In My Head

by Schiefer, S. L.

And knowing me better than I know myself, she pulls back and gives me a strange look. “What’s up, Chica? Is something wrong?”

  “No,” I say instantly. “I’m fine.” Trying to put as much emphasis on the word fine to convince her. And maybe myself.

  Giving me a disbelieving look she shakes her head and motions towards the door, letting me go in first. I don’t wait for her to follow me, because I know she will, and head to the counter to place my order.

  “Hey, honey, how are ya doin today?” says the one barista. The Java House was owned by one of the little old lady’s husband’s. But he sold it to a younger girl. And then her brother bought the building next door and opened it up to the coffee house and made it an Amish furniture and gifts store, too. It really is a cute little place.

  “I’m good, how are you, Dody?”

  “I’m still here, so that’s a plus. What can I get for you and your friend today?”

  Before I can say anything Michelle jumps in and says, “I’m paying so don’t let her try.”

  Laughing, Dody just says okay. “Okay, well, I would like a Banana Split in a big cup with a blueberry muffin warmed up.”

  Dody writes all of that down and then looks up expectantly at Michelle. “I would like a Triple White Out frappe and cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted with cream cheese on the side, please.”

  “Sure thing, if you ladies want to have a seat I can bring it out to you when everything is ready.” We say our thanks and make our way back up to the front of the store, and sit down at a high top table.

  “So, I see you went all out in dressing up to meet me today.” Michelle doesn’t waste any time in laying into me.

  I glance down at my clothes. I threw on black capri running pants, that I have pulled up high to contain the jiggle of my baby belly. An old band tee of Ben’s is the shirt I threw on. Pairing it with flip flops. I also didn’t do a damn thing with my hair; I got out of the shower and put it right up into a messy bun without bothering to wait for it to dry a little.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t feel the need to dress up since we were just coming here. It’s not like this is an expensive steakhouse or anything.” Even to myself I sound super defensive. And it’s not like me not taking time in my appearance is a bad thing, because she does it too. But, I think she can sense that I really don’t want to be here.

  Shaking her head. “It’s not only that. But, have you looked in the mirror recently? Have you done anything for yourself that didn’t include the kids or Ben since you had Kody?”

  What have I done since having Kody? I’ve moved back home, unpacked an entire house and put things away, cleaned the house, taken care of the kids, and taken care of Ben. Nowhere in there have I done anything for myself. Except get the tattoo. But I was kind of coerced into it. Just like I was coerced into coming to lunch today.

  “If it takes you this long to sit there and try to think of something you’ve done. Then you haven’t done anything. Chica, what is going on that you’re doing this to yourself? You’re starting to seclude yourself from me, and I’m sure if you continue it’ll leak onto Ben and the kids. You don’t want that. The person that’s sitting in front of me isn’t my friend. You’re letting her slip away. Don’t let her.”

  Before I get any chance to dispute what she says, Dody brings our food and drinks over. I get to work at peeling the liner off of my muffin and start breaking it apart. But my mind is racing. Is she right? Am I letting myself slip away? Becoming someone people aren’t even recognizing?

  “I’m fine, Michelle. I would know if something were off with me, wouldn’t I?”

  “I would hope you would be able to see what’s going on, but apparently I’m wrong. You forget I know you better than you know yourself.”

  Not wanting to listen to anymore of her nonsense, I change the subject. “How’s work?” I ask lamely.

  “It’s fine. Keeping me busy, which is good. They hired me a personal assistant. Apparently my work load is too much, they hired a cute little guy fresh out of college to assist me.” Michelle is an Event Planner in Columbus. She’s always been great at throwing and organizing parties. So it was kind of perfect that this just basically fell into her lap.

  Forcing myself to smile I ask, “Do you think it’s smart they hired you a guy?”

  Her eyes light up and she smiles. “I think it’s better to ask if I’m safe from him. This boy has done nothing but come onto me since the moment I met him. I’m exhausted trying to keep him away from me and busy with menial tasks.”

