Surviving Slater

by Regan Ure

  "Hi," I said, trying to keep my voice calm, unlike the disaster I felt like inside. A tornado had spun through me, leaving nothing in its place.

  "It's nice to meet you," she said with a genuine smile. It made me feel worse. I nodded my head and fixed a smile on my lips. Levi looked at me and wrapped an arm around me. Was I that obvious that he felt I needed his support?

  My eyes met Slater's across everyone. There was nothing as he nodded to me. It was the confirmation of what I had already suspected. We were done. He'd already moved on.

  "Well, we're all here," Taylor said, looking around. There was tension in the room and I had no way of dispelling it. "You can help me in the kitchen."

  She took hold of my hand and dragged me to the kitchen.

  Once inside, the door swung closed.

  "What the hell is going on?" she whispered, pointing a finger toward the door that led to the living room where I had abandoned my roommate with everyone else who probably thought he was more.

  If Levi didn't give that information away I wasn't going to explain. They could think what they wanted.

  I gripped the counter as I tried to recover from the hit straight to my heart.

  "He just showed up with someone else… and then you brought Levi?" She looked at me as she waited for me to say something. "I thought you guys had an arrangement?"

  I swallowed hard, trying to figure out what to say to explain it without having to go into the details of what had happened.

  "It's over."

  She gave me that familiar sympathetic look before she hugged me.

  "I'm sorry," she whispered. I allowed her to hold me for a minute before I pulled away.

  "It's okay. There was always an expiration date on it." I gave her my bravest smile. I looked down at my watch. Just twenty minutes and I could take a tablet that would make me unable to feel the agony.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I helped Taylor get everyone drinks. I took a long and deep gulp of mine, hoping the alcohol would give me the courage to face Slater and his date.

  Taylor watched me gulp half the drink down, and I winced.

  "Why don't I cancel the night out?" she offered. I shook my head.

  I couldn't let that happen. It would be too obvious and I at least wanted to walk away from this night with my dignity still intact.

  "Give me a few minutes and I'll be fine."

  She looked unconvinced but headed out of the kitchen to serve some of the drinks.

  When I heard someone enter, I turned to see Levi.

  "So," he said, walking to me, "that's the asshole."

  I wanted to lie but he could see the truth.

  "He really pulled a number on you, didn't he?"

  I looked down to the glass I gripped, trying to avoid answering his question.

  "Is that why you invited me?" he asked.

  "He and I were complicated. And now we're nothing," I assured him. I felt guilty—he was right. I had brought him with me in case Slater was here tonight. I had no way of knowing that he would bring someone else, though. "I invited you so I could have a fun evening out with a good friend."

  My words obviously worked because he grinned at me. "I will try my best."

  It made my lips tip upward in a smile.

  "You ready to face him?" he asked. I nodded before I took another gulp. "If you keep that up I'll be carrying you home."

  "Sorry," I replied. "I need some courage."

  "Come on." He extended his hand to me and I put mine into his.

  Someone was laughing when we walked back into the living room. It sounded like a girl and it definitely wasn't Taylor. I knew nothing about Cathy but I disliked her already. It wasn't her fault, it had nothing to do with her, but I was jealous. It wasn't an emotion I was used to.

  I sat in the chair across from Slater and Cathy. Levi propped himself on the armchair beside me. It was the intimate action of a couple, which we weren't. I saw a raised eyebrow from Taylor but I ignored it.

  I tried my best to keep my eyes fixed away from Slater but it was impossible to fight the urge to sneak in a look.

  He was sitting beside Cathy on the two-seater. Every now and then her hand brushed his thigh and I felt the possession I struggled with. I had to remind myself he had never belonged to me. He'd only shared his body, nothing more.

  That only amplified my hurt. I looked down at my watch and realized I could take my medication. I knew I shouldn't take it with alcohol but I promised myself I would keep my alcohol intake down.

  I stood up and went to the bathroom. After closing the door, I rifled through my bag. I found the bottle and opened it. For a moment I studied my reflection in the mirror, before I swallowed the pill with some water I drank from the tap.

  Feeling relief that my emotions would be desensitized soon, I checked my makeup.

  There was a knock. "Let me in." It was Taylor.

  I opened the door and she entered.

  "You okay?" she asked. Her eyes found my bottle of medication.

  "What's this?" she asked, picking it up.

  Busted. I tried to think of a way to explain the pills without blowing it out of proportion. When I failed to answer her question right away, she frowned.

  "Why are you taking these?" Her eyes were alarmed as she held the bottle.

  "Things have been stressful lately." I shrugged. Revealing my childhood demons wasn't going to happen.

  "Why didn't you say anything?" she asked, looking a little hurt.

  "You've had your own stuff to deal with." She'd been through hell and was still trying to recover.

  "You can talk to me anytime," she said, handing me the bottle back. "No matter what I have on my plate I always have space for you."

  Her words made me tear up and we hugged.

  "Sin's going to come looking for you if we stay here too long." She nodded, knowing I was right, before she released me.

  "Next time you need someone, you call me," she insisted.

  "I will."

  I checked my makeup one last time before I left the bathroom, following Taylor back to the living room.

