All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  If only he knew it was so much worse than cheating.

  That’s when my eyes snapped to his. “Let. Him. Go.”

  Grayson let go of him, holding up his palms to me.

  I shook my head, trying to focus on the situation at hand. If I didn’t think it could get any worse I was wrong…I heard a stream of profanities coming from Shane as he started to pick himself up, spitting blood.

  Grayson just stood there staring at me, breathing heavily. The fact that I was even considering walking away from him right then pissed me off. I shouldn’t give a fuck about Shane.

  “Let’s go, Evie!” The words seemed to explode from Shane as he wiped the blood from his face with the back of his hand. His nose was obviously broken.

  I had to go with him now. If I didn’t it would make it worse. I had to think of my family now and what this would mean. What if he hurt my mom, or Ethan?

  “Evie!” Frankie yelled in horror.

  “I’m sorry guys I have to go with him,” I whispered hoping they didn’t hear me.

  “Evie…what the fuck? Don’t go with him…” Grayson reached for me, his velvet voice pleading and no longer sharp like it once was. I felt his warm fingers graze my arm lightly.

  I wanted to throw myself in his arms but I couldn’t. I wanted to beg him to protect me and never let go.

  “Grayson, I can’t! You made this so much worse for me. I’m with Shane and you need to accept that,” I growled at him, trying to sound convincing. It wasn’t going to work but I had to at least try.

  I couldn’t believe I just said that to the man who held my heart in the palm of his bloody hands.

  I instantly regretted the words as I looked up at him. Grayson tensed, his jaw clenched tight. His eyes flickered toward Shane and away toward mine once again. He reached out as if he was going to touch me, just once, but then stopped. His eyes glazed with tears as he swallowed hard and looked away from me.

  Nodding, he didn’t say another word, turned and walked away.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  Oh my God, what have I done…he believed me…

  Couldn’t he see in my eyes I was lying and screaming for help on the inside but no one could hear me.

  Please hear me! Fucking hear me! Please Grayson, just look into my eyes!

  Of course he didn’t, although I didn’t say it out loud so why the fuck should he listen to me. He kept walking with his head down. Frankie quickly turned to me.

  “Evie! How could you…why…” Frankie choked, her hand over her mouth, and ran after Grayson.

  I didn’t know what I’d done. I felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest. My skin was on fire with anger at what I had just said. Grayson kept walking away and he could have been walking away for good but I wouldn’t blame him. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than what I’d become.

  I turned and helped Shane to the car with Lance.

  Once he was in the Mustang we just sat there, neither one of us speaking. His hands were shaking with anger as he tried to wipe the blood pouring from his broken nose.

  I laughed out loud.

  For God knows what reason, I laughed—nothing about this was funny but I laughed. Leave it to me to make a bad situation worse.

  That was all it took before the back of Shane’s hand came flying toward my face connecting with my left eye and lower lip.

  It took me a moment to comprehend what just occurred. You would think, by now, I would be used to it.

  Letting out a shaky breath, I reached for the door handle when Shane’s hand grabbed my arm forcefully. “You get out and your mom is fired!” he growled, his dark eyes almost black with anger.

  He knew exactly what he needed to say. He always did.

  It’s just a job and it’s not worth your safety. I told myself that a lot.

  I told myself that but somehow it never sank in…the guilt from what ending this relationship would do to my family was my justification for staying with Shane.

  It’s was just a job.

  If I told my mom what was happening now, how bad would that hurt knowing the very thing she protected us from growing up, was happening to me.

  I was living her life, her pain, her regret.

  I laid on his bed, crying, soaked in blood and tears as Shane sat in the corner of his room next to an open window, smoking. I hated the menacing look he wore, the smugness, the stillness. His eyes were black, his hair in his face. Every so often, his only movement, pushing it from his face as the cigarette dangled from his lips.

  The night was hot, even for late spring, sticky and heavy, like my heart.

  Shane stood, his hands on his belt. When I heard the clanking of his buckle, my eyes closed, tear soaked lids wishing away the pain that was about to take place. How bad would it be this time?

