This Child of Mine

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Lexie nodded. ‘I told him I was your accountant.’

  Laura burst out laughing. ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘He looked a bit surprised but he just said I was a great girl to have such a solid career.’

  They giggled.

  ‘So, how’s your morning going?’ Lexie asked, sipping her coffee.

  Laura put down her brush. ‘Good, thanks. I’m working on a new piece.’

  ‘Do you mind if I have a look at your pictures?’

  ‘No, not at all.’

  Lexie walked around the studio. ‘I wish I had a talent like this. All I know is getting my tits out. Not much for my future kids to be proud of, is it?’

  ‘You’ll be a great mum.’

  Lexie moved to the corner of the studio. ‘Oh, Laura, I love this one.’ She was standing in front of a painting of a little blonde girl.

  ‘Thanks,’ Laura said shortly.

  ‘It’s her, isn’t it?’ Lexie asked. ‘The little girl you lost.’

  Laura nodded and, despite her best efforts, began to cry. Lexie rushed over to comfort her. ‘There there. You poor old thing – what a shitty thing to happen. What are the chances? It was such bad luck. I bet you was a brilliant mum an’ all. You’re so calm, not like me, all wound up and mouthy. She was lucky to have you.’

  Laura pulled away. ‘I was a terrible mother. I was the worst.’

  ‘Don’t say that. Accidents happen all the time.’

  Laura buried her face in her hands. ‘It wasn’t an accident.’

  ‘Course it was – people drown every day. And kids are impossible to watch all the time. No one could ever blame you.’

  ‘Yes, they could. I was drunk.’

  Lexie stared at her. ‘Drunk? As in pissed?’

  Laura looked up, tears streaming down her face. ‘Yes, out-of-my-mind drunk. I was so drunk I passed out at the bar and let my baby daughter wander off. How’s that for Supermum? When the police questioned me I couldn’t remember anything. I vaguely remembered a woman taking Jody for milk, but I couldn’t describe her, too drunk to remember. And then they found Jody’s sandals floating in the water and that was it. Case closed, mystery solved – Jody was dead. Everyone stopped asking questions. She drowned, end of story.’

  ‘What about the body?’

  ‘Never found.’

  Lexie studied Laura’s face. ‘You still think she’s out there, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I do.’

  ‘Do you think that woman took her?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Crikey, Laura! I thought my family stories were bad. That’s the worst I ever heard. But you’ve got to stop beating yourself up – everyone gets pissed. It wasn’t like you hit her or abused her. You were stupid, really stupid, but you was only a kid yourself. How old was you?’

  ‘Twenty. Old enough to know better.’ Laura sobbed. ‘Oh, Lexie, I wasn’t nice to her at all. I never told her I loved her. I never told her how wonderful she was. I was so wrapped up in myself and she was so sweet and beautiful.’

  Lexie hugged her again. ‘You poor thing, the guilt’s eating you up inside, I can see it. But you have to forgive yourself, Laura.’

  ‘I know she’s out there, Lexie, I feel it. A mother knows when her child is dead and my instinct tells me Jody’s alive. At first everyone thought I was saying it to make myself feel better, but I still believe it. I believe in my heart and soul that she’s out there somewhere.’

  ‘Weren’t there any clues?’

  Laura looked out of the window at the sea. ‘Nothing. She vanished into thin air. The boat was packed, it was summer, there were kids running around everywhere. No one remembers seeing her. And when they found her sandals …’

  ‘How did you get through it?’

  Laura smiled ruefully. ‘I drank. From when I woke up in the morning until I passed out at night. And then I started to cut myself. Feeling physical pain helped ease the agony for a minute or two and then it would come back again, stronger, so I’d cut myself again, a little deeper every time.’

  Lexie understood. ‘Oh, babe, my sister used to self-harm. Not the sister that shagged Dougie, my real sister. She did it when my dad went to prison. Her arms was like train tracks. Did you do it for long?’

  ‘Not very. About six weeks after Jody disappeared, Frank found me one night, drunk, in a pool of my own blood. He went crazy. I’ve never seen him so angry.’

  ‘I can’t imagine Frank losing it.’

