This Child of Mine

by Sinéad Moriarty

  They both giggled.

  ‘Everyone knew he was gay,’ Sophie said.

  ‘I know! It’s so embarrassing. I obviously have a very bad gaydar. I never picked up on it.’

  ‘Your dad did, though.’ Sophie laughed.

  ‘Oh, God, poor Carl, he nearly died when Dad told him to stop hugging him every time someone scored.’

  It was while they were laughing that Sophie’s email pinged. She leaped across the bed, upending pizza all over her sheets.

  Laura Fletcher. OH, MY GOD!

  ‘It’s her! Holly, she wrote back to me!’ Sophie stared at the email, too afraid to open it. Holly scrambled over beside her.

  They stared at the name. Sophie was having difficulty breathing. Holly turned to her. ‘Do you want me to do it?’

  Sophie nodded.

  Holly clicked it open. Sophie leaned forward and tried to read the words but her eyes were swimming. Holly read it out. ‘Oh, my God, Sophie, she thinks you’re Jody. She’s coming over to meet you.’

  They screamed and jumped up and down. Sophie was seeing light green but also pink, which was her happy colour. She felt so relieved. Laura had written back! She didn’t think Sophie was mad. She thought Sophie was her Jody. Her daughter. Her abducted –

  ‘Holly! This means that my mum did steal me.’ Suddenly Sophie felt sick.

  Holly’s cheeks were flushed. ‘Sophie, do you realize that this is, like, the biggest story ever? When the media get hold of it you’re going to be so famous. They’ll do a book and a movie and maybe even a mini-series. You’ll be on Oprah and Ellen and Graham Norton and all the other talk shows.’ She clapped her hands together. ‘Can I be your personal assistant? I’d love it. I can help style you and deal with the media. We should probably call Max Clifford now. He’s the most famous publicist around. I bet he’ll get you millions for your story. It’s going to be fantastic. Now I won’t have to go to stupid horticulture and turf college with a bunch of wellington-wearing bumpkins whose idea of fun is skinning rabbits. I can hang out with you and all the other stars on the talk-show circuit. This is going to be so much fun.’

  ‘Holly! There won’t be any publicity. Do you understand? You are not to say a word to anyone. I swear if you tell a soul I’ll kill you. I need to get it all straight in my head. I’ve got to meet Laura and see if it’s really true.’

  ‘OK! I’m just telling you what’s going to happen. You need to be prepared. It’ll be the biggest story since – since the royal wedding.’

  Sophie grabbed her friend’s hands. ‘Holly, I’m serious. Promise you won’t say a word.’

  ‘I promise, and you know I never break my promises. Except that one time when I told Jason you fancied him. But I only did it for your own good and you did end up kissing him. It wasn’t my fault he was a terrible kisser and kept licking your face like a thirsty dog.’

  Sophie laughed despite herself. ‘OK. Now, come on, focus. What am I going to write back? Laura can’t come here. She can’t come to London – it’s too risky. Mum already suspects something’s up. Today’s her last day at work before the summer holidays. She’s going to stalk me for the next week until we go to France. She’s really paranoid at the moment because I keep asking her questions about the past.’

  ‘She should be too, considering she’s a criminal!’ Holly was indignant.

  Sophie chewed her fingernail. ‘I’ll have to go to Ireland and meet Laura there.’

  ‘What? Are you mad? Your mother will go completely bonkers.’

  ‘Obviously I’m not going to tell her. I’ll leave her a note or send her a text, but I won’t say where I’ve gone. I need a couple of days to meet Laura and figure out what happened and who the hell I am.’

  ‘You could say, “Gone to find myself.” It’s true and it doesn’t give anything specific away,’ Holly suggested.

  ‘When Mum finds out I’ve gone, she’ll come over and interrogate you,’ Sophie warned Holly.

  Her friend looked a bit frightened. ‘Your mum can be scary but I won’t break. I promise. I’ll be like one of those spies in the war when the Nazis tried to get them to give up their friends and they refused. They stood up straight, shoulders back, and hummed the national anthem while their nails were being extracted.’

  ‘Earth to Holly, all I need you to say is that you don’t know where I’ve gone but you’re sure I’m fine. I’ll text her every day so she doesn’t think I’m dead.’

