Rewriting Destiny

by Shelly Morgan

  He reaches out and grabs both my hands in his. He looks deep into my eyes, like he is looking at my soul. He must be able to tell that I’m nervous and unsure, because he drops my hands and cups my cheek. “I know we just met, but there’s something about you Danielle. I want to get to know you better. So, will you be my girl?” I smile up at him and decide to be bold and reach up and kiss his lips. “Yeah, I’ll be your girl.”

  He gives me a blinding smile and another mind blowing kiss. After he has me breathing hard again, he tells me to text him later. I walk up to my door in a daze. I have a boyfriend. Oh my God, I have a boyfriend! I have to tell Gram!

  ***

  After talking with Gram about Gunnar and telling her that he asked me to be his girlfriend, I decide to text Zane to see what he has planned for the night.

  Me: Hey you! What you doing?

  Zane: Hey yourself. Just finishing packing up my room.

  Me: :( I’m going to miss you when you leave!

  Zane: Oh yeah? Seems to me like you’ll have someone else to fill your days with…

  Does he really think that Gunnar would replace him? No matter where this relationship goes with Gunnar, there will always be a place in my heart for Zane. Yes I think I may be in love with him, but that love can go nowhere. He’ll always be my best friend though.

  Me: Please don’t be like that. No one could ever replace you if that’s what you’re thinking…

  Zane: Sorry, it’s just weird. I mean, what do you even know about this guy?

  Me: I know it’s weird, but I think I really like him. He just moved here and he is really nice. Can you please give him a chance? For me?

  Please say that you understand and you are willing to get to know him. I don’t think I would be able to do anything that Zane is against. It will break my heart to not have him behind me.

  Zane: I’ll try, but only because you asked. So what are your plans for tonight? Going out with the new guy?

  Me: Well, you mentioned earlier you wanted to hang out, so I thought I’d check with you first.

  Zane: Well, what are you waiting for? Get your ass over here…

  Not like I was going to give him a choice, I would have told him I was coming over regardless of what he said. Even though I can’t wait to see Gunnar again, I know that he will understand. I’ll have the whole year to see him, whereas Zane, not so much.

  I send a quick text to let Gunnar know I’m going to hang with Zane and that I’ll text later. Then I head out the door, letting Gram know what I’m doing so she doesn’t worry.

  I don’t bother knocking on the door because I know his parents are out and he knows I’m coming over anyway. I walk through the door and go right up the stairs to his bedroom. The door is open so I just walk right in.

  The first thing I notice when I walk in are the boxes everywhere. All the things Zane has collected over the years are now packed away. This is just too different. I hate seeing his room like this. It’s so empty. He’s really leaving me. I know he’s just leaving to go to school and will be back to visit, but it just hurts my heart knowing I won’t see him every day anymore.

  Suddenly Zane is in front of me, wiping tears that I didn’t even realize were falling. “Don’t cry baby girl. I’ll be back, I promise. And you know you can always to come visit me anytime you want,” he whispers. His words just make me cry harder. I reach up and hug him hard. “I’m going to miss you so much. What am I doing to do without you?”

  Zane rubs my back and just holds me. I hardly ever break down like this, at least not in front of people, so I’m sure this is hard for him to see. But ever since Zeke died, it’s just been him and me, and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to deal with him not being here.

  I finally pull myself together enough to stop crying and look up at him while wiping the last of my tears away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.” I give him a small laugh and pull out of his embrace. “Baby girl, you don’t have to hide from me. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you around either if it makes it any better.” I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I don’t think he’ll have any trouble filling his time without me, if what happened last night was anything to go by.

  I clear my throat and look in his mirror on the closet door to make sure my face looks ok. “So, what should we do tonight?” He smiles and finishes putting the rest of his books in the last box. “Well, there’s not much we can do here, so I was thinking we could just chill at your place,” he says, taping the box he just filled.

  “Why don’t we go get that pizza you suggested earlier and then we can pick up some movies and head over to my house to watch them. We can make popcorn too!” I suggest. I don’t feel like going out, but I’m so hungry that I think it would be a good idea to stop and get something to eat. Plus, that will save me from trying to cook something. “Sounds good to me.”

  We jump in his truck and head over to the pizza place in town. After ordering our pizza, we sit in the booth and talk. At first, it’s just stupid stuff, but then he brings up Gunnar. Why did I think we could get through this night without him bringing up my new boyfriend? Wow, boyfriend. It’s going to take some time getting used to saying that. Zane doesn’t know that he is officially my boyfriend now though, so I better tell him before he hears it from someone else.

  “Well, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. I really like him Zane. Do you think I’m stupid for starting something with him this soon?” I ask. I hope that he says he understands and is happy for me, but I want him to tell me the truth.

  “Well, it does seem a little fast. But, if it’s what you want to do, what can I do to stop you? Doesn’t mean I like it though.” I smile. That was his way of saying he is not going to make it into a big deal. He may not like it but he won’t stop me. “But, if he hurts you, I will hunt him down and make him wish he was never born.” Of course he would have to say something like that. “Ok Dad!” I scoff, like he is irritating me, but I secretly love the fact that he is acting so protective. At least it shows he cares.

