This Child of Mine

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Her papers were all exactly as she had left them. Nothing had been tampered with. Hope’s birth certificate – which she had used for Sophie’s passport – was untouched. Her marriage and divorce papers were there too. So were her mother and father’s death certificates and all the photos she had of her wedding day, honeymoon and the interim years – moving into the new house with Barry, birthday celebrations, holidays, Christmases … their whole life together. Anna could see the deterioration of her marriage in the photos. As the years had passed their smiles had faded and their eyes had lost their brightness as happiness had drained away.

  She picked up some photos of her mother, looking healthy and happy on Anna’s wedding day, then increasingly unwell as the years slipped by. Anna looked at the last picture she had taken of her mother and whispered, ‘You’d love her, Mum. Sophie’s wonderful. The two of you would have got on so well. I wish you’d known her. I wish she’d known you. You would have been a fantastic grandmother. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you that.’

  Anna then took out the photos of Hope and the soft pink blanket that the hospital had wrapped her baby girl in. She buried her nose in it. The baby smell was long gone but it still made her feel close to Hope. She hadn’t done that in ages. She had only allowed herself to look forward, not back. She held the blanket to her cheek and allowed herself to shed a tear for her lost baby.

  She dried her eyes and scolded herself. She had no reason to feel sad when she had been given the gift of motherhood in the end. She had become a mother, after all, in spite of it all, because of it all.

  Anna put everything carefully back into the safe. Nothing had been touched; her secret was secure. Maybe Joe was right and Sophie’s curiosity was natural at her age. She was asking more questions about who her father was and Anna’s past because she was an adult now and she wanted more information. Anna needed to stay calm. She had to stick to her story. She mustn’t panic. It was normal: all children were inquisitive. Anna felt her tension ease.

  Anna tried Sophie’s number again. It was five thirty. The film Sophie had gone to see had finished at ten past four. Anna had called the cinema and checked. The walk home from there was only ten minutes. Where was she? Why was her phone switched off? Sophie knew Anna worried when she couldn’t get in touch with her. They had an agreement that if Sophie responded to texts and calls Anna would try to give her more freedom. Anna tried Holly’s phone. It was switched off too. Maybe they’d gone for coffee …

  Anna knocked on Nancy’s door.

  ‘Hello.’ Nancy was in her daily uniform of a Juicy Couture tracksuit. Today she was wearing her powder-blue one. She had them in eight different colours. She’d proudly shown them to Anna once. ‘Stylish yet comfortable,’ she’d claimed. Anna had nodded, but in fact she didn’t agree at all. She thought Nancy would have looked so much trimmer and smarter in tailored trousers and a shirt.

  ‘Come on in – I’m just making brownies. I could pretend they’re for the kids but they’re really for me. I’m not sure what my Weight Watchers leader would have to say about it. I’ll have to skip my weigh-in this week. I think there are about ten million calories in every bite.’

  The kitchen was a mess. The table was strewn with newspapers, magazines and unopened mail, now spattered with melted chocolate. Flour had spilled on the floor, along with some crushed walnuts that were now sticking to Anna’s shoes. ‘Nancy, is Holly back?’ Anna asked.

  ‘No, she’s working at the pizzeria tonight.’ Nancy turned around. ‘I know that worried face. Is Sophie late?’

  ‘Yes, very. It’s six now and the film they were going to see ended two hours ago.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, she probably went to the pizzeria with Holly.’

  Absentmindedly, Anna began to tidy the papers on the table. ‘Maybe, but neither of them is answering her phone.’

  The kitchen door swung open. ‘Yum, brownies!’ Jessie exclaimed, as she stuck a chubby finger into the mixture.

  Nancy swatted her away with a wooden spoon. ‘If you don’t want to end up like me you need to stay away from brownies.’

  ‘Well, you shouldn’t make them. It’s cruel. I’m going to report you to the NSPCC.’

  ‘Go ahead. They’re welcome to come and take you to a foster home so I can have some peace.’

  ‘Come on, Mum, let me lick the spoon.’

  ‘You can have one when they’re cooked.’

  ‘Jessie, have you seen Holly and Sophie?’ Anna asked.

