Playing My Love

by Angela Peach

  Once we were seated and I was driving away, Darcy turned her head and stared out of the window. I wasn't offended. I knew she was crying. I drove a few miles, then pulled into a layby and took a pack of tissues from my bag, passing one over to her, touching her gently on the shoulder to get her attention. She looked at my hand in surprise, her face streaked with tears, before taking the proffered tissue.

  "I'm going to break her heart. I mean, I will literally destroy her world" she said softly. "I don't know what I'm going to say to her? I don't know what…what…" her face crumpled as a fresh wave of tears came. I pulled her close, holding her head on my shoulder. I couldn't say anything. What could I possibly say? It was clear that Darcy still loved Sam very deeply, and I respected that. It showed a great strength of her character that she still held her in her heart with such loyalty. I felt humbled. She must care for me a great deal to have chosen to stay, and I recognised this was an incredible risk on her part, considering.

  After a while, she pulled away and asked me to drive her back home. Before I did, I kissed her on the lips, tenderly. This was different to the platform kiss. It was a kiss meant to reassure, to comfort. Even so, I still had to struggle to pull away, finding the warmth of her mouth and tongue easy and addictive.

  "Thank you" she whispered, smiling sadly.

  We spoke no more on the way back to her flat, and after I'd parked up, I walked her inside. Darcy silenced Nicki's excited screams with a single look, saying she was going to her room. Nicki took one look at us and said she was going out for booze, and I hoped it was for consoling, not a welcome home party.

  I followed Darcy to her room where she wearily dropped her bag just inside the door, then lay on her bed in a foetal position. My heart went out to her, especially since I was ultimately the cause for her pain. If I'd been honest with her last night, she wouldn't be in this position of having to change her plans and hurt Sam. On impulse, I went over to her and lay behind her on the bed. Wrapping my arms and legs around hers, I comforted her as she gently cried into the pillow. With my face buried in her silken hair, I knew. I knew I'd made the right decision, and I just hoped she knew that in the long run too. We fit together perfectly, in every way.

  After a while, she rolled over and whispered for me to do the same. I complied, feeling my heart skip a beat as her body enveloped mine. Her hand sought mine and entwined our fingers, and I could feel her warm breath on the back of my neck. In the silence of her room, I found something I'd been missing for a long time.

  I found peace.

  Please, don't think badly of me. I can't explain it in any other way than this. When I lay in Gray's arms at night, I felt anxious, sad, hopeless. Knowing he was dying seemed to take the comfort out of his embrace and most nights I preferred to roll out of his arms. With Darcy, I felt not only comforted, but safe. It felt so right, I could have sobbed had I not felt so at peace in myself.

  However, I knew what we were both doing. We were hiding from what we had to face individually. For me, I was hiding from returning home to Gray and the knowledge he was dying. Darcy was hiding from having to break Sam's heart by telling her she wasn't coming. So we held each other tight, cocooning ourselves for as long as possible in the safety of each other's arms.

  I hadn't realised that I'd drifted off. I wondered if Darcy had fallen asleep too, but didn't want to do or say anything to rouse her if she had. I was on my back and had her body across mine, her face buried in my hair and neck. Slowly, I slid my hand up her back until I reached her hair, then I brushed my fingertips through it, softly grazing her scalp as I did. I repeated this motion, gently massaging her head and tugging gently on her hair, letting it fall through my fingers in a silky wave. This was something I myself loved, as I found it soothing and relaxing, but I found it just as therapeutic being on the giving end of it. She sighed deeply and slightly snuggled into me more. But after a while, she moved her hand to find my other arm, and as she trailed her fingertips down it I thought she intended to hold my hand. Instead, she lightly (and I mean lightly) ran her fingertips slowly up and down my bare arm in such a way that made my entire body go still, and every hair stand to attention.

  The intimacy of what we were doing was so intensely beautiful that later, when I told Jazz about how the relationship between Darcy and I had progressed, I kept this moment to myself. This was our private moment, our special moment, and in the later days I remembered it often.

