Finding Cait

by Sarah White

  “Cait, he has loved you since we were young. He has never thought he was good enough for you no matter what I have told him over the years. He may leave you, that is what he does and I won’t deny that, but he will love you until the day that you die and I am completely convinced of that.” She closes her eyes and releases my hand.

  Court doesn’t know that the day that I die is not far off. I want to tell her that I am scared, scared that I might love him too. Her breathing evens out again letting me know that the beautiful window of clarity has passed and I will have to wait a few more hours to share anything with her. By then I will have talked myself out of spilling my heart to a dying friend.

  I sit on the couch in silence waiting for the nerve to call Elliot back. He has not left any messages and I don’t know what I should expect when I dial his number. I hear Matt come down the hallway and I look up to see him enter the room. His jeans hang low on his hips and the black t-shirt he is wearing clings to his muscles. He has taken a shower and I can smell his scent as he looks around for his keys. I know he is going to meet her. I can’t help but to think I have pushed him to her, if I would have been honest with him he would be here with me on the couch and the loneliness would not be so unbearable.

  “I have my phone if you need anything. I shouldn’t be long but it’s late so lock the door just in case. I have a key. Are you going to be okay?”

  Nodding my head yes and try to smile. My phone starts vibrating on the couch next to me and I can see the disappointment in Matt’s face when he sees Elliot’s name on the screen. He looks away quickly but his wound is so obvious. “Night Cait,” he says without looking back. I’m sure he won’t be back until tomorrow and it kills me so I hold my tears in until I know he is gone. Alone I sit on the couch, crying into a pillow, wanting to be dead already. The vibrating phone is relentless, I ignore Elliot’s calls and texts for hours as I sit in the darkness trying not to think about where Matt us. After giving Court another dose of medicine to relieve her pain, I allow his persistence to win and I decide to answer his call and get it over with.

  “Caitlyn? Are you there?” Elliot’s voice sounds panicked while I wait until I know my voice won’t fail me to respond.

  “I’m here Elliot.”

  “I need to talk to you. Can we meet?” I am not expecting that so I sit up on the couch in hopes of trying to figure out what he was asking.

  “It’s late Elliot. Can’t we handle this over the phone Elliot? I don’t really see why we even need to talk about anything.” I start to wonder if she is there, the girl he left me for.

  “I need to see you Caitlyn, please.”

  “I am at Courtney’s.” He would find me eventually anyway so I decide to tie up this loose end so I can be free of everyone when she passes.

  “I can be there in 45 minutes.” He pauses for a minute and then says, “Thank you.”

  The phone goes silent and then the call ends. I find myself unsure what I have just agreed to. I know I must still love him but the pain I feel when we talk is unbearable. I don’t move the entire time it takes for him to drive to Courtney’s. I just sit on the couch and think about the baby, his affair and where Matt is. I chuckle when I realize I care more about where Matt is and what company he is keeping than when Elliot will be here and what he wants to talk about. Silently I thank Matt for being a welcome distraction.

  A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts and I yell, “Come in.” Elliot looks terrible. He hasn’t shaved in a few days and he is wearing his work suit but the top two buttons on his shirt are undone and his tie hangs to the side loosened and wrinkled. He looks how I feel. Elliot takes a seat next to me on the couch and sits for a minute, waiting for something but I don’t move.

  “Caitlyn, I am so sorry. I am miserable without you. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life.” He leans forward to try and meet my eyes but I am staring at the door fighting the urge to bolt. I can finally see him for who he really is. He is pathetic, lost and alone.

  “Does your girlfriend know you are here?” I ask in a neutral tone. I turn to meet his gaze as I wait for his answer.

  “She was a mistake. I was lonely Caitlyn, you were so distant because of the baby. I needed attention too.”

  “You needed attention too?” I repeat, asking it this time.

