The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus

by Michael Anderle

“And these are active magical artifacts? Not just some old crown that used to have power?”

  “Oh. I see.” The man laughed. “You’re worried that we’ve been duped about the provenance of the objects. I can understand that concern. Anyone in the business of artifacts these days has to deal with so many disreputable people and be cautious, but I can assure you, Lieutenant, that not only do we have all the necessary paperwork, but we’ve also had each artifact verified by third parties well-versed in the magical arts. There’s no fraud here, and thus no need for the police.”

  Is this guy purposely trying to annoy me, or is he really that thick?

  Maria pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re not understanding what I’m getting at. I’m with LAPD AET. We field teams to deal with magical threats beyond the capabilities of normal officers or even SWAT.”

  “I must say, then, that I’m even more confused now. Oh.” His snap was audible even over the phone. “You’re worried these artifacts will explode or leak magic or something like that.” Another laugh came, the mocking tone obvious. “It’s nothing like that. I can assure you. We have all the necessary paperwork with the government and have verified the general display safety of these objects. The only injuries we have to worry about are from people standing too long.”

  Maria wanted to bang her head against her desk but sighed instead.

  “No, no. Mr. Preston, what I’m worried about is pretty straightforward. You have a bunch of valuable magical artifacts, and I’m concerned that an enhanced threat, Oriceran or otherwise, will blow a hole in the side of your museum and steal all those fancy magical artifacts. That’s why I was surprised you’re not requesting police protection. I’m worried you don’t understand the risks.”

  Spencer sniffed disdainfully. “We understand the risks. It’s not exactly like this museum has never handled an artifact before, Miss Hall.”

  Miss Hall? Oh, no you didn’t.

  Maria waited a few seconds, wondering if she should remind him that she was Lieutenant Hall, but decided against it.

  “From what I’ve read,” she offered instead, “this is the largest collection of artifacts you’ve ever handled. I think it represents a unique danger and temptation for criminals.”

  “I can assure you that we have and will take all necessary precautions. We do not require police protection, and, not to be rude, we can’t risk untrained personnel bumbling around our expensive items. Thank you for your concern, Miss Hall, but I’m very busy, and I can’t spend any more time discussing this with you. If you want to make an appointment, please contact museum reception.”

  “We’re not done—”

  The call ended.

  Maria held her phone away from her face and stared at it. The sonofabitch’d had the nerve to hang up on her.

  She took a few deep breaths and placed her phone on her desk. Spencer Preston obviously thought they wouldn’t have any trouble, but she found it hard to believe that if a level-five criminal attacked the museum they were equipped to fend him off.

  No. The lieutenant wasn’t about to take some stuffed shirt’s word for it. She was going to stop by and see for herself just how good their security was.

  James’ eyes flicked open, and he yawned. Exhausted, too damned exhausted. He wasn’t even sure why he was so tired.

  Guess without Alison around, I feel a little older and more tired. Weird to wake up and know I won’t be having breakfast with her.

  He rose and grabbed his clothes. The smooth metal of the separator skimmed his chest. He looked down at the amulet connected to it.

  Wonder if he has to sleep? If I kept him bonded to me at all times, would he get tired? Would I?

  James shook his head. He still had far too many questions and not enough answers about the amulet.

  Shay’s recent revelation that other aliens had visited Earth, and that they might even be from his home planet, complicated things. It wasn’t like finding out that he was actually an alien who’d probably had his DNA altered by a strange amulet fit in all that well with his desire for a simple life.

  Not only that, the more he learned about the amulet, the less convinced he was that its creators had been a benevolent species.

  I used to think this thing might be demonic, but you can be a total fucker even without being a demon.

  According to Shay, the government was tracking alien artifacts and other evidence of non-Oriceran intelligent species through Project Ragnarok and Project Nephilim.

  That meant James had to be careful not to reveal to anyone he didn’t trust the true nature of the artifact, but so far, only Peyton and Shay knew the truth.

