Playing My Love

by Angela Peach

  I didn't answer. Something told me this wasn't just a casual comment, despite his pleasant tone. Sure enough, he continued.

  "It's good to see you with her. She makes you smile" he said and I blushed, more confused than ever about his point.

  "You make me smile" I replied, and he nodded as if I'd confirmed something.

  "I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's good that you've found someone you like and can talk to here. So if you want to hang out with her or whatever, that's fine with me. I don't mind. I don't want you to think you have to spend all your time with me, okay?"

  "For god's sake Gray, I'm thirty six! She's got plenty of kids her own age to hang out with, I'm sure she's just being polite or something" I said, but even I was unconvinced of my own words.

  "Hmm. Okay." He shrugged and stood to wash up his cup.

  "What?"

  "Well, she just didn't seem like a kid to me, that's all. I thought she seemed very mature. Right, are you ready to go and collect your car?"

  He was right. She was very much a mature young adult who seemed kind, compassionate, funny and very interesting. I truly enjoyed every second of her company, but I didn't want to say any of this to him for some reason. Instead, on impulse I went over to him and put my arms around his waist, resting my head on his chest. I stayed there for a while, inhaling his aftershave and listening to his heartbeat. When the tears came I didn't hide them, or run off and pretend they weren't there. I just let them fall onto his shirt. He was losing weight more rapidly now, and I couldn't bear how his once lean, muscular frame was deteriorating. He held me close, stroking my hair.

  "Oh Gray, I don't want this! I don't want to be alone without you" I sobbed in an extremely rare moment of spontaneously sharing my feelings.

  "Ali, sweetheart" he soothed, burying his head in my hair. I was glad he didn't try and tell me everything was going to be okay, or that I was going to be fine. He just held me and let me cry.

  My tears fell for a long time, but I stayed in his arms longer. God, I used to feel so safe here, back when he was Doc and we had the rest of our lives ahead of us. Yes, I'd felt like I was in the arms of Superman! But now his embrace was only a stark reminder that I wasn't safe. That soon it was all going to be torn away from me and I'd be left alone, and there'd be no arms to wrap around me and make me feel safe then, because once Gray was gone there wouldn't be any safe place left for me to go to.

  Eventually I felt his arms loosen and he moved back to look at me. I sighed, keeping my eyes down.

  "Suppose I'd better go get cleaned up before we go" I mumbled, sniffing remnant snot up my nose.

  "Okay."

  In the bathroom, I splashed warm water on my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My dark blue eyes were puffy and red and my face was blotchy from all the tears. I splashed some more water, hoping to find some semblance to normal, but the blotches refused to subside. I couldn't be bothered to try and do a repair with make-up, so I just left the bathroom feeling more dejected than ever.

  I found Gray sitting of the edge of the sofa and staring into space. He looked so lost and scared that I felt the tears return in full force, but this time I choked them back down.

  "Right! Let's go shall we?" I said brightly, and he snapped alert, his handsome face transforming as he smiled.

  The drive into town was polite but strained. Even after all these years, Gray still didn't know how to react to my silences following tears, and rather than leave me to think it through, he seemed to feel a strong need to try and talk to me. I let him, because it made him feel better thinking he was helping.

  TWENTY NINE YEARS EARLIER

  I hated school and I hated all my friends. Especially Cathy Merryson, who at this very moment in time was sat opposite me with Holly Roper, laughing at me. Up until last week, Cathy had been my best friend. We'd done everything together, gone everywhere together. But then last week everything had changed. Last week my dad had left my mum to run off with Cathy's mum and now no one knew where they were or how to get hold of them, and Cathy hated me. Apparently, Cathy's dad had told her that it was all my dad's fault because he was a home wrecker and now she hated me and had told everyone not to talk to me anymore.

  Holly whispered something in Cathy's ear and they both looked over at me, giggling into their hands. My face burned just as the bell rang signalling it was the end of the lesson and I stood up quickly, anxious to get away from the pointing and staring.