  “Yes, Caitlyn. You are all I have ever wanted but I am never enough. You have never been mine. I think you have been chasing a chance to fill whatever void you have but nothing I have ever given you has been enough. I thought marrying you would fix it, I tried so hard, but then you needed a baby. I would do anything to share something with you forever so I tried that also. Me, your career, your clients, a baby, don’t you see it Cait, I was just never going to be enough. I have always been on borrowed time. I didn’t want to share you-I don’t want to share you.”

  “Elliot, it has always been just you. I was right there in fron of you the whole time. What about the affair? How can you tell me you have been fighting for me while being with another woman?”

  “For them I was enough. I am not saying it was your fault I had an affair. I just want you to know that you and I have been doing the same thing, trying to find the connection that fulfills us. I can’t find it without you, but you can’t find it with me.” Elliot reaches out and brushes my hair from my shoulder but I pull away.”

  “It’s too late Elliot. I am sorry but I need you to go. I loved you all that I could so please remember that ok? Promise me that you will remember hwo much I loved you.” I need him to promise so when I end my life he won’t blame himself. He is right, no matter how hard he tries, the void I feel will only be magnified when I lose Court and I have no energy left to search for the cure. I just want to die with Court.

  “I’m trying to tell you I made a mistake. I need you back. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I am so lonely.”

  “I know how that feels. You have put me there before and I won’t go back Elliot.” I stand up and walk towards the door trying to show him it was time for him to leave but he doesn’t move.

  “Caitlyn I am not leaving here unless you leave here with me.”

  “I wouldn’t leave with you if I could, but since you obviously haven’t heard, Court is dying. I need you to go Elliot before we say anything that we can’t take back. I care about you but you need to go.”

  “I’m sorry Caitlyn, I didn’t know.”

  “You didn’t know because you aren’t my husband anymore, you chose to leave me Elliot. You made that choice, I may have made it easy but you made it none the less.”

  Elliot stands up and moves towards me. My heart aches for him but he will get past this. He has family to take care of him, I don’t.

  “I came here to say I was sorry and to ask you to stop the divorce. I can see that I am too late. I will never get over this Caitlyn for as long as I live, I won’t get over losing you.”

  “With time you will. I need someone who is my partner, someone who doesn’t run from the horrible parts of my life. You have never been able to tolerate my pain, not with Emma, and not with my mother. You chose to look the other way at every painful moment of my life. Instead of being with me you leave me to suffer alone. Not once did you try to lessen the burder.” I open the door wider and use all of my energy to turn the corners of my mouth uo into a smile. “Elliot it is time for you to go.”

  Chapter 27

  Matt

  As the taxi pulls up to the house, Sandra is all over me and she is the kind of woman I know how to be around. I open my door and hand the driver money as Sandra wiggles out of the taxi. The driver is not looking at me so I turn around to see what he was looking at and I see Cait in the doorway with Elliot standing there in front of her, a look of pain etched on her face that forces the air from my lungs.

  I move Sandra behind me as we step onto the porch, “is everything ok?”

  “Yes Matt, Elliot was just leaving.” Cait looks to me and I know that it is more a request than a fact. Elliot is
now standing in front of her just outside the door and he smirks as he puts his hands into his pockets and leans back onto his heels.

  “Yes, I was just leaving. You finally got what you have always wanted.” Elliot looks me in the eyes and the words cut sharply from his mouth.

  I step aside and motion for him to leave but just before he is off the porch completely he turns around to Cait and says, “She says she is pregnant Cait. I need to keep the house.”

  “Oh Elliot..” Cait bends over with one hand across her stomach. I cannot tolerate watching him hurt her so deeply. Before I can even think it through I am connecting my fist with his face and throwing him from the porch. I position myself on top of him as I let go of all the pent up anger I have held for this unworthy ass. I look up for a second when I hear a little scream and I can see Sandra shaking her head and turning back to the taxi. She is gone before I even look to Cait. Cait is standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth, her eyes are pleading with me to stop so I do.