  I smiled at Levi as I sat down. His hand touched my back and I felt reassured by the action. The medication kicked in and I didn't feel like I was trying to suppress a flood of emotion I couldn't stop.

  For the first time I could look at Slater and not feel like the air was sucked out of my lungs and there was no pain in my chest. Cathy laughed. Slater's gaze met mine. This time I could show him the same indifference he'd shown me and I felt like I would be able to walk away from the evening not feeling shattered.

  Tomorrow, when my pills wore off, I could fall apart. Cathy smiled at me and I smiled back with more ease than before.

  When we left Sin and Taylor's place, I allowed Levi to lead the way to his car with his hand holding mine.

  "How're you doing?" he asked as he backed out of the driveway.

  "I've been better," I admitted, unable to stop myself from watching Slater open the door for his date.

  I didn't know what hurt more: the fact that he clearly looked like they were on a date, or that all I had ever been was a satisfying screw.

  "So what happened between the two of you?" he asked.

  I studied him for a while before I said, "I wanted more than he could give."

  My words surprised me. I gave a hollow laugh. Look at how it had ended up for me.

  When we pulled up outside the party, the music was blaring. It made me want to dance. I don't know if it was the medication or alcohol or the combination of the two but for the first time that evening I felt lighter.

  "You okay?" Levi asked as he led me into the party with his arm around my waist.

  I nodded as I beamed at him, my emotions feeling lighter.

  He smiled, shaking his head slightly. "I think you need to slow down on the drinking."

  I didn't answer; instead, I leaned my head against his arm.

  When we entered the room, I caught Slater looking back at u
s. It was only for a few seconds but before I could read his expression he looked away and back to his date.

  Had I imagined it? I refused to analyze every look from him. His actions spoke volumes and that was what counted.

  Inside the party, I dragged Levi onto the dance floor. He was usually shy but he stayed with me. I lifted my arms into the air and swung my hips in rhythm with the beat of the song. Levi danced beside me, keeping his hand loosely on my hip. I turned to face him and grinned at him.

  Taylor and Sin danced beside us. And as I turned to face Taylor, Cathy joined us. I tried to be as friendly as I could so I didn't show my true feelings. It didn't help that she was beautiful, and I felt frumpy beside her. It only deflated my confidence.

  It also didn't help when Slater stood behind her. I promised myself I would only stay for an hour or two and then I would go home.

  "You want something to drink?" Sin asked.

  I nodded. Just one drink. Taylor watched me with concern, but I refused to acknowledge it.

  I was hyperaware of Slater and every movement he made beside Cathy so I was relieved when he left with Sin to get drinks.

  One drink later and I knew I had hit my limit. I was feeling floaty and slow. If I had any more to drink I would do something really stupid.

  "I'm tired," I told Levi.

  "Let's go home," he said. I hugged Taylor and promised I would call her the next day.

  I said goodbye to Cathy and gave Slater a slight inclination of my head in his direction. He looked at me but I refused to make eye contact. Levi said goodbye before he helped me to the car and drove me home.

  * * *

  It was only when I woke up that the events of the previous night hit me. It was the same feeling as when I had first walked in and saw Slater with Cathy.

  I turned over in my bed and hugged my pillow, trying to deal with the emotions I had managed to block out. I felt inadequate and there was a loss of something I wasn't sure I had even had.

  My head felt a bit fuzzy but at least I wasn't suffering from a hangover.

  I didn't want to think about last night or analyze Slater's interaction with his date, but I was powerless to stop my mind. Frustrated, I got up to try and distract myself.

  My bottle of pills was beside my bed. I resisted the urge to take them, knowing I couldn't rely solely on them to help me cope. I didn't want to become dependent on them.

  I took a deep breath and released it before I left my room to see if Levi was up.

  The smell of something cooking led me to the kitchen. Levi, dressed in only a pair of jeans, was busy with making something on the stove.

  "I thought you didn't cook?" I said. He turned to me.

  "I'm attempting to cook breakfast," he said with a teasing smile.

  "Then let me help you. I don't want you to burn the kitchen down," I said, imagining trying to explain that to Connor. I took the spatula out of his hand and took over the eggs he was trying to fry.

  Levi leaned against the counter. He was hot, and any normal red-blooded woman would feel attracted to him, but I didn't. There was only one bad boy who tilted my world with the slightest touch. I clenched my teeth to ride the familiar pain when I thought of how easily he had discarded me and moved on with someone else.

  Would it have made me feel any better if she hadn't been so pretty? Probably not. No matter what she looked like, she had what I wanted.

  "You okay?" he asked, and I flipped the eggs.

  I gave him a smile and nodded my head.

  "No hangover?" he asked.

  "Nope."

  He frowned. "You seemed pretty out of it last night." His eyes held mine, like they were trying to read what was unspoken.

  I shrugged. I couldn't explain it without revealing I was taking medication, and I didn't want to do that.

  "My threshold for alcohol is low," I lied. It was easier.

  "I need plates," I instructed him when the eggs were ready. I pointed to the cupboard and he got two plates, putting them side by side.

  Just as I scooped the eggs onto the plates, there was a knock at the door.