  Jessie spun around, still licking brownie mixture off her finger. ‘No, but they’re probably looking at lesbian porn on their laptops.’

  ‘What?’ Anna was taken aback.

  ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t know they were gay!’

  ‘That’s enough of your cheek,’ Nancy scolded. ‘Ignore her, Anna, she’s just jealous because the girls never let her hang out with them.’

  ‘I don’t want to hang out with my sad older sister and her dorky friend, thank you very much.’ Jessie stuck her finger into the bowl again. ‘Why would I want to be associated with a pair of lezzers anyway? They’re total losers.’

  ‘So why do you follow them around like a lost puppy?’ Nancy winked at Anna.

  ‘I do not!’

  ‘Yeah, you do.’ Gordon came in bouncing a soccer ball. His jeans were hanging below his hips, revealing stripy boxer shorts. ‘You’re always trying to hang out with them. And it’s never going to happen. Accept it, you’re the short fat sister no one likes.’

  ‘I’m not fat!’

  ‘Sorry, I meant obese.’ Gordon laughed.

  ‘Stop that!’ Nancy snapped. ‘She is not obese or fat. She’s beautiful.’

  Gordon snorted. ‘You need to go to Specsavers, Mum, pronto.’

  Nancy sighed. ‘That’s enough. Anna’s worried about Sophie because she’s late home. Has anyone seen her?’

  No one had.

  ‘I’ll bet she’s gone to work with Holly. The pizza place never gets busy until seven. Holly probably asked her to keep her company,’ Nancy suggested.

  ‘I’ll pop up and see if she’s there,’ Anna said, keen to do something.

  ‘If I hear anything I’ll let you know,’ Nancy promised.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Anna peered through the window. She could see Holly in her uniform – red dress and white apron – talking to the barman. She went in and looked around. No sign of Sophie. Only two tables were occupied and a bored-looking waitress in the corner was filling salt cellars.

  Anna walked over to the bar. Holly had her back to her. She was asking the barman about cocktails.

  ‘Holly?’

  Holly turned, saw Anna, and dropped her tray. Thankfully, there were no drinks on it. Anna bent down to pick it up and handed it to Holly, who had gone very red.

  ‘I’m looking for Sophie. Is she here?’ Anna asked.

  Holly placed the tray on the bar. Her hands were shaking. ‘Um, no, she isn’t.’

  Anna stepped sideways so she could see Holly’s face. The barman moved away, sensing tension in the air. ‘Where did she go after the cinema?’

  ‘She, um, said she was going to have a look in the shops or go for a walk or something.’ Holly was avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Well, she hasn’t come home. What time did you leave her?’ Anna was really worried now.

  Holly began to line up the bar stools. ‘I guess about five.’

  ‘It’s almost seven now. The shops are closed and her phone is switched off.’

  ‘I’m sure she’ll be back soon,’ Holly said, still avoiding Anna’s eyes.

  She seemed so nervous, Anna thought. Something was up. She willed herself to remain calm. ‘Holly, you need to tell me where Sophie is. Is she with a boy?’

  ‘Gosh, no.’ Holly looked at Anna for the first time.

  ‘Well, where is she?’

  Holly looked at her watch. ‘Right now, I can honestly say I don’t know.’

  Anna put a firm hand on Holly’s arm. ‘I�
�m worried about my daughter and I need to find her. Please don’t lie to me.’

  Holly pushed a stray hair behind her ear. ‘I’m not. I really don’t know where she is now.’

  ‘All right. Where was she going when you last saw her?’

  ‘Like I said, to look around the shops.’

  ‘Holly, I don’t –’ Anna’s phone beeped. She grabbed it out of her pocket. It was a message from Sophie: I’ve gone away for a few days. Don’t worry. Don’t look for me. I’m fine.

  Anna gasped. She waved the phone in front of Holly’s face. ‘What the hell does this mean?’

  Holly looked at the message but said nothing.

  Anna’s fingers trembled as she tried to call Sophie back but, once again, her daughter’s phone was turned off. Something really bad was going on, she could feel it. She had sensed it this morning. She had to find out what it was. Sophie had never left home like this before. Anna felt sick. She grabbed Holly’s arm again. ‘You’d better tell me what the hell is going on or I swear I’ll start screaming this restaurant down. Where is Sophie?’