  I am welcoming the adrenaline that is now pumping through my body and it awakens me to the mistake I would have just made if Elliot had not been here. I almost fucked it up again, taking Sandra to my room and increasing the space between Cait and me further than could ever be recovered in this lifetime.

  Chapter 28

  Cait

  Matt gets off of Elliot and starts shaking out his fist. Elliot gets up to his feet and spits out blood from his mouth as more runs out of his obviously broken nose. “I deserved that, take care of her.” Elliot leaves the porch and gets into his car. I realize I am shaking and try to steady my hands as Matt turned to me.

  “I am sorry, I should have been here,” he says. I can hear the pain in his voice but I can’t respond. I just stand there as the tears began to flow again. He wraps his arms around me and begins to rock. He kisses the top of my head and whispers, “It’s okay now,” then rests his chin on my head and tightens his grip on me.

  “I’m so sorry,” is all I can say before the sobs take over. I close my eyes and nuzzle my head into his chest. “I am so sorry she left.”

  “Sandra? Please Cait, I kept telling her it wouldn’t work but she kept insisting. I have had too much to drink and I was about to make a big mistake. I should thank you for stopping me.”

  The thought of him holding her stabs deep in my chest and I feel guilty that I am happy I interrupted her plans. As I cry into his shirt he tucks the hair that has fallen from my ponytail behind my ear. I feel the warmth from his body enveloping me and the weight of what just took place is lifted. He must feel it too because he stops rocking me and tucks more hair behind my ear but leaves his hands on my cheeks as he looks into my eyes.

  The pull between us is intense and my heart is pounding so fast I feel like I might faint. I put my hands on his and I feel him release a breath. He breaks our stare to kiss my forehead and when I don’t fight it he slides his face down to mine and looks into my eyes as if he is asking for permission. I know he must feel my heart pounding now and if he wasn’t steadying my head with his hands I would not be able to stand on my wobbly knees. My breathing is heavy now and I can hear that his is also. I feel a desire inside me that I have not felt in years and I ache to have him kiss me. He closes his eyes and rests our heads together as if he is weighing the decision he is about to make.

  Just when I think he has decided to stop he glares into my eyes with such intensity that I flush under his hands. His thumbs move slowly across my cheeks as he clears the last of my tears. He keeps his eyes open, looking to mine as he presses his lips to mine. I can taste his lips and my body reacts, melting under his touch and building in desire to kiss him back. I open my lips slightly to invite him in and he meets my tongue with his.

  I drop my hands to feel his back and when I find it he stops for a second to catch his breath but then pushes me back against the door. I can feel his weight against my body and I tremble under his touch. My hands explore him as he moves his lips to my neck. I can feel his hands on my hips as he pulls me closer to him. One hand slips to my backside and then slowly down to my thigh. I am completely unraveling at his touch and when he hooks his hand behind my thigh I instinctively part my legs and wrap one around his waist. Then he stops suddenly, releasing my leg and rests his face against mine.

  Chapter 29

  Matt

  There is no describing what just happened. I couldn’t help myself and I had to feel her body against mine. As her hands explored my body I couldn’t think straight, every inch of my body wanted to be connected to her. Feeling her smooth, tight thigh beneath my hand was so hot I didn’t think I could possibly be any more turned on. When she parted her legs for me allowing me to press my self up against her as she wrapped her leg around me almost made me loose it right there on the porch. I want her so badly, to taste her lips, to feel her skin on my skin, to watch her come undone beneath me but the porch is not the place and right now is not the time.

  Taking her to bed right now would only prove that I am only good for one night. In the morning she would wake up regretting our time together telling herself it was only because I was drunk or even worse that she played second to Sandra and I only slept with her because Sandra had left. If I ever have the pleasure of making love to Cait she is going to know it is love and not just sex.

  “Not here, not like this,” I say.

