Rewriting Destiny

by Shelly Morgan

  My heart starts beating so fast I think it’s going to jump right out of my chest. I run over to my bag to pull it out and unlock the screen, eager to get to my messages. I’m not sure why I thought it was from Zane, but I am sorely disappointed when I see it is from Gunnar.

  Gunnar: Good morning beautiful. I was wondering if I could pick you up for school…

  Me: Good morning to you too. I wouldn’t mind a ride if you are offering. What time will you be here?

  I put my phone down to grab my OJ and put a bagel in the toaster for breakfast, but I barely manage to get across the kitchen before my phone is going off again.

  Gunnar: I’m outside your house now ;)

  Not sure if that should make me happy or a little freaked out, but I decide to go with the former. I type a quick reply that I’ll be out soon, and finish making my breakfast.

  Once I have my bagel in hand, I stop by my grandmother’s room to tell her I’m leaving and head out the door with my bag. I make it halfway down the sidewalk when Gunnar jogs up to me and grabs my bag. “Hey,” he says and then leans in to kiss my cheek. Just that one action has me smiling and my mood lifting a little. “Hey yourself,” I say as we walk to his truck. He opens my door and once I’m situated inside, he jogs over to his side and hops in. Before he pulls out onto the road, he leans over and kisses my lips softly.

  “Mmmm, this is what I’ve been missing for the past five days.” I haven’t seen Gunnar since the day he came over to take me to pick up my car. With trying to spend as much time as I could with Zane before he left, then saying goodbye to him, I just didn’t have the time or energy for anything else. I felt bad at first, but when I talked to Gunnar Wednesday morning, he assured me he understood.

  “I’ve missed it too,” I say shyly. This whole having a relationship deal is still new to me, but it feels nice. He grabs my hand and starts the drive to the school. I was going to ask if he knew where he was going, but dismissed it soon after the thought crossed my mind. I’m sure he’s been to the school at least one time before to register. Plus, our town isn’t really that big, so it would be pretty hard to not find the high school, even if you have never been there before.

  Five minutes later, we are pulling into the school parking lot. He finds a spot in the middle of the lot to park, then jumps out and comes over to my side. I’ve already got the door open and I’ve started to slip out when he comes up to the open door and grabs me by my waist. “I’ve got ya babe.” Once I’ve got both feet firmly on the ground, he leans in to give me a quick peck on my nose and closes the door. We both grab our bags and start the trek across the parking lot to the front doors of the school.

  On the way, we pass a couple of the popular groups that usually hang out in the parking lot until the first bell rings. I’m usually not so self-conscious, but walking into the school with Gunnar has me not feeling so sure of myself. Maybe it’s because this is the first year I’m walking in this school without having Zane by my side, or at least close by. Or it could just be that I’ve never had a boyfriend before, so everything seems so weird. Whatever it is, I try not to let it get to me. I lift my chin and we continue on our way.

  Once we are through the doors, I walk with Gunnar to the office to grab his schedule and locker arrangements. “I’ll see you at lunch, if not before?” he asks me. I smile at him and nod my head. “I’ll see you at lunch.” He leans down again to give me a quick kiss before I walk down the hall to my locker. One thing that keeps running through my mind is that he sure likes to kiss a lot. I’m not sure yet if this bothers me or not, but I figure I’ll get used to it. Feeling wanted by anyone besides my grandmother and Zane is new to me, so it will just take time.

  My first class of the day is English, so after dropping my bag off in my locker, I head to my classroom. Since I don’t have a lot of friends I have no reason to delay getting to the classroom early. At least this way, I can try to get a seat in the back so I don’t have to worry about being called on often.

  I walk into my classroom and thankfully there are only two other students there, who have both chosen seats in the front row. I don’t know who they are except for their first names, and I really don’t care. I’ve accepted the fact early on that I don’t need friends. I have people that I talk to every once in a while, and then there are a couple of the girls that I hang out with at parties, but no one really that I confide in or look forward to talking with. It makes choosing a seat much easier since I don’t have to try to save seats or worry about getting a seat close to them in all my classes. My days in school are boring, but I’m not there to do anything but learn, so I don’t really care.

