Surviving Slater

by Regan Ure

  I couldn't stop myself from thinking of the girl who had replaced me. I knew it wasn't healthy but it didn't matter. My mind went back to the moment it had ended between us, when I had mentioned the name Shannon.

  The story behind the name nagged at me and I began to fixate on it, wanting to know what happened. I couldn't exactly ask Slater about it; he wouldn't tell me anything.

  Somehow in my weird way of piecing everything together I believed if I at least knew why he had left so suddenly and shut me out of his life I could close the chapter on us and him. I couldn't go on like this. With the emotional mess of my childhood that I was still trying to smother and the pain from my separation from Slater, it was too much to handle.

  If I kept this up I knew I was heading for an emotional breakdown. My childhood scars wouldn't be forgotten and I had to find a new way to deal with them. I bit my nail as I went over my options. My survival depended on what I did next.

  Shannon. Then the idea came to me. Connor had ways of finding out things. I knew if I asked him he would help me, but I hesitated.

  With a past I didn't want anyone to know about, I knew it was wrong to go behind his back and meddle in his when he clearly didn't want to talk to me about it.

  "You've been quiet the last couple of days," Levi said, pulling me out of the loop I'd been stuck in, unable to make a clear decision.

  "Sorry," I mumbled. "I've had a lot on my mind."

  In that moment I missed Matthew. He would have gotten the ice cream out already and given an ear to listen to my guy-problems. But I had to admit no amount of ice cream was going to fix me.

  "Have you heard from Slater again?" he asked. It was the first time he'd asked me about him since his last visit.

  I shook my head. There had been no contact from him and I didn't expect any. We would go back to being strangers who only stepped into each other's space when our friendships with Sin and Taylor required us to. I just hoped there weren't any occasions like that anytime soon. I was far too fragile to pretend everything was okay, even with the medication.

  "No. And I don't expect to."

  He didn't look convinced. Maybe he was trying to make me feel better but it wasn't working.

  My phone began to ring and I picked it up off the coffee table. It was Matthew. Levi disappeared into the kitchen.

  "Hello," I said, feeling a little better.

  "Hey, roomie," he said, and it made me smile.

  "It's good to hear your voice," I revealed as I wandered over to the window.

  "I've missed you," he said, and it made my smile widen.

  "You're phoning to check up on me," I said, knowing he was worried about me.

  "Someone has to." The one I wanted to care, didn't.

  "I'm okay." I kept my voice light so the lie would be believable.

  "Liar," he countered. "Has Slater been behaving?"

  "Slater is Slater and there is no changing him."

  There was a moment of silence that led into two.

  "What did he do now?" he asked, an edge of anger in his voice.

  "We're done." There was no more Slater and me.

  "Yeah, until he comes groveling back," he scoffed.

  "No. This time I think we are really over." It was hard to keep the sadness out of my voice.

  "You deserve better than him." That didn't matter. I wanted him more than I had probably wanted any guy, and it sucked I wasn't enough for him.

  "He keeps hurting you over and over again. You need to stay away from him, he isn't the one for you. Find someone who can love you."

  His words were direct and painful even though they were true. Slater wasn't capable of loving me or anyone else, and I needed to accept it.

  I steered him off the subject of Slater and asked about his new job. He couldn't give me a lot of details but he said he was enjoying his new assignment. And from the sound of his voice, he seemed quite happy.

  "I have to go," I said to him. "Thanks for the call."

  "You're welcome. I'll call you again next week. But if you need anything or even if it's just to listen, call me."

  He was so damn sweet.

  "Thanks, I will."

  I looked down at my phone for a few seconds. His advice was hard to swallow but in the long run it would be better for me. It was time to get over Slater and there was only one way for me to make peace with it and let it go.

  I needed to know who Shannon was and what happened to him to scar him this bad. If we weren't over I wouldn't have contemplated this, knowing it would end whatever we had. But it was already over, so there was nothing to lose.

  My fingers drifted over the keys as I fought through the last of my conscience that told me it was a bad idea. I called Connor before I could back out.

  It rang a few times before he answered.

  "Connor," he said in the business tone I'd gotten used to.

  "Hi, Connor," I said.

  "Jordan," he said. "Everything okay?"

  "Yes. There's nothing wrong," I assured him. "I wanted to ask you if you could help me with something."

  "What do you need?" he asked.

  I wet my lips.

  "I need to find out more about Slater's background," I admitted. I wasn't sure what response I was expecting. Would he refuse? Would he lecture me?

  Saying the words aloud made me feel guiltier than I had already felt before.

  "Are you looking for something specific?" he asked, and now I had his full attention.

  "He mentioned a girl named Shannon."

  "Shannon," he repeated. It sounded like he was writing it down. "Was she an ex-girlfriend?"

  "I'm not sure. I think she might be his sister."

  "A sister?" he asked.

  "Yes. Slater had a sister but no one knows what happened to her."

  "Okay. I'll get my guy on it," he told me. "And, Jordan?"