  Eventually though, we both recognised that our moment had to come to an end, for now anyway. Darcy made the first move, bringing her head up so it was next to mine on the pillow.

  "I have no idea what the time is" she said, sadly. Her voice was husky from crying. I swallowed. We both knew that once I left the room, things would have to return to how they had been before, before the kiss. Before this. From the sadness in her eyes, she knew this too. I cleared my throat.

  "It can't be too late. It's still light outside."

  "I have to call her, Alison. I can't put it off any longer. She's waiting for me."

  I sighed.

  "I know."

  We locked eyes, holding the moment for as long as possible. In that look, it seemed we both knew. We were meant to be together.

  "I love you" she said, softly and simply. "Please, don't say it back? Not until I'm the only one you're saying it to."

  I swallowed, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest with joy. I wanted to say the words back, shout them from the rooftops for all to hear! But I understood her reasons, and held back. She leaned forward and pressed her lips gently to mine. It was tender and loving…and the last kiss we would be sharing for the foreseeable future. When she pulled away, she wiped her face with her hands, then sat up on the edge of her bed. I moved myself to an upright position.

  "Daneka? If you want to call me later, just to talk or anything, I'll have my phone on, no matter what the time."

  With her back to me, she nodded, staring down at the floor. I wanted to hug her again, but knew that was a bad idea. It was time for us both to face the music.

  "I'll, um…I'll let you know about our lessons, if that's okay?"

  "Of course. I'll just keep up with my practicing." I stood, my joints feeling stiff. I wasn't sure if I should hug her goodbye or just leave. Thankfully she stood as well and came over to kiss me chastely on the cheek.

  "I'll see you soon."

  "Take care."

  With extreme reluctance, I left her room. My guitar was in the lounge, so I went to collect it, hoping Nicki wouldn't be in there. She was, of course, and looked up in surprise when I walked in, one of her hands suspended halfway to her mouth with crisps.

  "I thought you'd left!" she said, through a mouthful of mulched potato.

  "We've just been talking. A lot" I replied, going red. I picked up my guitar. "Nicki? Look after her? She's going to need it over the next few weeks."

  She nodded, giving me a curious look before I said my goodbye and left. It wasn't until I was in the car that I saw the time.

  Half past seven? Shit!

  By the time I got home, Gray was watching some singing show with spinning chairs as a gimmick.

  "Hey! I wondered where you'd got to! Is everything okay baby?" he asked, standing and coming straight over to me. I guiltily stepped away from him.

  "I'm fine! I'm sorry I didn't call. Things were just a bit hectic and my battery died." I sat on the sofa, unable to look him in the eye.

  "So? What was the big emergency?"

  "Mm? Oh, Darcy. She was going to go to the states to get back with her ex. I didn't want her to mess up her final exam by doing anything rash."

  "And? What happened?"

  "I managed to talk to her out of it." I pretended to watch the television while he watched me.

  "I don't get it. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

  "It's a good thing. Have you eaten yet?"

  "No, not yet. If it's a good thing, why do you look so upset?"

  "I'm fine! It's just been a
long day. What do you fancy for dinner?"

  "Cheese on toast? So what was so wrong with her going to get back with her ex?"

  "Mm, cheese on toast sounds nice. It would have been for all the wrong reasons, that's all. They split up because of a lot of issues, and none of them had been resolved. Do you want Worcester sauce on yours?"

  "Absolutely, one hundred per cent yes! I haven’t had Worcester sauce on cheese on toast for ages! Well, I'm glad she stayed. For your sake" he added quietly on the end.

  "I know, she's the only friend I've got round here. I don't know what I'd do without her. How many slices do you want?"

  "Just one please. She's a great girl! Whoever does end up bagging her will be one very lucky lady!" Without waiting for an answer, he stood up. "Just going to the loo."

