This Child of Mine
Page 21
She needed help. She needed to talk to someone she trusted completely, someone who knew her, someone who wouldn’t judge.
‘Joe?’
‘Anna, hi.’
‘Help.’
‘What’s wrong? Is it Sophie?’
‘Yes.’ Anna’s composure crumbled. She told Joe that Holly had just admitted Sophie had run away to Dublin. ‘Did she call you? Or Mark?’
‘No. Mark’s here now. Hang on.’ Joe asked his son if he’d heard from Sophie but he hadn’t.
‘What happened? Did you have a fight?’ Joe asked.
‘No. She’s gone to Ireland to find her mother.’
‘What? I thought you adopted her in England?’
‘I did,’ Anna lied, ‘but her mother was Irish.’
‘How did Sophie find her?’
‘I don’t know. Holly was vague on the details. She said Sophie flew to Dublin this afternoon to meet this woman and I’m scared, Joe.’ Anna began to cry hysterically. ‘I’m terrified. The woman is a drunk. Sophie has no idea what she’s letting herself in for.’
‘Christ, do you know where she lives?’
Anna’s mobile beeped. ‘Hang on, it’s a message from Sophie.’ Anna read it out: ‘Holly texted you’re coming to get me. DON’T. I’m fine. I’m with my real mother. I need space to think.’
‘Thank God she’s all right,’ Joe said.
Anna tried to call her back but Sophie had switched off her phone again. ‘What will I do, Joe? I have to find her. I’ve booked the first flight over.’
‘Don’t panic. I’ll pick you up from the airport and we’ll figure out what to do. Maybe Sophie would talk to me.’
‘Thanks. You’re a life-saver. I can’t bear my Sophie to be with some other woman. I’m her mother. I raised her. She’s mine,’ Anna sobbed out.
‘Of course you’re her mother,’ Joe soothed her. ‘But you have to let her find out where she came from. All adopted children are curious. It’s natural, Anna. You have to let her meet her biological mother. It’s a rite of passage. She’s entitled to do it. I know it’s difficult for you, but it’s something Sophie obviously feels strongly about.’
‘You don’t understand … This woman is – is awful.’
‘Why don’t you try ringing the adoption agency and see if you can get a name and address for her?’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s complicated. It’s not that straightforward.’
‘Anna,’ Joe’s voice was serious, ‘you did adopt her properly, didn’t you? You didn’t cut corners or dodge paperwork, did you?’
‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’d better go. I land at seven forty.’
‘I’ll be there.’
‘Thanks.’
Anna covered her face with her hands. She hadn’t cut any corners: she’d bulldozed them down.
21.
Laura
Killduf, July 2011
Laura had been awake all night. Jody was alive! She was alive! She was going to see her in a few hours. It was a miracle, the one she’d been praying for every day for so many years. She tossed and turned, lurching from ecstatic joy to terror. What if Jody didn’t recognize her, or like her, or want to spend time with her? What if she remembered Laura shouting at her and being a terrible mother? Oh, God, she prayed Jody wouldn’t remember that. She had loved her so much in her heart since the day she had vanished. The day when Laura had finally grown up and realized – too late – that she had a precious daughter who had gone. Hopefully, Jody would sense that. Hopefully, she would feel Laura’s love for her. Oh, the joy of seeing her baby’s face again … of holding her in her arms … her precious girl …
Eventually Laura gave up on sleep and went downstairs to make herself a coffee. The house was quiet; everyone was asleep. She pulled on a cardigan and took her mug outside. She tiptoed over the dewy grass and sat on the bench in the garden to watch the sun rise over the sea. Usually something so beautiful would make her cry, but today it made her smile and laugh for pure joy. If anyone had been watching her they would have thought she was completely insane.
Eventually she went into the house and tried to meditate but her mind was racing. Too many memories flooded her brain. Lots of images of Jody giggling, her funny little wobbly walk, sleeping in her Minnie Mouse snuggle suit, clapping her hands when Joan sang ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It’ … Images that Laura had long ago suppressed and pushed to the bottom of her soul came rushing back to her. The memories and emotions brought an array of strong colours to her mind – blues and purples: oh, the joy!