  I knew what was about to happen. And it wouldn’t just be one encounter tonight…no, Shane was going to make me pay for every minute of humiliation he felt at the hands of Grayson.

  He didn’t bother with taking his pants off—or mine—the first time.

  But the second time, he ripped my clothes off with a knife he had beside the bed.

  The third time, I cried out. “Stop, Shane…” I begged, between sobs. “Please stop doing this. It hurts…”

  “Shut the fuck up.” He grunted, forcefully pushing inside of me again, my innocence and heart being ripped apart with every push, shredded, maybe never to be whole again. “Just shut the fuck up and take it.”

  I sobbed, uncontrollably, and then screamed, “Grayson!”

  That only pissed him off, raising up on his forearms, he glowered down at me, his eyes so black, so fierce, so determined to never hear me say that again.

  “No one can hear you, Evie. No one can fucking hear you.”

  He was right. No one could.

  Country music and my crying filled the room, Shane moving above me. It’s the wrong hold, the wrong eyes on mine.

  I could fight, but where would that get me?

  More pain probably.

  If I let him, this would be over soon. If I didn’t fight, he wouldn’t.

  I was thankful then that I was on birth control because I knew he wasn’t using anything, why would he?

  Shane cared about nothing.

  “Did you fuck him, Evie?” his breath blew over my face as he spoke sending a curl of nausea through me.

  I didn’t answer. I wasn’t going to but he grabbed my hair and yanked my head back to look at him. “Did. You. Fuck. Him?”

  I cried out in pain, my head buried in his chest. “Yes…”

  That just seemed to piss him off even more, his movements and aggression took over.

  My breathing was shallow, he knew I wasn’t fighting back any longer. He took my resignation the wrong way…that bastard actually thought I was enjoying it.

  His mouth found mine, forceful kisses took over, his grunting and shaking above me taking over.

  It’s over. I told myself that. Again and again. This would be the last time. I wouldn’t let this happen again.

  It wasn’t worth it. Nothing was. I wanted it to end, I wanted my life to end.

  I’d never considered wanting to die. I did now. Every fiber of me hurt, anything was better than this feeling.

  Your mind can be a dark place if you let it. A place where fears become fainted versions of what you think will happen. It plays out before you, a way out, an answer.

  I just simply didn’t have the energy anymore.

  An entire week passed, I woke up the Sunday afternoon, the soreness in me was a constant reminder of what Shane did, what he was doing. Everything hurt for enduring what I had this week.

  I knew I had to get over to Grayson’s cousin’s house. God did my body hurt though, my heart and spirit suffered the most casualty. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to get through this.

  Shane was beside me, awake, naked, with a sheet pooled around his waist as he sat staring at the ceiling smoking again. I hated the
stale smell it left on him and me.

  “I promised my mom I would go to a BBQ today at Aiden’s parent’s house. You coming?”

  He laughed, bitter but controlled, his eyes still on the ceiling. He took one last drag from his cigarette and then leaned over to put it out in the ashtray beside his bed. “You’re not going,” he blew the smoke from his lungs out, it curled in the air above us.

  I wanted to scream. “I have to. If I don’t, they’ll come looking for me.” I gestured to the many bruises and blood on me. “You really want them to find me like this?”

  He looked at me, his own eye still black from Grayson. “Yeah, you think they’ll look for you?” It wasn’t a question of concern. It was from amusement. He didn’t fucking care. I knew that much.

  I nodded. “They will.”

  “They haven’t this entire week.”

  He had me there. They didn’t. But I also shut off my cell phone.

  “Let’s just go. I won’t cause a scene. I promise.”

  His eyes drifted back to the ceiling, a slight nod offered by nothing more for a moment. And then he sighed. “You so much as talk to Grayson, or look his way, you’ll look worse than you do now.”

  I felt my chin quiver, my eyes flooding with sadness. I didn’t ever want to think about how I looked.