  ‘He lost it, all right. He smacked me across the face, and called me a selfish bitch. He was furious with me. But then he bandaged my arms and made me coffee and sandwiches to sober me up.’

  ‘Bless him. I wish I had a brother like that.’

  Laura went on, ‘He said I didn’t get to opt out. He said our family had suffered enough. He couldn’t take any more and neither could Mum. He said he loved Jody too and he missed her terribly and then he broke down … I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I didn’t realize how bad it was for him, too. He really loved Jody. He was amazing with her. She adored him. He sobbed his heart out – it was horrendous to see his pain.’

  Tears ran down Lexie’s face. ‘It’s all so flippin’ tragic. Poor you and poor old Frank. He’s a big softie underneath it all, isn’t he?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes, he really is. I’d die without Frank. He’s my rock.’

  Lexie blew her nose. ‘What about Joan, then? I could see the tension between you two at dinner. You could have cut the air with a knife. It was like the time when my dad told my mum he was leaving her for the tart down the road. She excused herself, came back in with a saucepan and smacked him over the head with it. Knocked him unconscious, she did. Then she dragged him outside and hung a sign around his neck saying, “He’s all yours.”’ Lexie sighed and took a sip of her coffee. ‘Happy families, hey! Now, tell me about Joan.’

  Laura took a deep breath. It was hard for her to talk about Joan. ‘My mum spent most of those first months in bed. I honestly think she was paralysed by grief. She couldn’t look at me. Every time I went in to see her, she’d scream, “Murderer.”’

  Lexie looked shocked. ‘Bit harsh.’

  ‘She was heartbroken. You have to understand – Jody was like her own daughter. She worshipped her. If I’m being honest, Mum was the one raising her, not me. She just adored her granddaughter. For the first few weeks the doctor had to sedate her on a daily basis. After that she started taking sleeping tablets. Sometimes she slept for days.’ Her mother had stopped eating and turned into a shell of her former self. A woman with no will to go on … and all because of Laura.

  ‘It must have been hard for you to see that. Even more guilt, right?’ Lexie asked.

  Laura stared into her coffee cup. ‘Seeing the pain I’d caused her and Frank was just too much to bear. I couldn’t stand it so I decided to kill myself. It was the only solution. I had to make it stop. I thought it would be easy. I was used to cutting myself. I’d just have to cut my wrists a bit deeper and then all the pain, the hurt and the guilt would go away.’

  Lexie wiped her eyes. ‘You poor thing, you was only a kid. Thank God you’re still here. What happened to change your mind?’

  Laura smiled. ‘I discovered I was pregnant.’

  ‘Of course! Mandy!’ Lexie whooped. ‘Babes, this is way more interesting than my book. You should write your own life-story. It’s incredible! It’s got everything, drama, grief, family feuds, death, life … It’d be a bestseller. Now, tell me, how the hell did you get pregnant between drinking yourself into a coma and cutting yourself? Where did you fit in time for sex?’

  Laura told Lexie about David.

  About two months after Jody’s disappearance on the boat, Laura had gone out with Chloë and Hayley. They’d gone to a bar, sat in a dark corner, cried and got drunk. It was the only thing they could think to do. After a few hours some guys from Hayley’s economics class in college came over to talk to her. They stopped in their tracks when they saw Laura in the corner. No on
e knew what to say.

  ‘’S OK, sit down. I’m not infectious. At least, I don’t think I am,’ Laura had slurred.

  The guys had sat down, one of them, David, beside Laura. He was geeky, with glasses and curly hair – not the type Laura would ever go for.

  He had pushed his glasses up on to the bridge of his nose. ‘I’m sorry about your little girl.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Laura tried not to cry.

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’ he offered.

  ‘Double vodka.’

  They’d got drunker and drunker, and somehow Laura had ended up back in David’s apartment, listening to music and smoking joints. She had made the first move: she leaned over and kissed him. It had been completely spontaneous and had taken her by surprise. Suddenly she had wanted desperately to be kissed, to feel something, anything, other than pain. She had ripped her clothes off. She needed to feel loved. She needed sex. She needed a man to want her. She needed to feel like a person. She needed to feel something else, something other than grief … to see some other colour than orange.

