Spencer's Face (Buckeye Hawks)

by Autumn Brown

  We carried her things to her car and put everything in the trunk. She drove us to the hotel, still not answering any of my questions. She opened the hotel door, and we walked through it. The memories of the two of us together flooded my senses. She closed and locked the door. I watched her to see what she was doing. Maybe she wanted to talk.

  She pushed up against me, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. Damn, it felt so good, like getting a cool drink of water after a heavy workout.

  “Oh Taylor.” I gasped the words to her. It felt so good that she still wanted me.

  “Would you make love to me?” she asked with her face right below mine.

  My heart jumped into my throat. She was asking me back. I felt total relief wash over me. I was getting hard as I rubbed her back, feeling her close to me.

  “One last time.” she added.

  Last time? My heart fell to the floor. She still wanted to break up with me. Was this a booty call? I’d heard so many guys in the locker room talk about how this sex was better than being together. I wasn’t sure I could do it though, knowing that it would be my last time with the girl I loved more than life.

  I nodded to her. I’d try it. This was my last chance to change her mind. Maybe if I could prove to her how much I still loved her. I kissed her like there was no tomorrow. I was begging for more tomorrows with her though. I pulled her clothes off of her as I kissed her. She pulled my clothes off, then we stepped onto the bed.

  I tried to make her feel the depth of my love. I told her how much I loved every part of her body and how much I loved her. It was incredible. She was incredible. She kissed every part of my body as well. It reminded me of our time together as a couple. I wanted that back so much. When I went to enter her, I suddenly remembered that we didn’t have any condoms.

  “We don’t have any condoms, Taylor.” I told her.

  “I won’t get pregnant.” She said.

  “What?” I asked her. “How?”

  “The pill keeps girls from getting pregnant.” She answered me.

  I felt like she was lying to me for some reason. She’d never said a word about going to the doctor. I wondered why she needed the pill if we were breaking up. I remembered what my uncle told me about continuing with the condoms even if she did get on the pill. I made love to her, but I pulled out right before I came. Hopefully that would be enough to keep her from getting pregnant. I rolled to her side and held her close.

  “Does this have to be our last time, Taylor? We really could meet on the weekends.” I said. I didn’t want to let her go.

  “I’m moving to California in a couple of weeks.”

  “California?” I asked, crushed again. There was no chance I would see her until this summer if she moved to California. “To El Cajon?”

  She nodded.

  “I can come see you this summer, the minute I graduate.” I told her.

  “Call me when you get there. We’ll do lunch.” she said. There was something I didn’t like in her tone, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. The way she said it was so nonchalantly, like I didn’t matter to her any longer. Like our entire relationship had been reduced to two people who did lunch on occasion.

  “Why are you moving? Why don’t you stay here? You said you were going to rent a trailer. Why don’t you really do that? That way you could stay. I’ll be eighteen in less than a month. I’ll move in with you then. We can make this work, Taylor.” I was almost begging, but somehow I didn’t care that I was making a fool out of myself. I had to give this a shot.

  She shook her head. “It wouldn’t work. We’re too young. It wasn’t working.”

  “Taylor, I thought it was working great. I don’t know what you were talking about when you said it wasn’t working.”

  “Let’s not fight on our last day together.” She said, then kissed me on the lips again.

  Taylor returned me to school in time for P.E. It took an enormous amount of restraint to keep myself from crying when she kissed me goodbye for the last time. I hated it that I wasn’t going to see her again. Ever. The pain was almost too much to bear.

  A week went by. The pain was lessening some, but it was still so strong. I hated going to my locker because it still smelled like her. Zane was constantly trying to cheer me up. The girls at school were constantly trying to cheer me up. Some of them were really cute too. I thought about what Taylor had told me, that there was a line. Where was this line last year? Before I met and fell in love with Taylor.

  Another week went by, and I buried myself in my music. I wrote a song that was basically begging a girl back. I poured my feelings into my music. Janel heard me singing this one and playing it. She came in and just hugged me. “The pain will pass. I promise.” She said.

  “Why doesn’t she love me any longer, Aunt Janel?” I asked her.

  “It’s not you, Spencer. Maybe it was just time for her to move on. If it makes you feel any better, she’ll think of you every time she has a relationship with anyone else for the rest of her life.”

  “So will I.” I informed her. I thought about that. It was true. I was sure of it. I’d think about her every day for the rest of my life.

  I looked at my pictures of Taylor constantly. I wanted her to be real, to be in front of me. I kept on playing my music. I sent that song in when I finished it. I had a lot of time to work on songs lately. No matter what, all I could think about was Taylor.

  Another week passed, and I wrote another song. It was a song cussing out a girl for doing me wrong. It made me feel better to play that one and sing it. I finished it too and sent it in. I was on a roll with my songwriting. I wrote another one that thanked the girl for the good times even though we’d parted ways. That one made me sad. It took a long time to finish, but I did. I sent it in too.

