Helmet of Horror

by Victor Pelevin

  Nutscracker

  Or maybe they’re just octopuses?

  Monstradamus

  Octopuses? How original. I’d never have thought of that.

  Organizm(-:

  Hey, who is this Isolde? Someone new?

  IsoldA

  Yes.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Welcome to our little world, Isolde. We’re very pleased to meet you.

  IsoldA

  Thank you, Romeo.

  Organizm(-:

  Are you pretty?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Get a grip, Organism.

  Nutscracker

  Isolde, can you add anything to the sum of our experience?

  IsoldA

  No.

  Monstradamus

  Then, if no one has any objections, Ariadne can continue.

  Ariadne

  I realised I had to go over to the fountain and then I would see both dwarves. Only don’t ask me how I realised it; it was suddenly clear, that’s all. When I reached the fountain I turned my back to it and leaned against the wall. Opposite me there was a building with a colonnade – a massive, depressing building with ugly superstructures on the roof. It occurred to me somehow that a long time ago it had been burnt down, and nothing was left but the stone skeleton, and since then a lot of attempts had been made to repair it and restore it to life. But you could still see the traces of the catastrophe through the restoration work and the paint, and you could tell the building was dead and empty …

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I’d say we need an entire committee of psychiatrists for this spiel. Or we could ask Monstradamus, he’s got a good handle on this stuff. What was that phrase he used – corporate frustration?

  Monstradamus

  Romeo, please, be patient just a moment longer.

  Ariadne

  Suddenly I noticed one of the dwarves standing beside me – the one with the side of his hat bent up. I didn’t see how he got there. He was really close to me, but I couldn’t see his face under the hat. I remember he was wearing medieval-style pointed shoes in red and white stripes. He began speaking without raising his head, and what he said was very strange. He said the master he served was the creator of everything I saw around me, and a great many other things too. The way I understood it, this master of his was not a man. Or not just a man. His name was Asterisk …

  Monstradamus

  Are you sure you heard correctly?

  Ariadne

  I think so. The way the dwarf explained it, Asterisk is some boundlessly and infinitely powerful being. I asked whether he didn’t mean God, and he said that God was merely Asterisk’s errand boy. I asked how that was possible. The dwarf told me not even to try to understand. He said it was a great mystery, and repeated this several times. I asked him what was the correct name to use for someone who is mightier than God. Any name you like, the dwarf replied – the word ‘Asterisk’, or any other that can be spoken – they’re no more than loose dust covers, they make no difference at all. That was what he said, honestly …

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  What absolute gibberish.

  Ariadne

  The way I understood it, Asterisk is angry with people because at some time in the past they killed him. Or because they will kill him at some time in the future – the dwarf expressed himself in such a complicated manner, you could take his meaning any way at all. Since that time – or until that time – people have to pay tribute to Asterisk by sending him people to join in his games and die in his arena. Like us, for instance …

  Nutscracker

  Well, there you go then.

  Ariadne

  But the dwarf said there was no need to be upset, because the people Asterisk sacrifices to himself have already been born, and dying in the arena is the common fate that nobody escapes. I tried to ask in that case what was the point of the sacrificial tribute, but the dwarf began getting nervous and said, ‘Look, he’s coming, now you can see him for yourself.’ I looked up. Two figures had appeared in front of the burnt-out building. Striding along solemnly in front was a dwarf holding a flag with the Merrill Lynch symbol on it – you remember it, they have that jolly little bull – and the inscription ‘Be Bullish!’ But I didn’t feel like laughing at all, the figure following it looked so terrifying. I don’t even know what to call him. He wasn’t like a man. He was absolutely massive, and I thought for a moment he was a monstrously overgrown mushroom with a big cap of blackish-green metal. Then I took a closer look at him. He was wearing a long loose robe that reached right down to the ground, dark-coloured and not particularly clean either, but not the same kind of tattered rags as the dwarves. And on his head he had a bronze helmet, like a gladiator’s mask – a headpiece with a wide brim and a plate with holes in it where the face would be. There were two horns on the helmet …

  Monstradamus

  Like a bull’s horns?

  Ariadne

  They were much more massive and they didn’t stick out to the sides, they ran backwards, merging into the helmet to form a single block. If I could compare them with anything, they looked a lot like the silencers of a bronze motorbike, curving along the rim of the headpiece with the round crown. There were lots of little rods and tubes on the helmet as well, all made of bronze, and they linked all its different parts together, so the whole thing looked a bit like an antique rocket engine.

  Nutscracker

  Did he say anything?

  Ariadne

  No, I didn’t see him for very long. I only had just enough time to think the two dwarves were dressed so strangely because they were trying to look like him. Beside him they looked absolutely tiny. And there seemed to be something wistful or sad and lonely about him, like someone who’d been banished by the emperor. Or just the opposite, as though he was an emperor who had been left all alone because he had banished everyone else.