Time seemed to stand still. Every time she looked at the clock, the hands didn’t seem to have moved. Laura wished the day away. At twenty past four I’ll see her. My baby, my Jody. She felt sick with anticipation as she gazed out of the kitchen window at the sky, smiling to herself.
‘What are you doing?’ Mandy asked.
Laura jumped. ‘You gave me a fright. I’m just enjoying the view.’ She went over to her daughter and hugged her.
Mandy squealed and pushed her away. ‘Get off me, Mum! What are you doing?’
‘I’m hugging you because I love you.’
‘Have you been eating magic mushrooms for breakfast?’
Laura threw back her head and laughed. ‘No, I’m just in a really good mood.’
‘Well, keep your hands to yourself. Go and hug a tree or something.’ Mandy went to put on some toast.
‘Let me do that. You sit down and I’ll make it for you.’
‘No, Mum, it’s fine.’
‘Please let me. I want to.’
Mandy shrugged. ‘OK.’ She sat down at the small round table in the corner of the kitchen and eyed her mother suspiciously.
‘Mornin’ all.’ Lexie shuffled through the door in lace-trimmed cream satin shorts and a camisole to match.
‘Coffee?’ Laura asked.
‘I’d love one.’
‘Fantastic!’ Laura enthused, filling the kettle and humming while she scooped the coffee into the mugs.
‘You seem very chipper this morning, Laura,’ Lexie noted.
‘She’s being really weird,’ Mandy said, chewing at one of her already bitten nails. ‘Be careful – she might try to hug you too.’
‘What – a mother actually trying to hug her own child? I’ll have to call Social Services.’ Lexie giggled.
Mandy rolled her eyes. ‘I don’t like hugs.’
Lexie raised her arms over her head and stretched like a cat. ‘I’d have loved a few cuddles when I was your age. For my sixteenth birthday, which she forgot, my mum gave me two packets of duty-free cigarettes.’
‘Oh, Lexie!’ Laura sympathized, as she buttered the toast.
‘I’d love it if Mum gave me cigarettes,’ Mandy said. ‘How cool is that?’
‘Smoking is not cool, darlin’. It gives you wrinkles round your mouth. Don’t bother with it. I smoked for years, mostly to stop me shoving cream cakes down my gob, but Dougie hated it. He said it was like sleeping with an ashtray, so I gave up.’
‘Was it hard?’ Mandy wanted to know.
Lexie snorted. ‘Does Jordan sleep on her back? Too right it was. I put on a stone in two months. Dougie said he’d have to book two seats for me on the plane if I kept eating chocolate éclairs every time I went out.’
‘What did you do?’ Mandy asked.
‘Dougie stuck pictures of supermodels all over the kitchen, so every time I went to get a snack, some gorgeous girl was staring at me.’
Mandy frowned. ‘What a dickhead. Did it work?’
‘Yeah, it did. I lost the weight, but it didn’t stop him cheating on me. I should have just kept eating.’
‘He sounds like an arsehole,’ Mandy said.
‘He is. You should write one of your angry songs about him. Call it “Dougie’s A Dickhead”.’ Lexie cackled.
‘There you go, two cafés au lait.’ Laura put down the cups.
Lexie looked up at her.
‘You’re cheery this morning. What’s goin’ on? Hot date planned?’
Laura laughed. She felt like a teenager today. ‘You could say that.’
Mandy banged her mug down, spilling some coffee. ‘What? Seriously? A date?’
‘Don’t look so surprised, Mandy. Your mum’s a looker. She reminds me of that Scarlett Johansson.’
‘Her mother maybe.’ Laura winked at Lexie. She had an urge to climb on to the table and scream, ‘SHE’S ALIVE!’ Instead she sat beside them and tried to behave normally.
‘Don’t put yourself down. There’s plenty out there that’ll do that for you. You do look like Scarlett, bit older maybe, but still hot.’
‘Who are you meeting?’ Mandy was put out.
‘I’m just joking. It’s not a date, just a very important appointment,’ Laura reassured her daughter. ‘I’ll be gone for a couple of hours this afternoon. Lexie, can you keep an eye on Mandy?’