  ‘Maybe you shouldn’t text her at all so she understands how poor Laura felt all those years ago when she thought Jody was dead.’

  Sophie softened. ‘I couldn’t do that to her. She’s my mum.’

  ‘But that’s the whole point, Sophie. Anna isn’t your mum.’

  Technically Holly was right, but Anna was the only mother Sophie had ever known. She couldn’t let her think she was dead. It was too cruel. ‘I’ll have to pretend I’m going to the movies with you and instead go to the airport.’

  ‘Why don’t I come with you?’ Holly offered.

  Sophie was tempted. It would be nice to have Holly there, but she had to do this alone. She needed to figure it out by herself. ‘No, thanks. I’ll be fine. But thanks for offering. If it all goes wrong I can call Mark – I have his address in Dublin. I won’t be stranded.’

  ‘All right. Let’s look up flights.’

  Holly found a flight from Heathrow to Dublin at three o’clock the next day. Sophie used the emergency credit card Anna had given her to book it. It was the only time she had ever used it.

  ‘Done!’ Holly looked up at her, beaming. ‘Your adventure begins now. This is the most exciting thing to happen … ever.’

  Sophie’s eyes were like saucers, and adrenalin was pumping through her veins. ‘Now I need to send Laura an email and tell her I’m coming. What shall I say?’

  Holly began to type:

  Thank you for your email. I would very much like to meet you too. But it’s better if I come to Dublin. So I’m flying in tomorrow. My flight lands at four fifteen. If you tell me the best place to meet you I’ll get a taxi there.

  ‘Perfect. Thanks, Holly. Send it before I change my mind.’ Holly pressed send.

  ‘Right, we need to find you something fabulous to wear. I’m not sure what the dress-code for long-lost-mother-daughter reunions is. Let’s Google it.’ Holly typed in ‘long lost mother and daughter reunions’: 270,000 results. ‘My God, Sophie, you’re not alone. Loads of people haven’t seen their mothers in years because they were stolen.’ Holly scrolled down the page. ‘Oh, my God, some of them have had terrible lives. You’ve been lucky. Anna’s a good mother. Look at this poor girl who was beaten up by the woman who stole her – and this one was taken and sold as a sex slave! Wow, things could have been a lot worse. You could have ended up in Thailand as a prostitute. Anna seems almost normal!’ Holly continued to scour the pages. ‘Lots of sad stories, but no information on what to wear. We’ll have to figure it out ourselves.’

  She opened Sophie’s wardrobe and began to pull things off hangers and down from the shelves. Sophie sat on her pizza-stained bed, too overwhelmed to argue.

  ‘What look do you want to achieve?’

  Sophie gestured helplessly. ‘Holly, I can’t think straight. I have no idea. I just want to look like me.’

  ‘Mm. Well, you can be a bit conservative at times and Laura is an artist, so I think you should try to shake it up a bit. On the other hand, you don’t want to look too desperate, too young, too old, too tarty or too square …’

  ‘Why can’t I just wear jeans and a T-shirt?’

  Holly sighed. ‘Because, Sophie, this is the most important meeting of your life.’

  She had a point.

  ‘And you want to look perfect. You want Laura to fall in love with you all over again. Thankfully, God gave you good genes so it’s not going to be difficult to make you look gorgeous. What about this red dress with the yellow scarf and these nude shoes?’

  ‘I’ve never really liked that dre
ss. Red is my colour for panic. Besides, those shoes are really high and uncomfortable. They’re sitting-down shoes, not walking-around shoes.’

  Holly waved them at her friend. ‘Sometimes you have to suffer for fashion.’

  ‘I’m not wearing them. I need to be comfortable. I don’t want to fall over on ridiculous heels when I meet Laura.’

  ‘It’s kind of like a first date,’ Holly said. ‘It’s important you look your best.’

  Sophie got up and walked over to the wardrobe. She pulled out a pink sundress with white daisies on it. Pink was her happy colour. ‘What about this?’

  Holly’s brow furrowed. ‘It’s a bit girly. And apparently it’s always freezing in Ireland. My aunt Hannah went over there for her summer holiday once and said it was cold and rainy even in August.’

  ‘I’ll check the forecast.’ Sophie looked up the weather on her laptop. ‘It says it’s going to be twenty-three degrees and sunny tomorrow.’

  ‘All right. Well, wear these wedges with it. They’ll make it a bit edgier.’

