Helmet of Horror
Page 3
Ariadne
Thanks. Ariadne.
Monstradamus
Ariadne, please don’t take offence. I’m talking about a hypothetical possibility. It doesn’t mean I suspect you of anything. The same thing could apply to any of us.
Organizm(-:
What does ‘phenomenologically’ mean?
Monstradamus
It’s the way you can see these words now.
Ariadne
Everything I told you was the truth.
Nutscracker
Nobody ever doubted it. Nebuchadnezzar’s just theorising, right?
Monstradamus
I’m not Nebuchadnezzar.
Nutscracker
Sorry, Monstradamus.
Monstradamus
I’m no more Monstradamus than I am Nebuchadnezzar, so what’s the difference?
Organizm(-:
You know what I think? Either no one’s noticed it or everyone has, but no one’s saying.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What’s that, then?
Organizm(-:
We don’t post our messages complete, like in a normal chat room. The words appear on the screen one letter at a time, in real time. We can even interrupt each other, and then three dots appear at the end of the phrase that’s interrupted.
Nutscracker
Everyone’s noticed that.
Organizm(-:
But at the same time, as far as I can tell, no one’s made a single spelling mistake yet. Not a single typing error. Doesn’t that seem a bit strange?
Monstradamus
That’s richt.
Nutscracker
They cantroll our entire canvasation.
IsoldA
Are yew ploying the foul?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
No, I woodn’t deram of it.
Monstradamus
Me kneether. It’s the mooderattors.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Step mucking us, you ratten scam!
UGLI 666
There’s no point in getting upset, Romeo. It won’t help matters.
IsoldA
Have they really stopped?
Organizm(-:
Good for you, Romeo! They did what you told them to. Why not try telling our moderators to do something else?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Stick your xxx up your xxx and give it a double right twist.
IsoldA
They’re following every word we write.
Monstradamus
Maybe that’s why Theseus isn’t saying anything?
Organizm(-:
What Theseus?
Nutscracker
The one who killed the Minotaur, Organism. Or who has to kill him. What do you have in mind, Monstradamus?
Monstradamus
Maybe he’s already here, but he doesn’t want the moderator to notice him. And I suspect the moderator’s our bronze mushroom.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
You talk about him as if you’d seen him with your own eyes. But we don’t actually have any reason to believe he exists.
Ariadne
Who do you mean? Theseus or Asterisk?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Both.
Monstradamus
And for exactly the same reason, Romeo, there’s no reason to believe that you exist.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
That just about does it. Leave it out, will you?
Ariadne
Perhaps Theseus is one of us?
Nutscracker
Perhaps the Minotaur’s one of us.
Organizm(-:
I bet a hundred xxx the Minotaur’s Monstradamus.
Monstradamus
Stop clowning about.
Organizm(-:
Theseus, answer us!
IsoldA
At least tell us if you’re here or not! Theseus!
Monstradamus
By the way. If the moderators can fulfil our wishes, why don’t we ask them to open the door?
UGLI 666
But what’s outside the door?
Organizm(-:
We can find out.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
You be careful, or the door might really go ahead and open.
Ariadne
I’ve composed a little poem. Dedicated to Monstradamus.
Monstradamus
Let’s hear it.
Ariadne
The Minotaur lurks at the door,
His axe it gleams moon-bright.
‘Dear Watson this could not be more …’
Then silence in the night.
Monstradamus
A bit on the dark side. But maybe I deserve it for being so suspicious.
Organizm(-:
An experiment. Doors, open!
UGLI 666
Lord have mercy!
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I warned you!
Ariadne
Did it happen in all the rooms?
Monstradamus
It did in mine.
UGLI 666
Do you mean the music or the door?
Ariadne
The whole thing at once.
IsoldA
I’ve got sky outside. Grey. Looks a bit like a park. Everything seems quiet. I’m going out to explore.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Hey, Isolde, wait! It could be dangerous out there!
UGLI 666
It’s dark out there.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Isolde!
Nutscracker
Did everyone hear the trumpets?
Ariadne
Do you think they were trumpets?
Organizm(-:
Doors, close!
Nutscracker
xxx be praised.
