Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  She was right. She was always right. He needed to work this one out himself. He stood up and walked around the table to her, placing a kiss on her head.

  ‘What was that for?’ she said, patting her silver hair and blushing.

  ‘Because you’re fabulous. And I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  ‘Go away out of that. That’s what mothers are for.’

  He looked at her face and felt a surge of love. She was his rock. She’d always been his rock. And no matter what the future held, he knew there was one woman who he could rely on. Who’d always love him no matter what.

  Chapter 17

  ‘Josh? Your Josh? I don’t believe it?’ Carina stared at Holly, her eyes wide.

  ‘Not my Josh any more but, yes, that Josh.’

  ‘But, Holly, how could that have happened? How could he have moved onto your street? That’s just crazy. It’s way too much of a coincidence.’

  ‘You seem even more shocked than I was,’ she said, smiling at Carina’s extreme reaction. ‘Can you imagine how I felt when he was standing right in front of me?’

  ‘Oh my God. This is unbelievable. Forget the tea. We need some wine.’ Carina stood up and flipped up a door above the fridge, where she rummaged around and eventually produced a bottle of red wine.

  ‘Not for me, unfortunately,’ said Holly. ‘I want to get home in one piece.’

  Carina grabbed two glasses. ‘Just a small one then. Or you could stay. Elaina would be happy to give up her bed and sleep in with Lilly.’

  ‘I wish I could, Carina, but I’m in work at ten in the morning. And I just have one week left so I don’t want to be late.’

  ‘Go on,’ she persisted. ‘You could drive up early. We need a serious chat.’

  Holly smiled at her enthusiasm. ‘I’ll think about it. But for now, I’m happy with my cup of tea.’

  Carina nodded and poured herself a large glass of wine. ‘So tell me everything.’

  Holly spent the next half hour telling her about recent events – from her first sighting of Josh in the hallway of their house and the awkward meeting on the street, to the painfully embarrassing night at theirs. Carina listened carefully, nodding and making all the appropriate noises.

  ‘So what do you think?’ Holly said, when she’d finally told her every last detail.

  ‘I don’t know what to think, to be honest, Holly. How did you feel seeing him again?’

  She thought for a moment. ‘Strange. That’s how I felt. Really strange.’

  Carina nodded. ‘I can understand that. And what’s this Stephanie like? Are they serious, do you think?’

  ‘She’s okay. Young and beautiful. And very much pregnant.’

  Carina gasped. ‘Pregnant! You didn’t tell me that bit. So Josh is going to be a daddy.’

  Somehow the words hurt and Holly winced slightly.

  ‘Oh God, I’m sorry, Holly. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sure it must have been a shock for you.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, not looking Carina in the eye. Her sister could read her like a book. ‘But I can’t be stupid about things. It was bound to happen sometime. We’ve been apart a long time and, for all I knew, he could have had a number of children by now.’

  ‘He hasn’t, has he?’ Carina looked shocked.

  ‘I don’t think so. I think this is his first. Their first.’

  Carina reached across the table and patted her hand and Holly tried to swallow the lump in her throat. ‘At least you have David now, Holly. Imagine what it would have been like if you were still single. It would have been much harder seeing Josh happy.’

  Holly knew she was right but somehow it didn’t give her much comfort.

  ‘And you have the wedding to concentrate on now too, so that should help distract you.’

  ‘That’s true,’ said Holly, thinking about the plans she’d made with Josh for a winter wedding. ‘But I think I need to talk to him, Carina. I mean properly talk. About what happened back then – how he was able to walk away after all we’d been through. We shouldn’t have fallen apart so easily. We just shouldn’t have.’ Tears sprang to her eyes and this time she didn’t try to stop them from falling.

  ‘Oh, Holly, love!’ Carina jumped up from her chair to rush to Holly’s side. ‘Don’t be getting yourself so upset. It was so long ago. Don’t let it have such an effect on you now.’

  ‘That’s just it, Carina.’ She sniffled. ‘I can’t help it. It just shows that I never really dealt properly with the grief of our split.’