  Chapter 30

  Cait

  I nod in agreement but my heart aches. We stay for a minute, pressed against each other as we slow our breathing and then stand up and adjust our clothing. It only takes a few minutes for my brain to clear the fog of the lust and I regret our touch immediately.

  Matt looks at his watch and then asks, “Is it almost time for the morphine?” I am suddenly panicked that I might have missed a dose. So wrapped up in my own drama that I might have failed to keep Court comfy.

  “Oh, my God, what time is it?” I ask as I turn around and open the door as quickly as possible.

  “Midnight,” he replies, now as worried as I am.

  “We’re okay, she can’t have it for another 30 minutes,” I say as I begin to get oriented back to this reality. We stand just outside her door and wait in silence for the time to pass. When we hear her move we decide to go in, not caring what the spacing is between doses if she is in pain.

  “What has gotten into you?” she asks with a smile. I look at Matt and can see that his cheeks are still flushed and his lips are wet from our kiss. He returns my look and I know that I must have the same tell tale signs that he does. Courtney moans in pain and I quickly reach for the bottle of morphine on her dresser. I fill up the dropper and place it in her mouth and she winces as she swallows it. “Thank you.”

  Matt sits in the chair by her bed and watches as she drifts off to sleep again, the window of clarity getting shorter each time.

  “I think we need to set an alarm and take turns giving her the morphine throughout the night,” I say watching as her breaths even out. Matt agrees and I sit down and lean against the wall of her bedroom. Failure to keep my life separate from his has now set him up for heartbreak and the guilt begins to eat away at my soul urging me to retreat and increase the space between us.

  “Matt...” I start to say but he interrupts.

  “Please don’t,” he begs as he shakes his head and rests his elbows on his knees. I know he already knows what I am about to say and I can feel the heaviness of the room begin to weigh me down again. I rest my head against the wall and tell myself to be strong, that falling for Matt will leave me vulnerable to the crushing pain and heartbreak I couldn’t face. “Damn it Cait, I can’t do this.” He buries his head in his hands. “I know you can feel what I feel. How are you going to deny that we need each other...that we want each other. If you didn’t feel it too I could accept it, but I felt you under my hands, your body reacting to me.” He wipes his hands down his face and then looks to me.

  I close my eyes and try to find the answer that would suffice. He is right, I
want him and I need him. That was the problem. Tonight with Elliot had been the last of the loose ends that I needed to tie up. I was set to check out, to leave this life and the pain it inflicted. Now I was falling in love with another man that would leave me. I need to talk to my best friend but she is here between us dying. My world is crashing down around me and I can’t stop it.

  “I don’t understand it Cait,” the pain in his voice falling heavy on my ears. I watch him as he stands up and walks past me pausing to look down when he is near me, “I will take the first shift. Get some sleep.” I nod in relief that the conversation is over for tonight and when I hear his door close I climb into bed with Court and cry into her pillow.

  Awakened by a loud voice I jolt out of bed and try to listen to hear where it was coming from. It is Matt and he is yelling and I feel my heart race within me as I run to his room. When I open the door he is in his bed asleep but tossing and turning with clenched fists. I realize then that it wasn’t just the planning of Court’s funeral at night that kept him from resting, it was his nightmares. He had not had any the nights he shared my bed. I feel a pull inside me that leads me to crawl into his bed. I wake him by rubbing his forehead and saying his name. He reaches out and grabs my wrist and I can see that although his eyes are open now he is not here with me in this room. After a few seconds I see his eyes soften and he releases his hold on me.

  “I woke you,” he said sounding so disappointed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Matt it’s okay, how often does this happen?”

  “Most nights, but not always.” He reaches up and wipes the sweat from his brow. He clasps his fingers together and puts them on the top of his head while he stares at the ceiling. “What time is it?”

  “Just past 3,” I answer propping myself up on my elbow.

  He reaches down and lifts the covers over his legs and sits up at the edge of the bed. “It’s almost time for her medicine, I am so sorry I woke you when it wasn’t your turn.”