In My Head

by Schiefer, S. L.

  “Daddy!” The shrill scream of our toddler interrupts us from doing anything else.

  “You locked the door right?” The panic in my voice is evident.

  “Yes! God, at least we finished this time. Let me get rid of this condom and I’ll throw my pants back on while you get cleaned up.” He pulls out. And instantly his whole demeanor changes. “Uh, babe?”

  My panic intensifies instantly. “What? What is it?” I’m practically as shrill as our daughter.

  “I forgot to use a condom.”

  Well, hell. “We should be, okay. Right? I mean, I haven’t had my period in like . . .” I mentally count the days. “Oh, fuck. I’m pretty sure I’m ovulating.”

  I look up at Ben to see him smirking at me. “I can’t say I’m sorry if you end up pregnant, you know I love kids and I love you pregnant.” He leans back down to place a gentle kiss against my lips. “God, I’m excited now. I wish we were able to know sooner.”

  “Yeah, that’s not how this works and you know it.” Do I want another baby? Yes, absolutely. Do I want one now? Well, I guess it’s a little too late for that.

  “I love you, Sunshine.” My husband smiles at me, and climbs off the bed. Leaving me to wonder if we’re really ready for another baby.

  Exactly nine months, four days later

  “I’M SORRY? WHAT DID you say?” I stare at the doctor in disbelief.

  “I need to break your water, which won’t hurt that bad. Just a little discomfort. Then I’m going to attach a head monitor to the baby. That . . . will hurt,” my doctor tells me.

  This is the second time Ben and I have been here. In this hospital. In this very room. And let me tell you . . . it’s no more pleasant this time around than it was last time. MaKayla came around two years ago. Almost nine months after we got married. Cue side-eyed Emoji here. We’re awaiting the arrival of Kody. The boy we prayed for so we could be officially done having kids.

  “You didn’t have to do this last time,” I grind out.

  “I know, Lyla. But times have changed. So you’re getting the head monitor.”

  I sigh. Fuck him. And fuck Ben for getting me here again. “Whatever.” I scoot down on the bed, widening my legs so the doctor can fit his huge hand up my vagina. Christ in a handbasket that hurts!

  “You guys need to find a better way of doing that. Jesus! Oh! Send the nurse back in here with the anesthesia form. I’m getting that shit this time. You guys aren’t talking me out of it either.” The doctor assures me he’ll send the nurse in.

  I hear Ben chuckling beside me. Asshole. “If I could force you to carry a baby for nine months and have you go through the labor, I totally would.”

  “I know, baby. Believe me, I know. I would absolutely trade places with you in a heartbeat. You know I don’t like it when you’re in pain.” Le sigh. This man. This breathtaking, caring, strong, lovable man is mine. And he’s fucking perfect.

  SOME HOURS LATER I’M holding my beautiful baby boy and we’re back in our normal room. Ben is trying to catch a little bit of sleep on the uncomfortable couch, that way he can stay up with Kody for a little bit tonight. And I can sleep.

  I refuse to put him down. And if I do, I place him between my legs on the bed. I freaking love newborns. Their smell, their little noises, just everything about them. I keep stroking a finger down the side of his cheek. Every once and a while his eyes will flutter open and they’ll lock on mine. Like he knows exactly who I am.

  “Babe, are you going to put him down at all?” A sleepy Ben asks from a few feet over.

  Without looking at him I reply, “Nope. I just want to snuggle him.”

  “Well, it’s time for you to get some rest. I want some snuggle time with my boy. I have to start instilling in him some very serious life lessons.” I snort and cast a look at him, and he has the biggest grin on his face. “C’mon, woman. Give me my baby!” He stands up from the couch and comes to stand next to the bed.

  Giving him a mock glare, I carefully transfer the sleepy baby into my husband’s arms. Once Kody is settled, he grabs the blanket from the bed and heads back to the couch. I’m basically pouting before he turns back around and comes back to give me a soft, lingering kiss.