  Carina handed Holly a clump of tissues from the box on the counter and sat back down. ‘Grief? You make it sound like he died.’

  ‘That’s what it was like. I felt like somebody had died. We were together for so long, Carina. I loved him so much and he just left. He just walked out of my life and said he didn’t want to see me again. How could that have happened?’

  Holly looked at her sister and waited for an answer. She didn’t understand what had happened then and she still didn’t understand it thirteen years later. Josh had been her life and she’d been his. Or so she’d thought. Until one day he’d sat her down and told her he was moving to Dublin with his parents and he wanted to make a clean break from her. Just like that. He’d loved her one minute and the next he was leaving. Gone. Out of her life. And now, all these years later, he was living right across the road from her and she was supposed to just get on with it, as though nothing had happened.

  Carina shifted uncomfortably in her chair and Holly could tell she didn’t quite know what to say. ‘Holly,’ she ventured, watching her carefully. ‘I know it must be difficult, but you can’t let the past spoil your future. If you dredge up everything again with Josh, God knows how it will turn out. Have you even told David about all of this?’

  Holly shook her head. ‘Just bits. He knows we were together once, when we were kids.’

  ‘You were a lot more than kids, Holly. You both had to grow up very fast …’

  She trailed off but Holly knew what she meant. ‘I just don’t think David needs to know everything. And it’s not as though I’m trying to hide things from him. He really doesn’t want to know details of my past.’

  ‘And how does he feel having his fiancée’s ex-boyfriend living across the road?’

  Holly thought for a minute. ‘He’s okay about it, actually. But things have been a little tense between us since Saturday. He’s seen me looking out the window at their house a few times and has asked a few probing questions.’

  ‘Holly!’

  ‘What? It’s just curiosity. Obviously I’m going to be curious about Josh’s life. It’s been a shock seeing him again.’

  Carina poured herself another large glass of wine. ‘Look, Holly, I sort of agree that David doesn’t need to know the details of your past, but I don’t think you should discuss it with Josh either. You need to tread very carefully. It could be a dangerous game.’

  Holly looked at her quizzically. ‘What’s dangerous about it? Why are you so against me talking to Josh? I know you don’t want me to get hurt, but don’t you think it will be easier for me to move on if we have that conversation? If we both stay living on that street, I’ll have to see him all the time, and if we haven’t cleared the air, I’ll always wonder.’

  But Carina seemed adamant. ‘It’s dangerous, Holly, because if you start to dredge up old feelings, either yours or his, it could ruin a lot of lives. Let’s say you start to fall for him again. Where does that leave David? And where does it leave you, more importantly, if Josh doesn’t reciprocate?’

  Holly tried to think of a sensible response but she knew Carina was right.

  ‘Or,’ Carina continued, ‘what if you both fall for each other again? Where does that leave Stephanie? Would you really want him to leave his pregnant girlfriend? Let her bring up his baby alone? Be branded a home-wrecker?’

  ‘Carina! You’re getting carried away now. None of that is going to happen. I’m just talking about a civil conversation between me
and him. I want to find out once and for all what happened to make him leave so suddenly and maybe then I can move on.’

  ‘I still think you’re crazy,’ Carina said, gulping down the last of her wine and draining the bottle into the glass. ‘It was such a long time ago. It really shouldn’t matter any more.’

  ‘What if it’s fate?’ said Holly, watching her sister carefully.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Carina’s words were beginning to slur.

  ‘I mean, what if it’s meant to be? Don’t you think it seems coincidental that Josh should move onto my street just as I’m about to plan my wedding? Maybe it’s for a reason.’

  ‘Now you’re just being stupid, Holly. So you think that the universe is telling you that you two are meant to be together and you should ditch your respective partners?’

  ‘Don’t mock me,’ she said, stung by her sister’s flippant words. ‘I don’t mean anything as drastic as that but maybe we just have unresolved issues and the universe is throwing us together so that we can talk. Maybe it’s what we need to finally move on properly. Milly said that –’

  ‘Ah! I might have known Milly would have something to do with this. Putting ideas like that into your head.’