  "You expecting someone?" Levi asked, and I shook my head.

  "I'll get it," he said, leaving me in the kitchen.

  I turned off the stove.

  "You're looking for Jordan?" I heard Levi say, and I frowned as I tried to figure out who it was.

  "Yes." The voice was tight and unfriendly. I stopped. I knew that voice.

  "Come in," Levi said. I had the urge to run and hide but there wasn't time.

  Slater was silent when he followed Levi into the kitchen.

  "I'll be in my room," Levi said to me before he left us, giving us privacy.

  Fighting to control my response to him, I crossed my arms and pinned him with a look that told him he wasn't welcome.

  "I see you have a new roommate," he said. He had the nerve to look annoyed by it.

  "What do you want?" I asked, getting straight to the point. There was no need for pleasantries. He had hurt me, he didn't just to waltz in here and pretend everything was fine between us, because it wasn't.

  "I wanted to check on you."

  I frowned. "Really?"

  He shrugged. It hurt to see him, like a physical ache in the middle of my chest. It made me wish I had taken my medication after all.

  "Why?" He hadn't cared the night before. What had changed?

  "Does it matter?" He raised the eyebrow with the piercing.

  Did it? No.

  "I'm fine." I held his gaze, willing myself not to falter under his intense look.

  "Taylor is worried about you. She mentioned it to Sin."

  Just when I didn't think it could get any worse. He wasn't here because he was concerned about me. I folded my arms, needing to protect myself. He hadn't mentioned anything about the pills Taylor had seen me take, so I hoped she had kept it to herself.

  "I'm fine," I repeated, hoping it would be enough for him to leave.

  He studied me for a moment.

  "Does this have something to do with the other night?" he asked.

  He'd hit the nail on the head but I couldn't let him know that. I didn't want a feeling of responsibility to keep him here. If I revealed the truth he might feel obligated to me, and that was the last thing I wanted.

  "No." The lie rolled off my tongue effortlessly.

  "I don't believe you."

  "Why are you really here?" I asked, taking a step closer. I hoped by confronting him I could get him to back off and leave. "You're here because you feel guilty. You've pulled some shitty moves and you're trying to make amends."

  "I never promised more than what I gave." He was right but it hadn't stopped me from developing deeper feelings for him. The pain in my chest worsened.

  "You're right. You didn't do anything wrong," I said, desperately trying to sound serious to get him to go. "You can leave."

  But he didn't make any attempt to leave.

  "I'm done with this conversation." I walked past him and made a beeline for my bedroom.

  I hadn't expected him to follow me but when I turned he filled the doorway of my room.

  We were now in the place where we'd been intimate just a few nights ago, and it felt like a walk down memory lane. I remembered how my skin felt beneath his touch, and an involuntary thrill raced up my spine.

  He walked into my room. The bottle of medication on my beside table caught my attention and I felt panicked that he might see it, but his concentration was solely on me.

  "What do you want from me?" I asked. "Do you want me to tell you my darkest secrets?"

  He remained still.

  "You didn't want to get emotionally entangled with me but here you are asking me to reveal things I've never told anyone."

  The only reaction to my words was the slight tightening of his hands into fists.

  "So do you really want to know?" I asked, my voice hoarse with emotion.

  "No," he said stiffly.

  His answer hurt like a pu
nch to my stomach, temporarily stealing the air from my lungs.

  "Then leave," I said. He didn't have any right to be here questioning me about anything.

  Just as he turned to go, his eyes took in the bottle of medication and he stopped.

  Panicked, I wanted to grab the bottle from him but I stopped myself. If I reacted like that he would know I was hiding something.

  "What's this?" he asked before he read the label.

  "Medication." I kept my response vague.

  He looked back at me. I walked to him and grabbed it from his hand.

  "Please leave," I demanded.

  "I can't." He turned to face me.

  "I don't need you here. Get out," I tried again, feeling more and more helpless.

  "Why are you taking that stuff?" he asked. "Is it really that bad?"

  It was worse than that.

  "Get out!" I yelled, feeling my rising panic.

  Seconds later, Levi appeared behind Slater.

  "I think it's time you left," he said to Slater. I put my hand to my mouth as they sized each other up. Slater was more intimidating.

  Slater gave me one last look before he left. Levi followed him out and I felt my body sway as the emotions I had been suppressing broke free. Tears sprang to my eyes and I opened the bottle. I swallowed a tablet and hid the medicine in the drawer before Levi returned.

  "He's gone. You okay?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.

  My lip trembled slightly and I gave him a nod, unable to speak as I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  "Yes."

  Chapter Seventeen

  For the next two days I was numb, my emotions smothered by medication. I went to classes, ate and slept. But the light that had given a shine to my life wasn't there anymore. The brightness dimmed and I struggled through with the help of the pills. I don't know how I would have survived without them.

  Since my crying session with Levi just after Slater had left, I had held myself together without any further meltdowns. Levi had kept an eye on me.

  When I thought about Slater all I could think about was how things had ended between us. There had been no warning, no discussion - nothing. It was why I struggled with it. There had been no closure. It felt like I had gone straight from his bed to be discarded like an unwanted piece of trash.