Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

by David Bussell

‘I do?’

  ‘As for the rest? You’re Joseph Lake. Last remaining witch of the Cumbrian Coven. You’ll find a way,’ said Melodia.

  ‘Or you’ll die trying,’ said Lyna.

  And then the two vanished.

  ‘Good pep talk, ladies. I’m brim-full of confidence now. Yes, this is sarcasm.’

  I blinked and I was no longer in the coven, I was outside.

  I recognised where I was.

  Bloody Derwentwater. It’s always bloody Derwentwater.

  I turned in a little circle as the wind whipped at my long coat. ‘So, what now, exactly?’

  I walked towards the water’s edge and started to skip stones again.

  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. I was alive. In a way. I had a world inside my own mind to explore. I was safe. I could just stay here and maybe I’d be okay.

  I sat with that idea for a while as I threw stones at the water, watching them hop along the surface.

  Of course, I knew there was no way I could actually do that. Hide in here and forget about whatever Janto was doing out there. I pictured Millie, waving at me, a big grin on her face.

  I was Joseph Lake of the Cumbrian Coven. I may be an idiot. I may be ill-equipped to save anyone. I may have a weaker grasp of magic than a First-Year at Hogwarts. But there was no way I was going to let Millie, or any child, die without at least staging an entirely futile final stand.

  I just had to remember what they told me. That’s what Lyna had said. And I was pretty sure I knew what she meant.

  I shrugged off my coat and yanked my boots from my feet, then I waded into Derwentwater, shivering as the cold water crept higher and higher.

  Swim down.

  I took three breaths, and then on the fourth, I held it and ducked beneath the surface. I kicked my legs and swept my arms, driving down, down down.

  Swim down, Janto.

  I’m not Janto. I’m Joseph. Janto isn’t me at all.

  At all.

  The world was turning black, but I kept on swimming. Kept on driving down and down as my lungs began to burn. Began to scream, demanding I take a breath. Can a consciousness trapped within the walls of another’s mind actually suffocate? Did I even need to breathe?

  Whatever passed as my lungs here seemed to think so.

  Swim down.

  How much longer could I go? Surely I’d hit bottom, hit dirt and rocks, and then what?

  Thoughts began to fuzz, but my body kept on kicking. I just kept Millie in my mind’s eye. Smiling and waving. Throwing breadcrumbs to ducks.

  And I swam down, down, down.

  But it was no good.

  I could feel myself breaking apart.

  What passed for my body, my limbs, my bones, it was all coming loose.

  Becoming a sandcastle against the tide.

  Not a person.

  Only the idea of a person.

  Swim down.

  I’d tried.

  A fruitless last stand after all then.

  I closed my eyes tightly and wondered what would happen next.

  What would happen next, is that I’d feel a small hand in mine.

  A small, furry hand.

  My eyes opened and I saw a figure stood on the lake bed, reaching up to me and pulling me down.

  Hello Fox.

  Hello, saviour.

  25

  Things went a bit wibbly wobbly at that point. I know that’s not exactly the clearest of descriptions, narratively speaking, but it’s the best I have.

  I was underwater, looking down at the Fox as his paw gripped my hand and he pulled me to him, and then it’s like there was an explosion, and a rush of sights, smells, and sounds. Everything seemed to twist in on itself, over and over, until reality folded and stretched and spiralled. And then everything stopped and I let loose a bowel-shaking, high-pitched scream.

  Once I was done with that, I caught my breath and pushed myself upright onto trembling legs. The grass under my feet was blood red, and smeared crimson onto my trousers, onto my boots. The sky above me roared with furious flames.

  I was in the Dark Lakes. But was I in the Dark Lakes-Dark Lakes, or was I in a version of the Dark Lakes inside my own mind?

  ‘Hi,’ said the Fox.

  I spun to see the little guy, Roman helmet on his head, axe gripped in his hand.

  ‘Is this…?’ I pointed around me wildly, at the red grass, at the fire sky, at the distant mounds of bones, ‘is this real? Am I here, or in here?’ I tapped at my head.

  ‘You are in the Dark Lakes. You have pushed out the other one.’

  ‘I did?’

  The Fox nodded. ‘I helped.’