  "Hey Alison, make sure your mum doesn't come near my dad. I don't want him running off with her" Holly said behind me. I spun round, furious.

  "Your dad smells and is too fat for my mum to even think about running off with" I spat at her, holding my chin up high. There were gasps from several people who'd overheard and before I knew it there was a crowd around us. Holly's face twisted.

  "Do you want to know the real reason why your dad left your mum? Cath's dad told her it was because she's got some dirty disease and he didn't want to catch it off her" she said in a loud spiteful voice. I stared at her for a second and a hush fell over our spectators as everyone waited for my reaction.

  I didn't disappoint.

  Swinging my satchel as hard as I could, I brought it round in a smooth arc which connected with her head perfectly. She went down to the floor and started crying hysterically.

  "Alison Humphreys! What on earth do you think you're doing?" came a shocked voice behind me. Aware of the important audience, Holly screamed louder. I scowled defiantly.

  "She deserved it, Miss. She said my mum was diseased."

  "Then you come and tell a teacher and you let us sort it out. You do not try and settle it yourself, especially by using violent or aggressive behaviour. Go to the headmaster's office now."

  As I walked away, I could hear Holly say that I was a liar and Cathy agreeing with her.

  When my mum stalked into the school an hour and a half later, I knew I was in big trouble. She gave me a cold look, and then went into Mr Evans' office for a chat. When they emerged fifteen minutes later, the only thing she would say to me was to 'get in the bloody car'.

  "Well, I hope you're happy? You've been suspended for three days to give you time to reflect and cool down. How could you do this to me, now of all times?" she said as we pulled out of the school grounds.

  "But mum, she was saying horrible things" I started to say.

  "I don't want to hear it, Alison! Don't you think I've got enough on my plate without having to deal with you as well?" she snapped. On top of my already frazzled emotions, it proved too much and I started to cry. She drove on for a couple of miles.

  "STOP YOUR BLOODY CRYING, ALISON, JUST STOP IT!" she screamed, making me jump with the ferocity of it. I did stop, staring at her in shock. She'd never raised her voice to me in such a way before. Without warning, she suddenly swerved into a car park and stopped the car. "Right now, I need complete peace and quiet. I don't want to have to deal with your snivelling, so you just hold onto it until we get home and then you can go to your room and cry as much as you want. The same goes for school. The next time someone upsets you, you just walk away and deal with it in private, do you understand? I will not be taking any more time off work to come and deal with your shit. Suspended! For aggressive behaviour of all things! I'm so disappointed I can't even bear to look at you right now."

  "Yes, mummy" I said quietly.

  We drove the rest of the way in silence, and when we got home, I went to my room and cried into my pillow.

  I never cried in front of my mother again.

  PRESENT DAY

  "It's okay, you don't have to wait for me. You go on home and I'll follow when it's done" I said to Gray through his window. My car wouldn't be ready for at least another quarter of an hour and I felt like I needed a bit of breathing space.

  Oh my god, I'm turning into my mother!

  I brushed the thought aside quickly.

  "Are you sure? I don't mind coming in with you?"

  "I'm sure. Go
on home and relax. You can make a start on dinner if you want?"

  Gray had been wanting to make a pheasant stew from scratch for a while now, and had hung one in the barn a few days ago (which luckily hadn't been taken by any of the wild animals during the evenings) and although I wasn't entirely sure if he was ready for skinning and gutting it, I was leaving him to it!

  "Okay. Should I follow the instructions on Youtube or just go with my manly hunter's instinct?" he asked and I stared at him, wondering how serious he was.

  "Uh, I'd go with Youtube darling. Just in case."

  He nodded in agreement, looking deep in thought before I kissed him goodbye. As I watched him go, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, feeling guilty even as I did. I'd only ever cried in front of Gray three times, today being one of those three. The first had been on our wedding day and they'd been tears of joy. The second had been when he told me he had the big C, and I think I only cried out of sheer shock, taken completely by surprise. And now for a reason that I wasn't yet willing to admit to myself.