‘For God’s sake, Mum, I’m sixteen not six.’
‘I know, but I just –’
‘Don’t worry, darlin’, I’ll be here. We might pop into the village for our tea. Do you fancy it, Mandy?’
‘What if someone sees you?’ Mandy asked.
‘Sod it, I need to get out. Besides, I don’t reckon too many paparazzi hang out in this neck of the woods. More likely to bump into a ghost than a photographer.’
‘A ghost,’ Laura muttered to herself. ‘That’s exactly who you might be about to meet.’
Laura changed six times. She wanted to look appropriate. But she didn’t know what that meant. She was a thirty-seven-year-old mother who was about to meet her long-lost child. What did you wear for something like that? A suit? A formal black dress? Jeans and a nice top? Laura tried several different outfits but in the end she opted for a blue dress, her happy colour. It was a simple cotton maxi and she wore a short-sleeved cardigan over it and flat silver sandals.
She took out the photos she had of Jody in her bedside locker and placed them carefully in her bag. She glanced at the clock. It was only twelve thirty. This day would never end.
Her phone rang. It was Frank. ‘Are you sitting there watching the clock?’ he enquired.
‘Yes.’
‘Jesus, me too. I can’t sit still. I’ve been up all night. I met this cracking Swedish model at a book launch last night. I brought her back to the house and she’s ripping the clothes off me but all I can think about is Jody. Eventually she left in a huff. She said it was obvious I was thinking about another woman!’
‘Technically you were.’ Laura laughed.
‘I’m sitting in the office but I can’t concentrate. Why don’t you come up to Dublin early and we’ll go for coffee somewhere near the airport and kill an hour?’
‘I’d love that.’
‘Have you changed your mind about the airport?’
‘No. I still want to go on my own. I’ll call you when I’ve had time to talk to her. I don’t want to crowd her with people. It’s just going to be me and her.’
‘I’m worried you might faint with the shock of it or something might go wrong.’
Laura tucked the phone under her ear and began to tidy her discarded clothes. ‘I know, and thanks, Frank. But this is something I have to do by myself.’
‘I found some pictures of Jody for you. I’ll give them to you when I see you.’
‘Thank you.’ Laura felt a lump forming in her throat.
Frank paused. Then, with a quiver in his voice, he said, ‘It’s just …’
‘I know.’
‘To think …’
‘I know.’
‘After all these years …’
‘I know.’
‘Alive!’
Laura closed her eyes. ‘She’s come back to us, Frank. Jody’s coming home.’
Laura arrived at the airport at three o’clock. She wanted to be there, near the planes, when Jody’s flight left Heathrow. She wanted to be in the airport for the whole time Jody was in the air. She wanted to be the first person Jody saw when she walked out of the arrivals gate.
While she was waiting she took out the photos Frank had given her. She hadn’t seen them in years. Frank throwing Jody up in the air; Frank holding Jody on his shoulders, her face beaming with delight; Jody asleep on Frank’s chest as he lay on the couch watching TV; Frank giving Jody a bottle; Frank reading Jody a story; Frank, Jody and Joan on her christening day …
Laura hadn’t said anything to Joan. She couldn’t. Not until she knew for certain. Not until she had held Jody in her arms. Not until she knew Jody was OK. Then, if everything went well, she’d tell her mother. She was genuinely worried that Joan’s heart would stop with the shock of it.
How do you tell a woman who has spent years mourning the loss of her little granddaughter that she was alive all the time? That for all those years she had grieved, Jody was living and growing up with someone else. Some psycho bitch who had stolen her. Laura felt her blood pressure rising. This woman, whoever she was, would pay for kidnapping her child. Laura would make her suffer the way she had suffered. What type of a sick, evil person would abduct someone else’s child? Yellow. All she could see was yellow, as rage overtook her.
She closed her eyes. She needed to stop. She didn’t want to be angry when Jody arrived. She wanted to be happy, joyful, loving. She blocked the woman out of her mind and went back to the photos. Her heart-rate slowed and she allowed blue to take over from yellow.