  ‘That’s not fair. Milly is a good friend to me and, if you want to know, yes, she mentioned fate at first. But once she heard Stephanie was pregnant, she felt that I should leave things be.’

  ‘You see? Even Milly agrees. Honestly, Holly. No good can come from raking up the past. Use all that energy of yours on David now. On your relationship. Throw yourself into the wedding plans and forget about Josh O’Toole.’

  Easier said than done. ‘I think I’ll head off,’ said Holly, stretching her arms above her head and yawning. ‘I told David I wouldn’t be late.’

  Carina stood up. She didn’t even try to talk Holly into staying again. She’d obviously had her fill of drama for one night.

  ‘And Holly?’

  Holly looked at her and saw the worry etched on her face. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Just tread carefully. Remember what I said. Don’t live in the past. You might just end up sacrificing your future.’

  She walked Holly to the door and they said their goodbyes. Carina was a lot older than Holly and a lot wiser. She only ever wanted the best for her little sister and wanted to see her happy. And Holly knew that she should listen to her wise words. But Josh O’Toole was like a drug. Holly had managed to detox from him once before but seeing him again – having him so close – might just be a temptation she wasn’t strong enough to resist.

  Chapter 18

  It was the day of Stephanie’s first baby scan and Josh couldn’t have been more excited. They’d been due to have one weeks ago but Stephanie had got the dates mixed up and so they’d had to wait. He’d just left work and was heading in to meet her in town. He’d offered to pick her up from home so that they could go in together, but she’d said she was meeting a friend for lunch beforehand. He sighed at the Friday-afternoon bumper-to-bumper traffic, but at least the appointment wasn’t until half past four. He smiled to himself at the thought of seeing their little boy or girl moving around inside Stephanie’s belly. All their little niggles and arguments would fade into insignificance when they saw the wonderful miracle they’d created. He knew it was going to bring them closer together and he couldn’t wait.

  In the end, he made it into town in perfect time, and as he rounded the corner towards the hospital, he saw Stephanie was already there. She looked gorgeous in her knee-length cream coat, one she’d got from a designer after she’d modelled some of her clothes the previous year. She was talking to somebody on the phone so didn’t notice him approaching her and Josh was slightly alarmed to see that her face looked strained. She was clearly arguing but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. Suddenly, she clapped eyes on him and she ended the call abruptly.

  ‘Hi, Steph,’ he said, kissing her full on the lips. ‘Who was that?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘On the phone. You looked agitated when you were speaking.’

  She shook her head. ‘Stupid crank call. It’s the third one I’ve had this week.’

  ‘Really? What sort of crank call? What did they say?’

  She waved her hand dismissively. ‘Just somebody doing a survey or something. I told him I was sick of getting those calls and not to ring me again.’

  Josh wasn’t convinced but he let it go for now because he didn’t want to spoil the day. ‘Right. Are we going in? Are you excited?’

  ‘Actually, Josh, I have a confession to make.’

  He looked at her in alarm. ‘What? What is it?’

  ‘I’m an idiot,’ she said, linking her arm through his. ‘I got the times mixed up. Again.’

  He breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Is that all? You really are a feather-head. So how long do we have to wait? There’s probably a coffee shop in there so why don’t we go in and get some tea. It’s freezing out here.’ He moved in the direction of the door but she stopped him.

  ‘No, Josh. It was three thirty, not four thirty. I only realised it when I checked the appointment card while I was having lunch.’

  He quickly checked his watch and saw it was four twenty. His heart sank but he wasn’t ready to give up. ‘Come on, then. Let’s go in anyway. They might see us if they’re not too busy.’

  ‘You don’t understand,’ she said, rooting in her bag. ‘When I realised I’d made a mistake, I got over here straight away. There was no way I was going to miss that scan.’

  ‘Wh– what? You mean you went ahead without me? I can’t believe it.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Josh. But I didn’t have much choice. It takes ages to get an appointment here and I knew we’d probably be waiting for weeks if I had to make another one.’