  “He’s beautiful, babe. You did great. We made another amazing kid.” He smiles a heart stopping smile and goes back to his couch. I’m telling you, all these emotions and having a husband that actually cares? There is nothing more right in the world than this feeling right here.

  “Hey, Ben?” He just got himself situated on the couch.

  “Yeah, babe?” Kody is lying on his chest, and he’s covering him with the blanket. Making sure he’s snug.

  “I love you.” He just lightly kisses our son’s head and whispers that he loves me too.

  Present Day

  MOVING ROUGHLY TWO hours away with a baby that wants to crawl and get into everything? Not on my list of things that I ever wanted to do. But it’s necessary. We’re finally into our new house and getting settled. The house we bought is a beautiful two-story house in a neutral cream color, with a darker tan shutters, a wraparound porch, and a nice size back yard. Inside it has three bedrooms, two full bathrooms, and a very open first floor. It seriously couldn’t have been any more perfect than if we had it built ourselves.

  Ben is working on taking over the tattoo shop he purchased, that’s been his dream for a long time. He doesn’t want to tattoo anyone; he just wants to run the business side of it. That’s what he thrives in doing. All that number shit just frustrates the hell out of me.

  Me? I’m staying home with the kids. Ben just happened to have a college fund that was nearly double more than what he needed so we’re sitting pretty right now. Allowing me the luxury of staying home with my kids.

  Today, though, I want something to do just to get out of this house for a little bit. So I call my mom.

  After just a few rings she picks up. “Hey, sweetie. What are you doing?”

  “Oh, nothing. Is there any chance you’re at home and not doing anything?”

  Her laugh travels through the phone. “Do you need a couple hours to yourself?”

  “Oh my god, yes.” I sigh into the phone, trying to not sound anxious to get rid of my kids. But, lord, I need a couple of hours to myself.

  “All right, you can bring them over. Just bring Kody’s little pack and play in case he wants to take a nap. I have plenty of toys for them both though.”

  “You’re a God send, Mom. I love you! We’ll see you soon!” I hurry up and end the phone call before she can change her mind on me.

  I start running around the house grabbing everything my mom might need for a couple hours, which ends up being two bags for each kid. Over kill? Yes, yes it is. I take a squealing little girl out to the car, evidently I’m not as cool as Gramma. Once I have her all strapped in, I run back in to grab Kody and the bags. Loading everything and Kody into the car I shut the door. Breathing a sigh of relief, I scramble around the car and in the driver door.

  Oh my god! I’m going to have a couple hours to myself! I don’t even care what I do, I just need some adult time. Backing out of my driveway, I maneuver onto the street and head in the direction of my parent’s house.

  My parents live in modest two-bedroom house out in the country. They moved from the city to the country once I left for college. They didn’t need the room anymore, so they downsized. The house they have now has a couple acres of land, so it’s great for the kids to come and visit. They love going out their Gramma and Papa’s house.

  The drive to their house takes me about twenty-five minutes. When you have two excited kids in the car and one that won’t stop talking about everything she’s going to do, the short drive is wonderful. Even better since we used to live so far away.

  ONCE I DROPPED THE kids off, and all but ran out of the house, I ended up taking myself to get some food. Sitting at an Olive Garden, alone, was not how I pictured my day but it was glorious. I enjoyed every bit of being able to eat hot food, fres
h from the kitchen. Instead of having to wait until everyone else is taken care of first.

  I called Ben after I left Olive Garden to see what he was up to, saying I was going to stop by his work to hang out for a little bit.

  My husband owning a tattoo shop has been a win-win for him. He put word out when we decided to move down here that he was looking to buy. One of our friends knew that this shop was on the verge of closing, and Ben swooped in and bought the place from a very eager little old man.

  The hardest part of owning the business being that Ben had to have a crash course on the numbers and bills. Trying to familiarize himself with everything quickly. Ben kept the current staff with the requirement that they had to follow the new rules and do great work. Thankfully, they’ve made the switch of employer super simple for everyone. They truly are the best group of guys to have working for us. And they do stunning work.

