Finding Cait

by Sarah White

  Afterlife or no afterlife, it no longer matters. Whatever is out there, dirt or a new beginning has to be better than the pain and grief I feel here. I am surrounded by death and loss, sorrow paints every wall around me.

  I hear Matt leave the hallway and my heart aches knowing he needs me but I am not available to help. I will be another death for him, but mine will be the kind he knows how to survive. It will be the kind that just happens, out of nowhere not Court’s kind which tortures your soul with ever last minute you try to say goodbye, waiting for death to come claim her.

  When I know the hall is clear I slip out of my room and make my way to Court’s door. Turning the knob I take a deep breath one last time to gather any strength I might have to face what is on the other side. Feeling a presence at the end of the hall I look to see what has pulled my attention. When our eyes meet we stand for a minute locked into an unspoken conversation. Matt nods his head as if to acknowledge the pain I am about to face and to offer the encouragement I might need. I raise the corners of my mouth in a tight smile to say thanks, then turn back to the door that separates the living from the dying.

  Chapter 24

  Cait

  Courtney is asleep on her bed but when I enter she turns to me and opens her eyes. She smiles and pats the bed next to her inviting me to sit beside her. My feet have never felt so heavy and my heart aches more with each step I take. I am still in my pajamas so I climb in next to her and wrap my arm over her frail body. I rest my chin on her shoulder and touch my forehead to her cheek. Courtney pats my arm and I can see her bottom lip quiver as she turns her head away from me.

  “I am so sorry I asked you to be here Cait, it was selfish of me. I know what you have been through and you shouldn’t have to watch me die. I was just so scared to be alone.”

  A whimper escapes my throat and I swallow in an attempt to keep more from coming. “You never could have stopped me Court. I just wish I could be stronger for you.” I bury my nose into her shoulder and breathe her in as we lay in silence. “You need to know what you have meant to me...what you will always mean to me. You have been my anchor since we were ten. Every happy childhood memory has you in it. You have been there in the good times and you have been there to make the bad times better.

  “I remember when you taught me how to put on make-up and braid my hair. When I was older you went with me and we bought my first bra with money we had both saved from babysitting jobs. You have been my best friend, my sister, and my mother. I am going to miss you so much.” I have to stop because I am choking on the lump in my throat. I take a deep breath to try and calm down but my chest and stomach still jumps with the sobs as the tears flowed heavily down my face.

  “Cait you gave me so much too. You taught me how to sneak out, to push my limits so I could enjoy life and if you think that sneaking over here to talk to me was only benefitting you then you are crazy. I needed you then like I need you now. When I am gone we will be far from even. I will never be given the chance to pay you back for what I have asked you to do here. I called you up in the middle of your busy life to ask you to watch me die. My soul will always be in debt to you.”

  I hugged her as tight as I thought she could handle and then asked her a question I was afraid to hear her answer, “Are you scared to die?”

  “I was, I was scared and angry. I was mad that I would die alone and that God wasn’t answering my pleas to stay here long enough to see you and Matt happy in your lives. I don’t care about the things other cancer patients are mad about. I never wanted to get married and having children after what Matt and I had been through was not something I think I could have ever had the courage to do. At this point in my life I have done everything I wanted except maybe travel a little more, but I traveled to so many places through your stories.

  “It was because of you that I have been able to experience so many places, to experience the good and bad of being married, and the sadness of losing a child. My life feels full because of you. I can’t be mad at a God that brings my brother home from war even though he is taking me earlier than I planned. Having you and Matt here has made me relax and embrace the time I have left. I have told you what I want it to be like when I leave this earth and I know that it cannot hurt any worse than I already have experienced through the biopsies, chemo and radiation. I am ready to go when you guys are ready to let me.”

  I know she needs me to say I am ready, that I would be okay when she was gone. I had never lied to her in the whole time we had been friends and I couldn’t lie to her today. Instead I closed my eyes and tuck my face into her neck and she places her hand on the back of my head to soothe me. I wasn’t ready for her to go, I would never be okay with her death but my heart was being selfish. I was in a healthy body and I wanted to leave, of course she should be granted the peace of dying.

  “I love you,” I whisper into her neck.

  “I love you too,” she whispers back.

  Matt lightly knocks on the door before walking into the quiet room. I lay next to Court with my arm still wrapped around her. I can feel her nod in his direction and I look up into his eyes as he holds up the small bottle of morphine to let me know it was time. I kiss her cheek and then reach for the small bottle. I can’t help but to want to swallow it all myself to try to stop this pain but I read the label and quickly fill up the small dropper with her dose.

  I place the end in the corner of her mouth and she turns her lips up into a smile. I give the bottle and dropper back to Matt and then tuck my head back into her neck until she falls asleep. When I hear her breaths even out I look up to Matt again and he is standing at the end of the bed with his arms crossed, leaning on the dresser.

  “I couldn’t tell her it was ok,” I say to him and then feel my lip start to quiver again. My voice rushes out of my throat being pushed by the muscles that clench around it.