  ‘How did you do that? Exactly?’

  ‘My whole purpose for the last decade has been to find you. To know where you are.’

  ‘Yes, but I was inside my own brain. I was just thoughts and a personality kicking around some backwater grey matter.’

  The Fox shrugged. ‘I am brave and clever and resourceful and I can find you wherever you might be.’

  I tried to reply. Then I tried to say thank you. Then I gave up, strode over, picked him up, and hugged him.

  ‘I’m not sure this is proper,’ said the Fox.

  ‘Thank you for coming to get me.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  ‘I told you, didn’t I?’ said the Red Woman. I turned to see her leaning against the throne. My throne. A throne fashioned from skulls. ‘I told you something was happening, something that would bring you back here, ready to take your throne and become the Magic Eater.’

  ‘Well, tough luck,’ I said, ‘because I just beat the twat who wanted that.’

  The Red Woman laughed. ‘No, I don’t think so.’

  I didn’t like the sound of that. ‘What’re you talking about?’

  ‘Perhaps you put me down now,’ said the Fox, who I was still holding in my arms.

  ‘Right, yep, sorry.’ I crouched, placing him back down onto the red grass.

  ‘You think because you pushed your dark side out that it’s all over?’ said the Red Woman. ‘You underestimate yourself.’

  I looked down to the Fox. ‘She’s lying, isn’t she? It’s done, over?’

  ‘No. The Red Woman does not lie.’

  The Red Woman straightened up and walked towards me, her eyes dreamy, seductive. ‘You pushed poor Janto out, but that’s all you did. He’ll be reclaiming what’s rightfully his, and soon.’

  That seemed like my cue to get a very long way away from the creepy hill with the blood red grass.

  ‘In fact,’ said Maya Myers, stepping into view as she reached the Hill’s summit, ‘that’ll be happening very, very soon.’

  Janto had reclaimed Myers’ body and followed me here. So this had probably all been nothing but a pointless, momentary delay after all. Smashing.

  ‘Janto,’ said the Red Woman, cupping Myers’ face in her hands and pressing her lips against hers. ‘So good to have the real you back in the Dark Lakes.’

  ‘I told you I would take the throne,’ replied Janto. ‘That I would fulfil my destiny and march at the head of the undead army. Walk out of the Dark Lakes as the beast, as the Magic Eater, with you as my bride.’

  ‘Sir,’ said the Fox, tugging at my sleeve, ‘perhaps it is time to run? I can do my best to aid you.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, ‘but what would be the point? Wherever I go, he’ll find me. Sooner or later I’ll end up back on this hill.’

  ‘You’re not wrong, Joseph Lake,’ said Janto. ‘I have to say, you surprised me with your own strength of will. I thought we would become one again. I wasn’t expecting you to still be a thing, never mind stage a coup inside my brain.’

  ‘I’m not you. Not anymore. Janto the Warlock? That isn’t me. I’m Joseph Lake.’

  ‘Not for much longer,’ said the Red Woman, resting her head on Myers’ shoulder, hands wrapped around her waist.

  ‘Just take the throne if that’s what you want!’ I cried. ‘It’s right there, just sit!
’

  ‘I can’t,’ replied Janto.

  ‘He cannot claim the throne in any person’s body but his own,’ said the Red Woman.

  ‘Then you’re out of luck,’ I said, ‘because the moment you jump in me I’ll push you right back out again.’

  ‘No, you won’t,’ replied Janto.

  ‘And why’s that?’

  Janto pulled out a large knife and pressed it to his neck; to Myers’ neck.

  ‘No, don’t hurt her!’

  The Red Woman stroked the blade, the point pressing against Myers’ jugular, hard enough to break the skin and draw a small red bead.

  ‘I won’t hurt her, Joseph, I’ll fucking kill her. If you refuse me, or reject me, she’s a dead woman.’

  I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I watched as the knife was pushed harder, sending a trickle of blood running down Myers’ neck.

  ‘Try to refuse me entry, I’ll kill her. Push me out? I’ll kill her.’

  ‘What a bind this is, Joseph,’ said the Red Woman, bending to lick up the blood from Myers’ neck.

  There must be something I could do. There had to be.