  I was also thinking there was a strong possibility we'd be eating take away tonight.

  FOUR MONTHS AGO

  "Darling? Can you help me with the shopping? I'm afraid I got a little bit carried away! I only went in for some bread and olives, ended up spending nearly fifty pounds!" I called out as I struggled through the door to our apartment. His car was in our parking space downstairs so I knew he was home, although I couldn't recall him saying he was taking half a day off today.

  There was no answer so I dropped the most cumbersome of the bags and kicked the door shut. As I went through to the kitchen to start putting it all away, I saw him stood in the lounge looking out of the window at the bleak grey buildings opposite.

  "Hey Doc, how come you're home early?" I asked, ditching the shopping and going over to give him a hug. He didn't answer or move in response to my embrace. "Doc? What's going on? Is everything okay?"

  "Ali…" his voice was barely a hoarse whisper.

  "Jesus, darling, you're scaring me! What is it? Turn around and tell me what's wrong?"

  When he did turn around I wished he hadn't. His face was ashen and his eyes haunted.

  "Ali…you're going to need to sit down. I have something to tell you" he said robotically. I shook my head.

  "No. Just say it, whatever it is." I wasn't sure what I was expecting to come out of his mouth next. Maybe something along the lines of a friend had passed away, or that our bank had been compromised and we were penniless. There was a long pause.

  "I have cancer. They've given me less than a year."

  Nope. Was not expecting that!

  "What…hahaha…" I laughed nervously, sure I'd misheard. Doc sucked in a shaky breath and I saw he was about to cry as his eyes filled with tears. I involuntarily took a step back, swallowing thickly.

  "It's inoperable. I have cancer. Pancreatic cancer. I…"

  "Stop saying that! Why are you…no, there must be something…we should…" I couldn't breathe properly and my brain was malfunctioning where sentences were concerned.

  "I didn't want to worry you, so I went for the tests on my own. I thought…"

  "No. No, no, no. No!"

  "Yes. I'm sorry darling. I'm so sorry! I…"

  I watched in horror as Doc, always so strong and dependable, suddenly crumbled before my very eyes. Sobs wracked him as he fell onto me, his arms around my shoulders pulling me into him as he buried his face in my hair. I didn't know what to do, what to say. But I held him as my eyes released a torrent of tears that seemed to fall for a long, long time.

  By the time I found the shopping the next day, the frozen food had all melted by the front door.

  I just stepped calmly over it.

  PRESENT DAY

  I crouched down and peered through the window of the jeep that had caught my attention from inside the showroom. It looked nice, and seemed far more practical than my gas guzzling BMW that was still being fixed. Plus the engine was half the size, so it would be more economical as well.

  As I stepped back to view it from the front, the car next to it caught my eye. It was a tidy little black Vauxhall Astra and three letters on the number plate were BLE.

  "Billy" I muttered to myself, amused. I looked back to the jeep, deep in thought. Impulsively, I hurried back into the showroom.

  "Excuse me, I'm interested in doing a part exchange on that jeep" I said quickly. The salesman's eyes lit up.

  "For your BMW? I'm sure we can work something out!"

  "Great! And I want to know how much of a deal you'll give me on the Astra next to it as well."

  His smile widened and he sent the receptionist to get me a coffee while he spent the next fifteen minutes buttering me up and sorting out various bits of paperwork.

  I texted Darcy, asking for her address and date of birth, and if she had a spare half hour free this afternoon. She sent me back the relevant details, asking me curiously why I needed them, but saying she was free until three. That gave me less than two hours. I told her I was coming over and that I'd be there in ten minutes.

  It happened fast enough that I couldn't change my mind.

  When I pulled up outside her flat in Billy, my heart was pounding. All of a sudden, my impulsive purchase seemed insanely extravagant and ridiculous. I barely knew the girl! What if I was about to royally offend her? I watched as she hurried out smiling, and I got out to greet her, giving her a nervous hug.

  "Hey, City Girl! What's with the down grade?" she asked happily.