  When she had woken up the next morning, he was fast asleep beside her. She had grabbed her things and run. She’d felt ashamed. She’d wanted never to see him again. How could she have slept with a stranger? Had she learned nothing from her past mistakes? What was wrong with her? She was a useless human being. She stayed in, refusing to go out, afraid of her actions, afraid of herself, wanting only to die …

  ‘When did you find out you was pregnant?’

  ‘About six weeks after that night, Joan woke up one morning, went into Jody’s bedroom and packed all of her things into boxes. I could hear her wailing as she folded her little dresses and vests. I swear, Lexie, it was like a knife piercing my heart. I just couldn’t handle it so I decided to commit suicide. I spent the day planning what to do, but I kept having to run to the bathroom to be sick. I thought I had a bug or something so I went to bed to rest for a few minutes and ended up falling asleep. I didn’t wake up until the next morning. I still felt awful, really sick and tired. I didn’t have the energy to kill myself. I stayed in bed and drifted in and out of sleep. When I finally got up later that day, I threw up again. Frank came into my bedroom to check on me and his aftershave made me run to the bathroom again – and that was when it hit me. Nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to smells and no period.’

  ‘You was pregnant!’ Lexie cheered. ‘I felt like that when I got pregnant, sick as a dog I was. Didn’t understand how any woman could carry a child full term feeling that bad. Anyways, I had my abortion then. I was nine weeks gone. I regret it because it’s made me barren, but I couldn’t have handled a baby at sixteen, no way. It would have ruined my life – well, that’s what I tell myself, anyway.’ She smiled grimly.

  ‘I’m so sorry. But you really should think about adopting. You’d be a lovely mum.’ Laura squeezed Lexie’s hand.

  ‘I will, when I get my money from that cheating snake. Now, back to you. You must’ve been delighted when you found out you was expecting?’

  Laura watched the waves breaking on the sand. ‘My immediate reaction was joy. I was happy, hysterically so. But then I felt incredibly sad, guilty and scared.’

  ‘Why? In case you messed up again?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I reckon it was God’s way of telling you to move on, to forgive yourself and get on with your life. The way I see it is that you only get one life, so when something knocks you sideways, you have to dust yourself down and keep moving forward. If I hadn’t had my boobs done, I’d be either dealing crack or stuck in some dump with six kids and a husband who beat me. We’re survivors, Laura, you and me, survivors.’

  ‘Mandy saved my life.’

  ‘Good old Mandy.’

  ‘And you’re right. It was a sign from God. It was a gift, actually, the gift of a second chance. So I stopped drinking and have just tried to be the best mum I can be. I’m determined to make up for my sins of the past. Since Mandy was born I’ve done everything I can to make her happy and keep her safe. I know she finds it claustrophobic, but I need to know where she is all the time. I can’t let her out of my sight. She’s my miracle.’

  Lexie’s eyes filled again. ‘She’s a lucky girl. To be loved like that is very rare. I’m going to love my kids like that. I was thinking I’d adopt them on my own.’

  ‘You should,’ Laura encouraged her.

  ‘Now I just need to write my book, make a shedload of cash and then go to Africa or Asia or whatever to get the babies. When I come back I’ll do a big magazine spread in a bikini, talking about how happy I am. I’m going to make Dougie sick with jealousy.’

  ‘It sounds like you have it all planned out.’

  ‘Too right, Laura. I’m going to make as much money as I can before my tits start dragging along the ground with my arse. My kids are going to have everything. I want them to go to good schools so they don’t have to do what I did to earn money. I want them to have proper jobs and be respectable.’

  ‘Good for you.’ Laura smiled at her.

  ‘I may be common, but I’m not thick.’ Lexie chuckled. ‘Now, tell me more! What did Joan say when she found out you was pregnant with Mandy?’

  Laura winced at the memory. ‘She freaked and called me a slut and accused me of trying to replace Jody and erase the past. But she came around when she saw Mandy.’

  ‘She’s hard, is Joan. You can see she’s suffered a lot in her life. What about David? Did you give it a go with him? I know he sounds a bit of a nerd but sometimes they make good partners. The flash bastards like Dougie are the ones to stay away from.’

