The Son That Changed His Life

by Jennifer Taylor

  ‘It might be all for now but who’s to say that things won’t change in the future?’ She looked him in the eyes. ‘What happens if you decide that you want to be more than a part-time father, Ben? After all, if you can’t father another child, you may decide that you want Theo.’

  ‘No! I shall never try to take Theo away from you, if that’s what you fear. Even if I never have another child—and I honestly can’t see it happening—I would never do that to you, Emily.’

  ‘That’s not what you said the other day. You told me that you’d do anything it took to get access to Theo.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s a small step from gaining access to going for custody.’

  ‘I was angry and upset, and I said things I shouldn’t have said.’ Ben ran his hand through his hair, wishing that he’d handled the situation better. Right from the outset his behaviour had left much to be desired. ‘Theo’s your son, Emily, and he needs you far more than he needs me.’ His voice caught as all his fears surfaced. ‘You’ll be here for him for as long as he needs you. I can’t promise to do that, even though I wish with all my heart that I could.’

  Emily had no idea what Ben meant. Why couldn’t he promise to stay around? Was there something he wasn’t telling her? Her mind raced this way and that and finally alighted on an explanation, one she found so unpalatable that it was a moment before she could speak.

  ‘You mean that your current girlfriend might not approve of you spending time with your love child?’

  She laughed harshly, wondering why she had never thought about Ben being involved with someone else. After all, it was unlikely that he’d been celibate for the past three years; there must have been many women during that time. Maybe one of them had done what she’d been unable to do and made him fall in love with her?

  The thought was way too painful and she shot to her feet. ‘It would be best if you spoke to her and found out how she felt. There seems little point in you upsetting Theo’s life if she isn’t prepared to accept him.’

  ‘You’ve got it all wrong!’ He stood up as well, his dark eyes blazing as he took a step towards her. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend or anyone else whom I need to consult.’ Reaching out he caught hold of her shoulders, holding her still when she tried to turn away. ‘This is about us, Emily, you, me and Theo, nobody else.’

  Emily felt her head swirl. Maybe it was the result of all the tension she’d been under that day, but all of a sudden she felt a wave of dizziness engulf her. Ben must have realised something was wrong because he put his arm around her.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he asked, bending to look into her face.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she replied, although it was a lie. The room seemed to be whirling around and she closed her eyes.

  ‘You’re not fine at all,’ he said firmly, drawing her to him so that her head was cushioned against his shoulder.

  Emily longed to push him away but she was afraid that she would fall over if she did so. She could feel the heat from his body seeping into hers, chasing away the chill that had invaded her, and tears rose to her eyes. She didn’t want to feel this way, didn’t want to feel anything for him!

  ‘Shh, don’t upset yourself, chérie. You will feel better in a moment.’

  His tone was so gentle, so caring, that Emily cried all the harder, deep racking sobs that seemed to spring from some dark and lonely place inside her. After she had returned from seeing Ben in Paris, she hadn’t allowed herself to cry. Keeping control of her emotions had been important both for her own state of mind as well as for her baby’s. Once Theo was born it had seemed even more vital to maintain her composure. She didn’t want Theo growing up with a mother who was constantly moping around. Now it was as though all the pent-up emotions had come flooding out and she couldn’t stop them.

  When Ben led her over to the sofa, she didn’t resist. He sat down and drew her into his arms, stroking her hair while he murmured to her in French. Even though she couldn’t understand what he was saying, she drew comfort from the tone of his voice so that gradually her sobs lessened. He put his hand under her chin, tilting her face up so that he could look at her and his eyes were filled with a concern that warmed her.

  ‘I hate to see you crying like that, chérie, even though I suspect it may have done you good.’ He brushed her wet cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away the last glistening tears, and she shivered.

  ‘I...I try not to get upset for Theo’s sake,’ she whispered, lowering her eyes in case he saw something he shouldn’t. She didn’t want Ben to know that she still had feelings for him; it would only complicate matters.

  ‘You’ve been very brave for a long time,’ he murmured, his deep voice rumbling softly. He tipped her chin up again. ‘I wish that I had been here for you, Emily. I wish that I had been here for Theo, too. It’s something I shall regret until the day I die.’

  His voice caught and she felt shock run through her when she saw tears in his eyes this time. She reacted instinctively, putting her arms around his neck as she drew his head down onto her shoulder. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that what he was feeling was very real and all of a sudden the hurt and anger she’d felt these past years faded into nothing. Ben was hurting and she wanted to comfort him as he had comforted her.

  ‘It’s all right. I understand now why you said what you did. I only wish you’d told me sooner...about the cancer and your treatment.’

  ‘I wish I had too. But I was so hurt...so angry.’ He broke off, rubbing his hand over his eyes, and she could tell that he was embarrassed about losing control. Ben was a very private person who guarded his emotions probably because he had learned to do so. Getting through an ordeal like he’d been through took tremendous strength of mind and he had learned to keep his feelings locked away.

  It was a light bulb moment, a glimpse behind the handsome exterior to the man inside, and Emily knew that it had made a world of difference to the way she thought about him. However, now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. She sighed softly. ‘It must have been a shock for you when I turned up and announced that I was expecting your child.’