  Sophie tried on the dress and shoes.

  Holly looked her up and down and made her twirl around. ‘It’s a good look. Young, fresh, but not innocent, and the shoes give it a cool element. Now, what are you going to travel in?’

  ‘It’ll have to be jeans, a T-shirt and ballet pumps. I can’t get too dressed up to go to the cinema with you or Mum will suspect I’m lying.’

  ‘OK, wear your Seven jeans. They look really good on you. And you’d better take pyjamas and some extra T-shirts in case you end up staying a few days. You never know what might happen.’

  Sophie hadn’t thought of that. All she’d been thinking about was meeting Laura. But what if it went well and she wanted Sophie to stay for a few days so they could really get to know each other? Holly was right: she needed to be prepared. But she could only take a small bag or Anna would know something was up. She was already watching her more closely than usual.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking.’ Holly smiled. ‘Inspector Morse, a.k.a. Anna, will suspect something if you leave the house with a big bag. You can give me some clothes and I’ll put them in my backpack. I use it all the time for my pizza uniform so my mum won’t suspect anything.’

  Sophie squeezed her friend’s hand. ‘Thanks, Holly. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  ‘Don’t get emotional. You’ll only start me off. Right, come on, give me some T-shirts, a spare pair of jeans, some makeup, knickers and bras.’ Holly neatly folded the clothes and stored them in her backpack.

  An email came in. They both jumped and ran over to read it. It was from Laura: ‘I’m thrilled! I’ll be at the airport waiting for you. Don’t worry, I’ll recognize you. Thank you for coming over. I’m beyond happy.’

  ‘Oh, my God, Sophie, it’s real now. This is really happening.’ Holly looked a bit shaken. It was as if she had suddenly understood the magnitude of what her friend was about to discover.

  ‘Holly! This time tomorrow I’ll know who I am.’ Sophie felt afraid. She began to cry.

  Holly hugged her. ‘It’ll be OK … It’ll all work out.’

  ‘I hope so, I really hope so. I’m so confused.’ Sophie had a splitting headache. ‘I need answers. I need to know the truth.’

  ‘Of course you do, you poor thing. This has been such a shock for you. But, Sophie, I think you need a plan B,’ Holly warned her. ‘Just in case things go wrong, in case Laura isn’t who we think she is. She could be high on drugs when she collects you. Some people can function for years with serious drug habits. I saw this programme once about a singer. I think it was –’

  ‘Holly, if I need help when I get to Dublin, I can get in touch with Mark. I’ll only call him if I need him, though. Joe will be the first person Mum rings when she finds out I’ve disappeared. And Joe will call Mark and I don’t want Mark to have to lie to his dad for me. I’ll see how it goes with Laura first.’

  ‘No,’ Holly said firmly. ‘You have to speak to Mark before you go. You need someone over there who knows where you are and who can come to your rescue if anything goes wrong. This may not work out the way you hope. You may find out that Laura’s not your mum, or that she is but she’s a nutter.’

  Sophie looked at her friend, tears welling in her eyes. ‘Oh, God, what if she is mad? What if she’s a terrible person? She probably is, otherwise why would Mum have taken me?’

  Holly hugged her. ‘If you have any doubts, don’t go.’

  ‘I have to. I have to figure it all out. Otherwise I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering who I am. It’s already driving me insane and I’ve only known for a few days. I’ll end up in a strait-jacket if I don’t get answers to my questions.’

  ‘I’d be the same if it was me. Although there’s no doubt that I’m my mother’s flesh and blood – we have the same hazel eyes, mousy brown hair and big breasts. If it wasn’t for good hair dye and underwear, I’d be very lonely.’

  ‘You’re gorgeous.’

  ‘No, I’m attractive on a good day with a lot of effort. You, on the other hand, wake up looking like Scarlett Johansson. Now, I’ll have my phone on, and in credit, twenty-four/seven. If anything happens, call me. Even if nothing happens, call me. I’ll be desperate for all the details. And if you need me to come over, let me know and I’ll be on that plane like a shot. I’m making tons of tips at the pizzeria, the up-side of having big boobs, so I could even pay for a hotel in Dublin for us.’

  ‘Thanks, Holly.’