  Ten minutes later, Mr. Murray has started class by doing roll call and handing out our books for the year. He jumps right in to what he expects of us this year and goes over the major assignments we will have to complete before the year is over. English isn’t my favorite class, but it’s a class that I do well in. I don’t mind reading or writing papers, so when he tells us at the end of the semester we have to write a ten thousand word essay on a book from a list he gives us, I’m not fazed.

  Second period I have Phys. Ed, third period is Geometry, and the last class before lunch is Chemistry. The morning goes surprisingly fast which I’m grateful for. I’m a little nervous about meeting Gunnar at lunch, especially since I haven’t seen him since this morning. I get to my locker and drop off my books. Then I head to the cafeteria. Once I’m in line, I spare a quick glance through the room to see if I can spot him. By the time I make it to the food I still haven’t spotted him, so I just grab what food I want and head to the table outside where I usually sit. I like eating outdoors whenever it’s possible since I’m inside all day.

  I’ve just sat down and start to open my soda when someone sits down across from me. “Hey Danielle, how has your first day been going?” The person sitting across from me is not someone I’ve talked with much before, but I’ve seen him around hanging with the rest of the football players at parties. Jaxon is a quarterback on the football team, but has never seen any game time since Zane had been first string since his sophomore year. I’m really not sure why Jaxon is sitting by me, which makes me a little uncomfortable.

  “Um, hey Jaxon. I, uh, guess my day has been fine so far. H-How has your day been?” I have no idea what to say to him but don’t want to be rude. Who knows, maybe this will be a year that I will come out of my shell and maybe even make some real friends. “Well, it was going good, but just recently tipped the scale to great,” he says with a smirk that makes me think I’m missing something. Not knowing what else to say to that remark, I just nod and say “That’s good to hear.” Then I go back to opening my soda and start picking at my food.

  I thought once that awkward conversation was over, Jaxon would get up and leave, but a minute later he’s still there. I look around to see if I can see a group of his friends pointing and laughing like this is some dare he’s been put up to, but I don’t see anyone even looking our way. I decide to just let it go for now.

  He asks me what classes I have this year and how softball was last season. I politely answer his questions and then figure since he asked me about softball that I should ask how the start of the football season is going. I’m half listening and half trying to decide if this is something that should concern me or not. Since he has never made an effort to talk to me before, I almost feel like this is a big joke and the laugh is on me. As he’s in the middle of talking about how good he thinks the team will be this season, he looks up at something behind me and stops talking. He gets this confused look on his face as he looks back at me and then at whatever caught his attention. Before I can turn around and see what he’s looking at, someone comes up behind me and wraps their arms around me. I stiffen at first because I’m not used to having anyone grab me like that, but then I remember Gunnar. “Hey beautiful,” I hear him say close to my ear. I smile and turn towards him to say hi, but notice his attention isn’t on me, but on the person sitting across from me.


  I don’t think they have met each other yet so I decide to introduce them. “Jaxon, this is Gunnar. He just moved here from Florida. Gunnar, this is Jaxon. He’s a senior as well.” After my awkward introduction, they are still staring at each other, almost like they are sizing each other up. Like I said, I’m new to this whole relationship thing, but if I didn’t know better, I would say that Gunnar thinks Jaxon is stepping on his territory. I’ll have to tell him later when we are alone that he doesn’t have to worry about anyone trying to steal me away from him. I’ve been going to this school all my life and no one has ever shown any interest in me until he came along.

