Helmet of Horror

by Victor Pelevin

  THE HELMET OF

  HORROR

  The Myth of Theseus and the Minotaur

  Victor Pelevin

  Translated from the Russian by

  Andrew Bromfield

  Contents

  Title Page

  Mythcellaneous

  Started By Ariadne At xxx P.M. xxx xxx Bc Gmt

  About the Author

  Also By Victor Pelevin

  Copyright

  Mythcellaneous

  ‘No one realised that the book and the labyrinth were one and the same …’

  Borges, The Garden of Forking Paths

  According to one definition, a myth is a traditional story, usually explaining some natural or social phenomenon. According to another, it is a widely held but false belief or idea. This duality of meaning is revealing. It shows that we naturally consider stories and explanations that come from the past to be untrue – or at least we treat them with suspicion. This attitude, apart from creating new jobs in the field of intellectual journalism, gives some additional meaning to our life. The past is a quagmire of mistakes; we are here to find the truth. We know better.

  The road away from myth is called ‘progress’. It is not just scientific, technical or political evolution. Progress has a spiritual constituent beautifully expressed by F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Great Gatsby:

  [a belief] in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter – tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms further … And one fine morning –

  So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

  In other words, progress is a propulsion technique where we have to constantly push ourselves away from the point we occupied a moment ago. However, this doesn’t mean that we live without myths now. It only means that we live with instant myths of soap-bubble content. They are so unreal you can’t even call them lies. Anything can become our mythology for fifteen minutes, even Mythbusters programme on the Discovery channel.

  The foundation of this mind-set on progress is not faith, as happens with traditional cults, but the absence of it. However, the funny thing is that the concept of progress has been around for so long that now it has all the qualities of a myth. It is a traditional story that pretends to explain all natural and social phenomena. It is also a belief that is widespread and false.

  Progress has brought us into these variously shaped and sized cubicles with glowing screens. But if we start to analyse this high-end glow in terms of content and structure, we will sooner or later recognise the starting point of the journey – the original myth. It might have acquired a new form, but it hasn’t changed in essence. We can argue about whether we were ceaselessly borne back into the past or relentlessly pushed forward into the future, but in fact we never moved anywhere at all.

  And even this recognition is a traditional story now. A long time ago Jorge Luis Borges wrote that there are only four stories that are told and re-told: the siege of the city, the return home, the quest, and the (self-) sacrifice of God. It is notable that the same story could be placed into different categories by different viewers: what is a quest/return home for Theseus is a brutal God’s sacrifice for Minotaur. Maybe there are more than just ‘four cycles’, as Borges called them, but their number is definitely finite and they are all known. We will invent nothing new. Why?

  This is where we come to the third possible definition of a myth. If a mind is like a computer, perhaps myths are its shell programs: sets of rules that we follow in our world processing, mental matrices we project onto complex events to endow them with meaning. People who work in computer programming say that to write code you have to be young. It seems that the same rule applies to the cultural code. Our programs were written when the human race was young – at a stage so remote and obscure that we don’t understand the programming language any more. Or, even worse, we understand it in so many different ways and on so many levels that the question ‘what does it mean?’ simply loses sense.

  Why does the Minotaur have a bull’s head? What does he think and how? Is his mind a function of his body or is his body an image in his mind? Is Theseus inside the Labyrinth? Or is the Labyrinth inside Theseus? Both? Neither?

  Each answer means that you turn down a different corridor. There were many people who claimed they knew the truth. But so far nobody has returned from the Labyrinth. Have a nice walk. And if you happen to meet the Minotaur, never say ‘MOOO’. It is considered highly offensive.

  Started by ARIADNE at xxx p.m. xxx xxx BC GMT

  I shall construct a labyrinth in which I can lose myself, together with anyone who tries to find me – who said this and about what?

  :-)

  Organizm(-:

  What’s going on? Is there anyone there …?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I’m here.

  Organizm(-:

  So what’s going on round here?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Your guess is as good as mine.

  Organizm(-:

  Ariadne, are you there?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Who’s she?

  Organizm(-:

  She started this thread. Seems this isn’t the Internet, just looks like it. You can’t link to anywhere else from here.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  xxx

  Organizm(-:

  Hello! If anyone can read this, please answer.

  Nutscracker

  I can read it.

  Organizm(-:

  Who posted the first message?

  Nutscracker

  It’s been up on the board a long time.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  How can you tell? There’s no date on it.

  Nutscracker

  I saw it three hours ago.

  Organizm(-:

  Attention, roll-call. There’s just Nutcracker, Romeo and me here, is that right?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  That’s right.

  Nutscracker

  At least, we’re the only ones who want to join in.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Right, so there are three of us here.