  The Fox frowned and bowed his head. ‘I am sorry that I helped her. I am sorry.’

  I had no moves, no options. I had to agree to save Myers. It may only save her for a short time, but maybe… maybe I would think of something. Maybe, like the witches coming to me, there was another twist to come, and everything would be okay.

  You never know.

  ‘Okay,’ I said.

  Janto smiled and lowered the knife from Myers’ neck. ‘This was always where we were meant to end up, Joseph. Our fate. Don’t feel bad. You can’t prevent fate. No one can.’

  And then came the twist.

  ‘Fate never met me, fuck face.’

  Eva Familiar appeared over the crest of the Hill, a can of strong lager in her hand.

  ‘Eva, I thought…’ I started, but I was so shocked, so happy to see her, that the words wouldn’t come.

  ‘Don’t get mushy, idiot,’ she replied, but she smiled as she said it.

  ‘I thought you had run away, Eva,’ said Janto, ‘like a scared little child.’

  ‘Only an idiot isn’t scared sometimes, Janto,’ she replied, crouching and running her hand through the blood red grass. ‘You know, walking through this shit must be murder. Having to constantly wash out the stains.’

  ‘Are you going to try and kill me again, Eva?’ asked Janto.

  ‘Thought I’d give it another go, yeah,’ she said, standing and wiping her bloody hand on her coat.

  ‘Last time you had a weapon that Lyna and Melodia conjured for you, this time you have nothing. I don’t think this is going to go well for you.’

  ‘Probably not, but fuck it. You’re a twat and twats get slaps.’

  ‘You’re not welcome in my world, familiar,’ said the Red Woman, stepping towards Eva.

  ‘I go where I want, you skinny, sexy bitch.’

  Eva clapped her hands together, then thrust out her fist. The Red Woman’s eyes bulged in surprise as she was lifted from her feet.

  ‘How dare you!’

  ‘I know, aren’t I a bastard?’

  The Red Woman opened her mouth to speak again, but was whipped back, back and away, sailing out over the horizon, as though a giant had just tossed her in the air and struck her hard with a bat.

  ‘Well that’s one done with,’ said Eva. ‘Gives us time to end this before the bitch finds her way back.’ She pulled out her tobacco tin, retrieved a smoke, and popped it between her lips.

  Janto strode towards her. ‘Very well, Eva, spit from my mouth; I brought you into this world, and now I will take you out of it.’

  ‘Come get me.’

  Eva ran at Janto, right fist raised. The hand began to blur, just as it had back at the coven when Myers was strapped to the bed. Her hand ghosted straight into Myers’ head, and Eva fell back, pulling something from Myers’ body as she did so. Something dark, that writhed and shuddered. Was that Janto? Was that what had become of him?

  Eva grimaced and shoved the thing inside herself, before collapsing onto the red grass, gasping for air.

  ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘Shitting hell.’

  I darted over to Detective Myers, who had crumpled to the ground like a marionette whose strings had been cut. ‘Myers? Maya, can you hear me?’

  She was unconscious, but alive.

  ‘That really fucking hurt.’ said Eva, propping herself up on her elbows.

  ‘What did you do?’ I asked.

  ‘Told you. I can yank something that’s set up home in another person right out of them. So I pulled that fucker out of your detective friend and stuck him deep into me. I can feel him wriggling about in there, and not in a good way.’

  She stood and made her way over to the Fox, who snarled and brandished his axe. ‘I remember you,’ she said.

  ‘And I know you,’ the Fox replied.

  ‘It’s okay, Eva,’ I said. ‘He’s my friend.’

  The Fox grinned.

  ‘Hey, who you choose to mix with is up to you.’

  ‘I am a good fox, now,’ he said.

  ‘So this is what all the fuss is about,’ said Eva, walking over to the skull throne. ‘Bit tacky.’

  ‘Eva,’ I said, ‘Your nose.’

  She sniffed, then ran her coat sleeve across her nostrils, wiping away the blood that was starting to drip out. ‘He’s really fighting in there,’ she said. ‘It won’t take him long to get out. You remember those fairies I had in the fridge?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I feasted on a sewer full of them to power up for this awesome final stand, but even with all that extra magic juice, he’ll bust out in a minute, tops.’