  "Yes?" I waited for the lecture.

  "Are you sure you're ready for what I might find?" he asked.

  "Yes." I wanted the closure that this would give me. "I was expecting a lecture from you."

  "I have no room to talk," he said. His voice was tired. "I'll get back to you as soon as I have any information.'

  He ended the call.

  I forgot he did this so often. He'd had Sin checked out and when some unsavory things had come up in the background check he had tried to warn Taylor. It had caused trouble between the two of them.

  I'd seen firsthand what happened when you get digging into someone's past when they didn't want you to. But the difference was we weren't a couple. He had been the guy I'd been sleeping with, but all he was now was an acquaintance I would see every now and then.

  Finding out why Slater had cut me out of his life so quickly without any explanation or forewarning was more important. Once I could understand it, it would make it easier to put our brief encounter behind me.

  It was that simple and I felt a glimmer of hope. There, I had done it.

  "Have you got plans for tonight?" Levi asked when he entered the room.

  He was adjusting the collar of his leather jacket.

  "I have an assignment I need to work on," I said, slumping onto the sofa. "Why?"

  "Why don't you come out with me?"

  "Where are you going?" I asked. I wasn't sure going out was such a good idea. But at least I wouldn't spend the whole night second-guessing my decision to snoop into Slater's past.

  You don't ever have to tell him. He never needs to know you got Connor to do a background check on him.

  Levi stood beside the sofa as I wrestled with my decision to stay home and do my work or to go out with Levi.

  "Come on," he said, tilting his head to the side.

  I wanted to but I had homework to do.

  "I think I'm going to stay home and do my assignment."

  "You sure?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, and I nodded.

  He ruffled my hair. "Don't work too hard." Then he left.

  I got up and went to the kitchen feeling
a little hungry. I got some chips and water before I headed to my bedroom. I put the food and bottle of water on my beside table as I got my books.

  I knew a lot of people who hated math with a passion, but I loved it. There was no gray area or maybes. There were only definitive answers. Being able to concentrate on the numbers gave me a distraction from the turmoil in my life.

  I lost track of time as I worked, getting my figures to add up. Glancing at my watch, I realized I had lost a couple of hours.

  Finally, when it was complete, I set my pencil down and closed my books. A message appeared on my phone.

  Can I come over?

  It was from Slater. I frowned as I cradled the phone in my hands, trying to figure out what his intention was. Did he want to pick up where we'd left off?

  No.

  I typed it out quickly before I got the urge to change my mind. Putting down my phone, I stood up and began to pace. Another message pinged.

  I'm outside, it said.

  I bit my nail. Why was he here? Even through the medication I could feel my nervousness. I didn't have to open the door and let him in. It was my choice. I had told him no.

  For a few minutes I debated with my internal thoughts. I found myself standing by the front door with my hand on the doorknob, trying to resist letting him in.

  I opened the door. Slater was leaning against the wall across from me with his arms crossed.

  The sight of him made my heart race. The heart didn't care about the mind's logical reasoning that this was a bad idea.

  He pushed off the wall and stood in front of me. The way he looked at me made me swallow as I tried to keep cool.

  "What do you want?" I asked, trying to harden myself against him. He had no right to be here.

  "To finish our conversation."

  "Like I told you before, I'm fine."

  "Do you really want to have this conversation out here?" His eyes held mine, challenging me. With one look he could make me feel so aware of myself and his distance from me.

  I didn't want to have this conversation at all and the thought of having it out in front where anyone could hear us was less appealing. But the determined look he gave me made me step back so he could enter the apartment.

  Feeling angry he'd shown up and that I had let him in, I closed the door harder than necessary. I followed him into the living room.

  "Where's Levi?" he asked, looking around the room.

  "Out," I replied in a clipped tone, not wanting to reveal anything more than he asked.

  "Without you?" he asked, looking back at me. I hated how his eyes saw more than anyone else.

  "I'm not sure what you mean by that," I replied, crossing my arms.

  "It doesn't matter," he said, rolling his shoulders back. The movement tightened his shirt around his stomach and I got the impression of the tight muscles underneath it.

  Keep your focus, I told myself, refusing to allow my physical attraction to him to cloud my judgment.

  I remembered Cathy and it helped harden my heart to him. Like Matthew had told me, I had to let Slater go, and I had to find someone who could love me—because Slater would never be able to.

  "Why are you here?" I asked him, hoping he would get to the point. The sooner I got him out of here the better for me.

  Being around him scrambled my thoughts and it was hard to remember all the reasons to stay away from him. Looking into his eyes was hypnotizing and all I could remember was how it felt to have his body against mine.

  "I'm still worried about you," he said. The dismissive shrug did nothing to lighten his statement.

  "Worrying about me would entail caring, and we have already established that you don't." It was a direct blow but I couldn't help myself. His eyes hardened and his lips tightened.

  I had hoped he would argue but his silence only hurt more.

  "I need you to leave me alone," I said, gripping my arms tighter. It was the right thing to do but the ache in my chest worsened. "Nothing that is happening to me has anything to do with you."

