Chosen

by Ginger Garrett

  I walked to the center of the room and stopped. I did not raise my eyes, but I could see the outline of a pile of floor cushions behind a sheer veil parted to one side. There, in the center, must be my king.

  “What is this Hagai has brought me tonight?”

  I paused. “I do not understand your question, my lord.”

  “Who are you?” was his impatient reply.

  “I am called Esther.”

  “Ah, Esther, like the stars. A woman who is above all.” I could not tell if he was mocking me. “Tell, me, Esther, which star were you named after? Can you point it out?” He gestured toward the open balcony.

  “No, my lord. My mother died when I was but a child. She did not have time to tell me such things.” (My mother would never have known me by this other name. It was she who named me Hadassah.)

  “And your father?” he demanded.

  “My father is dead, too, my lord. The Great Fever that swept through your empire took him without warning.”

  “Well, you must be exceptional to have been brought to me so early in the selection process.”

  In truth, he must have had a thousand women by now from the new harem, besides his unnumbered wives.

  He continued. “Let me see your face.”

  I raised my face slightly into the moonlight, turning it gently in each direction. I was careful not to look at him.

  “Undress.”

  I couldn’t help it. I glanced at him suddenly now, before sending my eyes back to the floor.

  Xerxes laughed out loud. “A harem girl is shy?”

  I chose this moment and looked directly at him. “I am not shy, my lord. I know why I was brought here. But am I goods that must be displayed before haggling in the market? No. I will not trade in my own flesh. You have bought me, and I am yours.”

  I bowed low to him and retreated to the balcony. My knees were still trembling, and I felt faint. I gulped in the night air and prayed for wisdom. It is not Xerxes who is the caged animal, I thought, it is I! “Gracious Lord,” I whispered to the night sky, “I do not dare dishonor You, but I must please the king as well. Direct his heart, Lord, and direct my steps.”

  I felt him come up behind me on the balcony. The wind carried his scent to me—oils and cloves—and a musk scent like the sun when it lit on the cedars. I turned to him now and faced him with a soft expression. I let my shoulders drop as I breathed deeply, trying to regain my balance, and my robe began to slide gently off one shoulder. I was too afraid to move it back into place as I watched his expression.

  He raised one eyebrow as he followed the line of my body beneath the robe. He reached out and set the robe back into place. I tried to remember to breathe. I did not think he would force himself on me. In the moonlight I was able to look at him clearly. He was much older than my sixteen years, of course, but perhaps only in his thirties. His hair was black, thick, and wild, swept back in a wave from his forehead. His face was quite square; it looked to be chiseled from an unyielding piece of granite, as if the artist had grown tired of the resistance and left the rough edges. His lips were full, but I could see the deep lines already setting in on his face and brow. I wondered if I would have found him attractive when I was a girl in the market.

  I found myself wondering, too, that this was the man so many women would have trampled me for. But then, it was not him, but his kingdom that they yearned for. The king and I, we were each a commodity. His eyes were sharp and knowing as he looked at me, like the eyes of the hardest dealers in the market, who refused to sell for lesser prices. I found my thoughts, the year spent imagining this man, tumbling down and taking shape, the way rocks slide in a sheet down the mountain and take another shape when settled. Everything fell into place and shape around this new form, this near and present man who had existed to me only in my mind. I felt comforted to see he was truly a man, and not a god. But my footing was not secure here, either, and my thoughts gave way and tumbled down again, as I saw that he was like no other man I had known.

  “Tell me, my Star,” he asked, turning out to face the evening sky, “tell me what the women in the harem say about me.”

  I was grateful my harem year had not dulled my mind as it spun madly for an answer. “I was told you are a lion of a man, and that every girl goes on to the wives’ harem a happy woman, having seen your glory.” There was enough truth to sound true to him, and enough deception so that I had to suppress a smile.

  “And what do you say about me?” he asked, tracing my face gently now with his finger as he turned and moved closer. I did not like having a man, who was unknown to me, be so familiar, but then, I was only a harem girl.

  “It is true that I have never seen such splendor in a king’s palace. (Oh, in truth, dear diary, I had never seen any palace before!) But I cannot speak to whether you are a lion or not. I have seen only men, and you are a king.”

  “Well, let me be a man then, and not a king, and render your verdict in the morning,” he replied, with a sly laugh, as he slowly removed his crown and royal robe. He took off his signet ring and set it on the table of scrolls.

  I knew he liked my answers; I could sense him toying with the hunt. But something else was stirring in him, a restlessness that made him unhappy. He pointed now to the scrolls, and picked up a large, detailed one. He unrolled it on the bed and motioned for me to look at it.

  “Did they condition more than your body in the harem?” he asked.

  I did not understand his question.

  He spoke again, impatient. “Do you like riddles?”

  I nodded slowly.