  From there she launches into everything Steven, her assistant, has done and other stuff she’s done since I last talked to her. Which occupies our time until it has been a safe amount of time to make up an excuse to be able to leave. Thank God. I don’t really want to listen to her anymore.

  Giving her another one armed hug, I take my stuff to the trashcan and then make my way back to my car. When I fall into the seat and shut the door behind me, I just lay my head down on the steering wheel, careful to not hit the center to honk the horn. I’m fucking exhausted from lunch. I feel like I should go home and take a nap.

  Pulling my head up from the steering wheel feels like a tremendous effort to force myself to move. Starting the car up, I sigh with the knowledge that I have to pick up my kids and go back to my house. At least at home the kids don’t judge me for what I wear or for wanting to be lazy.

  Pulling out of my space, I start in the direction of my mom’s house but decide to take a scenic route. To prolong having to pick them up, I drive roads I have never been down before.

  I roll down my windows to let the wind whip through my car. Enjoying the freeing feeling of the air, when my eye catches site of something off to one side of the road. I slow down before I can pass it. The sign says “Washington Park.” I pull in to check out this place.

  The first thing I see are picnic tables scattered to one side. Trails are leading away from the parking lot in various directions. Picking up my phone, I shoot my mom a quick text saying that I’m going to stop somewhere else first before coming to pick them up. Turning the car off and separating the key from my keychain, I shove it into my bra and get out.

  I pick the closest trail to the car and set off enjoying the absolute quiet of being out here. After walking for who knows how long, I come to an open area. A couple of picnic tables are set up here too. I walk over to one and sit down. Looking around I see there is a tiny little pond with water dripping down into it from a low rock covered hill beside it. I have a sudden image in my head of this looking more like a waterfall instead of what it looks like now.

  Only giving myself a few more minutes to enjoy this, I get up and head back towards my car. I really shouldn’t leave the kids alone with my mom for that long. Although she loves them, they’re definitely a handful.

  At least I found something I can do with myself if I ever need to just get out of the house. Mom can watch the kids and I can go hiking. Next time though I’ll have to wear better shoes.

  Back at home with the kids, Ben surprised me and came home from work early. He handed me a glass of wine and told me to relax, he would get the kids ready for bed. So I went out back and sat down on the porch, enjoying the bitter taste of the wine as it slid down my throat.

  All the while my mind on my newfound freedom. And when I can go back.

  I LOOK DOWN AT MY tennis shoes while I walk through the trail. I decided to try a different path this time. I’m wearing a sweatshirt, since it’s a little chilly today, and have my hands resting in the front pocket pouch. Just like the last time I was out here, I look around and take everything in.

  All the different plants, trees, and sounds. All of these paths must lead to some kind of open area. This particular open area has a little fire pit, with some chairs around it. Instead of both chairs being open, I can see the back of a guy’s head in one.

  I go to keep walking and enter a path from a different direction, but the guy calls out to me.

  “Hey, how are you?”
I turn around to be polite, and say hello back. But his striking features make me stop.

  His light brown hair is long and messy, he has bright blue eyes that stand out against his tan skin, and the smile on his face is mesmerizing. He probably gets away with murder using that thing.

  Before I completely look like an idiot I say hello. “Hi, I’m good. How are you?” I hope I don’t have a completely put out look on my face. I came out here for the peace and quiet, not to engage in conversation with random people.

  “I’m good. I don’t usually see anyone out here, not too many people know about this place,” mystery man tells me.

  “I just recently found it myself,” I reply simply. I walk closer to him. I seriously can’t get over how handsome he is. I’ve never met anyone that looks like him before.

  “Well, do you want to have a seat or are you going to keep walking? I’m Bronson Miller, by the way.” He stands up from his chair and walks towards me with his hand outstretched towards me.

  “I’m Lyla. I think I’m going to keep walking.” I don’t want to give him my last name, I’m not sure I want him being able to find me or creep on me.