  The rest of the night is amazing. After finishing our pizza, we get some movies, then head back to my house. We only talk about the good times we’ve had and everything we are looking forward to in the future. We eat popcorn, watch lots movies, laugh and even cry a little till he heads back over to his house around 4am. I’m so glad we hung out tonight. It was just like old

  The weekend went by way too fast, and before I knew it, it was Tuesday morning and I had to say goodbye to my best friend. Even though we spent the rest of the weekend together, I’m not ready for him to leave. I don’t think I would ever be ready for that, but whether I like it or not, he’s leaving in an hour. He’ll be off to college and starting the rest of his life without me. I know I’m probably overreacting a bit, but I hate the thought that after today, things may never be the same. Sure I’ll see him on holidays and maybe a couple of days here and there in between, but it will never be the same.

  I sent a text to Gunnar Sunday morning once I woke up to let him know I was going to spend that day and yesterday with Zane and that I would call him later today after he was gone. I felt bad at first, but then I figure if he doesn’t understand that Zane is a big part of my life, and always will be, then it’s good we hash it out now and not a year down the road. He seemed fine with it and completely understood. He said he’d be waiting for me to call him and maybe we could hang out tonight and tomorrow before school starts for us on Thursday.

  Once I’m out of the shower, I put on a new purple summer dress and head downstairs to grab a bite to eat before I go to see Zane off. My grandmother is already at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea. “Good morning Gram. How are you feeling today?” I ask as I grab the orange juice out of the fridge and pour a small glass. “Good morning sweetheart. I’m feeling pretty good today. I slept real well last night.”

  After finishing my OJ and putting my cup in the sink, I walk over to give her a kiss. “I’m heading over to see Z
ane before he leaves. Will you be coming over shortly to see him off?” I ask. I know she was talking about going over but I’m not sure if she is still up to it. If not, I know Zane will come over before he hits the road to give her a hug. “I’ll be over before he leaves.” I kiss her quick on the cheek and head out the door.

  I can already feel the tears forming in my eyes because this will be the last time that I run out of my house to go to his. I need to get myself together because I don’t want today to be anything but smiles and well wishes. I just can’t help thinking about my last goodbye to his brother. Even though I know deep down this is nothing like last time, it still feels final in a way. After today, Zane and I just won’t be the same. He’s not going to be just a short walk and a door away anymore.

  As I’m walking up his porch steps, the door opens and Zane storms out. “Whoa, where’s the fire college boy?” I force out a laugh, but as soon as I get a good look at his face, my smile falls. “Zane, what’s wrong?” He grabs my arm as he walks past me without even breaking his stride. He doesn’t stop till we are in his backyard. He lets go of my arm and then starts pacing back in forth in front of me. I have no idea what would have him this upset.

  I don’t say anything because I can tell he just needs to figure it out in his head before he talks. Finally, after what feels like hours, he stops in front of me with his head down. He runs his hands through his hair before looking at me. The look in his eyes is pure agony with a hint of anger. I have to look away because it breaks my heart to see him like this. I still have no idea what is going on, but I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts before I look at him again. Whatever is going on, I have a feeling it’s really bad.

  Once I meet his gaze again, I take his hand in mine. “What’s going on?” I whisper. I don’t have the strength to speak louder. I know he hears me though, because he squeezes my hand before answering. “It’s nothing for you to worry about baby girl. Just not seeing eye to eye with my parents.” He blows out a breath and then runs his hand through his hair again. He really must be out of sorts because he only does that when he is really pissed off or upset.

  “Talk to me. What don’t you see eye to eye about?” I’m trying to figure out what would make them fight the day he leaves for college but I’m coming up empty. I mean, they are thrilled his is going to the University of Texas and playing football. It’s a great college and I know they are proud of him. I also know he still isn’t sure on what he wants to major in, but I don’t see why that would upset them. Not everyone knows what they want to do when they go off to college. Sometimes you just need to take some general classes before it hits you. I’m still unsure what I want to do even, though I’m pretty sure it will have something to do with art.

  He still hasn’t answered me, and I can’t figure out if that’s a good or bad thing. We are usually open about everything, but things have been a little strained with us so maybe he doesn’t feel like he can tell me. Either way, I won’t push him, I know that he’ll talk to me about it when he is ready. I just want to be able to help him. “Anything I can do?” I ask after a couple minutes of silence. He knows this is my way of letting him know he doesn’t have to tell me, but that I’m here for him.

  “Nah, it’s all good. They’ll get over it,” he says, and pulls me into him for a hug. “I’m going to miss you, ya know that?” He kisses the top of my head and suddenly I can’t stop the tears. He thinks he’ll miss me, but he has no idea what he means to me. I try to compose myself before I speak because I don’t want to make this worse for him. “I’m gonna miss you too. Who am I going to annoy now that you won’t be here?” I say, knowing that making a joke will make him feel better. He laughs and tickles my side before letting me go. “I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

  He grabs my hand and then leads me back over to the front of the house and takes me upstairs to his room. His room looks so different. His desk has been cleaned of all his belongings and his bed is made up with two boxes sitting on top. No personal touches are left except a couple of motorcycle posters on the wall and some football and wrestling trophies on a shelf.