  Monstradamus

  Is that how the dream ended?

  Ariadne

  I didn’t see Asterisk again. Suddenly the dwarf and I were somewhere else, on one of the little streets, facing an old wooden door with a handle in the form of a ring set through the head of a bull. The dwarf knocked on the door with the ring and it opened. Inside there was a small room. From where we were standing all we could see was a bed with a man sleeping on it, a tall man with a moustache and a mole beside his nose. The dwarf muttered that we were in the wrong place, led me to a different door and opened it in the same way. The room behind it looked the same, but it was empty. The dwarf raised his finger and asked, ‘I shall construct a labyrinth in which I can lose myself, together with anyone who tries to find me – who said this and about what?’ I started thinking about it – in the dream I almost knew the answer. Then suddenly he pushed me inside and slammed the door shut.

  Monstradamus

  What happened after that?

  Ariadne

  The push woke me up and I found myself in the room I am in now. Then I sat down at the desk with the screen and typed in that question. I was afraid I might forget it. But I can still hear it in my head now.

  Monstradamus

  Is it the same room as you entered in the dream?

  Ariadne

  It’s hard to say. It’s just as small.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  And who was the man with the mole beside his nose?

  Ariadne

  I don’t know. I’d never seen him before.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Can you describe him in more detail? Exactly where was this mole of his?

  Ariadne

  Between the side of the nostril and the cheek. He had a horseshoe moustache too. And he was absolutely bald. Big. I definitely remember that his arm was lying on the pillow and it had a tattoo on it, an anchor with a dollar sign twisted round it. I though it might be a yacht club symbol. A pretty moth-eaten type really.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Well thanks a lot, sweetheart.

  Nutscracker

  I suspect someone
might just have recognised himself. Right, Romeo?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  No one’s ever called me a moth-eaten type before. But I do have a tattoo like that on my arm.

  Nutscracker

  So does anyone have any ideas?

  Organizm(-:

  I don’t get it, are we seriously discussing someone’s dream?

  UGLI 666

  I think …

  Nutscracker

  New members, please introduce yourselves to the group straightaway. What do you think?

  UGLI 666

  The Lord sent her that vision to make us repent.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  That’s just great. We’ve been locked up in here, and we have to repent? Repent for what?

  UGLI 666

  What we were locked up for.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  And what were we locked up for?

  UGLI 666

  Each of us for his own reason. For it is said: ‘There is no man that shall live without sin, though his life be but a single day.’

  Organizm(-:

  Ugly, what sex are you?

  UGLI 666

  That’s of no relevance.

  Organizm(-:

  Is he/she really serious?

  Monstradamus

  I think he/she means what he/she says.

  UGLI 666

  I’m female, since it interests you so very much. My name’s xxx, I’m a xxx by profession and a xxx by education, but by vocation I’ve always been a xxx. I’ve read everything already. And I have nothing interesting to add. As for whether I’m being serious or not, you can be quite sure I always mean what I say.

  Organizm(-:

  Tell me, Ugly, did you invent your views to match your name or was your name invented to match your views?

  UGLI 666

  My name’s for my sins. And so is yours.

  Organizm(-:

  But do you know what ‘UGLI’ really means? It’s not from the word ‘ugly’ as you probably thought. It’s ‘Universal Gate for Logic Implementation’. A universal logic element, I remember that from school. So if you chose your views to match your name you were looking in the wrong place altogether.

  Monstradamus

  We were talking about Ariadne’s dream. It has been suggested that she was shown it specially and it contains information for everyone.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  What does that mean – shown it specially? This isn’t a cinema. And if the information’s for everyone, then why was it shown to Ariadne?

  Organizm(-:

  You’ll get a showing too, don’t be in such a hurry.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  You think that monster in the bronze helmet really is walking about outside our doors?

  UGLI 666

  You don’t have to take everything so literally. In the dream the door was made of wood, with a bull’s head. But in here it’s made of bronze, with an infernal symbol. Dreams are metaphorical.

  IsoldA

  Ariadne saw Romeo in her dream and when she described him he recognised himself. What kind of metaphor is that?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Who says I recognised myself? It was just a couple of details that matched.

  IsoldA

  But what kind of details? There can’t be many tattoos like that. An anchor with a dollar sign.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Let’s introduce a bit of clarity here. I actually do have a tattoo on my arm, just above the wrist. It’s a fountain of oil, gushing up through a dollar sign. From upside down it looks a bit like an anchor. That’s all. I don’t know what tattoo she saw. And my yacht club symbol is nothing like that.

  Sartrik

  xxx me, a xxx sailor.

  Nutscracker

  New members, once again, please introduce yourselves.

