All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  I was too embarrassed to look at him, afraid of what he might say, or feel.

  What if he was having second thoughts?

  What if he thought he was some kind of rebound?

  Every time we’ve been together like that, there’s always been someone else. The thing was, there has never really been anyone but him. It’s always been him.

  He didn’t say anything. Nothing. Just smiled. The rest of the night passed in an alcohol induced blur and I don’t think I stopped smiling once. I swear we danced to every song and I had no complaints. I couldn’t get close enough to him and was intent on making up for lost time.

  The sun had long since been swallowed by the day when we left The Point, the night was still warm, the humidity still very much present. I could hear the cicada singing in the background as I got inside Grayson’s truck.

  With the windows rolled down, the way the air smelled, the wet humidity, the smell of the summer flowers in bloom, it all reminded me of the way things used to be, a much simpler time and the way they would be now that Grayson was here, with me again. I vowed then to never let him go again.

  Grayson only drove about a half mile when he suddenly pulled off the highway onto a dirt road between some over grown trees. My stomach dropped a little, uncertain.

  What in the world is he doing?

  Pulling forward about another hundred feet down the road, he turned the truck off, his hands and head resting on the steering wheel.

  “I think I need to sober up a little. Got anything in mind that can help me?” He asked in the most seductive voice I have ever heard, his cheeks flushed from the alcohol.

  He pulled back sitting back against the seat, his head resting against the back window. He turned to look over at me, his eyes slowly raked over my body as he ran his hands through his hair.

  Now I knew what Grayson was hinting at when he asked if I had anything in mind and I couldn’t help it any longer. I blamed the alcohol.

  I unbuckled myself and practically launched my body on to his lap, he grunted when I fell onto him but smiled anyways. “Mmmm, that’s a good idea.”

  I maneuvered myself sideways on his lap, my legs on the bench seat where I was once sitting, my arms slide around his neck.

  There was a small part of me that was trying to block out Shane and what he made me do in his car. I had to get over that. This wasn’t Shane. This was Grayson.

  He placed both his hands on either side of my face as he pressed his lips to mine. It didn’t take long for our kisses to become urgent again and full of desire. This time there was no one around. We didn’t have to stop, if we didn’t want to.

  One of his hands slid down my neck, the other gripped the nape of my neck as his kisses deepened. His right hand continued to move south until it was on my thigh, then started moving north sliding up under my dress, but slow enough that if it wasn’t something I wanted, I could stop it.

  I leaned into his embrace further, wanting everything he was giving. I moved to kiss the sensitive spot under his ear—then trailed wet open mouth kisses up and down his neck. I shifted a little to get a better angle that only made me rub against his hips. I felt the reaction he was having to this.

  His breath caught and he groaned softly as he threw his head back against the back window. “Jesus Christ…Evie…I don’t want to stop.”

  I felt the same and took that as encouragement, taking advantage of his exposed neck, trailing more kisses along his neck and grazing my tongue over him as I did so. He pushed his hips into me again, letting me feel exactly what I was doing to him.

  The windows were fogging up, both of us starting to pant, hands and mouths remembering the warmth, a love bound in this very truck where we first made-out in the parking lot at The Point. Luckily, when we pulled over he rolled down his window or we would be suffocating from the lack of oxygen in here.

  His hand moved higher, trembling as he pushed and pulled me against his pelvis. Once his fingers reached the edge of my panties, he paused, and waited.

  It was my turn to not say anything. I smiled.

  With a familiar gentleness he had when it came to me, he pushed my panties aside.

  There seemed to be no hesitation for either of us once he did that. Grayson seemed to know exactly what he wanted. As he slowly let his finger explore. I moaned as he found the most sensitive spot and started caressing it, causing me to involuntarily arch my back and tightened my hold on him, losing myself in him.

  I pushed my hips into him, causing more friction against his jeans, we both moaned softly as our breathing moved from heavy to out of control need. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder how much further things would go. Of course I wanted more, he obviously did too. I tried to figure out how I could actually even straddle him in here…or any other position that might be remotely comfortable. I also knew that had I not wanted this, he would stop immediately.

  When his fingers slid inside, I gasped at how good it felt. As soon as his fingers found the wetness that my arousal caused it only spurred him on further—pushing into my hips harder now, with intention, as he let out a low growl. His kissing became more desperate as if he needed them to breathe.

  I turned my body so I was more on top of him. He didn’t move his hand but this position also seemed to give him better access and excite him even more. His breathing was now coming in short jagged breaths, and to be fair, mine wasn’t any better. I began to feel like I was losing control—a pressure that was building seemed to be increasing quickly. His soft grunts as he pushed me into him only increased the pleasure I was feeling.

  I found that the more noises that I made, the harder he pushed into my hips and quicker his hand moved.

  I had no idea where this was going, all I knew was this felt way too good to stop at that point and Grayson was definitely on the same page. Soon the excitement was reaching a very soul shattering high and he began to push his hand into me faster. My body started to shake, a feeling I hadn’t had in a while.

  I very nearly screamed as my orgasm crashed over me. I had no idea how but my hand somehow made it down Grayson’s unbuttoned pants to his erection, he gasped loudly when my hand wrapped around him.