  Nutscracker

  But where is here exactly?

  Organizm(-:

  How do you mean?

  Nutscracker

  Quite literally. Can you describe where you are now? What is it – a room, a hall, a house? A hole in someone’s xxx?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Well I’m in a room, anyway. Or a cell, I can’t tell which is more correct. Not very big. Green walls, white ceiling lamp. A bed by one wall and by the opposite wall a desk with the keyboard I’m typing on right now. The keyboard is attached rigidly to the desk. Above the desk there’s an LCD screen set in the wall behind thick glass. That’s where all these letters appear. It’s impossible to break, I tried already. The room has two doors, one made of strange, blackish-green metal. It’s locked. There’s a raised section in the middle of it. The other door’s made of wood, painted white, and it leads into a bathroom. It’s open.

  Organizm(-:

  I’ve got the same as Romeo. A locked metal door with some kind of relief design on it. A hotel-style bathroom with soap, shower gel and shampoo on the shelf under the mirror. Everything in packaging marked with a strange symbol – something like a little cogwheel. So where are you, Nutcracker?

  Nutscracker

  In the same kind of room. I think the door’s made of cast bronze. But Organism, the symbol on the soap looks more like a star than a cogwheel. In fact it looks like the symbol they use in books for a footnote. It’s even on the loo paper, every sheet.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  So we’re all in the same hotel. Let’s try knocking on the walls. C
an you hear anything?

  Organizm(-:

  No.

  Nutscracker

  Me neither.

  Organizm(-:

  I’ll try knocking on the door, listen.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I can’t hear a thing.

  Organizm(-:

  So how did we get here?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Personally speaking, I haven’t got the slightest idea. How about you, Organism?

  Organizm(-:

  I just woke up here wearing this pooftah’s housecoat with nothing underneath it.

  Nutscracker

  It’s not a housecoat. It’s a chiton – the kind of tunic the ancient Greeks used to wear, so I won’t take issue with your opinion of it. I don’t think they wore any underclothes either.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  It’s a good job it’s warm in here then.

  Organizm(-:

  So, maybe you remember how you got here, Nutcracker?

  Nutscracker

  No, I don’t.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Why have you two got such odd names – Organizm, Nutscracker?

  Nutscracker

  Well, why have you got such an odd name, Romeo? Is your cohiba really such a whopper?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I suppose that depends whose you compare it with. And anyway, it wasn’t me who invented the name. It just appears on the screen when I send a message. I’m not Romeo, I’m xxx. A professional xxx, if anyone’s interested.

  Organizm(-:

  Porn business? Socially significant work. You and I are almost colleagues, Romeo – I’m a xxx. I used to work at xxx.com, so I’m temporarily out of a job. But there’s not much danger of that for you.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  How did the porn business get mixed up in all this? And what are all these x’s?

  Nutscracker

  That’s not the first time they’ve appeared. It’s the censor. Someone’s monitoring our conversation. And he doesn’t like it when we try to exchange information about who we really are. Or start swearing.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Hey, you, whoever you are! I demand that you allow me to contact my family immediately! And the xxx embassy!

  Nutscracker

  What makes you think there’s a xxx embassy here?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  There’s a xxx embassy everywhere.

  Nutscracker

  Are you sure? What if we’re in xxx?

  Organizm(-:

  Apparently you guys can understand each other without words. But I don’t understand what the xxx embassy is, and where xxx is, if there’s no xxx embassy there. And what the xxx you want it for anyway.

  Monstradamus

  Hi there, is it okay if I join in your discussion?

  Organizm(-:

  Who are you, Monstradamus?

  Monstradamus

  xxx. I live in xxx and I’m a xxx.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Perhaps you ought to try something a bit more original?

  Monstradamus

  I’ve read all the messages on this thread. I’m in the same situation, the same room, the same fancy getup. And I don’t remember how I got here, either.

  Nutscracker

  So now we are four. That’s nice.

  Organizm(-:

  What’s so nice about it?

  Nutscracker

  Maybe more will turn up soon. The more heads we have, the better our chances of coming up with something.

  Organizm(-:

  And what if we’ve simply died?

  Nutscracker

  Don’t panic! Dead people don’t hang around in chat rooms.

  Organizm(-:

  We don’t know that for a fact. Maybe that’s all they can do.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  If this is the afterlife, then I for one am disappointed.

  Nutscracker

  Let’s discuss the situation. I suggest we don’t take Organism’s hypothesis about the afterlife into consideration.

  Organizm(-:

  Then maybe it’s a dream?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Pinch yourself. Maybe you’ll wake up. I tried already, it didn’t work.