Laura was shaking as she stared at the arrivals gate. Every time the door slid open, she thought she’d have a heart attack. Everything was a blur, except that door. She stared and watched and waited … and waited …
Finally, she walked out. Laura clutched her chest.
Jody looked around. She was fidgeting with her bag and seemed very nervous. Laura tried to lift her hand to wave but it wouldn’t move. She tried to call out to her daughter but her voice was silent. She tried to walk over to her, but her feet were stuck to the ground.
Jody looked to the left, to the right and finally straight ahead, where Laura was standing. She stopped dead. Their eyes locked. Neither of them moved. While all around them people hugged, kissed, cried, cheered, laughed, pulled and pushed bags and trolleys and buggies, they stood still and stared. Drinking each other in. Too much to say, too much to process, too much emotion, too much love, too much pain, too much sorrow, too much joy, too much …
Jody was breathtaking. She looked the same as her beautiful baby-self, just older. The same gorgeous blonde curly hair, rosebud mouth, blue eyes, button nose … Oh, God! Laura’s legs buckled.
A woman behind her jostled her to get by. Laura snapped out of her trance and back to reality. She moved forward, as if in a dream, arms open, but when she reached Jody, the girl took a step back.
Laura put her arms down. She had to take it slowly. She must be gentle with this fragile child. She longed to put her arms around Jody, hold her and kiss her and love her … her baby … her Jody. She had waited so long for this moment, but she could see that Jody was terrified. She forced herself to hold back, to suppress the yearning to be physically close to her long-lost angel.
She held out her hand. ‘I’m Laura.’
Jody shook it politely. ‘I’m Sophie.’
Laura flinched. She wanted to shout, ‘No, you’re not. You’re Jody. I gave birth to you, I christened you. You’re not Sophie, you’re Jody, my Jody.’ But she didn’t. Instead she said, ‘It’s very nice to meet you.’
‘You too. You look so … we look so …’ Sophie’s eyes began to water.
‘Alike? Yes, we do.’
‘I’m very … um … well … confused.’ Sophie was crying now.
Laura put an arm gently around her. ‘It’s OK. This is all very overwhelming. I feel exactly the same.’
‘I’m sorry. I just can’t get my head around it. It’s so … well … kind of insane, really.’
‘I know it is. Look, let’s get out of here and go somewhere quiet where we can talk. T
here’s a hotel nearby where we can sit down and be alone.’
‘That sounds like a good idea.’ Sophie walked ahead, moving away from Laura’s arm.
Laura watched her, tall, elegant, beautiful. She seemed very together. She didn’t look damaged, not on the outside anyway.
Sophie turned around. ‘Which way?’
‘My car’s over here.’ Laura caught up with her and led her to it.
Neither of them spoke on the journey to the hotel. It was so strange. There was so much Laura wanted to say but she didn’t know where to begin. How do you fill in seventeen years of a life? How do you explain what it’s like to see a ghost? How do you explain what a miracle feels like?
Laura could feel Sophie’s tension. They walked into the hotel and Laura led Sophie to a couch in the corner of the lobby. It was the same one she had sat on with Frank only a few hours earlier. Sophie sat at the far end, fidgeting nervously. They ordered coffee, then looked at each other. Sophie lowered her eyes.
Laura broke the silence. ‘I’ve been waiting for this moment for seventeen years. And now that you’re here I’m tongue-tied. I want to know every single detail of your life. I want to know where you’ve been all this time and if you’re OK. What your life has been like. School, friends, what food you eat, what books you read … everything. But first I have to know, have you been harmed or hurt in any way?’
‘No, not at all. I’ve had a very nice life. My mother –’
Laura recoiled. She felt as if she’d been shot.
Sophie bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry but … well … she is my mother, as in, I thought she was my mother but now I’m not sure.’
Laura willed herself to be calm. ‘It’s OK.’ She tried to work out how to make Sophie understand that there was no doubt. She was Jody. The minute Laura had seen her in the airport she had known. All doubt had died when she’d set eyes on her. Visual proof, she thought, that’s what I need. She pulled out the photos from her bag. ‘I want to show you these. I think they’ll prove to you that you’re my daughter.’