  I still should be experimenting with it more. It gave me that weird vision change during the shit with Lars. That means it can do a lot more than I’ve ever realized. This shit might be the key to dealing with real nasty assholes in the future.

  He moved over to the dresser to grab the toothbrush holder and toothbrush. They were gone, and a quick survey of the bedroom didn’t reveal them.

  It wasn’t like toiletries got up and wandered off on their own. Or did they?

  Shit. I hope Shay didn’t give me a living toothbrush and toothbrush holder. Dealing with Whispy Doom is bad enough. I don’t want to have a conversation with my toothbrush every day.

  James stopped and grunted. He’d finally spotted the errant toothbrush and holder. They sat on the left side of the sink in the bathroom.

  It was time for a little hygiene.

  A few minutes later, James made his way down the stairs in his jeans but not his shirt. Shay sat at the dining room table, a paper cup of coffee in hand and large white paper bag sitting on the table.

  “A lot of breakfast sandwiches,” she explained. “I might not make breakfast very well, but I can order it and pick it up with the best of ‘em.” She smiled and nodded toward the bag. “And you’re a man of…extreme appetites, so I bought a lot.” Her eyebrows lifted suggestively.

  James gave a nod and plopped himself into a chair. He pulled out a sausage biscuit and downed the thing in two bites.

  A satisfied smirk settled over Shay’s face. “Looks like I made the right choice.” She took another sip of her coffee. “It’s been a hard summer.”

  James swallowed. “Hard? How so?

  She laughed. “You almost got yourself killed, for one.”

  “That’s kind of an every-week thing for me.”

  “Okay, good point.” Shay shook her finger. “Still, you had the custody battle to worry about, along with the media circus, not to mention trying to teach Alison as much as you could.” She shrugged. “Dealing with all that is, well, more complicated than the typical ass-kicking you do.

  “I didn’t think of it that way, but I guess you’re right.” This time he dug out a bacon and egg biscuit.

  Shay offered James a soft smile. “And now she’s back in school, and I know you’re gonna have trouble with missing her.”

  “There’ll be parents’ weekends.”

  “Sure, but seeing her every few months isn’t the same thing as seeing her every day, and you know it.”

  James grunted and shrugged. “It’s what’s best for her, and I can put on my big-boy pants and just deal with it.” He put down his sandwich. “What about you? You flying off somewhere soon? Some weird-ass secret country I’ve never heard of?”

  Shay shook her head. “Nah, I figured I should take a couple of weeks off because someone might need me.”

  “Huh? Who?”

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s always two steps forward, one step back with you. You need me, James. I think you’ll be more depressed than you realize without Alison, so I’m gonna stick around and cheer you up. When you’re busy, I’ll train and keep an eye out for jobs, and unless something fucking fantastic comes up, I’ll stay in town.”

  James frowned. “There is something you can help me with.”

  She smirked. “You need to give me a day between bedroom fun-time sessions. I get sore otherwise.”
<
br />   He shook his head. “Not that. Something else, especially since you have more contacts in the magical world. I’ve got Zoe, but not much else.”

  “Since when do you want to use more magic?” Shay narrowed her eyes.

  “That job I took Alison on the other day was a clusterfuck. The level two turned out to be a witch.” James frowned at his sandwich as if it were to blame. “Because Alison was there and could pull her magic it ended quickly, and I was about to end it myself, but most times, my guys aren’t gonna have a half-Drow princess with them, or me, for that matter. We got caught with our pants down, and next time someone might end up dead.” He looked at Shay. “I was hoping you could do some research and find some options. I know the police use those anti-magic deflectors, but it might be hard to get my hands on a lot of those.”

  Shay ran her finger over the rim of her cup. “Okay, I’ll check into that. Just one quick little thing I have to do first.”

  “What?”

  “A bunch of artifacts just came in for a temporary exhibit at the Los Angeles Museum of Natural History. I want to go to the museum to learn more about the pieces.”