  I watched his back as he walked from the room. Something about the way he'd said that last comment about 'whoever bagged' Darcy puzzled me. It was almost as if he knew what had happened and what I'd been planning. I wracked my brain, trying to work out if I'd given any kind of indication as to how I felt about Darcy when around Gray. As far as I was aware, Gray knew nothing more than that we were just very good friends. I decided the comment had only been meant as it sounded, and that it hadn't been directed at me.

  A couple of hours later, we both went to bed. Gray turned his back on me and I rolled over to face the other way. I lay awake for a long while, thinking. I didn't feel guilty about kissing Darcy in the slightest, but I did feel guilty for wishing I were next to her in bed.

  13

  And All That Jazz

  "You what?"

  "I kissed her."

  There was a stony silence down the phone.

  "Are you out of your fucking mind? What the fuck, Ali? How drunk were you? Did she get you drunk on tequila? Did she take advantage of you?"

  "What? No! Jazz, stop it! I wasn't drunk, and if you'd been listening, you would've heard me say I kissed her."

  "Of course I heard you, I'm not ignorant! So what did Doc say?"

  I sighed. This wasn't going how I'd planned it at all. I'd expected her to be a bit confused, but supportive at the same time, and maybe with a few questions. I certainly hadn't expected her to be royally pissed off, and even verging on coldly furious!

  "I haven't told Doc…Gray."

  In the background I heard someone greet Jazz as she stalked past them. She either didn't reply, or she acknowledged them in a way I couldn't hear. Judging from her current mood, I assumed the former was the case.

  "What is wrong with you? I mean, seriously…What? Does it look like I'm fucking talking to you? Get the fuck out of my way, dickwad!" She barked at some poor unlucky soul who'd crossed her path. I cringed. She was never like this unless she was under an extreme amount of pressure, but she'd never lost her rag at me before. I remembered her mentioning that she was working on a particularly harrowing case right now, and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt about her behaviour. However, I also wasn't in the mood to be taking the brunt of her mood, not with everything I had on my plate.

  "You want to know what's wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me, Jazz. I can't explain it, but Darcy and I have a very strong, powerful connection…"

  "Trains and planes have connections, darling, you have a husband who's fucking dying of cancer while you're lopping off with some silly student who's crushing on you and fucking with your head and emotions!"

  I sucked in a sharp breath.

  "How dare you! You know nothing about what I'm going through" I hi

  ssed, hearing my voice shake. "For the record, I'm well aware that my husband is dying, but I am not lopping off…in fact" my voice rose in my temper, "I'm not going to sit and listen to you talk about Darcy like that! She's been like a rock to me, and if you want to know the truth, Jasmine? I think I'm in love with her!"

  "Don't be so fucking ridiculous!"

  "And anyway, it has nothing to do with you whatsoever! It's none of your business what I get up to! You have no right to judge me! Oh, do you know what? Fuck you!" I hung up, breathing heavily. How had it escalated into such a row? Why was she being so bloody unreasonable? The phone rang in my hand. I saw it was Jazz and ignored it before turning it off altogether.

  I stood up and paced the shed angrily, not quite knowing what to do with myself. My eyes fell on my guitar.

  "Angry song, angry song" I muttered to myself as I rummaged through the sheet music Darcy had printed off for me. Unable to find something suitably angry, I went back into the house.

  "Gray? If anyone other than Darcy calls, I'm not here. No matter what the situation, or message…and especially if it's Jazz."

  Gray looked up from his laptop in surprise.

  "Er…okay? What have you both been fighting about now?"

  "Her narrow minded bigotry" I said, borrowing Darcy's old insult. Then I grabbed my laptop and lead before stalking back out to my shed. Gray let me go, recognising when to leave me be.

  I searched through the songs in my library, finally settling on a Skunk Anansie song called Twisted. It seemed within my range of skills and was angry enough for my mood, and if I got it wrong I could just sing the song to vent! I pursed my lips and got stuck in.

  How dare she?