  He let me shower with the door open. I felt the soreness more then, before I saw it with my eyes, a bitter reminder, a painful void. There’s only so much someone can take from you before there’s nothing left and you’re never the same. You never can be.

  Shane heard my cries. I thought maybe the world could. My mind went to Grayson, begging for him. I wanted him. I wanted his touch that was gentle, a heartbeat like mine, warm, not cold.

  There’s shit that breaks your faith in love, happiness, and will. It doesn’t happen right away. It’s like a head injury. Sudden pain, confusion, hours of swelling, days of pain, and finally, maybe, death.

  “Time’s up.” Steam rolled around me in waves, my bones chilled, my heart gone when Shane beat on the wall. “Get out, Evie.”

  I got out of the shower, and then my eyes caught my reflection in the mirror.

  There’d be no way to cover this up. Someone, Grayson, everyone would notice.

  It wasn’t the blood that caught my attention. It wasn’t the swollen lips or even the bruises. It wasn’t my fragile hold on my emotions.

  It was my eyes, the green outlined by red, tormented and lifeless, no hope, no fight, scars that may never heal, a spirit that’s forever broken.

  I used to look at my mother and see this, a sadness that lingered so deep, present when she looked at Ethan and me, two people born from hatred and violence.

  Tears fell on my cheeks as Shane tossed my makeup bag at me. “Cover that shit up.”

  If I could have stabbed him with an eyelash curler and it would have killed him, I would have.

  We left late that night and went over to Aiden’s parent’s house.

  Aiden Gomez was one of Grayson’s cousins, older by two years, he’d left home when he graduated and eventually found his way to working on a NASCAR team where he was a spotter.

  Aiden was a great guy and him and Grayson had always been fairly close growing up. In turn, I knew him pretty well too.

  When Shane and I arrived it was well past nine that night and the party seemed in full force. They had a bonfire out back and the tractors were already out. The Gomez family was famous for souped-up lawnmower races. Aiden’s dad, Adam, always had the fastest.

  That apparently hadn’t changed.

  We walked around the side of the house and to the backyard, Shane with a firm grip on my wrist, never my hand.

  I saw Frankie first, her arms wrapped around Aiden. He looked much the same, blonde hair, tall, lanky, same southern drawl.

  I saw Grayson next, standing by a lawnmower with another guy around the same height and build. I recognized him immediately as the driver of the team Aiden spotted for. He had on a black hat pulled down low so you couldn’t see his eyes but I knew it was him. He was the most talked about driver in NASCAR right now.

  My gaze went back to Grayson, in his hand a half empty bottle of whiskey frequently being brought to his lips. He looked up, maybe he could sense my presence, maybe not. Our eyes met, and then drifted. I hurt him. Bad. He wasn’t looking at me right now.

  I wanted to cry, tears for everything I’d sacrificed but I didn’t…I was all cried out at the moment.

  Aiden found us. “Hey, Evie!” he hugged me, the smell of gasoline and dirt all around him.

  Shane stayed beside me, one hand on me.

  “It’s good to see you, Aiden.” I let go of Shane’s hand to hug him tighter. As soon as I pulled away, Shane reached for me.

  Aiden noticed, and he was already drunk so he said what he wanted. “Ease up man, I ain’t stealin’ your girl.” Aiden wrapped his arm around me, pulling me along. My hand slipped from Shane’s. “Come meet Jameson and Emma.”

  I hesitated, knowing they were standing beside Grayson. How much pain would this get me?

  Aiden wasn’t taking no for an answer and dragged me over toward the group, Shane followed.

  Country music blared from speakers on the deck, a loud base to Brooks and Dunn thumped in my chest. My heart and bones shook, a fear of what would happen in the next few minutes broke them to dust.

  Grayson didn’t look up, instead he brought the bottle to his lips again taking a long pull from it, finishing the remains. Jameson chuckled lightly beside him, bumping his shoulder with his fist. “I’ll race this guy. He’s all fucked up.”

  Everyone chuckled, everyone but Grayson. His eyes were on the field, a group of girls to his left. The thought that he would be leaving with one of them brought a pain, a prickling cold sensation over me. My heart broke, if it could anymore.