  Laura shook her head. ‘No, I told him about the baby and he very sweetly offered to go out with me, but it would never have worked. I was a train wreck. I was still only half a person. I sometimes still think I’m not whole. Part of me died when Jody disappeared. But I was really lucky with David. He’s been a brilliant dad.’

  Laura hugged her knees as she told Lexie about the day Mandy was born. It was a warm autumn day, and David had been there to witness her arrival. Frank had waited outside, pacing the corridor nervously. Joan had refused to come to the hospital or to have anything to do with the baby.

  Laura hadn’t uttered a sound throughout the labour. She had refused all pain relief. The pain was her relief. She had embraced it, willed it. Every contraction was a joy to her. Life: she was creating it, not destroying it. She wasn’t completely worthless. She had a reason to live.

  But when Mandy had been born and the doctor had told her it was a girl, a sound came out of Laura’s mouth that made everyone stop. It was a primal scream, a howl, a broken-hearted wail for her lost baby. A calling, a yearning for what should have been, what could never be, a plea for forgiveness, a farewell cry.

  Mandy was placed in her arms. Laura had held her close, looked into her eyes and whispered, ‘I’ll keep you safe. I won’t let you down. I promise I won’t. I’ll be a good mum this time.’

  Both Frank and David had cried when they held her. Joan had come in the next day. She had ignored Laura, walked past her bed, and gone over to the cot where the baby was sleeping.

  ‘I’m calling her Mandy after Dad’s mum, Amanda,’ Laura had said.

  Joan didn’t react. Mandy wriggled, stretched her arms over her head and yawned. Then she opened her eyes and stared straight into Joan’s. Laura saw her mother flinch.

  Joan had put her bag down slowly and reached into the cot. Her hands were shaking. She picked the baby up and slowly, with quivering fingers, held her tiny face to her cheek. Laura had watched as Joan cried the silent tears of a broken woman who had begun to hope anew.

  Lexie dried her tears. ‘I swear that’s the most heartbreaking story I ever heard. Babes, you have been through the wringer! I can’t believe you’re so normal.’

  ‘I don’t know that I am,’ Laura said.

  ‘Believe me, I know a nutter when I see one. And look at all this.’ Lexie gestured at Laura’s studio. ‘You’re so talented and successf
ul.’

  ‘The success was slow in coming. I only started making good money in the last few years. But painting is my haven. I come in here and let my imagination run free. My emotions dictate the colours and my subconscious moves the brush.’

  ‘Wow, that’s amazing. So you never plan what you’re going to paint?’

  ‘I’ve tried to but it never works. My painting comes from in here.’ Laura pointed to her stomach. ‘The inspiration is buried somewhere deep down and I just have to surrender to it and let it lead me where it wants to go.’

  ‘That’s genius, that is.’ Lexie was impressed.

  ‘I don’t think so, Lexie. But I do know that art has been my escape. Painting has kept me sane. It’s kept me from spiralling into a black hole. This studio is my safe place. My switch-off.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. It’s a lovely space and the views are incredible. I could sit here all day looking out at the sea. It’s very soothing, innit?’

  ‘Yes, it really is. After Mandy was born, I had to get away from Dublin. I wanted to live in a small village where no one knew me or my story. Somewhere life was quiet and calm. I needed to get away from all the Jody memories and the accusing eyes and start afresh. There were only the two of us, so I wanted somewhere small. I couldn’t be too far from Dublin, so Mandy could see her dad and Frank and Joan whenever she wanted, and it had to have views of the sea. When I saw this property, I knew it was perfect. It was only forty minutes from Dublin and it had the quaint three-bedroom house with a separate garage that I converted into this studio.’

  ‘It’s perfect,’ Lexie said. ‘How often does Mandy see her dad, then?’

  ‘It used to be every second weekend, but since David got married eight years ago, it sometimes stretches to every third weekend. I’ve tried really hard to warm to his wife, Tanya, but she’s very cold.’

  Lexie rubbed her hands together. ‘Oooh, go on, tell me all. I like a good bitch.’

  ‘She’s a terrible snob. David’s a lawyer and he’s doing very well. They live in a very big house in Dublin and their children –’

  Lexie exclaimed, ‘Oh, yeah, I forgot he had other kids. Two girls, innit?’