Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

by David Bussell

  ‘I told you. I’m a witch.’

  Martins wavered, looking at the fire on my hand, over to my face, then back again.

  ‘Let me go, Detective,’ I said.

  But Martins wasn’t one to be scared off. He grimaced and charged.

  I punched forward, the fire roaring from my hand and firing towards Martins as a warning shot, causing him to instinctively dive out of the way. He landed in the dirt, but tucked straight into a roll, coming to a stop on his knee, still brandishing the baton. He might be a nasty piece of work, but I couldn’t help but be impressed.

  I didn’t have time to carry on with the demonstration though.

  As he came at me again, the dumb, fearless oaf, I swept my arm across and he was flung through the air and sent crashing against a wall, his baton spilling out of his hand. I ran to him as he lay dazed on the dirt floor, and reached into his pocket, yanking out his keys.

  ‘Fucker,’ he said, slurring, his meaty hand gripping my wrist and pulling me back as I tried to escape.

  ‘I’m sorry about this, Detective.’

  ‘Sorry about what?’

  The wrist he was holding in his vice of a hand erupted with flame and he let me go with a scream. I clambered up and bolted for the door, waggling the keys over my head.

  ‘Thanks! I’ll try and hand it back in one piece!’

  I leapt behind the wheel of the car, slotted the key home, started the engine, and stomped on the accelerator. The car’s rear end kicked out, wheels spinning, then it lurched away. Before I turned off the dirt road and back onto a main road, I glimpsed Detective Martins staggering out of the stone shack, pursuing on foot.

  So, to add to my list of pressing concerns, I could now add ‘Fugitive from Justice’ to my rap sheet. Today was just getting better and better.

  23

  I had to assume Martins would radio this in and have every officer in the county hunting me down, so driving back to my flat was out of the question. All in all, a terrible situation had just gotten a whole lot worse.

  So, that was good.

  I’d also revealed to Martins that I was a witch, and performed a bit of magic, which kind of went against the Cumbrian Coven code. On the bright side, I’d probably never have to see him again, as I’d shortly be taken over by my bad side and, I had to assume, murder everyone.

  There’s always a silver lining.

  Out of options, I headed for the coven. I’d just have to hunker down there until Janto came calling.

  As things turned out, I was called upon much sooner than that.

  My phone buzzed, and I pulled it from my pocket. Annie’s name looked back at me.

  ‘Hello? Annie? Are you okay?’

  ‘She said to tell you to come now,’ said Annie, her voice cracked.

  ‘Are you hurt?’

  ‘I’m… no, not too badly.’

  ‘Where are you?’

  There was some muffled noises as the phone was passed to someone else.

  ‘Hello, Joe.’

  It was Myers’ voice.

  ‘Don’t hurt them,’ I begged. ‘Please.’

  ‘I’ll do my very best not to do my very worst.’

  ‘Where?’ I asked.

  ‘The last place we were whole.’

  ‘I don’t—’ but the call cut off.

  Okay, okay, Annie was alive and mostly fine, and I had to assume Millie was too. But where were they? The place we were last whole? What did he mean? The coven?

  And then it clicked.

  It was obvious.

  It was the first place I saw when I became Joseph Lake.

  I yanked the steering wheel, tires screeching, as I pulled a U-turn and steered the car towards Derwentwater.

  I abandoned Martins’ car half a mile from the lake and went the rest of the way on foot. This way I wasn’t announcing my arrival quite so loudly. Perhaps I’d even take Janto by surprise. A part of me still believed that I actually had a chance of rescuing Annie and Millie, and for all three of us to get the hell away from Janto safely.

  It’s good to lie to yourself on a daily basis, I find. Healthy.

  Derwentwater was where I was finally torn in two. Where the worst of me was ripped out of my body and cast asunder. Where it should have then broken apart and washed away, like a sandcastle against the lapping tide, only Janto was too stubborn for that.

  I took out my phone as I walked and called Eva. Maybe she’d pick up. Maybe she’d come and help me save them. The call went straight to voicemail.