  ‘It was.’ He captured her hand and raised it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her palm in a gesture that brought back far too many memories. ‘I’d been told that the odds against me fathering a child were several billion to one. I’d seen the test results as well and they’d appeared conclusive. That’s why I couldn’t accept what you were telling me.’

  ‘I can understand that now.’ Emily drew her hand away, not wanting to start something she would regret. It would be far too easy to allow the emotions that were swirling around them to take over, but it would be wrong. They needed to talk this through, see if they could find some common ground for Theo’s sake. ‘However, there’s no point dwelling on the past. We need to decide what we’re going to do about Theo.’

  ‘And you think we can do that? You think we can reach some sort of...understanding?’

  There was something in his voice which made her tremble inside but she refused to acknowledge it. Ben was talking about their son; anything else was the product of her overactive imagination. ‘I don’t see why not. After all, we both want the same thing, don’t we? We want what’s best for Theo so that will make it easier, surely?’

  ‘Yes. I want what’s best for Theo but not if it means upsetting you, Emily.’ His tone was level. There was no hint of anything in it, nothing to make her wonder if he wanted to reach an understanding with her too.

  Emily swallowed her disappointment, knowing how foolish it was to imagine he cared about her. ‘There’s no reason why I should get upset, Ben. You’ve told me that you have no wish to take Theo away from me so I don’t see why we can’t reach an agreement about access. Obviously, it isn’t going to be easy, with you living in Paris, but it isn’t impossible.’ She shrugged. ‘I can bring Theo over to see you or you can come here.’

  ‘You�
�d do that? You would bring Theo to Paris to visit me?’

  ‘Of course. Obviously I won’t be able to do it every week...’

  ‘Of course not!’ He laughed, his voice filled with such happiness that she found herself laughing as well.

  ‘Hmm, I do have a tendency to state the obvious, don’t I? Sorry!’

  ‘You have nothing to apologise for, Emily. Nothing at all.’

  He smiled into her eyes and this time there was no mistaking what she could see in his. Emily felt her breath catch when she saw the desire in them. Ben wanted her; she could tell that from the way he was looking at her. It was hard to focus when her heart was racing.

  ‘You’ve given me something I never dreamt I would have, Emily, and I shall always be grateful to you for that.’ He brushed his knuckles across her cheek. ‘You’re the mother of my child and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.’

  There was a moment when Emily knew that she should stop what was happening, yet she let it pass. When Ben bent and touched his mouth to hers, she didn’t protest. Maybe it was madness but all of a sudden she wanted his kiss and there was no point pretending otherwise. He slowly drew back and his very reluctance warmed her. Ben might not love her as she’d once hoped, but he felt something for her.

  ‘Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything, Emily.’

  ‘Thank you too.’

  He frowned. ‘What for?’

  She laughed softly, not wanting him to suspect how much it meant to her to discover that he wasn’t indifferent to her, after all. ‘Without you, I wouldn’t have Theo. I can’t imagine how empty my life would be without him.’

  Ben’s face broke into a smile. ‘Theo is a lucky little boy to have you for his mother.’ He gave her a hug then stood up. ‘I’d better go. You have to be up early in the morning for work.’

  ‘We both do.’

  Emily stood up too, clamping down on the thought of how much she would have liked him to stay. It would be foolish to go down that route. She should be content with what they had achieved, which was far more than she had expected. At least when Ben returned to Paris at the end of the week, they should have sorted this out.

  The thought spurred her on as she saw him to the door. She paused with her hand on the latch. ‘Would you like to come for supper tomorrow? I finish early on Wednesdays so I’ll have more time to cook. You can play with Theo while I get the meal ready.’

  ‘I’d love to!’ he exclaimed in delight. ‘Thank you for asking me.’

  ‘It’s no trouble.’ She opened the door, stepping aside so he could pass her. He paused and she could see the tenderness in his eyes.

  ‘Until tomorrow, chérie.’ Bending, he brushed her cheek with a kiss then left.

  Emily watched him get into his car and even managed to wave as he drove away but her heart was hammering. She went back inside and sat down while she thought about what had happened, but her mind kept skipping over the details and coming back to those kisses. She shivered. A couple of kisses didn’t mean anything and she would be a fool to imagine that they did. Ben had kissed her because he’d wanted to apologise. He’d kissed her because he’d been grateful. He had kissed her for all sorts of reasons apart from one. Ben didn’t love her and she mustn’t make the mistake of thinking that he did.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  BEN was on a high the following day. Knowing that he would be seeing Emily and Theo that night made the time fly. He got through his morning and evening lists without any hitches, deriving a great deal of satisfaction from solving his patients’ problems.

  As he took the files through to the office after he’d finished, he realised how low he had been feeling recently. Although it had been hard work setting up the clinic, it wasn’t the pressure of work that had been affecting him but this situation with Emily. Ever since Tom had mentioned her, he had felt on edge. Even though he had tried not to think about that period in his life, he had never managed to erase it. It had been like a wound that wouldn’t heal but now he knew the truth, it was very different. Emily hadn’t lied to him. She hadn’t tried to use him. Knowing that made him feel so much better.