  I walk over and sit on the edge of his bed. “When do your classes start?” I know he’s told me before, but I just need him to talk. The silence in the room is making me feel edgy. He sits down next to me and lets out a long breath. “Next Monday.” I still don’t really understand why he needs to leave a week before his classes begin but I suppose it would be good for him to get settled before everything gets busy. I just want to be selfish and keep him here as long as possible. I know it wouldn’t make a difference, because he’s leaving no matter what, but at least I would have him here with me for a couple more days.

  Zane turns toward me and takes hold of my hand. “You know I’ll always be here for you, don’t you baby girl? Doesn’t matter how far away I am, I’m always here for you.” I look down and try to push the tears back but I can feel them fall anyway. If I didn’t know better, I would say this sounds like he is making his final goodbye. Like I won’t ever see him again. I know that is nonsense, but it’s the way I feel. My heart hurts so much I can’t stop the sob that takes over me. He wraps me in his arms and holds me while whispering reassurances into my hair. He gently rocks me back and forth, running his hand up and down my back until I can pull myself together. It’s while he is holding me in his arms, getting ready to say goodbye that I realize that I’ve truly fallen for him. There was never really a choice or anyway around it. I’m madly in love with Zane, and things are never going to be the same again. He’s walking out the door today and even though I know I’ll always have him as a good friend, he’ll never be mine. But even with this knowledge, I also know that no matter who I am with, I’ll never feel for them what I feel for Zane.

  I do my best to pull myself together so I can see him off. I can break when he’s gone, but right now I need to show him I’m ok. If he knew how much it is killing me to watch him go, it would make it so much harder for him to leave. And he really needs to go, to live the life Zeke would want for him. I won’t stand in the way of their dreams. I would rather live in hell for the rest of my life knowing that Zane is happy and doing what he and his brother wanted most, than hold him back just so I don’t lose him. When you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go.

  I follow him down the stairs and out the door. We put the last two boxes in his truck, and make sure everything is secured in the back. My grandmother has just walked outside, but before she can walk down the steps to come to him, Zane jogs up so he can say his goodbyes. I watch the exchange and when I see my grandmother kiss his cheek I have to look away. Zane is such a big part of our lives, I know my grandmother will miss him dearly. After saying one last goodbye and giving her a final hug, he turns around and walks back to me. His parents aren’t out here, but I’m sure they’ve already said their goodbyes this morning.

  Once he reaches me, he pulls me in for one last hug. He’s holding onto me so tight I can barely breathe, but I don’t want him to ever let me go, even if it kills me. At least if I die right this second, it would be in his arms. He kisses my head, gives me a final squeeze and lets me go. I look up into his eyes and see something I’ve never seen in his eyes before; desperation, but it’s gone before I can think any more of it.

  He leans down and presses his forehead against mine. With his eyes closed, he takes a deep breath and slowly releases it. His warm breath hits my face and sends chills down my back. “Take care of yourself baby girl.” Before I can answer him, he releases his hold on me and hurries over to get in his truck. I’m in a daze as I step back onto the sidewalk before he pulls away from the curb. I stand there until I can no longer see him, then drop down into the grass and stare at my hands. He’s gone.

  I’m not sure how long I sit outside, but eventually I make my way into the house. I walk right past my grandmother and up to my room. As soon as I open my door, I strip out of my dress and grab my sleep shorts and throw on an old shirt of Zane’s. I grab Zeke’
s football and my phone before slipping under the covers.

  I send a quick text to Gunnar to let him know I’m not feeling up to doing anything tonight and that I’ll call him tomorrow. Before I turn my phone off, I type a message to Zane. One last goodbye.

  Me: I miss you already… <3

  Before I knew it, I was waking up and getting ready for my first day of my junior year. As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew today was going to be horrible. Not only have I not been able to sleep since Zane left, but also knowing I wouldn’t be riding to school with him or even seeing him at some point today almost broke me.

  I haven’t talked to him since he left except for his reply to my text that he would see me soon. And a couple hours later when he let me know he made it. I couldn’t bring myself to reply, even though I probably should have. I thought I would just need a couple days to get used to the idea of him not being here, but now it’s Thursday and I still haven’t replied. I need to just get over it and call him already. I don’t want him to know how much I’m suffering or risk him thinking I don’t miss him.

  After getting out of the shower, I grab a pair of cutoff shorts and a tank top, then slip on an old sweatshirt I stole from Zane last year. It’s huge on me, and almost covers all of my shorts so it looks like I’m not wearing anything underneath but I don’t care; I just want to have something of his with me today. I should care what I look like since it’s the first day of school and I’ll see Gunnar at some point, but I just can’t bring myself to care today. I toss my hair up into a messy bun, throw on my tennis shoes and run downstairs. Just as I’m pouring myself some OJ, my phone goes off.