  ‘Oh. Hi. Hello. It’s the idiot talking. Just on my way to my ultimate doom, so thought I’d give you a quick bell. You probably won’t even listen to this, you’ll ignore it or delete it, but I’m going to talk for a while anyway and say what I want to say. So. Here I go. What you did—what Janto made you do—it wasn’t your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you had to, as a member of the coven. You did what Lyna and Melodia wanted you to do. Recent revelations suggest it was all a bit pointless in the end, but… sorry… that was stupid. Like I said at the start: it’s the idiot talking. The idiot who’s more than likely about to die. Janto’s going to claim me back and I’m going to disappear under the weight of him. And I’m scared. Really, really scared.’

  I realised my cheek was wet, and wiped it dry with the sleeve of my coat.

  ‘I just wanted to say, it was very nice to know you, Eva. Even when you were hitting me with a stick. Okay, I suppose I should go. This is Joseph Lake, saying goodbye. Goodbye.’

  I ended the call and stood staring at the phone for a while. ‘Okay then. Okay.’

  I put the phone away and carried on walking.

  A few minutes later, Derwentwater lay directly ahead. I pressed against a tree, stealing glances around, trying to spot any sign of movement. I drew the magic towards me, ready to ignite my hands should the need arise. As if they’d have any effect on Janto. Besides, he was inside Myers, so what was I going to do? Kill her to get him out? To save myself?

  No.

  I wasn’t going to be responsible for that. So I let the magic drift away. There was nothing I could do but hand myself over and hope for the best.

  I stepped out from the cover and walked towards Derwentwater, whistling a jaunty tune as I went. I’d be damned if I was going to let him see me trembling.

  The three of them were waiting on a bench. Annie flinched when she saw me. She almost looked guilty, like I should blame her for what was about to happen.

  ‘Hey there, Annie. And is that Millie the duck feeder I see with you?’

  Millie looked up at her mum, then smiled and waved at me. ‘No ducks here,’ she said, pointing at the lake.

  ‘No ducks?’ I said. ‘Rubbish lake, that.’

  ‘Here we all are then,’ said Janto.

  ‘Here we are. Nice day for it.’

  ‘You don’t remember what happened here, do you?’ he said.

  ‘Nope,’ I replied. ‘Annie, are you okay?’ I could see she had marks on her face. Cuts. They weren’t bleeding now, but they still looked painful.

  ‘We made it this far, to this lake, after what they did, before we couldn’t hold it together, and out I went. And here you stayed. A wretched husk of my true self.’

  ‘Yes, but I look good in a slim-fitting suit, and my hair is always on point.’

  Janto smiled with Myers’ mouth.

  ‘You don’t need to worry, now,’ I said to Annie. ‘This person is going to let you both go. Isn’t that right?’

  Janto shrugged. ‘It makes no difference to me. One way or the other, they’ll be fucked eventually.’

  Millie gasped and pointed. ‘She said a bad word!’

  Janto laughed and ruffled Millie’s hair. ‘Oh, I’m going to do a lot more than that.’

  ‘Come over here,’ I said, gesturing Annie and Millie forward.

  Annie glanced to Janto, then lifted her daughter into her arms and walked over to me. ‘I knew you’d come, you know,’ she said.

 
‘Of course. I’m the man who put his soul in peril after only meeting you a couple of times.’

  She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. ‘So what happens now?’

  ‘Now you take your daughter home.’

  ‘No, I mean, what happens to you?’

  ‘Oh, I’ll be okay. He doesn’t want me dead. Not exactly.’

  ‘He?’

  ‘This is Detective Maya Myers, but her body has been taken over by an evil part of me that wants to reclaim himself. It’s complicated.’

  ‘When isn’t it?’

  ‘Good point.’

  Annie reached over, placing her hand to my cheek, her thumb rubbing back and forth. ‘You’re being brave to hide some of the truth from me.’

  ‘I’m that transparent, am I?’ I replied.

  ‘Totally.’

  Annie leaned forward and pressed her lips briefly to mine. ‘Thank you for being brave, you idiot.’

  ‘My pleasure.’

  ‘And you’re right, you know.’

  ‘I am?’

  ‘Yeah, your hair is really next level.’