  ‘Ah, Ben, there you are. How did you get on? Not too stressful a day, I hope?’

  Ben smiled when the head of the practice, Simon Harper, came into the office. ‘Not at all. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I enjoyed it.’

  ‘Really?’ Simon laughed. ‘Well, that makes me feel much better. I have to confess that I was starting to feel a bit guilty about accepting your help when you’re supposed to be here on holiday.’

  ‘There’s no need,’ Ben assured him. ‘I’ve been so tied up with paperwork lately that it makes a welcome change to do some hands-on medicine for once.’

  ‘I can imagine how hard it must have been for you after your father died,’ Simon sympathised.

  ‘It was.’ Ben sighed. ‘Setting up the clinic was my father’s dream and that made it all the harder.’

  ‘Because you wanted to do things the way he would have wanted them done,’ Simon suggested astutely.

  ‘Yes, although I’ve come to realise that it isn’t always possible.’ He shrugged. ‘I’ve had to make several changes to his plans but I think he would have approved.’

  ‘I’m sure he would.’ Simon clapped him on the shoulder. ‘He would have been proud of you, Ben. There’s nothing like seeing your children come into their own, as I’m sure you’ll discover for yourself one day.’

  It was the sort of throwaway comment that would have made very little impact at one time. However, as Ben left the office, it struck him how different it was now that he had a child of his own. He could imagine how proud he would be of Theo as he watched him growing up... If he got the chance. Once again the doubts reared their ugly heads but he stamped them down. He refused to allow anything to spoil the evening. This was his first real chance to get to know his son and he wouldn’t let anything take the shine off it.

  He drove straight to Emily’s, briefly stopping en route to buy some flowers for her and a gift for Theo. Although he didn’t intend to turn into the sort of father who bribed his child with presents at every turn, he couldn’t bear to turn up empty-handed. After all, he had missed two birthdays and two Christmases so surely Emily would make allowances?

  He parked outside then walked up the path and knocked on the door. Emily opened it, smiling as she invited him inside.

  ‘Come on in. Supper won’t be long. I’m just waiting for the potatoes to finish baking.’

  ‘These are for you.’ Ben handed her the flowers.

  ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have!’ she exclaimed but he could tell that she was pleased by his gift.

  He smiled at her, loving the hint of colour that had bloomed in her cheeks. It was good to know that he’d had a positive effect on her for once. ‘Of course I should. I’m just pleased you like them.’

  ‘I do. Thank you.’

  She gave him a quick smile then led the way to the sitting room where Theo was playing with some building blocks. Ben paused in the doorway, feeling a whole host of emotions well up inside him. This was his son, the child he had never thought he would have; he couldn’t begin to explain how it made him feel.

  ‘Theo, this is Ben. He came to see us the other day if you remember. Come and say hello, darling.’

  Emily urged the little boy to his feet, holding his hand as she led him across the room. Ben crouched down, guessing it would be less intimidating for Theo if they were on the same eye level.

  ‘Hello, Theo. It’s nice to see you again,’ he said softly. He held out the package he’d brought. ‘This is for you.’

  Theo stared at the parcel for a moment then slowly reached out and took it off him. Kneeling down, he stripped off the paper, exclaiming in delight when he saw the bright red car that Ben had bough
t for him. Within moments, he had the box open and was busily running it across the floor.

  Emily laughed. ‘You couldn’t have bought him anything better. He adores cars.’

  ‘Good. I’ll make a note of that,’ Ben said lightly, trying not to let her see how moved he was by his first proper encounter with his son.

  ‘You do that. Right, I’ll leave you two to enjoy yourselves while I carry on getting the supper ready,’ Emily told him with a gentle smile, and Ben swallowed his sigh. He could tell that she understood how he felt but then nobody had ever been able to read him as well as Emily could.

  It was something he knew he needed to bear in mind. He couldn’t afford to do anything that might upset her. He had to concentrate on being a good father to Theo because that was all Emily wanted him to be, her son’s father, not her lover. Would he be able to handle the change in their relationship? he wondered. In the past three years he had convinced himself that he was over her, that any feelings he’d had for her were dead. It had been easier that way, less painful. However, as he watched her leave the room, he felt his heart lurch. Knowing that Emily hadn’t tried to use him had changed everything. He was no longer sure how he felt, if he was honest.

  * * *

  ‘More carrots, Ben?’

  Emily passed the vegetable dish across the table. On the surface the evening had gone smoothly. Theo seemed to have accepted Ben’s presence, which was encouraging. Although Theo could be shy around strangers, he seemed to have taken to Ben readily enough. She knew she should be pleased that things were working out so well and she was. It was just that she sensed a certain tension that unsettled her. It made her wonder if there was something Ben wasn’t telling her.

  She brushed aside that thought as she helped Theo spoon up the last of his peas. There was no point looking for trouble that might not exist. ‘That’s a good boy. Would you like a yoghurt now?’