  “She needs that Cait” he says as he walks around to the side of the bad where I am. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks down at me, “It is almost lunch and she is going to be asleep for a few hours again. Let’s walk down to that little café and grab a sandwich.” The thought of eating makes me nauseous but I know he can sense that I am suffocating here so I agree.

  “Give me a few minutes to take a shower” I say as I climb out of her bed and try to stand but my knees feel so weak beneath me. Heading down the hall to my room I am heartbroken and lost. If only I could have the strength I have had in the past, to face this loss like the others, but I don’t. Nothing more can be taken from me and that emptiness inside me is growing wider each hour that passes.

  I don’t remember taking a shower but before I know it I am standing in the living room putting on my sweatshirt. Matt puts a key to the house under a small plant as we leave and soon we are walking down the quiet road towards the café. The heaviness on our hearts weighs us down and I blink my eyes in an effort to soothe them from the wind as my crying has left them sore and defenseless.

  Matt grabs at a low branch that is hanging over the sidewalk and then breaks the branch into pieces and throws it aimlessly out into the empty road one piece at a time. My phone vibrates in my pocket so I pull it out to confirm my suspicion that it is Elliot again. I click the ignore button and the phone stops vibrating as his call is sent to voicemail.

  “You are going to have to talk to him sometime,” Matt says as he throws the last piece into the street.

  “I know. I just can’t bring myself to hear his voice. I didn’t ask for anything so there should be nothing to argue over. All that is left are his questions and I don’t feel I owe him those answers.” I tuck a strand of my hair back that has fallen from my ponytail.

  “You are right, you don’t owe him anything but avoiding him is clearly not making him go away. Why are you not asking for anything? You built that life together,” he says staring straight into my eyes until I look away.

  “It is all just stuff and to be honest it is suffocating me. He can have it all, I don’t need any of it.” M
y eyes find their way to the street to avoid meeting Matt’s.

  “You’re something else, you know that,” he chuckles, “so what is your plan?”

  My plan is to die but I can’t share that with him so instead I just shrug my shoulders and look ahead. We are close to the café now so I just hope he doesn’t ask me more about it before the people on the patio of the small café can distract us.

  “I know it isn’t my business, I’m sorry,” I can hear the hurt in his voice while he shakes his head and looks forward to the busy café.

  “It’s not a big deal, I guess I will just rebuild my life without him,” a thought that had never been able to leave my mouth before. A few months ago there was no life without him and now as I walk to the busy café I start to wonder what that life might look like. It doesn’t really matter now, I know that losing Courtney will make living impossible.

  We order our sandwiches and I try to pay but Matt insists. We find a nice table at the corner of the patio and wait for our sandwiches. I decide that the only way to get the conversation off of my life was to ask about his. “So what is your plan?” I ask.

  “I’m leaving again. I have talked to my superiors and as soon as we finish up her wishes I am shipping out again to be with my unit. I don’t know any other way Cait. I don’t need the money, with what my sister is leaving me and the house I could stay here and find something to keep me busy but I will be alone.” He leans back as the young girl places our sandwiches on the table. I watch her looking at him but he doesn’t notice either of us. “Sandra called me this morning.”

  Matt must have been able to tell I wasn’t sure who that was so he finished chewing and began explaining, “Sandra is my last girlfriend. We were together for three years. I tried to love her but I guess I loved my job more. I wanted to stay with my unit so even though I could have got out of the deployment since I had just come back from one I chose to go voluntarily. She begged me to stay, to move in with her and start a family. I wasn’t ready so I left. She broke up with me and then found her way to my friend.”

  “What does she want?” I asked before taking a bite of my food.

  “She heard about Court and wanted to offer her help. I guess she and my friend broke up a few months ago and she would like to come talk about giving us another try.” He stares into my eyes waiting for my response. I swallow hard, not sure why my heart feels like it is breaking even more. Curiosity burns inside me as I realize the emotion I felt stab my heart was jealousy. For a relationship? For Matt? For a family? My brain quickly tells me it doesn’t matter and I take a deep breath to clear my thoughts of the anchors to this life. He deserves all of that but that ship has long set sail for the two of us.

  “Are you considering meeting up with her?” I ask and then hold my breath while I wait for his answer.

  “I am not sure.”

  Fighting the urge to tell him he deserves better and that seeing him with someone else right now would crush me, I take a bite of my sandwich to render my mouth incapable of saying those words. I try to rationalize to myself that the pull I feel towards him is based only on his looks and this horribly emotional situation we are in with his sister. My heart fights back telling me that I have always been pulled towards him but was never available. In the end my brain wins and I swallow my food and look up to meet the eyes that have been staring at me. “What’s stopping you?” I ask.

  Chapter 25

  Matt

  Did she really just ask what is stopping me? I don’t know if she is blind or I am just really that confused. I feel the need to be with her so strong that it steals my breath. I lay awake at night when she thinks I have fallen asleep and I watch her, praying that one day she will feel the need to be with me like I need her. Wanting to be with her, hang on to that one small chance that I didn’t mess up the most important thing in the world one night when I was a teenager...that is what was stopping me.