  I handed Annie some keys. ‘There’s a car half a mile that way,’ I said, pointing in the direction I’d come from. ‘It belongs to a Detective Martins. Go home. Be safe.’

  Annie looked at the keys in her hand, then over to Janto, who was skimming stones along the surface of the lake.

  ‘Beat her. Him. Whoever. Just beat them.’

  I wanted to reply with something encouraging, but my mouth refused.

  ‘Come on, pickle,’ she said to Millie. I watched the pair of them walk away, Millie smiling and waving at me, until they turned out of sight.

  ‘It’s pointless letting them go, you know,’ said Janto as I walked over to join him at the water’s edge.

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘You made them think they’re safe now. They’re not. No one is. Not now that we’re about to be complete. We’ll become the Magic Eater and none of them will be safe ever again. Not even little girls who feed breadcrumbs to ducks.’

  I picked up a smooth pebble and whipped it across the water, achieving a disappointing three skips.

  ‘Maybe not. But for now they are. For now they’re safe. That’s all that matters.’

  ‘I thought you might try and fight,’ said Janto.

  ‘You’re in my friend’s body,’ I replied. ‘Fighting you would mean hurting her.’

  ‘How very noble of you.’

  ‘Besides, you’d only kick my skinny arse.’

  Janto laughed. ‘So where’s Eva? I thought she might come charging out at me. Always been a hot-head, that one. It’s always been one of the things I liked most about her.’

  ‘She’s gone.’ I sighed. ‘Why did you do it, Janto? Why did we do it?’

  ‘Hm? You mean turn against our own coven?’

  ‘Lyna and Melodia; they were like our family, weren’t they?’

  ‘Oh, closer than that. We three were one.’

  ‘So why turn away? Why betray them and everything we were supposed to stand for?’

  Janto crouched and began picking through the stones. ‘We’ve been alive a long time, Joe. I’m not sure anyone should live as long as we have. I began to search, really search, for the meaning of it all, and you know what I found?’

  I shook my head as Janto stood, pebble in hand.

  ‘Nothing. Just an endless expanse of indifferent nothingness. Life is empty. Worthless. Meaningless. Every life, from start to finish, is pointless. Existence is a joke, and I don’t like the laughter being at my expense.’

  Janto threw the pebble and I watched it skip four, five, six times. ‘That was a good one,’ he said.

  ‘I think you’re wrong.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Life isn’t nothing. It’s everything. I look at that little girl of Annie’s, so full of smiles and hope and possibility, and I see all the reason existence needs.’

  Janto arched Myers’ eyebrow. ‘I suppose we’re going to have to agree to disagree on that one.’

  ‘So, how do we look?’

  Janto turned and straightened out a crease in my jacket. ‘We look ready to take our next step.’

  I took a look around, surveying the horizon, and breathing in one last crisp, clean gulp of Cumbrian air whilst I was still me. Still Joseph Lake. Still the daft man that did his best.

  ‘It really is beautiful, this place,’ I said, looking at the water, the mountains, the wonderful enormity of it all.

  ‘More beautiful soon,’ replied Janto.

  ‘Okay then,’ I said. ‘Get on with it.’

  Myers’ eyes turned white as her hands gripped my face.

  I was whole again.

  And Joseph Lake was gone.

  24

  Actually, not quite.

  After Janto left Myers’ body and moved back into his own, I hadn’t expected to have any thoughts as Joseph Lake again. The two parts of me would meld together and I’d become whole. I’d be Janto the warlock again, swamped and assimilated by the old me. A man destined to become the Magic Eater.

  At least that’s what I thought.

  And that’s what should have happened.

  But instead, I, Joseph Lake, kept on going. Kept on thinking my thoughts and feeling my feelings, and didn’t for one moment believe that turning into a giant monster with flames for skin and striding across the world bringing pain, misery, and death was a nifty cool way to spend my twilight years.

  Joseph Lake lived!

  It was pitch black. Or I was blind. One of the two.

  I tried to stand, but wasn’t sure if I was even sitting. Then I realised I wasn’t even sure I had legs or feet to stand on.

  Maybe I was nothing.

  Just my thoughts.