  ‘Why did you come back?’ I asked.

  ‘Maybe you’re not the only stupid one, love.’

  ‘Did you listen to my message?’

  Eva tried to walk over to me, but she stumbled, and fell to one knee.

  ‘Eva!’

  ‘Stay back. It’s okay, I have a plan.’

  ‘Okay. That’s good. That sounds good.’

  ‘It’s a really good plan. A bit of a downer for me personally, though.’

  ‘Why.’

  ‘Kamikaze, bitch,’ she said, pulling out a knife and holding it to her heart.

  ‘Eva, what’re you doing!’

  ‘I need to kill him, Joe, and the only way to do that is to make him physical, then kill the body. Unfortunately, I’m the body. I’m the only one who can hold him long enough to do it.’

  ‘It won’t work,’ I said. ‘He was going to kill Myers while he was inside her! Held a knife to her neck!’

  ‘He was bluffing, love.’

  Bluffing. He was stuck and he’d tricked me.

  ‘Okay then, gotta do this now, no time.’

  ‘No, there must be another way.’

  Eva smiled at me and shrugged. ‘There isn’t. Wish there was. Right—’

  I yelled out as Eva tensed and tried to thrust the blade into her heart. But it didn’t happen. Eva struggled and screamed with the effort, but the knife wouldn’t enter her.

  ‘Eva?’

  ‘Can’t... He’s too strong... He’s stopping me…’

  She began to tremble all over, and blood poured from her nose, her ears, even her eyes. ‘Die, you fuck!’ she said, but her body bucked and fought and refused.

  ‘We’ll find another way!’ I said, dropping to my knees beside her. What way? Was there another way? I just couldn’t lose her. We were family.

  ‘This is the way. This is it, Joe!’

  She took my hand in hers and pulled it towards the handle of the knife.

  ‘Push, Joe.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Push!

  She wanted me to kill her.

  ‘Do it, Joe. Do it! Kill him!’

  I looked at my hand holding the knife, Eva’s over mine.

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘You have to. You have
to be the hero here, Joe, I’ve done all I can.’

  Eva screamed, her head dropping, she was fighting like a lion. I could only imagine the pain, the effort, and there I was, on my knees, as weak as I’d ever felt.

  ‘I can’t hold him!’ She was terrified. But not because she was about to die, but because he was about to escape. About to burst free and then no one could stop him.

  Hell on Earth.

  I leaned forward, both hands on the butt of the knife. I could do this. I had to. I had to kill her. I had to kill Eva. Kill her, and kill Janto.

  I tried, I screamed, willing myself to do it, but still the knife didn’t move. Didn’t thrust into her chest.

  ‘You have to, love.’

  Tears blurred my vision. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’

  ‘I don’t matter.’

  ‘You’re wrong!’

  I felt a hand rest upon my shoulder. ‘Saviour, step aside.’

  I looked back to see the Fox, battle axe in hand.

  ‘Do it!’ screamed Eva.

  The Fox looked to me.

  ‘Now! Kill me now!’

  ‘It is my honour.’

  The Fox raised his battle-axe high above his head. I could see the flames that rolled across the sky reflected on its surface.

  I looked at Eva, and Eva looked at me, and I knew what was right. It had to be me.

  It had to be.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘Let me.’

  ‘Second time’s the charm,’ she said, smiling, blood across her teeth. ‘This time I’ll stop him.’

  I wouldn’t defer to the Fox to help me out again. To do the dirty work. Eva was mine. I’d brought her into this world. And as she did the bravest thing imaginable, I should be brave enough to do as she asked.

  So I gripped the handle of the knife.

  ‘Let’s end this bastard,’ she said.

  I nodded. ‘Together. Together, we win.’

  ‘A pair of bad-arse motherfucking fuckers.’

  Eva let go of the handle, spreading her arms wide.

  And the blade slid into her heart.

  And she died.

  26

  Three days passed before I could bring myself to bury Eva.

  I sat with her body the whole time, just me and her in the coven, waiting for her to open her eyes at last and call me names. Yell at me to go get her a beer out of the fridge, and tell me about the secret trick she’d had up her sleeve all along that allowed her to cheat death.