t wait. I’ve knitted about ten cardigans already so the little one certainly won’t go cold.’

  He smiled at her enthusiasm. ‘You’re great, Mum. He or she will be lucky to have such a fabulous grandmother.’

  ‘Ah, go away with you, Josh. My first grandchild – who wouldn’t be excited? The first of many, I hope.’

  ‘Relax now, will you,’ he said, pretending to look worried. ‘Let’s get this one out first before you start wishing more on us.’

  She chuckled and her jowls wobbled a little, making Josh smile. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes until Josh suddenly felt the beginnings of a pain in his stomach again. Thankfully it eased quickly and Josh breathed a sigh of relief. But as he glanced over at the mantelpiece where a picture of his dad stood, a chill ran down his spine. He’d been trying to convince himself that he was not his dad. That lightning wouldn’t strike twice. But in reality, these things could be hereditary and he knew he was going to have to face that. A bead of sweat began to trickle down the side of his face and he wiped it quickly with a tissue.

  ‘Josh, are you okay? You don’t look so good.’

  ‘I’m fine, Mum. It’s just hot in here.’

  She stood up and opened the kitchen window. ‘Sorry. It gets really steamy when I have the oven on. You should feel a draught now.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said. He knew he had to question her now. To help him remember. But he didn’t want to upset her. He began tentatively. ‘Mum, you know when Dad first … when he first found out, you know …’

  She looked a little startled. ‘When he first found out he had cancer?’

  He nodded. ‘Had he suspected anything beforehand?’

  ‘Where’s this coming from, Josh?’

  ‘It’s just, I have a friend. He gets a lot of pain. In his stomach. Really low down, you know? And I seem to remember Dad having similar pains.’

  She pushed her plate away and sat back in the chair, her face etched with the ache of her memories. ‘It started with pain. Down low, as you say. Sometimes the pain would be so unbearable that he’d have to lie down and pull his legs up to his chest to try and get some relief. How bad is your friend’s pain?’

  She showed no indication she was suspicious so he continued. ‘I don’t think it’s as bad as that, but it can be bad enough sometimes. He says it’s like something inside him is contracting. It only lasts for a few minutes but he said it feels like ages.’

  ‘Well, you tell this friend he needs to go to a doctor. Has he not had himself checked out yet?’

  ‘No. At least I don’t think so. Had Dad got any other symptoms?’

  ‘He had a few, Josh. Personal ones, you know? Like down there.’ She indicated around her backside and he felt the urge to giggle. His parents had always been old-fashioned and prudish and it was part of the reason he’d never really heard the details of his dad’s illness.

  ‘Suffice it to say,’ she continued, ‘that what was coming out there wasn’t right. Not by a long shot.’

  ‘So how long did he wait?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘From the time he felt something was wrong to the time he saw a doctor – how long was it?’

  ‘Too long,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘By the time he eventually got himself checked out, the cancer had already spread. And, well, you know the rest. So tell your friend he needs to go now, before it’s too late.’

  The mood had changed in the room and Josh felt bad for bringing up things his mother would rather forget. Their tea had gone cold so he stood up and offered to make some more. They remained silent for the next few minutes and he knew his mother was thinking about his father, wishing he was there.

  ‘Here we go,’ said Josh, trying to lighten the tone. ‘Milky and sweet, just how you like it.’

  ‘Thanks, love.’

  ‘So how’s the hip been these last few weeks? I meant to ask you about it the other day.’

  ‘A lot better now, love,’ she said sombrely. ‘The doctor put me on a new tablet and it seems to be working well.’

  ‘And the blood pressure?’

  She stirred her tea idly. ‘Again, it’s grand, thank God.’

  He could have kicked himself for putting her into such a sad mood and he racked his brain for something to lift her out of it. He’d have to head off home to Stephanie in the next half hour and he didn’t want to leave her like that. Sometimes when she’d get down or depressed, it could last for weeks and she’d been doing so well lately.

  ‘One of the kids in school got himself invited over to an English football club after a scout saw him play last week,’ said Josh, knowing how she loved stories from school. ‘He’s a brilliant little player. He could be one to watch for the future.’

  ‘Very nice, love.’

  ‘And another one of the boys got a small part in Fair City. Imagine! You might be able to see him on the telly next month.’

  ‘Is that so? You’ll have to tell me when he’s on.’

  He needed something more to bring her out of this mood. And then it occurred to him that maybe he shouldn’t be protecting her so much. He’d been afraid that telling her ab
out Holly coming back into his life would upset her, but she was probably the very person to advise him about it. He looked over at her and saw the sadness in her eyes. Her mind had gone to another place – another time – when she was with the love of her life and was happy.

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes, love.’

  ‘I have another bit of news.’

  ‘What’s that then?’ Her eyes brightened slightly.

  He hesitated for a moment before blurting it out. ‘Holly Russo is back!’

  ‘What?’ Her eyes opened wide and suddenly she was very interested in the conversation. ‘What do you mean she’s back? Where? When? What does she want?’

  Josh laughed. ‘She hasn’t come back to me, Mum. But she’s living in the house right across the road from me.’

  ‘I don’t believe it. Are you serious? Have you spoken to her?’

  ‘Yes. And to her fiancé!’

  ‘She’s getting married? My word. How do you feel about that? About everything?’

  ‘I’m all over the place, actually. Just seeing her again … after everything …’ He didn’t hold back. He spent the next while chatting to his mum about it. And, just as he’d hoped, there was no judgement and no recriminations. She just listened carefully to everything he had to say until he was finished.

  ‘It’s a very strange situation,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Who’d have thought it? Holly Russo back in your life after all this time.’

  ‘She’s not back in my life, Mum. Well, not the way you’re implying.’

  ‘I’m not implying anything, love. But clearly you have unresolved issues.’

  He sighed. ‘I know. What am I going to do, Mum?’

  ‘You’re going to figure it out for yourself – that’s what you’re going to do.’

  ‘But I thought …’

  ‘I’m here, love. I’m always here for you. You can talk to me about anything and I’ll help you in any way I can. But this time you need to follow your own heart. Do what you think is right. I know you’ll work it out in the end.’