  ‘I can’t say, I promised I wouldn’t.’

  Anna felt bile rising in her throat, and her ulcer was pulsing. ‘Is she in danger? Did she go away with a strange man?’

  Holly pulled her arm back and rubbed it. ‘No. It’s nothing like that.’

  ‘So where is she?’

  ‘I’m not going to tell you.’

  Anna gritted her teeth. ‘Oh yes you are.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  Anna pulled Holly out on to the street. She let the restaurant door slam shut. The barman followed them and poked his head outside. ‘Is everything OK here, Holly?’

  ‘It’s fine, Alex, thanks. It’s just my friend’s mum. She’s worried about her.’

  ‘I’ll be inside if you need me.’ He stared pointedly at Anna.

  When he had gone, Anna turned on Holly. ‘If you don’t tell me where Sophie is I’m going to drag you to the police station and let them interrogate you.’

  Holly crossed her arms. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

  How dare she speak to her like that? Holly had never been rude to her before. What on earth was going on?

  ‘I don’t think you want the police involved in this.’ Holly stuck her chin out defiantly.

  ‘Is it drugs?’ Anna’s head was spinning. ‘Is that what this is? Have you taken drugs? Did Sophie have a bad reaction? Is she in hospital?’

  ‘Of course not! Come on, this is Sophie we’re talking about!’

  ‘Well, then, what?’

  Holly took a deep breath. ‘I’m just saying that it’s a bad idea for you to get the police involved, considering.’

  Anna narrowed her eyes. ‘Considering what exactly?’

  ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It matters very much. What has Sophie got herself into?’

  Holly glowered at Anna. ‘It’s not Sophie who got herself into it.’

  ‘Who, then?’

  ‘I’m not saying.’

  ‘Is she in bad company?’

  ‘That depends.’

  Anna’s blood was beginning to boil, her ulcer was blazing, and she wanted to smack Holly’s defiant face. ‘Depends on what?’ she shouted.

  ‘On lots of things.’

  ‘Jesus Christ, Holly, stop talking in riddles. Is Sophie in danger?’

  ‘I told you she’s not.’

  ‘Who is she with and where has she gone?’

  Holly paused, then smiled. ‘She’s with someone who is close to her and she’s gone somewhere that you know well.’

  ‘WHAT?’

  ‘I can’t say any more.’

  ‘That’s it! I’m taking you to the police! I’ve had enough of your games. This is not funny, Holly. Sophie is my only child – she’s all I have in the world. If anything happened to her I’d die. Do you understand? Die!’ She began pulling Holly towards the police station across the road from the pizzeria.

  ‘I’m not going to the police!’

  ‘Yes, you are.’

  ‘You’ll be sent to jail!’ Holly shouted.

  Anna stopped. ‘Me?’

  ‘Yes, you.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For what you did.’ Holly glared at her.

  Anna’s heart skipped a beat. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘You know exactly what I’m talking about.’

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘Sophie knows.’

  ‘Knows what?’

  Holly leaned in. ‘That you’re not her mother.’

  Anna’s legs crumpled. She only managed to stay upright because she was holding on to Holly. ‘What do you mean?’

  Holly supported her and steadied her. ‘We know about Laura and Jody, her little girl on the boat, who everyone thought drowned. But she didn’t drown, did she?’

  Anna could barely breathe. ‘How?’

  Holly took a step back and buried her hands in her apron. ‘It doesn’t matter how. The important thing is that she knows and she’s gone to Ireland to meet her real mother. How could you, Anna? How could you do that?’

  The words came from Anna’s lips like bullets: ‘Don’t you dare judge me. Don’t you dare accuse me. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You have no idea what happened. You don’t understand anything. You have no idea of the person you’re dealing with. You’ve sent Sophie into the arms of a terrible woman. An abusive drunk who treated her like dirt. My poor Sophie. Oh, God, what have you done?’ Anna began to cry. Her body heaved with emotion. The shock of finding out that Sophie knew what she had done. Knew that she wasn’t hers. Knew that she had taken her. Knew that she had lied to her. Knew that she wasn’t her real mother … Oh, God. Anna bent over and retched as the pain of her ulcer ripped into her.