  James chuckled. “Are you gonna become a museum raider?”

  Shay shook her head. “Just curious more than anything. It’s good to know what’s floating around out there in case it ever leaves legal hands.”

  “I can’t come with you. I’ve got to help in the tactical room. I want the guys to start training for magical confrontations.”

  “How are you gonna do that?”

  James grinned. “I bought a few things from Zoe, and the Professor gave me some shit he had lying around.”

  “’Shit he had lying around?’” Shay raised an eyebrow.

  The bounty hunter shrugged. “That was what he said.”

  “Okay, just don’t blow up your building.”

  James pushed into the lobby of Camp Brownstone with a box in his arms. He gave a quick nod to Charlyce, who was on the phone. She gave him a smile and a wave, and he continued down the hallway toward the tactical room.

  All the available men had gathered. Several of them would be leaving for Vegas the following day to relieve the currently deployed Vegas team.

  Half the men were already in their tactical jumpsuits, and the others were still pulling theirs on.

  Trey grinned from the wall in the corner of the room. “It’s the big man himself. I was starting to think you were too chickenshit to show up.”

  James grunted. “Afraid of you guys? You’ll have to do a shitload more training before you can take me down, especially if I’m not by myself.” He set down the box and pulled off his boots, then went over to a locker to pull out one of the larger tactical suits. “Before we start all this shit, I wanted to remind you all about the barbeque class on Saturday.”

  A few people grumbled but shut their mouths when Trey and Shorty gave them death glares.

  “Get the fuck out of here with your bitching,” Shorty snarled. “Complaining about the big man taking his own time to teach you! Ingrates.”

  James shrugged. “Most of the shit we make you do, you only appreciate when you’re on the job. At least this way, you’ll be able to eat your practice.”

  “I hear that.” Isaiah patted his belly.

  Everyone laughed.

  The training under Staff Sergeant Royce had melted most of his fat away, but Isaiah would never be the kind of man that anyone would describe as cut.

  “It’s only for a couple of hours,” James explained. “The focus is gonna be on the good use of wood and temperature control. Not gonna tell you that you have to read shit beforehand, but get on the fucking internet and read some shit.”

  The men all laughed.

  James grinned and finished zipping up his suit. He pulled a tactical harness out of the box and strapped it over the jumpsuit, and then began filling his pockets and pouches with vials containing potions and several colors of small glass figurines.

  “Royce and I are still figuring out how we can change the tactical room system to simulate magic, but for today, we’re gonna do the best thing you can do for training.”

  “What’s that?” Lachlan pulled a rifle simulator from the new metal rack they’d just installed along the wall.

  “Royce told me how effective live-fire training can be for Marines,” James offered. He held up one of the vials. “So it’s time for some live magic training. This is an actual potion.”

  Shorty groaned. “You gonna fucking poison me, big man?”

  “Nothing worse than a little tear gas, from what Zoe told me.” James fished out one of the figurines. “I don’t know exactly how, but another friend of mine told me this should trip the electronics in your suits, so it’s gonna be like getting hit by lightning. Got a few little flashbang figurines, too. The teams are gonna be unbalanced, more of you on one team, then a smaller team with me playing the part of an angry fucking wizard.”

  Now everyone groaned.

  Trey pushed off the wall. “What about taking you out? Even if we hit you, you could probably just use your barbeque blood power to ignore the electrical shocks. If you’re throwing this magic shit instead of using your fake rifle, the system won’t be able to stop you from keeping coming at us.”

  James nodded. Even without the amulet the suit probably couldn’t take him down, but at least it’d let him know when he got hit.

  I wonder if I should use the amulet and see how many hits it would take me to go down? Nah.

  “Fair enough. Here’s what I’ll say: you get three hits on me. Lots of magic assholes have defensive magic, so you should get used to it taking more firepower. I’ll shout out each hit, and once you get three, I’m dead.”