  I was letting him go, without any responsibility. He could carry on with his shallow screws and never feel an emotional connection to anyone. I would find a way to carry the burden of my childhood without relying on medication to keep me functioning.

  It had to be that way.

  "I don't believe you," he said, stepping closer, and I fought the instinct to take a step backward. "It was my action that brought this on."

  I frowned.

  "The other night if I had left things alone, you would be okay."

  I wanted to argue but we both knew it was the truth.

  "It was only a matter of time before it happened," I assured him, knowing despite my attempts to ignore what had happened to me it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

  I couldn't fix myself on my own but I wasn't prepared to go see someone who would be able to help me. Maybe one day I would be ready.

  "I feel responsible," he said. "And I don't like the feeling that I caused it."

  I dropped my gaze for a moment to collect myself. Speaking about it only brought it more into focus and I didn't want to take a magnifying glass to it. I wanted to be able to lock it away and pretend it never happened.

  "Knowing you're taking medication worries me." So, as I had been afraid of, finding out I was taking pills to help me was the root cause of this.

  "Sometimes taking something helps," I explained, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I never considered myself a weak person but I didn't like admitting I needed the help.

  "I know firsthand how quickly it can spiral into an addiction that destroys lives."

  There was truth in his eyes. The sadness erased my anger at his actions and I dropped my arms to my sides. It was a glimpse into his past. I wondered if he was talking about Shannon or if it had something to do with his own past.

  "It won't," I assured him. I hated taking the stuff but, to get through every day, I needed it.

  He gave me a doubtful look. "It's difficult to believe that, when I've seen it happen before. It takes over your life and nothing else matters."

  There was no way to assure him that it wasn't going to happen with me.

  "I don't want that for you."

  The intensity of his words sent a flutter through me. If I forgot about Cathy for a moment, hearing his words would make me believe he cared—really cared—about me.

  But his actions didn't fit in with someone who did.

  "Is that what happened with Shannon?" I asked.

  The effect was immediate. He looked at me like I had physically struck him as he took a step away from me. I expected him to leave as abruptly as he had the last time, but he didn't.

  "Shannon was my sister."

  The 'was' in the sentence gave me all the information I needed. The look he gave me made me step forward and I embraced him. At first he was stiff but I refused to let him go.

  "I'm sorry," I whispered.

  "Me too." His arms wrapped around me and he hugged me back.

  Chapter Eighteen

  He pulled away from me after a little while.

  "This isn't about me," he said. He sounded so wounded that I wanted to argue. We both had had childhood events that had fundamentally changed us.

  I didn't have siblings so I couldn't even imagine what it would feel like to lose a family member. My childhood event had made me mourn the loss of my innocence, forever tainted.

  "If you can't talk to Taylor about it, maybe you should go and see someone. You're one of the strongest people I know and there is nothing wrong with getting help."

  No amount of 'help' could erase what happened to me. I would always walk with the wound. I kept quiet. I had never revealed what happened to anyone. He was the only one who knew something bad had happened to me.

  His eyes were filled with emotion. "Deal with the issue and stop taking drugs to mask it."

  Feeling self-conscious, I tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. I didn't want anyone to know w
hat happened. It had to stay firmly in my past where it couldn't affect my future.

  "Is that what you did?" I asked before I realized I had spoken out loud.

  He shook his head. "Mine is different. I deserve the pain."

  I frowned. What had happened to his sister that he felt responsible for it?

  "How do you know I don't deserve what happened to me?"

  He studied me for a moment. "I just know." That made my stomach flutter.

  "I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes," I argued. My most recent mistake was getting Connor to meddle in his background.

  "We all have. Some mistakes you can walk away from and some you can't."

  It was like he felt the same pain I did. The intensity of his gaze made me swallow nervously. For so long my only connection with guys had been on a physical level but with this tattooed bad boy it was more.

  The way my heart skipped a beat when his eye connected with mine… The feel of my skin tingling beneath his gaze… The way my pulse quickened and my mouth suddenly dried, making it harder to talk...

  When he spoke of his scars my soul felt his sadness. When I saw his pain I wanted to carry it for him. It was the moment I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. Now I understood what my mom meant by "the one."

  But the reality was my "one" was so badly scarred he wasn't capable of returning my feelings. At the slightest connection he'd run to the first available girl. He had replaced me without a second thought even though, to me, he was irreplaceable.

  He stood closer and I felt the pull to him. It would be so easy to allow it to happen. I could give myself enough reasons to kiss him, to love him. But I had a reason to resist. He didn't love me and he never could.

  Before I had realized how I felt, just having the physical side of him had been enough—but now I craved and needed more.

  "I'm a mistake you can walk away from." His words cut right through me like a hot knife through butter. He had been the one to walk away.

  "You're the one who left," I said, feeling the need to remind him. "And do I need to remind you about Cathy?"

  I hated how I felt like a jealous girlfriend when I had no right to feel that way.