  Holly crouched down. ‘Are you all right? Anna, you look awful – do you need a doctor? Should I call an ambulance? I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to make you ill.’

  Anna put her hand on Holly’s shoulder and heaved herself upright. The pain was excruciating. She gulped air into her lungs and tried to suppress the terror creeping up her body. Sophie knew the truth … Her worst fear had come true. Try as she might, she could not stop crying. Holly hopped from one foot to the other, apologizing and handing Anna paper napkins that she had in her apron. Her eyes were like saucers – she had never seen anyone in such distress.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Anna. I’d no idea that Laura was a bad person. I was just trying to help my friend. Sophie’s really upset and confused and I’m trying to be supportive. She wanted to meet Laura and she seemed so normal.’

  ‘Well, she isn’t!’

  Holly began to sob. ‘I swore to Sophie I wouldn’t tell you where she was. I promised faithfully and now I’ve let her down, too. This is a total disaster. I don’t know what to believe any more, and Sophie’s going to kill me when she finds out I spilled the beans. Look, I’m sorry I was mean and rude – it just all seemed … well … wrong. I never meant to upset you so much,’ Holly whimpered.

  Anna clenched her fists and took a deep breath. She needed to calm the situation and take control. She couldn’t let Holly go back to work hysterical and tell everyone what was going on. She had to get her to keep this information to herself, no matter what.

  She laid a hand gently on Holly’s arm. ‘It’s OK, Holly. Don’t get upset. I’ll sort this all out. It’s a misunderstanding. I need to talk to Sophie and explain everything to her. In the meantime I need you to promise me that you won’t tell another soul – not even your mum – about this. If she asks where Sophie and I have gone, just say we went on holidays early. I need you to promise me, Holly. Do it for Sophie. She needs time to process the information and to understand what actually happened. It’s not what you think at all. I saved Sophie’s life. I understand that it’s confusing for you, and I promise I’ll explain it to you later. But for now I have to go and see Sophie. Do you know where this woman lives?’

>   Holly stopped crying and wiped her eyes with her hands. ‘Her name’s Laura Fletcher and she’s an artist. There’s an address on her website. Oh, God, is she a psycho? Is she, like, a stalker or something? Did we get it all wrong? Is Sophie really in danger now?’

  Anna sighed. ‘This Laura Fletcher is not a nice person. I need to get Sophie out of there. But remember, Holly, say nothing.’

  Holly nodded vigorously. ‘I swear on my life.’

  Anna patted her shoulder. ‘Good girl. Now, go back to work and try to forget about it. I’ll fix this. I want you to stop worrying. It’s all going to be fine. I’ll have Sophie back home safely in no time.’

  Before Holly could say anything else, Anna hurried away, trying to suppress the scream rising in her throat.

  She turned on her laptop and Googled Laura Fletcher, Irish artist. It was a name she had never wanted to know. The web page sprang up. Anna stared at the picture of Sophie’s mother. She was the image of Sophie. Anna felt sick. She went into Laura’s bio page – it just said she was an artist and had one daughter. Then on a different page, she found a photo and a painting of the daughter as a toddler. Sophie.

  She may look normal but she’s a drunk, a useless, cruel, neglectful drunk, Anna thought. She had no right to look after that child – she couldn’t look after it. She was incapable. She passed out. If it hadn’t been for me, the baby would have drowned or been taken by some paedophile.

  Sophie was lucky Anna had come along: she had saved her from a life of misery and neglect. She had been in mortal danger and Anna had had to help her. She’d had to …

  Anna went into the bathroom and took four painkillers. Her stomach was agonizing and her head throbbing. She had to compose herself. She needed to think straight. First she must book an early flight to Dublin. She went online. She was too late to leave tonight but she could get on a plane at six thirty in the morning. She booked a seat, then went back to Laura Fletcher’s website and took down the address of her studio. Anna didn’t recognize the name of the village – Killduf. She looked it up. It was forty miles outside Dublin. She’d have to hire a car.