  I stare at her not sure where to even start. I don’t know if there is anything I can say that will express to her the way I feel. Damn it! I am pissed that she even has to ask me what is stopping me from calling an ex-girlfriend. She has to be the single most frustrating woman on the planet. I don’t know how much more I can take of this complete ambivalence when we are discussing our futures.

  There has to be something that she is not sharing with me that prevents her from letting herself take a chance on us. I can’t believe that I could be that far off in the idea that she is attracted to me, that she had wanted me again. I can’t take this anymore I have to know where I stand before this woman brings me to my knees. If she can look me in the eye and say she doesn’t feel it too then I have to let it go and accept that the only place I will hold in her life is that of a friend. As pathetic as it sounds I know I will take whatever I can get.

  Chapter 26

  Cait

  “Cait I need to know if you feel what is happening here” Matt says as he leans over the table and motions to the space between us. I know what he is talking about but I don’t know what to say. There is something easy and familiar about being by each other and a tension between us that is close to electric. My stomach turns and that familiar lump returns to my throat as I think about my answer.

  He looks around the cafe as if someone might be watching and then leans in so close to me I feel intoxicated by his presence. “Say I have a chance Cait, that you would give me the opportunity to love you and take care of you. Tell me if you feel the same need to be close to me as I have felt about you since we were kids.” His eyes are locked onto mine and I notice I am not breathing.

  The what ifs start playing though my head but then I remember Court and that when she is gone he will leave too. If I admit to my need to be near him then I would be choosing to stay around and live without them both. My heart beats heavy in my chest as I look him in the eye and lie to save us both that pain, “Matt, there is nothing left of my heart to give you. You will need someone when Court dies but I cannot be that person.”

  Matt lets out a big breath. He leans back in his chair and clasps his fingers together on top of his head. After a few long minutes he leans in again but this time his face looks so sad. My heart skips a beat as he reaches down and takes my hand in his. “Okay.”

  We finish and stay at the café a little while longer both pretending to eat but knowing that neither of us can put much in our stomachs while our hearts are so heavy. We begin our walk back to the house in silence. I can feel the weight of so many unanswered questions between us. Just when the silence was growing to an unbearable level Matt looks to me and says, “Please tell me about your baby.”

  A wave of emotions begins to rise inside me. Sadness threatens to take my voice but the warmth I feel having Matt care about such an important part of my life soothes the ache and allows me to answer. “I had just found out it was a girl. We had tried for two years before we conceived and finding out that I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life. Elliot and I were going to name her Emma. I called your sister after every appointment telling her about the heartbeat, her size and any movement I had felt.” Matt looks away from me as I tears up. I can see that his heart broke for me. After wiping away the tears I continued, “I went to my check up that morning feeling like something was wrong. By the time I entered the exam room I had already begun bleeding. My doctor sent me to the ER and they confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat. I had to be rushed into surgery so that I could avoid bleeding to death or being infected.”

  Describing that experience I have never been able to come close to expressing what it actually felt like. To wake up with your dream alive and inside you in the morning only to be put to sleep to awaken again empty of the dream and hope. No metaphor for loss can compete with the physical experience of having dreams surgically removed.

  “I am so sorry Cait. I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt.”

  “I didn’t just feel it then Matt, I still feel it today. I had wanted to be a mom more than anything else. I
wanted to give a baby what my mother could not give me. Love, attention and a good home. I entered the worst depression of my life and have been trying to climb out of that dark hole ever since. Elliot’s affair probably would have killed me if I didn’t have your sister and some level of numbness from the loss of Emma.”

  “I can’t believe that asshole. I can see why you don’t want to answer his calls, I would want to kill him.”

  “Trust me, your sister and I considered it,” I say as I smile and look him in the eyes. “I just didn’t have any energy left to give him. When I found out about the affair I confronted him, I guess hoping he would say he was sorry and we could try again but he didn’t. He just told me he would get his stuff and be out of the house by the next day. Perhaps he had no fight left in him either.”

  We continue to walk towards the house. I can hear his phone vibrate in his pocket but he ignores it until we enter the house and are standing in the living room. I tell him I am going to check on Court and then maybe take a nap. He nods and heads down the hall for the extra bedroom. His voice sounds muffled as he returns her call and shuts the door behind him.

  Courtney is pale and trembles in her bed as I feed her the morphine. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and holds my hand in hers as she waits for the medicine to take effect. I can see her shoulders relax and she meets my eyes with hers. “He finally told you didn’t he?” she asked through half-opened eyes.

  “Told me what?” I ask nervous for what bad news he may have had that he didn’t share.

  “That he loves you.”

  “He doesn’t love me Court. Watching you die is making us both ache with loneliness. He will forget about me as soon as you are gone and I don’t want to...” I draw in a deep breath, “I don’t want to be left again.” I put my hands up to my face and cover my eyes as I lose control.