  Nutscracker

  Right, so everybody has a bronze door. Let’s try figuring out the design on that door. It’s a figure like a rectangle with the upper and lower edges bent inwards and the sides bent outwards.

  Organizm(-:

  It looks like a bat. Or the Batman symbol.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I reckon it’s a double-headed axe.

  Organizm(-:

  Maybe it’s just decoration, without any meaning. But Romeo saying it looks like an axe has made me think so too. The fascists used to have axes like that – or was it the ancient Romans?

  Monstradamus

  If it is an axe, it’s much older than Rome. They used to have axes like that in Crete and ancient Egypt.

  Organizm(-:

  Are you a historian then, Monstradamus?

  Monstradamus

  No. I’m a xxx.

  Organizm(-:

  Hey, that’s right. I forgot.

  Ariadne

  Hi. I’m glad I’m not the only one here.

  Organizm(-:

  Hi there, darling.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Where there are boys, there have to be girls. Some funny rainbow-coloured patches of light just appeared on my walls.

  Monstradamus

  That’s odd, I had them too. Or maybe I imagined it.

  Nutscracker

  Ariadne? Did you start this thread?

  Ariadne

  Yes. But no one answered, and I fell asleep.

  Monstradamus

  So why did you write that phrase about the labyrinth?

  Ariadne

  I was trying to remember where it came from, but I couldn’t. I had the feeling it was very important.

  Monstradamus

  Who are you and how did you get here?

  Ariadne

  I’m in exactly the same situation as you.

  Organizm(-:

  In that case, we know all about you already. Your real name’s xxx, you’re xxx years old and you come from xxx.

  Ariadne

  I know what’s going on here.

  Nutscracker

  How?

  Ariadne

  I saw it all in a dream.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I don’t think I’d exactly regard that as bona fide information.

  Monstradamus

  I wouldn’t mind hearing about it, though. Tell us about it.

  Ariadne

  I saw this old city. I mean, really ancient. The kind they must have built thousands and thousands of years ago. It was really beautiful there. Roads paved with big, flat stones, stone walls covered with living curtains of some climbing plant with pale-pink flowers. The doors and windows of all the houses were locked, but all the time I had the feeling I was being watched by someone. I wandered round the streets for ages, but I didn’t meet anyone. And then on the crossroads up ahead of me I kept catching sight of a dwarf dressed in grey rags and a strange hat with a wide brim and a round crown. Every time I spotted him, he instantly darted round a corner, as though he could feel my gaze on his back. It happened lots of times, over and over again. Soon I realised he wasn’t hiding from me, it was just that the rhythm of his movement was linked with the rhythm of mine so I couldn’t see him for more than those few seconds. Only don’t ask me how I realised it, in a dream everything has its own logic. I began trying to adjust to the rhythm, trying to get a better look at the dwarf. By choosing broad, straight streets, I could keep him in my field of vision for longer. But most of the streets were narrow and crooked – the way they linked up made a genuine labyrinth. I realised there were actually two dwarves, but it was easy to confuse the second one with the first. He was dressed in exactly the same way, in some old rags, only the brim of his hat was bent up on one side. Gr
adually I became certain there was someone else with them as well, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the third person. Sometimes I could just catch a glimpse of the edge of his dark cloak from round a corner. I guessed I needed to find the way to the main street – it would be long and wide and I would be able to see all of them …

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  What’s the point of us listening to all this?

  Monstradamus

  Please, don’t interrupt. What happened after that, Ariadne?

  Ariadne

  After that I made my way to the main street. There was a long line of palm trees in tubs along the middle of it. I remember that what was most astonishing was that there were yellow leaves everywhere, it was autumn, and then here were these palm trees.

  Nutscracker

  You started off with pink flowers. Now suddenly it’s autumn, with yellow leaves.

  Ariadne

  Yes, autumn set in while I was following the dwarf. I thought he must have done that on purpose to spoil my mood and prevent me catching up with him. There was no one in the main street. I came to a large square with a fountain with bronze statues standing in it. From their style I thought they must be just as ancient as the city, but their subjects were more like something from a Japanese cartoon film – naked teenagers being strangled by tentacles twined around their bodies. Or snakes …

  Nutscracker

  What have Japanese cartoons got to do with anything?

  IsoldA

  She’s talking about mangas , young girls who are raped by demons with their tentacles. It’s a persistent theme in Japanese virtual porn.

  Monstradamus

  It’s an expression of the repressed subconscious frustration resulting from defeat in the Second World War. The schoolgirl raped in these cartoons symbolises the Japanese national spirit, and the monster that sprouts these multiple phallic tentacles represents the modern western-style corporate economy.