  “If you don’t mind the company, I can walk with you.” I must get a look on my face because he laughs, and holy shit. I thought his smile was potent. That laugh is way worse. “Or I don’t have to. I just thought it might be nice to actually walk with someone. We don’t even have to talk. I promise.”

  I just stare at him. I don’t really know what to make of this guy. “Why on earth do you want to walk these trails with me?”

  “Sometimes having someone that shares your isolation, it makes your heart less heavy.” I’ve never heard such a complex sentence from anyone in my entire life. This guy wants to be alone too, but wants company. Which doesn’t make sense. But knowing someone else shares the same feelings does make my heart feel lighter.

  “All right, Bronson. Come on, let’s get moving. I don’t have much time out here before I’m going to have to head home.”

  He was just content to follow me around the paths for another hour, before I had to tell him I had to leave. A look crossed his face before he quickly disguised it. “When will you be back?”

  I answer him honestly, “I don’t know. It depends on when I can get away from the house for a while.”

  Nodding, he started walking backwards. “Okay, Lyla. Hopefully I have the pleasure of sharing your loneliness again.” And with that he turns and walks away. I’m left standing there watching his back.

  He is the strangest, most handsome guy I’ve ever met in my life.

  “KAY, SERIOUSLY? WHAT were you thinking?” I’m trying my hardest at keeping my “mom voice” going but I can’t. I’m just tired of it all. Everything is going wrong that can.

  “Mommy, I was just hungry. You weren’t getting up so I tried to make myself some cereal.” Her trying to make herself cereal resulted in her dumping the cereal all over the floor, and then spilling the milk. Instead of coming to get me to clean it up, she decided to just eat the cereal off the floor and put all the clothes she could find on the milk to soak it up.

  Fantastic. Just what I needed to wake up to.

  “But, even after you spilled everything, you didn’t think it would be good to come get me?” I ask as I’m down on my knees trying to collect all the clothes into a pile so I can take them to the washer.

  “I did try to wake you up, but you wouldn’t get up.” Her bottom lip is trembling, like she’s about to burst into tears at any moment.

  “I’m sorry, baby. Next time you need to try really hard to get me up, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy,” Kay tells me solemnly and nods.

  “Can you go to the living room and turn on the TV and watch one of your shows, please?” She nods and then bounces off.

  Man to be a kid again and have no worries would be really fantastic right about now. The only thing you really have to worry about is getting fed and taken care of. But, even with kids, if you don’t do one thing right they don’t know any different. And they forgive really easily.

  I gather all of the milk soaked clothes and run to the washer, trying not to make a mess with all of the dripping. Grabbing the vacuum, I suck up all the loose cereal that didn’t get eaten and then grab a bunch of paper towels.

  Trying to soak up the rest of the milk, my mind wonders back to the guy I met yesterday. He seemed like such a carefree guy, that didn’t have any responsibilities. How I wish my life was that simple now.

  After cleaning up all the milk and throwing away the paper towels, I grab a dishrag and wet it. I don’t want the floor to be a sticky mess later. A few minutes later and I’m pretty sure I have the mess completely cleaned up.

  I throw the rag back into the sink, but sit back against the cabinets. I’m exhausted even just having gotten up out of bed and not exerting a whole lot of energy. I just want to crawl back into bed. But today is grocery day. So I really need to get in the shower and get myself ready. Even though I really don’t want to.

  Finally dragging myself up from the floor, I walk into the living room, where I find my daughter sitting on the floor staring at the television. “Kay, Mommy is going to get in the shower.” She looks over at me, and nods. “I’m going to put Kody back in his crib.”

  I turn and head towards the stairs. I went and got Kody this morning from his crib, grabbed a bottle, and fed him while he was in bed with me. He was still sleeping when Kay got me up to come see the mess she made. Walking down the hallway to my room, I pass all these pictures of my kids and some of myself and Ben.