  “Then tell me, Star, what this means. I was defeated in Greece by a simple treachery. We outnumbered them by thousands, yet they forced the battle onto a narrow pass; only a few of my men could fight at once, and so my might was useless. And then a trick so raw, so brute, it has never ceased to needle at me, even as I sleep: They set fire to their largest ships, and used them as ramming weapons against our own fleet. These majestic ships, meant to transport their troops, instead became the means of our destruction, even at the cost of their own lives. Who would have thought to use a ship this way, except the most desperate and weak? Why was I unable to avenge my father’s name, and the great name of Persia?”[1] He growled his last words and I could tell he wanted to taste revenge. Rumors in the harem told that he had indeed already exacted some measure of repayment, by burning the fair city of Athens to the ground.

  “My lord, if you will permit me to speak on matters I have not been trained in”—and his glance told me he would be so amused—“I must believe this is for the best.”

  His steel gaze made fear shoot through my legs again.

  “My lord, every province as far as the eye, or even the mind can stretch, belongs to you.” I gestured toward the balcony and led him there slowly by his hand. “Can you see anything that you do not possess?”

  Together we stared silently across the gardens, toward the horizon of the empire.

  After a moment I continued. “You are indeed a great lion, who has taken all the prey of these plains. You rule the world, and Greece is now but a mouse to keep you amused. The mouse will keep your claws sharp, and your instincts intact. He is no threat, so I would urge you to enjoy his game.”

  He was quiet as he took in my reply carefully. “Well done, Star. You are wise. How is it possible that you are a woman? What have they taught you in the harem? I understood the subject to be more carnal,” he continued as his hand reached for the sash of my robe.

  I backed out of his reach quickly, into the room, but with a smile of my own. “My lord, some things cannot be taught. I was brought here tonight to be another of your conquests, wasn’t I? But you are not the only one who knows how to go to war.”

  Xerxes was fully alive now, his eyes glittering and his skin flushed. “You are at war? What, or should I ask
who, do you desire to conquer?”

  “Perhaps I came to conquer a king, but discovered a man.”

  I moved away from him, toward the other side of his bed. His eyes never left mine. I held him with my gaze and removed my outer robe. “Women give you their bodies every night in this bed. But who has ever given you her heart? Your crown may give you the right to my body, but you will have to fight for my heart,” I said as the lion began to circle me slowly.

  “Why should I fight for a woman’s heart? I have their bodies. That is enough for me. And why should you want the man? If you give me a child tonight, will you not live a life of unimaginable ease? Why complicate the matter by asking for the man as well?” he replied calmly.

  Hagai was right—I knew my moment to strike.

  “You are alone in this palace, King Xerxes, as I am,” I told him. “Your women want only your money; your advisers want only your crown. Who have you to trust? Who has ever loved the man, and not alone the crown? And who will love this woman, not alone her body?”

  “You would not relinquish your heart, even as I take the body?” Xerxes asked, surprised but in no way alarmed. “So tell me, Star, how will I win your heart? Is it a matter of gold, or do you prefer the flattering words of a suitor? Have I had so many women in my bed only to forget what they want? Tell me your price, and let us come to an agreement at once,” he said, moving the scroll from the bed to the table as his eyes followed me with certain hunger. The kingdom, his empire, seemed to lie at my feet now.

  “Oh, I am afraid it is a price that is above even you, and the wealth of all your treasuries,” I replied.

  He seemed to grow impatient now, and I feared I was testing him too much. “Esther,” he sighed, “women’s flesh is but a hobby for me, an amusement. Why must you treat it as sacred? Lovemaking is only a fleeting pleasure.”

  My voice grew deep, from somewhere inside. “I am a woman, created in the image of the one true G-d. I will lay His glory at the feet of no man, and for no fleeting pleasure. To touch me is to touch the eternal.”

  He did not speak. I could not tell if he was angry at the delay, or if my words were finding their mark. He did not even seem to question which G-d I could be referring to in this pagan land. But again he sighed, and rubbing his temples wearily, he asked me again, “So, tell me of your price, my dear. What ransom must I give now for your heart, and thus your body tonight?”

  “There is only one ransom for a woman’s heart,” I continued, “and that is … love, given in honor. That is the price I would ask of you. I am not naive, King Xerxes. You may yet take my body tonight. I have no true choice in that matter. But my heart is mine alone, and I will not leave it behind tomorrow morning. ”

  Xerxes was silent for a moment. “Every woman who comes to my bed comes only by my money’s bidding, and by my money’s keep, that is true. But you, Esther, you would come for the man, and not the king? You would be won by only love, and not gold?” he asked.

  I did not reply but merely met his gaze evenly.

  He looked out across the courtyards into the night sky. “It is true I have no one in this palace, although many are my companions. Three attempts have been made on my life so far, and I have an heir in exile who will surely rise against me one day. I have faced rebellions from Egypt and Babylonia, and the failure of my men to conquer Greece. What can I offer you, Esther? There is no security here, no peace. You say you want only love. But to all others, my queen will only be respected, never loved. She will never know deep, restful sleep, and will never know when her time will be over. I may be away tending the kingdom, sampling my harem, or lying dead in the palace as an assassin comes for you. So again I ask you, Esther, will you come for the man, and not the king?”

  When I nodded, he made a decision. The Immortals guarding the chamber, their faces expressionless throughout the evening, now glanced at each other.