Monstradamus
Organizm, don’t go trying any more experiments like that.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Now how’s Isolde going to get back? Doors, open!
Nutscracker
xxx, eh? Again!
Monstradamus
Let’s just keep calm and get our bearings.
Organizm(-:
Okay, I think I’ve got it. When the door opens, a lever shaped like a leg with a hoof moves out and down.
UGLI 666
Lord save us and keep us!
Nutscracker
To make the door close, you push the lever. To make it open, you press on the axe in the middle. So everyone can open their own door when they want to.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
It works.
Monstradamus
What can you see outside the door?
Ariadne
There’s another room outside mine.
UGLI 666
Semi-darkness. Benches, a lot of benches.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Fresh air at last.
Sartrik
Two fridges full of booze. So there is a God after all!
Organizm(-:
Plywood walls painted to look like bricks. It all looks pretty naff.
Nutscracker
I’ve got a load of electronic equipment.
Organizm(-:
I’m hungry. Hey, you moderators, how’s about a bit of nosh down here? Right … I think I’ve got it. You have to turn this thingy that way, and then that thingy this way … Now we’re talking.
Monstradamus
What?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What was it you turned, tell us.
Organizm(-:
They sent down some pancakes with jam. Not bad for Ancient Greece. I feel like a nice quiet meal, so I’m taking a break now.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Enjoy your meal. Just tell us what it was you turned.
Organizm(-:
When I’m feeding my tum, I go all deaf and dumb.
Ariadne
Organism, you only need to type two words! Then you can go ahead and eat in peace.
Nutscracker
Organism, we’re all asking you.
Organizm(-
:
I’m busy.
UGLI 666
I never understood before why gluttony is a sin. Then a spiritual friend of mine explained. Gluttony is not so very terrible in itself. But it’s a sign of a base soul. The same thing applies to debauchery. The soul doesn’t become debased through committing these acts. A base soul manifests itself through them.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
No, you won’t get under his skin that easily.
Monstradamus
Moderators! Give us all something to eat!
Ariadne
I heard some kind of noise. But where’s the food?
Monstradamus
There’s a small flap to the right of the monitor. Just a rectangle in the wall. Lift the flap and you’ll find a tray behind it.
Ariadne
I found it, thank you.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
But what are you supposed to turn? Organism said …
Ariadne
He was just joking, Romeo. Having a laugh.
Nutscracker
Let’s all eat in peace. Bon appetit .
IsoldA
I’m back. Who’s there?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I am. Is everything all right?
IsoldA
Yes.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I was worried.
IsoldA
I was only gone for a moment. Where’s everyone else?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
They’re eating. There’s just the two of us.
IsoldA
What’s outside your door?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
A labyrinth of neatly trimmed rough bushes higher than my head. And running between the bushes is a dirt pathway.
IsoldA
And I’ve got the same kind of bushes along the sides of an alley.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
An alley?
IsoldA
My door opens into a park. The alley starts right outside and along the sides there are bushes. With treetops showing above them in places.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What I’ve got is more like a corridor between the bushes, I wouldn’t call it an alley. And it starts winding straightaway, so I can’t see anything but leaves. It’s more like a narrow corridor than anything else, neatly sliced through the bushes by something like a combine harvester.
IsoldA
What colour is the ground there?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Beige.
IsoldA
It’s beige here too. We’re near each other!
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What else did you see?
IsoldA
I didn’t go very far. There are lots of alleys, and they keep branching and twisting and turning corners. I wasn’t afraid in the least. Quite the opposite, what I saw gave me a really good feeling. The labyrinth might be complex, but it’s impossible to get lost in.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Why?
IsoldA
Because there’s a plan hanging at every place the path branches. And there’s a little sign on the plan: ‘You are here’.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
That’s handy all right. And wasn’t there any little sign saying: ‘The Minotaur is here’?
IsoldA
No.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I was joking. Did you meet anyone?
IsoldA
No. But several times I had the feeling there was someone just round the corner.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
And was there anything like what Ariadne was talking about?
IsoldA
Yes, kind of. Only not exactly. Once I spotted some roofs above the bushes, but they were a long way off. And I saw fountains with different kinds of figures.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Like the one Ariadne talked about?