  I stop and stare at the picture in the biggest frame, it’s of Ben and me on our wedding day. The castle was the perfect backdrop for pictures. I couldn’t have asked for a better day. Everything was perfect.

  So why don’t I feel as if everything is perfect now?

  Turning away from the picture, I continue on my way to my bedroom and grab a sleeping Kody. Picking him up from my bed, I tuck him in close to my chest. With him wanting to crawl everywhere, I have to enjoy the times when he wants to nap because it’s the only time he lets me snuggle him.

  Walking back to my bedroom and into the en-suite bathroom, I turn the water on then start stripping. I look in the mirror when I’m completely naked, never liking what I look like anymore. Stretchmarks up to my boobs, the spare tire I’m carrying around my middle, and the overall exhausted look I have all the time.

  Finally disgusted looking at myself, I turn and step into the shower. Scalding hot water meets my back as I step directly into the spray. I’ve always loved hot showers, they can make every bad day better. Rinsing away everything. Almost makes you feel like you’re starting your day over.

  And I need that desperately today.

  Standing under the spray for just a few minutes, I finally pick up the soap and lather up my hands. Forgoing the washcloth. I raise my hands to my breasts, sliding my hands over and under them then follow the length of my arms. I pull my foot up and rest it on the edge of the tub, I start at my feet working my way up. Repeating the motions on the other leg.

  When I make it to the apex of my thighs, I gently slide my fingers over my lips. An involuntary gasp escapes my mouth. I slowly slip my two fingers in between my lips, causing me to shiver despite the heat from the water coursing down on me. After sliding them back and forth a few times, I bring my fingers back to my clit.

  I flick my fingers over the ball of nerves, eliciting a breathier moan. I close my eyes, imagining Ben is here. That it’s his hands bringing me to climax, instead of my own. That his head is between my thighs, doing that thing with his tongue that never fails to drive me crazy. It doesn’t take long for me to find my release, flinging me over that edge that has my knees all but giving out on me.

  The really sad thing about me getting myself off in the shower, is that those green eyes I love so much morphed into bright blue eyes. Making the guilt weigh heavy on my heart.

  I really need to figure out a way for me to find
the intimacy between us again. I can’t be imagining other guys while I’m getting off. It isn’t right.

  WHEN WE WERE AT the store Kay threw an epic temper tantrum. Screaming because I wouldn’t get her the toy she just had to have. I had Kody in the basket of the cart, strapped in so he couldn’t go anywhere. But Kay I allowed to walk next to the cart because she wanted to. And I didn’t want to argue with my toddler in the store.

  I had walked past one of the toy aisles and didn’t go down it to play when she requested. I tried to bribe her to walk past and get her to the checkout so I could buy her a candy bar. But no cigar.

  She threw her tiny body down and started screaming. Which, in turn, scared her brother so he started screaming. So I got down next to Kay and tried everything I could think of to reason with her. But she wasn’t having it. After five minutes of both kids screaming, I lost the very little grip I had on my emotions and started crying with them.

  One older lady happened to walk by, I’m sure she was over near us just to be nosy. She gave me such a look of pity before walking right on past us.

  I’ve never felt like a bad mom before, but the look on that woman’s face just did me in. I stood up, picked Kay up like a football and deposited her in the cart and let her scream in there. I tried to wipe my face off the best I could and then trudged up to the checkout lanes.

  Where every single person working a register wouldn’t look me in the eye or talk to me.

  Two hours later and a truly hellacious discussion with Kay on manners, I have dinner started and groceries put away. I’m making pot roast, it’s one of Ben’s favorites. I’m hoping I can seduce my husband it shouldn’t take too much. I’m sure if I just lay down in bed naked that would do the trick. But I want to romance him as well.

  I give the kids their baths before Ben is supposed to arrive home from the shop. Wanting everything to be ready to go in order to head to bed when dinner is done. I mean, it’ll be an early bed time for the kids and I won’t get much sleep since I don’t sleep well at night much anymore. But it’ll be worth it.