  After a few more tense moments between the two, they finally seem to loosen up. “Hey man, nice to meet you,” Gunnar says. Then he sits down next to me and pulls me closer against him. “Yeah, you too,” Jaxon replies, as he looks at Gunnar and me like he’s trying to figure us out. “Uh, how do you guys know each other if you just moved here?” Before I can answer him, Gunnar gives a small laugh and replies, “We met about a week ago at a party out by the lake. I saw her and decided I better make my move. I wasn’t sure if she was with anyone, but figured if she was, I would just have to change that and claim her as mine. And have I told you lately how glad I am that I did babe?” He finishes off by looking down at me with a smile on his face.

  I don’t like the way this conversation is going, but I don’t know if this is a normal thing for a guy to do when he sees another guy talking to his girlfriend. I wish I could ask Zane, but that’s not going to happen. And I especially don’t like the way Gunnar is staking a claim on me, like I’m a possession. I’ve seen plenty of guys go caveman on girls before, and it has never been something that I thought I would want. Turns out, I was right. It makes me go from feeling wanted and cared for, to almost shameful and pissed off. I’ll definitely be having a talk with Gunnar sooner rather than later. I don’t want to become one of those girls that lets a guy control her; I’ve heard how relationships like that end. It starts off almost innocent, like this seems now, then turns into controlling and in most cases becomes violent. There is no way I will let that happen to me.

  Instead of answering, I just give him a little smile and finish my sandwich. Lunch is almost over and I want to get to my next class. “Well I better get going. I’ll see you later,” I say as I stand. He grabs my hand and stands with me. “What class do you have now?” he asks, and pulls me closer to him. “Uh, I think I have Government,” I tell him. Today seems to be going from bad to worse. I just want to get to my next class so the day will be over.

  “I’ve got English with Ms. Liner I think, then I’ve got a free period, so if you want to skip out early, come find me,” he says with a wink. I have no clue whether he is joking or not, but decide to not comment on it. “Ok, well I’ll see you later. Nice talking with you Jaxon,” I throw over Gunnar’s shoulder and walk towards the door to head back inside. But again, before I can get too far, Gunnar wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me back to him. I’m so surprised that I slam into his chest. He doesn’t give me any time to recover before he grabs my face and kisses me. I’m too shocked to kiss him back, but he soon lets me go and walks away. I think I may just start eating in the art room like I used to do before Zane got me to start sitting with him. At least that way I would be able to eat in peace and not have to worry about getting in the middle of a pissing contest that I have no interest being involved in. Maybe this whole relationship deal isn’t for me, or maybe just not with Gunnar. I need time to think this through.

  My last two periods are both in the art room. I had a free period and instead of taking a study hall, I asked Mr. Tillman if he would be ok with me helping him out. He’s always been my favorite teacher and he has never had a problem with me. In fact, he has told me numerous times that I have an amazing talent and if there is anything I need, to let him know. So it came as no surprise that he was ok with letting me be his T.A.

  Since art class isn’t really a class with homework and most students use it as a free period anyway, there isn’t much for me to do to help out around the classroom, so Mr. Tillman said that I can use that time to work on my homework or draw. I figure at least until I figure out what the work load will be this year, I should take advantage of having extra time for my drawing. My free period bleeds into the next, and since I don’t have to change classes, I just continued on at my easel in the corner of the room to get as much done on my drawing as possible.

  Since I’ve been taking art since my freshmen year, Mr. Tillman lets me draw whatever I want now. Sometimes I choose to do what he tells the other students to draw, but today I wanted to draw freehand. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and since I was trying so hard to spend time with Zane this summer, I really haven’t had time to draw much lately.

  When I started this picture, I wasn’t sure what it would turn out to be. I just let my pencil flow. When Mr. Tillman said to start clean up because class was almost over, I finally stepped back to look at what I had drawn. It was a bunch of lines and swirls around the edges, but as you got to the middle, you could clearly make out the back of a truck. The more I stared at it, I finally realized what it was; it was Zane driving away in his truck.