  Although I didn't see Darcy for two weeks following our kiss, we spoke on the phone almost every day. Apparently, Sam had taken the news very badly and had begged her for just one chance to give their relationship another go. Darcy didn't go into too much detail, but I could tell she was emotionally drained from dealing with it all, especially just before her final exam. As a result of this she had absolutely no idea how it had gone, and just resigned herself to whatever will be, will be, rather than dwell on it too much.

  Jazz tried calling several times asking me to call her back, but I ignored all her messages. Gray also tried to get me to call her, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk to her yet.

  So for two weeks I ached desperately for Darcy's company, but instead immersed myself in other tasks that needed doing. I gardened, did some work on renovating the barn (and during one crazy moment, I found myself leaping from the top level onto the hay below! I screamed as I fell, and screamed when I landed, because as Darcy had predicted, it actually did hurt!) I baked a lot of cakes (meant to be muffins, but they didn't rise so I pretended they were cakes!) and of course played my guitar. Even if I said so myself, my playing was improving in leaps and bounds and I looked forward to showing Darcy how far I'd progressed.

  It was a beautiful warm sunny day in the first week of July when her name flashed up on my mobile and I snatched it up excitedly.

  "Hey, stranger!" I gushed happily

  "Hey, City Girl, how are you?"

  "I'm good! Enjoying the sunshine in my hammock! What're you up to?" I didn't ask her how she was, knowing how much she hated the question.

  "Nothing actually. I was sort of wondering if you wanted to meet up? We could have a lesson, or just go for a coffee?"

  "Make it an ice lolly and it's a date!" I said, then cringed at my choice of words.

  "Great! Is now a good time?"

  "Never been a better time than right now!"

  "Okay! Have you seen the beaches round here yet, cos if not, I can take you on a tour of the best private ones?"

  "Sounds amazing! I'll be there in about forty five minutes!"

  I struggled out of the hammock, a big cheesy grin on my face. Gray was in his study, typing.

  "Honey? I'm just going to see Darcy. I'll probably be a few hours, if that's okay with you?"

  "Stay out as long as you like. I'm going to take a nap in a bit anyway, so you might as well have dinner with her while you're out and make the most of the day."

  "Only if you're sure?"

  "Absolutely."

  I leaned down and kissed his cheek. But then, as I turned to leave, he caught my arm and stopped me. Then he stood and gave me a long lingering kiss on the lips.

  "What was that for?" I asked smiling.
/>   "Jazz told me to give you a nice big fat juicy kiss on the lips and to tell you she's really sorry, and please forgive her?"

  The smile froze on my face. Was that supposed to be funny? Her idea of a joke regarding my kissing Darcy?

  "I told you I didn't want any of her messages" I said, yanking myself out of his arms. "I'll see you later."

  By the time I got to my jeep, I was completely incensed by her insensitivity. I was still furious with her, even two weeks down the line. Every time I remembered the way she'd spoken to me, it set me off all over again. No, I'd call her when I was ready, and not a moment before.

  It didn't take long for my mood to pick back up as I drove to Darcy's, and I found a good radio station playing a mix of nineties anthems that were fun to sing along to. When I arrived, I forced myself to walk at a normal pace to her front door, despite the urge to run! I felt ridiculously giddy. But when she answered the door in a cute little mini skirt and tight white t shirt, I suddenly came over shy.

  "Hi."

  "Hi."

  We stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, obviously both wondering how to properly greet each other after the way we'd left things. Then I stepped forward and gave her a warm hug and the awkwardness melted away.

  "It's so good to see you! I missed you!"

  "I missed you too! You're looking really well! Slumming it in a hammock looks like it's doing wonders for you!"

  "I've kept myself busy, actually! The barn is nearly up to scratch, and I've dug up the whole garden!"

  "I thought you were going to leave the garden because you couldn't tell the difference between weeds and plants?" Darcy asked, leading me through to the kitchen

  "Yes! That's why I've dug up the whole garden! Thought it might be best to start afresh with it. I brought cake with me, if you want some?"