  Sartrik

  I’m absolutely xxx. My entire body aches.

  Monstradamus

  Have you been beaten up, or what?

  Sartrik

  I feel sick. Is there any beer to be had around here?

  Monstradamus

  I doubt it. Did you overdo it yesterday then?

  Sartrik

  Something of the sort.

  Nutscracker

  How did you end up in here?

  Sartrik

  I don’t remember a thing.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Leave the man alone, let him get his head together. But can this dream of Ariadne’s be interpreted scientifically? Seems to me Monstradamus knows about that kind of thing.

  Monstradamus

  What does ‘interpreted scientifically’ mean?

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Well, for instance, this Asterisk is tall, with a big helmet. That symbolises the male sexual organ in a state of erection.

  Organizm(-:

  And the two dwarves symbolise the balls, do they?

  Nutscracker

  Cool it, Romeo. Sometimes a cochiba’s just a cigar.

  IsoldA

  Could you talk about that separately somehow?

  UGLI 666

  I second that motion.

  Organizm(-:

  Unfortunately we can’t just go out into the corridor.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  You didn’t answer the question, Monstradamus. Can the dream be analysed?

  Monstradamus

  If you’re thinking of penis symbolism, then I’ve got nothing to add to what Nutcracker said. But I do have a few observations along an entirely different line. I can share them if you’re interested.

  Nutscracker

  Of course we’re interested.

  Monstradamus

  In the first place, the names. Has anyone any guesses on that score?

  UGLI 666

  Names of demons from hell.

  Monstradamus

  The soap, the toilet paper and other items in the bathroom are all marked with something that looks like the symbol for indicating a footnote – a little star. It’s called an asterisk, which is also the name of the character Ariadne dreamed about. It sounds a lot like ‘Asterius’.

  UGLI 666

  What’s ‘Asterius’?

  Monstradamus

  ‘Starry’ in Latin. Asterius, the son of Minos and Parsiphae. The half-man, half-animal from Crete. Better known as the Minotaur.

  Sartrik

  That one on the ‘Remy Martin’ bottle?

  Organizm(-:

  No, the ‘Remy Martin’ beast is a Cyclops. The Minotaur is a freak with a bull’s head.

  Sartrik

  God, I feel really sick.

  Monstradamus

  Now for that double axe on the door. In Greek it’s called a ‘labros’. That’s where we get the word ‘Labyrinth’, the place where the Minotaur lived. Some accounts say it was a beautiful palace with lots of corridors and rooms, according to others it was a foul-smelling cave with numerous branches plunged in eternal darkness. Or it could be that people from different cultures had different impressions of the same place.

  IsoldA

  But what has an axe got to do with a labyrinth?

  Monstradamus

  They find them in Crete. Where the labyrinth was. That’s all I know.

  UGLI 666

  Maybe the Minotaur was killed with an axe like that?

  Monstradamus

  Let me go on with the names. As well as Asterius and Asterisk, it’s hard not to notice another coincidence. It was Ariadne who dreamed about him. That was the name of the Minotaur’s sister. And it was also Ariadne who started this thread with the question about the labyrinth.

  IsoldA

  It’s a very common name. I had a lotion for dry skin called ‘Ariadne’s Milk’.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  Names and coincidences are all very well. But what I don’t understand is – what are we going to do?

  Monstradamus

  Well, what can we do? Wait for Theseus, who will lead us out of the labyrinth. And hope the joke doesn’t go
too far.

  UGLI 666

  Does it seem like a joke to you?

  Monstradamus

  Well, I’d say our hosts certainly seem to have a sense of humour.

  Romeo-y-Cohiba

  I haven’t laughed even once yet.

  Nutscracker

  Monster’s right. There’s definitely humour in all of this, only it’s infernal humour. Forcing serious people like us to call each other by idiotic names. Dressing us in ancient Greek chitons and making us sit at these screens. And then the Internet we end up in has about as much to do with the real one as we do with Ancient Greece.

  Organizm(-:

  It’s not really all that different. The screen design is an imitation of the ‘Guardian’ site. The heading is the same – ‘Guardian Unlimited’. And the chat area looks the same. The difference is there are hundreds of threads there. But we’ve only got one.

  Monstradamus

  The name makes sense though. Our Guardian really is unlimited.

  Nutscracker

  And another joke is the Merrill Lynch symbol on the flag.

  Organizm(-:

  But Ariadne saw the flag in a dream, so it’s not clear whose joke it is. Our moderators’ or hers.

  Monstradamus

  I wouldn’t like to alarm anyone, but shouldn’t we consider the possibility that Ariadne herself is also a joke by our moderators, as Organism called them.

  Organizm(-:

  Why’s that?

  Monstradamus

  Because, phenomenologically speaking, she only exists in the form of messages of unknown origin signed ‘Ariadne’.