  Today was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. In some ways, the time went at a slugs pace, but for the most part I think it went by quickly. I think the only reason it felt so slow to me was because I was counting down the months, weeks, and then days before Zane would be home again. He hasn’t been back since the day he left, and we barely get to talk on the phone. Mostly, I get short text messages asking how I am doing, how things are going with Gunnar and if he is treating me ok. Since I don’t want to get into it with him about my relationship, I keep my answers short and turn it around on him. Though when I ask how college life is going, I get one word answers like “good” or “fine”.

  Then when I ask about football and when I can come see one of his games, he quickly changes the subject. The only times he ever mentions anything about it are when I ask if he is coming home or if I can visit him. He’ll say that he is so busy with practices and training that he can’t make it or that I shouldn’t make the trip because he won’t be able to make time for me. I’m not sure if it’s because Zeke isn’t there and maybe his emotions are all over the place when it comes to football, or maybe he really is just busy, but it’s like he’s trying to keep me away. It almost sounds like football is not as important to him anymore but it is always there as an excuse when he needs one. I hope that’s not the case, because it’s the one thing that should make him feel closer to his brother.

  My relationship with Gunnar has been touch and go since school started. I have been finding myself ignoring him more often than not and I’ve noticed that he has gotten more arrogant and aloof as the days pass. When we do hang out, I long for the way we were that first night we met. Conversation came easy and I could feel that he cared about me. Now, it just seems like it’s all a front. I want to ask him what we are doing, but I’m scared to hear the answer. Even though I don’t feel for him what I probably should or wish I felt, I fear that he will tell me he doesn’t want me, and it will cut me deep to hear that yet another person I’ve gotten close to doesn’t want me anymore.

  I am just getting in the door from school when I hear my cell phone ping, but before I can check out the text message, my phone started ringing. Gunnar. “Hello?” I answer as I start walking into the kitchen to grab an apple. “Hey beautiful, what are you doing tonight?” Not really in the mood to go out, I try coming up with a viable excuse to give him. “Um, well, I have to clean up the house and get ready to make pies for tomorrow.” That is better than telling him I just don’t want to go out with him. If it were Zane asking me, I would drop everything to spend time with him. I thought after a while I would stop comparing or dropping Zane into scenarios where Gunnar and I were concerned, but Zane is still all I can think about. I know it’s not fair to Gunnar, but Zane is my everything. I just wish I coul
d tell him how I feel and have him return those feelings.

  “Can’t your grandma do that? There’s a party tonight.” There’s always a party he wants to go to. But since Zane is no longer here, parties just aren’t the same for me. I end up sipping on one drink, wishing I could just go home or that Zane would walk up with a bottle of Jack for us to share like he always did. But then I remember he’s away at college and I feel the crushing grief of his not being here all over again. The pain hasn’t lessened even a little since I watched him drive away. “You know my grandmother hasn’t been feeling well lately. I’m sorry, but I can’t go,” I say, irritated. He should know by now that my grandmother has not been well and I have been taking on a lot more to make things easier for her. I shouldn’t even have to explain it; it’s a given. Zane would never question me when it comes to my grandmother. Maybe it is time to break it off with Gunnar. With all the thoughts in my head still about Zane, it’s not fair to him or me to keep up this charade.

  “Yeah, ok, whatever. I guess I’ll just talk to you later.” I can tell he’s pissed, but what’s new? “Bye Gunnar.” I say into the phone, but I barely get that out before the line goes dead.

  I don’t want to ruin this Thanksgiving break for either of us, so I decide to wait till we get back to school to have a talk with him, sit down and explain to him that it would probably be better if we were just friends. Maybe then we can go back to the carefree relationship we had at the beginning. He really is a great person, but he’s just not who I want to be with romantically. Not like we have done anything more than just make out, even though he’s tried. I haven’t told him I’m a virgin, but he must know. Every time his hands wander, I pull back from him. I can tell he gets upset, but he’s gentleman enough not to push or say anything.