  Alone with my thoughts for eternity.

  Bit grim.

  ‘Swim down.’

  The voice was distant. Maybe I just imagined it. So I decided to imagine other things. Things like having legs and walking and not being in the dark anymore. I concentrated on the idea of legs. Of motion. Of light. Concentrated like a motherfucker. And soon enough, the dark began to be, well, less dark.

  ‘Here I go. Walky walk walk.’

  Then there was too much light, and I screamed and shielded my eyes. As it turned out, I now had eyes and hands to shield them with.

  How had this happened? Me still being aware? Joseph Lake, not Janto?

  I was above a grimy alley, looking down at a woman crouched over a dead body. I recognised the woman. It was Detective Maya Myers. She was telling the man curled up at her feet that it was going to be okay. That help was coming. He just had to hang in there. But I could see what she was pretending not to; that the man had long since stopped hanging on.

  Was this Maya and the partner she saw murdered in London?

  Was I seeing what Janto had been drawn to?

  The point he latched onto her, as she tried to comfort a corpse?

  ‘Janto, come to us.’

  It was the voice again. I knew the voice, because it belonged to family. It belonged to Lyna, a witch of the Cumbrian Coven.

  ‘Janto,’ said Melodia, ‘we need to talk.’

  ‘My name isn’t Janto. I’m not him. I’m not even nearly him. My name is Joseph Lake. I mop floors and kick monster arse, and I absolutely do not want to murder the entire planet, thank you very much.’

  The world below me rushed past, streaking, sights and colours blurring. I could feel the wind in my hair, feel it vibrating my flesh as I travelled at inhuman speed. I was dragged north. Dragged home.

  I was in the Cumbrian Coven.

  I looked down, and was relieved to see that I had a body. Legs, torso, elbows, the whole shebang.

  ‘Hello?’

  There were two women sat by the fire.

  ‘Welcome home, Joseph Lake,’ said Lyna, smiling.

  ‘What are you two, then?’ I asked. ‘Ghosts or memories?’

  ‘Both, most likely,’ replied Melodia.<
br />
  ‘Well, thanks for not clearing that up.’

  I looked around the main room of the coven. It looked neater, more homely, than the room that now existed. No scorch marks on the walls, no battered, crack den rejected couch.

  ‘So, would either of you like to tell me what’s going on?’

  ‘You haven’t been lost within Janto,’ said Lyna.

  ‘Instead you are trapped inside yourself.’

  ‘Sort of a good news/bad news deal,’ I said.

  ‘You may not have been assimilated into the whole, but Janto’s consciousness is too big, too noisy, too powerful.’

  ‘So I’ve been pushed aside, instead. Kicked into the attic, out of harm’s way.’

  ‘Exactly. And Eva calls you an idiot...’ said Melodia.

  ‘In her defence, I do a lot of daft things.’

  ‘At first you were what was left behind, but over time you became someone entirely new,’ said Lyna.

  ‘You became Joseph Lake. And as Joseph Lake was never part of the whole, never truly part of Janto, how could you become part of him now?’

  ‘So, what you’re saying is, I have a powerful, electric, alluring personality and I ain’t no mo-fo’s bitch?’

  The two witches just looked at me.

  ‘See,’ I said, ‘Eva really does have a point.’

  I dragged an empty chair over and joined the witches by the fire.

  ‘So, it’s the three of us huddled inside the back room of Janto’s mind from now on then?’

  ‘No,’ said Lyna.

  ‘No?’

  ‘No,’ repeated Melodia, ‘because you’re getting out.’

  ‘Am I?’

  ‘Unless you’d like to see the world stomped below the Magic Eater’s cloven hoof?’

  ‘Well, no. Ideally not.’

  ‘Then you need to get out,’ said Melodia, ‘and you need to fight,’

  ‘Win the battle for your own mind, Joseph.’

  ‘That all sounds terrific, with two teensy problems. One, I have no idea how to push him out. Two, even if I did, he’d just beat the shit out of me and climb back in. Otherwise, I’m fully onboard with this gambit.’

  The two witches stood and held hands.

  ‘You just need to remember what we told you,’ said Lyna.