  I knew the sound, I hear it a lot these days, a shattered ice sound.

  Aiden wrapped his arm around me again. “Evie,” he pointed to a girl a little shorter than me with black hair wearing a hooded sweatshirt and cut off jean shorts. “This is Emma Riley and her brother,” he pointed to the guy beside Grayson, “Jameson.”

  I shook Emma’s hand first, then Jameson reached for my hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said, smiling, his voice a deep rasp I recognized from his frequent interviews. Ethan was a huge NASCAR fan so it was rare the race wasn’t on TV.

  “What brings a hot shot NASCAR driver to Pinckard?” Shane asked Jameson.

  Jameson squinted at him, his left hand tipping up his hat slightly. He didn’t answer Shane, barely even acknowledged him, but his eyes went to Shane’s grip on my wrist, and then back to Shane.

  An awkward pause in the conversation caused Aiden to ask how everyone was and how long Grayson had been back.

  Grayson shrugged. “Few days.”

  The conversation was flowing lightly when Aiden laughed, he was drunk, as was most everyone, including Grayson who was leaned against the lawnmower. His hand slipped off the mower and he stumbled a little causing everyone to laugh at how drunk he was.

  “You know,” Aiden said motioning between Grayson and I, “the last time I saw you Evie you were wrapped around this guy.”

  I wasn’t going to say anything, it would make it worse when silence came.

  Grayson looked over at his cousin, bloodshot eyes drifting. “Shit changed man.” The empty bottle in his hand crashed against the metal of the lawnmower. “You can’t leave and expect people to wait for you,” he turned his back and walked away, maybe for the last time.

  Jameson chuckled. “And here I thought my shit was complicated.”

  Everyone laughed, everyone but me. And then they looked at me for an answer, a clarification, an excuse. I had nothing.

  It was evident right then I wasn’t the only one hurting here, he was too, maybe just as bad. Guilt can do that to you.

  Aiden shrugged, raising his hands. “Sorry.”

  Emma reached for him and then Frankie. “Let’s drink!�
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  That’s all it took for everyone to get distracted and caught back up in the lawnmower races.

  It was another hour later, I hadn’t seen Grayson again but his truck was still parked next to Ethan’s Jeep. I knew he was here somewhere.

  I was dancing with Shane on the deck, annoyed but allowing him to grope me knowing damn well, if I didn’t, it would cause a scene.

  I saw Grayson over Shane’s shoulder, he was talking to Courtney and two other girls, they were all laughing at something he was telling them.

  Shane noticed my attention was diverted and pulled back, his eyes on mine. “Come with me,” he breathed in my ear, his breath stinking of vodka.

  Like I had a choice. He took me around the side of the house, but still in full view of the party.

  He had me pinned against the house, with Grayson in full view. His hands moved over me, rough and tugging my dress up around my waist, his hand between my legs.

  I knew what was going to happen. I knew then that I’d rather die than feel what I was feeling. Shane’s questing fingers prodded around me under my dress, an unwanted friction that was impossible to stop. It only hurt me. My tears couldn’t be helped. They streaked down my face and soaked into the front of my dress. I felt his free hand groping my breasts. Involuntarily, I made a whimpering sound, even more scared than I had been. I didn’t feel anything except the utter repulsiveness of having him touch me.

  “Go ahead, look at him now. Let him see you fucking me. Let him…” he grunted, his erection against my thigh. His jeans were still on but I knew what was about to happen.

  Grayson looked my way, over his shoulder when Courtney pointed at us, and then away again. To anyone this looked like a couple making out.

  It wasn’t.

  Shane’s left hand was wrapped around the back of my neck, the other between my legs. His mouth was on the heated sticky skin of my neck, biting and sucking.

  I tried to scream for Grayson but Shane’s hand moved and captured my pleas. “He can’t hear you. He can’t fucking hear you.”

  I heard the roar of the lawnmower races fade, and then saw Jameson coming around the other side of the house with his helmet in hand, his cell phone in the other.