  "Do you like it?" I asked, having second thoughts.

  "It's gorgeous! Hey!" She laughed, pointing at the number plate. "Billy!"

  "That's what I thought! So, um, do you want to take him for a spin with me?"

  "Yeah, sure."

  "Great! You drive" I said, hopping in the passenger door before she could object. She hesitated a moment, then jumped in behind the wheel and put her seatbelt on.

  "Alison, are you sure?" she asked, but before I could reassure her, she turned the ignition on and put it in gear, grinning at me. "Too late!"

  I smiled, then gave her directions to the garage, saying I'd left my bag there.

  "Oh my god, this car drives so nice, it's like sex" she said after about a mile. I laughed.

  "Sex? Maybe I've been doing it wrong?"

  "Maybe you have" she said, winking at me. I was glad she was driving because there could easily have been another accident. I sat on my hands, just to make sure they didn't go anywhere near her sensitive knees, and then I cleared my throat.

  "So what did the insurance company say?"

  "You won't believe this! Nicki took me out there this morning to get my stereo and stuff out of it, and it wasn't there! There was a note on the tree saying it had been towed away by some farmer who claimed I'd crashed it on his private land or something. He wants two hundred and fifty pounds because I apparently damaged the fence, and he's holding the car as collateral until I pay up. Can you believe the cheek of it?"

  "Is he allowed to do that?" I asked, incredulously.

  "I have no idea. Probably. There's so many laws regarding private land, and I did leave it in his field. And I did destroy his fence" she added with a smirk.

  "What are you going to do?"

  "Well, even if I had the money to get it back, I'd still need to get him fixed. But" she paused as she checked the way was clear at a roundabout, and didn't continue until we'd gone across it. "There's this guy at college who's doing a mechanics course. He said he'll fix him for free."

  "Really? That's great!" I said, my heart pounding. She sounded like she'd been trying to sort out getting her old car back, and it suddenly occurred to me that there might be some deep sentimental value attached to it. We were approaching the garage now, and I wondered if it was too late to reverse the deal or something?

  "Mm-hm. All I have to do is have sex with him. I mean, he's not really my type, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do and just take one for the team,
right?" She pulled in and parked up, turning to face me. Her eyes were twinkling until she saw the envelope I was holding out to her and she took it, looking puzzled. "What's this?"

  "Please, open it. It's for you" I said quickly, and looked away as she took it from me and tore it open. There was a pause.

  "I don't understand? It's the log book for this car? Why are you…holy shit! It's in my name? Alison, why is Billy registered in my name?"

  "I…please, just don't have sex with that mechanic?"

  "What? Oh my god, I was just fucking with you! I can't accept this! Jeans and a top is one thing…"

  "It's not a gift!" I interrupted. "It's a down payment. I want guitar lessons in exchange."

  "For the rest of your life?" she asked incredulously. I blushed, embarrassed (but relieved about the mechanic.) This wasn't going well. In fact, I couldn't tell if she was angry or just overwhelmed.

  "I was thinking two or three lessons a week for about a year? If they were ten pounds per lesson, it would more than pay off what Billy cost, and I got him as part exchange with that jeep for my BMW, so it's not like I had to pay anything out for it." I sighed and looked out of the windscreen. "Look, I obviously can't force this on you, but I genuinely want guitar lessons, and you need a car. I guess I just figured we were both in a win-win this way. But it's up to you."

  Darcy glanced around the interior of the car, weighing things up before she met my gaze with her own, then she nodded slowly.

  "I'd be an idiot to say no to that. Okay, City Girl, you got yourself a deal!" she said, holding out her hand. I shook it.

  "Phew. Cos it's sort of already in your name and everything" I said smiling, just as I noticed Phil the salesman approaching the car. I wound down the window.

  "Hey, glad I caught you. We found the spare set of keys for this car" he said happily, passing them through the window. I took them and held them out to Darcy.

  "They're yours now" I said.

  "You're very lucky to have such a generous sister" Phil beamed, obviously happy with his commission for today.