  ‘But, Steph, you know how much I wanted to be there. You should have rung. I could have left work early. I would have been here.’ He felt gutted.

  She shook her head. ‘I’m telling you, Josh. There just wasn’t time. It all happened so quickly. When I got here I asked if they could change the time to four thirty but before I knew it, they had me on the table and the nurse was scanning me.’

  He felt angry and he didn’t trust himself to speak.

  ‘Come on,’ she said, putting an arm around his waist and pulling him to her. ‘Don’t be cross. There was nothing I could have done. I’m disappointed too that you weren’t there.’

  Josh suddenly realised that he’d been so caught up in his own disappointment that he’d forgotten to ask her about the baby. ‘So tell me what happened. Is everything okay with the baby?’

  ‘Let’s get away from here first,’ she said, taking his hand and leading him back down the street.

  He felt panic rising again. ‘Why? Is there something wrong?’

  ‘No, silly.’ She laughed. ‘I’m just starving and noticed a lovely-looking vegetarian restaurant just around the corner.’

  ‘But didn’t you just have lunch?’

  ‘A while ago. But do you know how much water they make you drink in there before the scan? I must have flushed out my whole system and now I need to fill it up again.’

  He laughed at that and again wished he’d been there to see it. ‘So everything was okay with the baby then?’

  ‘Perfect,’ she said as they arrived at the door of a very veggie-looking place. He would have killed for a big juicy burger but he’d just have to wait until he got home. It was quiet so they took a couple of seats at a window and the waitress immediately arrived to take their order. Stephanie went for a butternut squash curry but Josh was less adventurous with a cheese and tomato panini.

  ‘So, you were saying?’ He leaned his elbows on the table, dying to hear all about the scan.

  ‘Everything was fine, Josh.’ She smiled but it wasn’t quite convincing.

  ‘Are you sure? What did the nurse say?’

  ‘Of course I’m sure. The baby is a good size and everything seems to be in its proper place.’

  She
looked tired up close. Fed up, even. ‘Steph, is there something worrying you? I mean, if you’re sure everything is okay with the baby, is there something else?’

  She stared at him for a moment and then nodded. ‘There is something worrying me, actually. And the visit today confirmed it for me.’

  ‘What is it? Tell me.’

  ‘I think I want a C-section. I’m terrified, Josh. I’m scared out of my wits about having something that size coming out of something this size.’ She pointed down below and he couldn’t help laughing. Mostly out of relief.

  The food arrived and Josh waited until the waitress was well out of earshot before continuing. ‘Aw, Steph, it’s completely normal to feel that way. I wouldn’t blame you for being scared. I’m sure every woman is. But you’ll be fantastic. I know you will.’

  She sniffled and grabbed a serviette to wipe her nose. ‘I hope so.’

  Josh’s heart filled with love for her at that moment. His beautiful girlfriend carrying their beautiful baby. He just wanted to wrap them both up in cotton wool and never let them out of his sight. And then something occurred to him. ‘Steph, did you find out?’

  ‘Find out what?’ She looked at him blankly.

  ‘The sex of the baby. I know you wanted to. Did you?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I didn’t ask. I know you don’t want to know and it would be difficult keeping it from you. Especially if I was buying all blue or all pink stuff.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, relieved. ‘I definitely don’t want to know until the moment the baby comes out. And how did he or she look? Could you make out the hands and feet and everything?’

  ‘See for yourself,’ she said, pulling something out from her handbag. She slid a piece of paper across the table and Josh’s heart jumped with joy.

  ‘Oh my God! Is that him or her? Is that our baby?’

  ‘Yes, Josh. That’s our baby.’

  He felt tears at the backs of his eyes and he had to pinch the bridge of his nose to stop them falling. It was the most perfect picture he could have ever imagined. It was so clear that he could actually see the fingers and toes and it looked like it was sucking its thumb. It would have been wonderful to see it on the screen, moving around, but holding the picture in his hand, he didn’t feel anything other than pure happiness. He reached over the table and kissed Stephanie.