  I don’t even remember how they got unbuttoned.

  “Evie…what…” he didn’t finish, just threw his head back against the window and his eyes fell closed, his hips raising.

  Once my hand was down there I realized this was the first time I had actually felt him with no clothes in the way. Even when we had sex, I had never touched him down there.

  As I writhed and moaned on top of him, he pushed into my hand faster and now with determination. He needed the same relief.

  Within minutes he let out a loud groan into my ear and I felt him harden further under my touch.

  He grunted in the most delicious voice I’d ever heard as his body began to jerk and tremble against me, then became rigid, his legs tensing.

  From the sticky warm wetness that was now spilling in on my hand, I could only assume he was feeling the same soul shattering high I just felt.

  Slumping against me, our breathing started to even out. Now that I wasn’t moaning and squirming around I started to comprehend what just happened between us.

  Holy fuck.

  He was still kissing my neck and trying to slow his own breathing, it wasn’t helping. He was still breathing heavy. Every once in a while he would chuckle at his futile attempts and then I would start laughing.

  I looked at him, my hand still down his pants, his still up my dress. It seemed neither of us wanted to move.

  He smirked back at me, shaking his head. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” His voice was gravelly, unlike his usual soft southern tone. He looked down at my hand still on him and grinned again.

  I was almost afraid to remove it. I kind of felt an attachment to it now after what we just did.

  After kissing once more, he removed his hand from under my dress and reached for the glove box to grab some napkins, his left ha
nd around my waist remained curled around me.

  I hid my head into his chest.

  “Hey,” Grayson asked softly settling the napkins next to him. Gently placing his hand under my chin, forcing me look at him. “Are you okay? Did you not want to do that?” he sighed. “Fuck…I should have asked you first.” Regret and concern flashed in his eyes. “I—”

  “No, I don’t regret it.” I assured him. “I guess I was just... It all happened so fast I wasn’t sure what we were doing. I just…well at least our first time together again wasn’t in your truck.”

  He chuckled a little kissing my forehead. “I wouldn’t have done that in my truck,” he chuckled again. “I would have at least put you in the truck bed, there’s more room out there,” he teased with a cocky grin, watching me.

  I elbowed him in the stomach. “Always an answer.”

  He laughed again catching my hand with his own and placed his other hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I was just about to stop us but I thought why not let you have a little pleasure out of it and then some how you put your hand…” he let his eyes fall to his lap. “Before I knew it, I couldn’t stop what was happening.” He paused as if deciding what to say again. “Actually, I could have, but didn’t want to.” He clarified kissing me again. “I spent three years alone. I’m a little worked up.”

  At least he’s honest.

  I laughed at how easily we lost control with each other and how easy it was to tell him my fears. I couldn’t have done that with Shane. Or if I did, I would have regretted it.

  I kept asking myself, should I be doing this?

  Was it too soon?

  Was it normal to want this from Grayson?

  I didn’t have a direct answer, just that I was happy right then.

  After we got back from his house around one that morning, Grayson and I intended on watching a movie but once we were alone, he had other plans. It seemed maybe our night wasn’t over.

  It seemed his statement of being worked up was true.

  “I can’t seem to help myself around you...” his low voice whispered in my ear. “You probably shouldn’t sleep in my bed.”

  I whimpered in reply when he rolled on top of me.

  He pulled me closer his lips working in perfect unison against my own. Grayson hitched my leg around his waist so that he could push himself deeper between my legs. He groaned, and my head fell back against the pillow exposing my neck for his taking. We moved together, his hips pushed against mine, his hands kneading the skin of my lower back before gripping my waist to create the friction.

  His whole body pushed me into the mattress and it was exactly what I needed. I needed more just like he did.

  I moaned in his ear, which spurred him on further, pinning me against the mattress, holding my arms firmly over my head with one hand, my hands rested on his pillow, but it wasn’t rough. His other hand started at my face and then trailed down the length of my upper body until it reached the hem of his baseball shirt I had on. Slowly he slid it over my head, leaving me in just my bra.

  Grayson pulled back to look in my eyes and sighed. “You are so fucking pretty.”

  I shook my head at him. “No, you are.”

  Slowly he bent down and let his lips drag over my jaw, lightly, teasing me. He chuckled when I whimpered in annoyance but eventually his warm lips met my own.

  I pulled his shirt over his head and started working on his shorts when he grabbed my hand and put it back over my head.

  His hands were on my hips pushing his own into mine, creating the friction both of us were looking for, he groaned as I arched my back into him. My hands crept around his neck pulling him in for another kiss. He rolled over pulling me on top of him so I was straddling him. I rocked back in forth against him as he leaned his head back into the pillow and closed his eyes as soft moans escaped his lips. I reached for the band of his shorts again.

  “Evie…” he grunted shaking his head in disapproval, his voice was husky, heated with lust, his eyes dark and hungry. He rolled me over so he was hovering over me again, still moving against my hips, though he kept trying to say we should stop, it was obvious that he couldn’t.