  Another week passed and I was still writing songs. It was all I was doing. My aunt’s concerns were growing. She was even talking about counseling again. I assured her that songwriting was my therapy to get over Taylor. I managed to convince her that I just needed to write songs.

  “Maybe you should try going out with someone else. You said you thought some other girls might be interested the other day.” She suggested.

  Todd joined in on that discussion. “Just don’t forget the condoms. New ones are more effective, Spencer.”

  “I don’t want to go out with anyone else yet.” I told them. I really didn’t want to think about sleeping with anyone else. I know that guys did that, went out and slept with the first girl they could find after a breakup just to heal faster. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready. I thought about Taylor and how she was on the pill now. I wondered if she was sleeping with other guys now.

  It was hard to even talk to other girls at school still. They were much friendlier now though. I didn’t know why.

  “Then go out with the guys. Go to those parties that you used to always go to with Zane.”

  “Maybe.” I told them.

  The next day was Friday. There would be a party. There was always a party on Friday. I’d hitch a ride with Zane and drive him to my house, just like we used to. It was pretty fun. I stood around and talked to Zane, Dwayne, and Kyle for a while, until they went off with their girlfriends, then I was left alone. Ryan had been dating Shelly for awhile now. He and Shelly were off somewhere too. I walked around to look for someone else to talk to.

  A couple of girls came up to me and asked me to go check out the dunes with them. I got the feeling they were asking for more than a tour though. I didn’t want more. I wasn’t ready to even touch another girl yet. All I could think about was Taylor and how we used to come to these parties together and make out in her car. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to come here.

  I was about to step into Zane’s car to be alone when Dale came up to me, holding a beer. “Hey do you want a beer?” he asked me. He was a really friendly guy, who talked to everyone. He never met a stranger. No wonder he and Taylor got along so well.

  “No thanks.”
I said to him. I didn’t want to talk to him. He’d gone out with Taylor last year or the year before. I wasn’t sure which, but that was reason enough for me to hate him.

  “Hey. Where’s Taylor? I thought you two were inseparable.”

  “She moved to Phoenix or California one.” I told him. I didn’t want to tell him that we’d broken up. He was probably the only person at the party who didn’t know. He wasn’t in school any longer. He graduated last year. That’s probably why he wasn’t in the gossip loop.

  “Oh that’s why I keep seeing her up there.” He said as if he’d just computed something.

  “You keep seeing her?” I asked him quickly. “Where?”

  “In Alpha Beta once. And, at Denny’s once. I work up on Camelback right now. I work in construction, and we’re working on the new shopping center up there. I’ve seen her there a few times. She drives a yellow Hummer now. A far cry from the Mustang she drove for the last couple of years.”

  I shook my head. He was drunk. He was a drunk and I was stupid enough to be listening to him. “She doesn’t drive a Hummer.” I told him.

  “Yes she does. She showed it to me, inside and out. Those things have really cool four wheel drive.”

  “You’re sure it was Taylor?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “I’m sure. I know her pretty well. We were good friends. I don’t know if she told you, but we dated last year.”

  “She told me.” I told him.

  Zane found me, looking for his ride home. I told him what Dale said, with Dale standing right next to us.

  “No way! Taylor would never drive a Hummer. She needed a cool car.” Zane said to him, almost trying to start a fight.

  “I know Taylor. I went out with her for more than ten minutes, dude.” He told Zane.

  Apparently that was a sore spot with Zane. He grabbed Dale’s shirt and started to deck him. I caught his hand and restrained him. “Zane, let’s go home.”

  Dale looked happy that I’d intercepted the punch. Zane was drunk. He’d thank me tomorrow.

  The next day I asked Zane about it again when he was sober.

  “I don’t know. Nothing makes sense about her leaving, or breaking up with you. At least she gave me a decent excuse. Some best friend she turned out to be. Best friends don’t block my calls. She still has me blocked. What kind of friend does that?” Zane asked, his voice full of self pity. I knew that sound too well.

  She’d told him that they were better off as friends and she didn’t want to lose him as a best friend. I wondered if that was an actual excuse and not something she made up now. At least she didn’t lead him on for five months and have sex with him, then tell him it was over. I hated that I couldn’t figure out what the hell went wrong. I wished I’d asked when she took me back to the hotel the last time, but all I could think about that day was getting her to stay. She was probably having sex with some guy she met in Phoenix at her new school.

  Taylor POV.

  “Gordon.” I yelled to my cousin, trying to drag him out of the arcade. He loved this place. “Come on!”

  Gordon was sixteen, the oldest of five boys in the Lopez family. My aunt Bridget married a Mexican guy and had five sons. They all looked really Mexican, even though they were half white.

  “Coming! Hell. Hold your horses! You’re not having that baby right now.”

  “My show is coming on. You guys don’t have DVR so I can tape it.” I complained to him. I’d moved in with my aunt right after I broke up with Spencer. She’d taken me in when my parents kicked me out. I felt like such a loser. My mom and dad refused to talk to me even. My aunt thought I was getting a raw deal, so she said she’d help me out any way she could.