  The win-win part of all this is that he is tattooed for free. When I first met him, he had the start of a sleeve on one arm. Now his entire torso is covered. It’s sexy as fuck.

  I pull into the empty spot beside Ben’s truck, and turn the car off. Getting out I walk to the front door and pull it open, hearing the bells jingle as I enter. Glancing around, you wouldn’t think much of this hole in the wall place. The little bit of cleaning up Ben has done in the short time he’s owned it almost makes it look like a different place. The man really is dedicated to his job, because he didn’t expect the employees to come in and help he just did it himself.

  “Lyla! Babe, when are you going to let me ink that perfect skin of yours?” I hear from beside me. The booming voice just about causes me to jump out of my skin. The laugher that follows just makes me scowl harder at everyone.

  “Fuck you, Chris. God, you know I’m jumpy why do you do this shit to me?” I yell at him. Causing everyone to laugh more. Chris Taylor, the head artist here, loves scaring me at every opportunity. I call out “hello” to Michael, Tommy, and Ethan.

  I find my husband’s piercing green eyes and walk towards him. “Your employee wants to tattoo me.”

  “I heard that. You should let him, I know he wouldn’t fuck up,” he says with a smile as he leans down to kiss me. His comment earns him a “fuck off dude” from Chris.

  I wrinkle my nose. “I wouldn’t have the slightest idea as to what I would get, babe.”

  “Well, you do have four tattoo artists at your disposal. I think between them, they could come up with something that you might like.” He cocks his head to the side, the unspoken “duh” hanging in the air.

  Narrowing my eyes, I say, “Is that the whole reason you were excited for me to come down? Trying to get me inked, husband?”

  His eyes soften and he frames my face with his hands, rubbing his thumbs softly across my cheeks. “Baby, you’re so sexy. Even after two kids, you’re still it for me. No one compares to you. If you really don’t want a tattoo, you don’t have to get one. But you talk about it and then never act on it. These guys will gladly clear a couple spots for you, if you want to get one. You just need to give them a concept of what you might want, and then they’ll get it drawn up.”

  I’m swooning over this guy. He makes me fall in love with him more and more each day. Closing my eyes, I just stand there and absorb the feel of his hands on my face. “All right, you win. I’ll get some ink. I guess I picked a good day for the kids to drive me nuts, huh?”

  A smile that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners spreads across his face. “It’s not about winning, baby. It’s about doing something that makes you happy.”

  “And what exactly is going to make me happy about letting someone jab me in the arm with a needle for an extended period of time?” Sarcasm dripping from every word that came out of my mouth.

  “Baby, get the damn tattoo and you’ll get what I mean.” Shaking my head, I step away from him.

  “All right, Chris. Go get your drawing stuff. Let’s draw me a tattoo.” I sit down on one of the love seats in the waiting area, and when Chris comes back with his sketchpad, he sits down next to me and we got started.

  After about forty-five minutes of him drawing my ideas and me disagreeing with everything he was doing, I think he was ready to strangle me. “Wasn’t such a great idea wanting to tattoo me, huh?”

  “Jesus, but you are the most difficult person I’ve ever dealt with!” he whisper yells at me, and that only makes me smile.

  “But look at our masterpiece. It’s a work of genius.” The tattoo we finally came up with is a tree, with bare branches that’ll go on my forearm. There will be four birds on one of the branches. Two to represent myself and Ben and two smaller ones for the kids. I decided to add in a watercolor look where the branches are. Besides that, everything will be black. Not exactly a small tattoo to ease me into this. I’m just diving in head first.

  “Okay, come on back. I’ll get everything set up and get you ready. You’re not going to pass out on me, are you?”

  I scoff. “Of course not, I’ve had two kids. I can handle this.”

  After he got everything ready, my arm shaved, and the transfer of the tree onto my skin he picked up his gun. And turned it on.

  Suddenly it was really hot in here.