IsoldA
I don’t know. I went through a few forks in the path and at every one there was a small … I don’t know what to call it – an oasis, I suppose. Trees and a fountain with bronze figures of animals. First a hare and a tortoise. They were sitting facing each other, with their faces lifted up to the sky. Their mouths were open and there were long thin streams of water spurting out. To be quite honest, it looked a bit ridiculous, as though they were spitting at an invisible ceiling that was too high, so that everything just fell back down on their own heads. At another fork there was a fountain with a fox and a crow. The crow was high up in the tree, and so big it looked more like an eagle. There was a water pipe leading up to it, hidden among the leaves. The fox was squatting on his haunches gazing up at the crow as though it was trying to hit it with the stream of water spurting out of its throat, but it couldn’t reach high enough. The crow had its wings pulled back and up and its beak was open, and there was another stream of water spurting out of that, as though the sight of the fox made it feel sick.
Sartrik
Now that’s something I can understand.
IsoldA
What do you understand?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Take no notice. You’re a wonderful storyteller, Isolde. It was like seeing it all with my own eyes.
IsoldA
Yes, I forgot to say. The plan that was hanging everywhere looked more like an old engraving than something modern. Or like an enlarged photocopy of an engraving. And written on it in this strange oblique typeface was: plan du labirinthe de versailles . What could that mean? Is it from the word ‘verse’? Because there are characters from fables in the fountains?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
A plan of the labyrinth at Versailles. That’s a real piece of luck.
IsoldA
Versailles? Then why is it written with a small letter?
Monstradamus
I could suggest that’s not really the strangest thing about our surroundings.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Do you mind not butting into other people’s conversations?
Monstradamus
Sorry, I didn’t realise it was private.
IsoldA
And where did you go, Romeo?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I haven’t been outside yet.
IsoldA
Why not?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I think it’s some kind of trap.
IsoldA
I think it’s a trap, too. But we’re already caught in it anyway. And the room you’re sitting in is just as much a part of it as what’s outside the door.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
That’s true. I suppose I ought to go out and scout around. Maybe I could find the way to your fountains.
IsoldA
Wait, Romeo. It’s dark out there already. You can go tomorrow. Why don’t you tell me what you look like instead? Are you like what Ariadne said?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I don’t understand why everyone’s decided I was the man she dreamed about. The only things we have in common are the tattoo and the moustache. We’ve already dealt with the tattoo. That just leaves the moustache. And that’s like identifying a man by the colour of his tie.
IsoldA
Are you really bald?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Not bald, my head’s shaved. That’s a big difference. People go bald because they have no choice, but they shave their heads out of self-respect. Even if it does look the same from a distance. And my mole is really small, you can hardly see it. And anyway, who doesn’t have some kind of a mole on his face?
IsoldA
Are you handsome?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What does ‘handsome’ mean?
IsoldA
Well, it means a man is nice to look at.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Nice for who? I got used to the way I look ages ago. And as far as anyone else is concerned, it depends on the circumstances. But one thing I can say for certain is you needn’t be afraid of being with me.
IsoldA
What do you mean? Do you mean I wouldn’t be frightened of you?
Or do you mean that with you I wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything?
Nutscracker
He’s trying to say that if you’re with him even he won’t frighten you.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Just give people a chance to talk, will you? Isolde, can I ask you something about yourself?
IsoldA
Such as?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Such as … Do you like poetry?
IsoldA
Sometimes.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Who’s your favourite poet?
IsoldA
Caroline Kennedy.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What has she written?
IsoldA
‘The Favourite Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis.’
Romeo-y-Cohiba
And what do you look like?
IsoldA
How would you like me to look?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I’d like to know how you really look.
IsoldA
Medium height. Dark hair. Green eyes. They say I’m beautiful.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
But can you describe yourself so I can imagine how you look?
IsoldA
I have been told … But I’m not sure it’s worth mentioning.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What have you been told?
IsoldA
I was compared once to a cover of ‘The New Yorker’ that had a drawing of Monica Lewinsky as the Mona Lisa. Only I look five times younger.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
You mean you look like Monica Lewinsky?
IsoldA
No, not at all.
Romeo-y-Cohiba