  Every time he tried to pull away, he would come back with that much more intensity. Soon his shorts were off leaving him in just his underwear and me in my bra and panties. I was beginning to think when neither one us were stopping that this was going to be the night, the night we finally did what both of us wanted, what three years apart prevented us from doing.

  I gave in and kissed him more passionately. Each kiss answering every unspoken question he had as to whether or not I was ready for this. It all felt so amazing.

  Suddenly, without warning he stopped and gently pushed me off him. His breathing was heavy, both of us panting as he sat up.

  He shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry. We can’t do this right now. I—”

  “But I want to Grayson,” I said cutting him off. Deep down, I had no idea if that was true. I just couldn’t think well enough to give myself a straight answer.

  “For me, or you?”

  “Both of us,” I answered immediately.

  “I want to too. More than you can possibly fucking imagine but…” he put his head down. “What if you’re not ready, then what?” He asked softly looking around my room. “That’s not cool. I’m being an idiot here. I shouldn’t be attacking you like this.”

  I gave him a look, and I’m not even sure the look I gave him but it was enough. Apparently, he couldn’t take it. He was on top of me again in a few seconds and we continued where we left off.

  In between his kisses he murmured, “I can’t have sex with you tonight. I’m not going to. But…does this feel good to you?” His words almost sounded desperate, as he pushed his hips hard against mine, where I so desperately needed the friction.

  “Yes,” I said breathlessly.

  “Then…I…won’t…stop,” he grunted in my ear. “Just enjoy it.” His husky voice sent shivers down my entire body, leaving me trembling for more from just a single statement.

  “Please don’t…stop.”

  I soon started to get that tightening in my stomach as his grinding into me got harder and faster, his arm reached up to remove my bra as his mouth found my breasts. I was dying here. The feeling of Grayson’s hot mouth on my nipples, the way he would apply more pressure as he withdrew his lips, the way he’d pull them from his mouth, leaving them in the cool air before returning to me before sucking them back inside and running his tongue along them.

  I was gasping for air, as was he, when my moans turned into pleas and I started trembling underneath of him as my orgasm overtook me, exploding in the most pleasurable combination of feelings. My fingers dug into his bare shoulders as I held him close, not wanting him to retreat.

  When I was able to focus again, I could tell Grayson wasn’t done. He pulled away, his hand reached inside his underwear as he took a firm grasp of himself.

  It was so fucking hot to see him stroking himself.

  Just two frantic, incredibly erotic strokes, and his body tensed for the second time tonight, his muscles as hard as stone as he held himself over me. I held onto him as much as I could until his movements stilled. He moved, a warm mess captured on my stomach, and laid beside me, his sweaty body somewhat rigid.

  He laughed, slightly breathless. “Jesus…”

  “Wow,” I said proudly.

  He laughed again, but said nothing more.

  It was times like this, moments between us alone that it was easy to believe that life didn’t exist outside of this.

  Too bad that wasn’t true, but it was nice to at least pretend for those moments.

  It was about seven in the morning when I felt Evie running her hands over my bare chest. I kept my eyes closed not knowing if this was a dream or not. Her fingertips made circles around my bare stomach, slowly going lower until her fingers were at the waistband of my shorts.

  I opened my eyes to confirm my theory to find
her gazing at me.

  “I thought that would wake you,” she said softly with a smile.

  “Mmm…you could keep going if you want.” I teased, smiling seductively, pulling her on top of me. I moved my hand up her body, tangling it in her hair to pull her closer to me. She froze before my lips met hers.

  Evie placed her fingers against my lips. “I actually wanted to talk with you.” She moved to my side sitting up and pulling her knees to her chest. Given she was only wearing a t-shirt I got a clear view of those lacy red panties again with the sunlight coming into my room.

  Calm down, Grayson, calm down, she wants to talk not have sex with you…

  “Oh…” I said rolling to my side to listen to her, kissing her calf softly as I did so. She still had scrapes down her legs from the other night and the thought made me angry. Instantly. A reminder there was shit we couldn’t avoid.

  “I think it’s about time we talked about everything,” she said nervously, biting her swollen bottom lip. Her face was looking much better but her eye was still bruised.

  “I’m listening.” I was going to make her talk first. I wasn’t ready, at least not yet.

  “Grayson, I’m sorry for the other night at Aiden’s parent’s house,” Evie apologized. Ashamed she put her head down leaning her chin on her knees looking down at me. “And for yelling at you, and leaving with Shane.”

  I cut her off before she could continue blaming herself for this, shaking my head. “Evie,” I spoke softly grabbing her hand in mine, my knuckles still swollen. She traced her fingers lightly over them. “I don’t want you to be sorry for something you had no control over,” I demanded point-blank.

  “I know. I just…I feel like I’m putting everyone in danger for my stupid mistakes,” she whispered looking down at our intertwined hands.

  “Why…did you go out with him?” I looked up at her from under my lashes, wondering what the fuck she saw in him.

  Evie sighed and chewed on her lip, as if she was trying to figure out how to word it. “Honestly, he was sweet at first, kind of reminded me of you,” she met my anxious eyes for a moment then looked back at our hands.