  Spencer didn’t know about the baby. I didn’t tell him. Every time we’d had sex, he started it with the birth control lecture, telling me how a baby would ruin our lives. I didn’t want to ruin his life. I could do this on my own. In a few months, I’d be eighteen and I could get all of my money legally instead of having to beg my parents every time I spent over five hundred dollars. I was thinking about moving to California with my other aunt who lived in El Cajon then. I’d raise this baby on my own and not ruin anyone’s life.

  I agreed to buy groceries to pay rent to Aunt Bridget. I could do that and keep under my five hundred dollar limit. But boy these boys ate like food was going out of style. I couldn’t wait to turn eighteen. I could go live in another hotel, but I really liked having family around. Bridget was a wealth of information when it came to pregnancy stuff. She’d had five boys. My baby was supposed to be a girl though. That’s what the doctor said at the last ultrasound anywhere.

  I was used to the noise caused by such a big family. I sat my big fat ass on the couch and watched my favorite show. My stomach was getting really big. I had to buy maternity clothes already. Bridget said it was because I was so short. I’d hidden my pregnancy even from Spencer for the first three months, maybe a little longer. I think I got pregnant that first time we almost had sex. That’s the only time we ever even came close to having unprotected sex. So it was my fault, because I was the one that jumped on him that night.

  That was another reason I didn’t want to tell Spencer. This baby was entirely my doing. I couldn’t burden him with it, or ruin his life with it. I knew it was wrong not to tell him about his baby, but I’d messed up so badly already. What was one more mistake?

  Gordon was the oldest of Bridget’s kids. I related to him the most, since we were the closest in age. He was the oldest of his family and I was the oldest of my family. We hung out a lot together. I was going to school at night so I could lessen the chance of being spotted by someone I knew. He was going to night school because of his behavior problems. His school had suggested he attend this school because he’d been suspended so many times in his regular school. He was doing much better at this school. Probably because it was full of pregnant girls and very few guys.

  I did my shopping during the day. A few months ago, I did run into Dale. I tried to act as normal as possible. I hid my stomach, but he still spotted it. He asked me to marry him. He said he’d raise the baby as his own. I thought it was sweet in an odd sort of way. I declined, but he still promised to keep my secret. My secret was probably safe, because he didn’t go to school any longer. He’d graduated last year.

  I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed in the last few months. I went from a national cheerleading champion to a teenage mother in a few months. Well, technically I wasn’t a mother yet, but it was fast approaching. That fact scared the hell out of me. Bridget agreed to help me through it though. She was going to be my coach. I was already scheduled for a cesarean instead of a normal delivery. Bridget assured me that I would be grateful for that, even though it meant that my skimpy bikini days were over.

  Last month, I had to call my mom again to get permission to buy the Hummer and get her signature on the title to the Mustang so I could trade it in. The dealership took care of everything for me. I didn’t have to even see her. And more importantly, she didn’t have to see me. I don’t think she told my dad about me being pregnant. I was sure he’d be up at Aunt Bridget’s if he knew. Just to cuss me out and tell me how I was going to Hell basically. At least he couldn’t whip me with the belt. Even he wouldn’t do that to a pregnant girl.

  Gordon and I drove to school every night in my new Hummer. I worried constantly that I was going to have a wreck in my Mustang, so I traded it in for a safer vehicle. I was going to buy an SUV, a normal one, but then I got to thinking: why not get the one that most closely resembles a tank and go for super safe? Then I thought, why not make it yellow so everyone would see me and my baby coming. I was looking forward to driving it to California after I had my daughter. Gordon was going with me to help drive. I was going to buy him a plane ticket back home.

  The cool thing about going to school at night was that you could do anything you wanted during the day. I knew I had to stay away from Buckeye, but Phoenix was pretty safe during the day for me
. Since Gordon was also a night student, we hung out a lot. We went out to eat often. Of course, I paid. We went to the bookstore quite a bit. We went grocery shopping even more often. I cleaned the house during the day while Aunt Bridget worked cleaning other people’s houses.

  Gordon mowed the yard once a week. Once while he was mowing, the mower threw a rock through my back window. Damn. We had to take it to the dealership to have it fixed. It was a long wait, and an expensive wait. They had to call my mom before my debit card would work. I’d asked my mom to grant me emancipation, but she didn’t want to do that. I called her a month ago to tell her that I was pregnant. She never liked staying on the phone with me. She finally did tell me that she’d grant me emancipation. I filed immediately.

  Gordon and I always went out to eat before school. It was a ritual for us. One day while we were eating, I looked up to see Spencer walking in with his aunt and uncle. I froze for a second, then I tried to duck under the table. It didn’t work. I wasn’t quick enough. He caught my gaze, and gave me the funniest look. First it was happiness, then total sadness, then anger. He whispered to his aunt, then they all turned around and left without eating.