  Also, I think I’m going to pass out.

  “MOMMMMMY! IT’S TIME to get up!” The tiny little voice yells at me.

  “Just a few more minutes, baby. Crawl into bed with Mommy,” I beg my three year old.

  “Mommy, I’m hungry and Kody is crying.” That wakes me up. What the hell time is it anyway? I roll over and the clock tells me it’s nine. Shit. How did I sleep this late?

  “All right, I’m up. Go downstairs and I’ll be there in a minute to feed you, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy.” She scampers out of my room with a squeal of delight.

  Fuck my life, I never sleep this late. I’m always up before the kids. And always before Ben leaves for work. Struggling to disentangle myself from my blankets, I let out a huff of annoyance. At myself. At this morning.

  I just want to fucking sleep.

  Once I’m finally out of my bed, I go to Kody first and grab him, then make my way downstairs to make him a bowl of cereal and a bottle, then grab Kay some food.

  Thirty minutes later and both kids are fed and happy. For right now. In this house their happiness never lasts that long. I set Kay up with one of her favorite DVD’s, and I lie back down on the couch and snuggle up with Kody.

  “All right, bubby. Mommy just wants to lay here for a little bit. Can you help me out with that and nap with me?” But of course, he doesn’t answer me. He just sits there and babbles at me. Not even caring what I said to him, but eating up the attention anyways.

  “Mommy, are you taking a nap? Can I nap with you too?” Kay looks up at me with wide eyes. She isn’t used to me being lazy. I’m usually up doing something. But I have absolutely no desire to clean, do laundry, or even move from this couch.

  And that’s where I proceeded to stay all day. Unless I needed food or the kids needed something, I kept my ass on the couch.

  WHEN BEN CAME in the house from work that night he stopped in the living room and glanced around at the obvious tornado that ran through there. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. “Don’t judge me. I wanted a lazy day.”

  “Your lazy day isn’t going to turn into a couple days or anything is it?” he asks seriously, as he picks Kody up from my arms.

  “F off.” I sensor myself since Kay is still in the living room with us. And she’s repeating everything these days.

  Laughing he replies, “I’m just wondering. I can hire someone to come clean the house if it’s too much.”

  What. The. Fuck? “You think I can’t handle cleaning the house? I’m a stay at home mom that is my job isn’t it?” I’m surprised I couldn’t fit anymore attitude into those questions.

  All humor drops from his face. “That’s not at all what I meant, babe. I just meant that if you . . . You know what? It’s fine. I know you can handle
this. But if you ever think it’s too much, like when the kids get older and you’re running them everywhere, just let me know okay?”

  I just narrow my eyes. Deep down I don’t really think he meant that the way I took it. But, before any rational thought could enter my mind, I immediately went straight to him thinking the worst.

  I’M GETTING ALL OF the kid’s things together to take them out to my parent’s house again. Michelle and I are having lunch together today. It was a “you aren’t telling me no” kind of invitation. So, even if I didn’t want to go, I’m going.

  And, even though she’s my best friend, I really don’t want to go.

  I can think of a million other things I should be doing, but not wanting to find the energy to do those.

  I’m a hot mess.

  When I cart the last of the bags and Kody to the foyer my phone chirps with a text message. Picking it I see that it’s from Ben.

  Ben: Have fun with Michelle today. Tell her I said hi.

  Me: Okay.

  Ben: Love you!

  Me: You too.

  Shoving the phone into my purse I start carrying everything to the car. A little over an hour later I’m in Bucyrus pulling up to The Java House, a little coffee shop close to where I grew up. Michelle and I happened upon it one time on one of our trips back to my hometown. Now it’s a must whenever she’s down to visit.

  Coffee always sounds good, and I can do with a little caffeine fix today. Or everyday. And they have great muffins.

  My best friend is standing outside the front door waiting on me, and when she sees me she squeals and wraps me in a tight hug. I wrap my one arm around her back, giving her a halfhearted hug. I’m really not in the mood to be hugged on.