  Holly grinned at her. ‘Do you realize that this is like our own amazing reality-TV show? The Kardashians have nothing on us. I bet Piers Morgan wants the first interview. This could actually turn out to be an amazing adventure.’

  ‘Or a total disaster,’ Sophie said quietly.

  Holly put an arm around her. ‘Come on, Sophie, you’ve got the easy bit. I’m the one who has to deal with your mother when she finds out you’ve left the country!’

  20.

  Anna

  London, July 2011

  Anna was in the kitchen reading the paper when Sophie walked in. She was still in her pyjamas, enjoying a leisurely coffee on the first day of the summer holidays. The sun was beaming through the window, warming her toes. Anna loved the kitchen, which was painted a pale shade of lilac, Sophie’s colour for calm and peace. It was the hub of the house, where they ate together, talked together and ironed out any problems that arose.

  The kitchen walls had originally been magnolia. When Sophie was about five, Anna had painted them a pale mint, but when Sophie had seen it she had begun to scream. Anna thought she’d hurt herself but then she’d heard her say, ‘No, Mummy, bad colour, change it.’ That was the first time Anna had noticed the way Sophie linked emotions with colours.

  Initially she had panicked and thought Sophie was autistic. But after months of seeing specialist after specialist they had finally discovered it was synaesthesia. It had been a learning curve for Anna as she had never heard of it before. But when she had researched it and begun to understand it, she had stopped worrying. Now she looked on it as a gift: Sophie was so special that she saw the world in a unique, artistic way.

  ‘Morning.’ She smiled up at her daughter. ‘Are you hungry? Can I get you anything?’

  Sophie was dressed in jeans, flat navy pumps and a pink T-shirt. She turned her back to her mother and opened the fridge door. ‘No, thanks. I’m heading into town with Holly this morning. We’re going to pop into Top Shop and then go to the cinema.’

  Anna frowned. ‘Which one?’

  ‘The one in Putney.’

  It was close by, and Anna breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t want Sophie going to the cinema in Leicester Square. Too many unsavoury characters hung around there. She’d heard stories of drug dealers and prostitutes. She liked to have Sophie within walking distance. Safe.

  ‘So you’re coming straight back out from Oxford Street after you’ve gone to Top Shop?’

  ‘Yes,’ Sophie said, still rummagin
g in the fridge. ‘We’re going into town early to avoid the Saturday crowds and then we’re going to see the two o’clock showing of the new Robert Pattinson movie. It’s supposed to be good.’

  ‘Well, that sounds like a great plan. Will you come straight home afterwards, please? I want to take you out for dinner to celebrate the first day of the summer holidays and discuss the details of our trip to France.’

  ‘Fine.’ Sophie pulled out an Actimel, closed the fridge door and turned around. Anna was standing directly behind her. Sophie nearly jumped out of her skin. ‘God, Mum, you gave me a fright.’

  ‘Sorry, I just wanted to give you a hug. I’ve hardly seen you this week. You’re either sleeping or with Holly. I’m looking forward to spending time with you in France without phones, laptops and your friends calling in all the time. Just the two of us. I can’t wait.’

  Anna put her arms around Sophie, who was rigid. ‘Come on, Sophie, give your old mum a proper hug.’

  Sophie forced herself to lift her arms.

  ‘I love you, Sophie.’ Anna kissed her daughter’s cheek. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

  Sophie wriggled out of the embrace. ‘I’ve got to go, Mum. Holly’s waiting.’

  Anna was hurt. Sophie usually laughed when she hugged her. But now it felt as if she was allergic to her. ‘All right, see you later,’ she said, as cheerfully as she could.

  As Sophie was closing the front door, she turned back to look at her mother, her expression serious. ‘Goodbye, Mum.’

  ‘’Bye, darling, have fun.’ Anna waved as the door closed. She felt very uneasy. Something didn’t feel right. Her ulcer throbbed. This week had been strange and stressful. Sophie was avoiding her and being very secretive. What was going on? Was it a boy? Was she pregnant? Was she just trying to assert her independence? Or did she suspect something? Was she suspicious of her past? Had she found something? Anna went up to her daughter’s bedroom. Everything seemed normal. If anything, it looked tidier than usual. She went across to her own bedroom, knelt down and pulled back the rug. She pushed up the false floorboard, which hid a small safe. Anna entered the combination and the steel door of the safe clicked open.