  He turned, picked his ring off the table of scrolls, and walked steadily to me. I was against the edge of the bed with nowhere to move now. Taking my hand in his, he placed the ring on my finger. He was so close, I could smell the deep earth of his chest. His body became a dark fortress as it encircled me and drew me close, and at last I could let my weak knees give way. His breath was hot as he whispered in my ear, “Then I will not take the body, if I cannot have your heart. Give both to me tonight, and be my queen.”

  I looked at the ring on my finger, as my legs grew soft from his near presence and manner. I struggled for the breath to ask one last question. Somehow I had always expected to marry in the way of my people, yet I forgot that this king was not even a Jew. My heart was beating too fast, my mind spinning away even as my body gave way to his; the great lion was at last taking his prey.

  “Is that all there is, then? Am I now your queen?” I asked.

  Xerxes smiled, letting down the strap on my shoulder. “My little Star, tonight you will learn much. Are not my words the law of this land? Yes. You have won your request, and I have won a bride.”

  We needed no more words that evening.[2]

  [1] King Darius had attempted to conquer Greece, but his own fleet was destroyed off the coast of Greece. According to reports by the BBC, a local Greek fisherman raised two bronze warriors’ helmets in 1999 along with his catch. Experts believe the fisherman located the spot where the fleet of Persian war vessels sank, and are currently attempting to locate further artifacts.

  [2] See corresponding commentary in appendix.

  31

  Thirtieth Day of the Month of Tevet

  Eighth Year of the Reign of Xerxes

  Year 3399 after Creation

  A servant woke me up this morning, and for a moment, I believed I was in the harem. Instead, the servant brought in a tray of hot tea and cakes made from raisins, with little slices of flat bread and a thick butter. She set it at the bedside and exited quickly. I sat up in bed, but Xerxes was gone. How strange to wake up without immediate attention to my grooming and care.

  I looked down at the ring on my finger. How different it looked, how different everything looked, in the morning sun. All my thoughts this past year had focused on last night. Now I am here, and I do not know what to do.

  I am irritated that no one prepared me for these moments after I had been received by Xerxes. And I wished to have seen their faces when they heard I had won the crown. But there is little time for imagining any more. I must call a servant, find fresh robes, and begin my adventure anew.

  32

  Sixteenth Day of the Month of Shevat

  Eighth Year of the Reign of Xerxes

  Year 3399 after Creation

  I have been brought to the king many nights now. I have had to forget what they taught me in the harem about seduction. I must learn how to love, but my heart is a most unruly child, and I cannot force her to fully love this man yet. For I have decided, resigned myself as Hagai has done, that if I will be called to this man’s bed so many nights, I will learn to love him. It is the only way I can redeem myself, my suffering. Strangely, I feel closer to Hagai now. I am a eunuch in my own way; what was precious and vital to me was severed by the crown’s command, making me more fit, and more governable than a whole woman might have been. I was destroyed, but I will rebuild, even here, even now. I will love again. A shadow of guilt still hangs about me as I write those words, as if the wind might carry them to Cyrus and wound him. I am stupid to even imagine he still waits, or cares. Men are more resolute in their affections—that is plain to see when I am near Xerxes. They decide to love or abandon, and it is finished.

  My nights are the king’s, but my days are my own. I have wandered the queen’s palace (my palace!) endlessly. It was once the beautiful Queen Vashti’s—now the native queen is an exile, and an exiled Jew is in her bed. It all remains a mystery to me, how my days have fit together into this new life. O
f course, I have told no one that I am a Jew. Only Mordecai, G-d, and this diary are witness to my deception. King Solomon said once that there is a time for everything under the sun; Mordecai tells me I must not reveal my heritage until that time has come. Mordecai still slips messages to me through the palace eunuchs, and he counsels me in the gossip of the palace, and how I must continue to conceal that I am a Jew. But I am not unhappy as I wait. My days have been filled with the preparations for the royal coronation and feast. Xerxes, in celebration of my crowning, has released everyone in the province of Susa from paying taxes for this year. I can only imagine what the reaction in the streets must have been.

  I try not to think about those streets. The joy of the coronation conceals a small matter: My freedom is forever gone. As the Queen of Persia, I will remain in the queen’s palace for the remainder of my days. If there was ever a hope of seeing my cousin Mordecai again, or of feasting my eyes on the boy whose memory still runs through my veins, they are surely gone now. Only at the coronation will the public—the noble and ruling public, that is—have a chance to lay eyes on me. After that, my beauty and my days will be for the king’s leisure only. But I try not to think about that. Mordecai stays close to the palace at night to bring me word from the village. I am able to send a servant to fetch his messages and deliver bits of my news to him. For all that weighs on my mind, however, one great joy has been given me: I am allowed to choose my servants and staff. I have selected my handmaidens from the harem, including Ashtari. It was wonderful to embrace them all again. As the date for the coronation approaches, the loose threads of my life are slowly entwining into their final, glorious design. G-d has exalted the orphan and defended the cause of the powerless. Were my story to end here today, I would be content to know only that G-d is all, and is in all.

  33

  Twentieth Day of the Month of Shevat

  Eighth Year of the Reign of Xerxes