  4

  The shrieks and curses of men filled the air in the darkened and smoke-filled tactical room. The occasional flash brightened the room, followed by a loud recorded, but still convincing, peal of thunder. James half-wondered how much it’d cost to install a system to simulate an earthquake. They were in California, after all.

  James flattened himself near a wall. Half his team, the red team, had already been picked off, the other team apparently hoping to isolate and finish him.

  Good strategy. Glad the guys realized you can’t just ignore everybody but the main threat.

  He pulled out a figurine and spun around the corner to throw it at two men on the blue team. They fired a few rounds and his suit buzzed, indicating they’d come close, but he wasn’t shocked.

  The figurine collided with a man, and a mass of arcing blue-white energy exploded. Both bounty hunters collapsed to the ground, yowling and twitching as their suits shocked them.

  James grinned. So far, no one had managed to get a single hit on him.

  Two more of his men got taken out, leaving only James, Manuel, and TJ as the living red team members.

  If I can kill a house full of Harriken without my amulet, I can take down my guys in this smoky little room.

  Shorty vaulted over a wall and fired. “Die, you wizard motherfucker!”

  James gritted his teeth as the suit shocked him. “One hit.”

  The junior hunter’s face split in a huge grin. “Yeah! I did it.”

  James rushed forward and yanked Shorty’s rifle simulator out of his hand and aimed it at him. “You should have kept firing.”

  “Well, shit, that ain’t fair.”

  “Never drop your weapon, and don’t celebrate until the other guy’s down.” James pulled the trigger and the other bounty hunter fell to the ground, twitching and wincing. He tossed the rifle simulator to the ground.

  He jogged toward a corner where several blocks provided cover, his jaw tight. His refusal to drop after being hit resulted in the suit continuing to shock him. The pain might not be enough to take him down, but it wasn’t easy to ignore either.

  James crouched and grabbed a smoke potion. He uncorked it and chucked it across the room as a distraction. Thick smoke billowed from the bottle, and several blue team members rushe
d that way and started firing aimlessly, convinced of an incursion.

  He sucked in a breath, trying to ignore his muscles’ twitching between the shocks. Until he dropped, they wouldn’t stop.

  Good way to simulate bleeding out, I guess. I’m wounded, but I can keep going. Just like in a real fight.

  James stopped as he spotted the tip of a rifle simulator pointed around a corner on the ground.

  Lying down in here is a dumbass move.

  After ducking quickly behind a wall, he pulled out another figurine. He’d been doing his best to pace himself so he’d have enough magic toys for the second round, but he’d already used too many. He would figure out what he was going to do about that later.

  He peeked around the corner and threw the figurine near the wall right next to the hidden rifle. Averting his eyes from the flash, he rushed forward, ready to strip the blinded man of his weapon and kill him with it.

  The bounty hunter cleared the corner and prepared to lay out the wannabe sniper with a mild punch or kick.

  What the fuck?

  The rifle lay on the ground, propped against the wall. No one was behind it. A disabled Lachlan lay several yards away with a grin on his face. The only thing James didn’t get was how his rifle had ended up in such a conspicuous spot. If he’d moved more than a few inches, the suit would have shocked him.

  Shit. That means…

  James spun.

  “Surprise, motherfucker,” shouted Trey from behind him.

  The grinning ambusher fired at point blank range into James’ chest and then his head. The quick shocks jolted James, but he didn’t fall.

  “Two,” he shouted. “And three hits.” He lowered himself to the ground and lay down. The shocks ceased. “Guess I’m fucking dead. Not as bad as I thought it’d be.”

  Trey smirked and shrugged. “Got too cocky, big man.”

  James grunted. “You’re right. Good job. I don’t rely much on fancy tactics and tricks on jobs, but it’ll help even the playing field for you when you run into high-level threats.” He grunted. “But next time, shoot first, then taunt. With magical assholes, you might only get one shot.”