Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  “This is Dolazar. I believe you've met.”

  Cooper sneered at Dolazar. “Yeah, we've met alright. She pretended to be you and tried to seduce me for information.”

  Dolazar gasped. “Not a single word of that is true!”

  “I want you to know,” Cooper said to Stacy. “I was a total gentleman.”

  “Also not true!”

  “Dolazar and I have reached an agreement. She and her men are going to help us find Tim.”

  “That's nice.” Cooper farted nervously. “It would have been really nice to know that half an hour ago.”

  Stacy frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  Cooper sighed. “You should probably follow me.” He led them back through the doorway leading back to his pit and briefly lost his hearing again.

  “Whoa,” said Stacy when she walked through. “What just happened?” She moved her goggles up to her forehead.

  “It's a Silence barrier,” said Dolazar, looking directly at Stacy as she spoke now that there was a little bit of light. “I had it installed so that prisoners in different chambers wouldn't be allowed to communicate with each other.” She sighed and continued following Cooper's lead. “I suppose I have much to learn about keeping and interrogating prisoners. You were my first two, and you both escaped independently of each other. Mayhap I did not deserve this promotion. I shall likely be demoted back to team member again. After all that hard work and – AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

  Now that Cooper had spent a few minutes away from it, he was able to take in the scene with more objective eyes. Dolazar's reaction was not unwarranted. The water was dark red, with mangled body parts bloating on the surface. It was some grisly shit.

  Maybe you should apologize?

  Nabi didn't sound too sure of herself, but Cooper figured it couldn't hurt to try. He cleared his throat. “I'm sorry I chopped up your friends.”

  On second thought, maybe you were better off remaining quiet.

  When she regained her composure after seeing pieces of her dead friends floating in Cooper's shitwater, Dolazar sighed. “I am definitely getting demoted.”

  Chapter 18

  If there was some trick to preparing or cooking shark meat so that it didn't taste awful, nobody in Katherine's crew knew what it was.

  “This tastes like piss,” said Tony the Elf with a large chunk of the chewy meat in his mouth. “And I don't just mean bad. I mean it literally tastes like piss.”

  “Sharks urinate through their skin,” Katherine explained, not realizing before now that this was a thing she knew. She sighed. “Thanks for that, Knowledge Nature skill. I'm so glad I know that.”

  “At least it's keeping us alive,” said Frank through a chunk he'd been gnawing on for a while. Finally, he closed his eyes and swallowed. “I'm sorry for how I acted before. I've been under a lot of stress lately.”

  “Apology accepted. It takes a big man to admit that he was being a total asshole.” Katherine supposed there were more gracious ways to accept an apology, but she didn't want to let him off without at least a slap on the wrist. She was being sincere, though. It was big of him to apologize openly in front of everyone rather than grumble some half-assed sorry when he spotted her alone.

  It must have been a conscious effort on his part. With his leadership experience at the Whore's Head, he would know the morale value of apologizing openly within earshot of the crew; he was vouching for her to those who looked up to him. He must have come to terms with the fact that cooperating with her and following her lead was the best shot all of them had. That was a little bit terrifying.

  As grateful as Katherine was for the gesture, there was similar value to making Frank eat some shit about it. She needed the rest of the crew to respect her. She would prefer to not have to flog anyone, so she decided to start with passive-aggressive barbs and work her way up from there as needed.

  “I didn't mean to sound ungrateful,” said Tony the Elf. “It was just an observation. I think it's amazing that you went head-to-head with a shark and came out the winner.”

  Katherine smiled. “Thank you.” She shifted her gaze to Frank to let him know that some of that was meant for him as well.

  “There's so much meat on that shark,” said Fritz. “I'd guess more than all of us could eat in a week. We might consider using some of it as bait to catch something that tastes less like piss.”

  “All right!” said Katherine. “Now we're thinking outside the box.” She couldn't believe how much more cooperative everyone was being.

  Tanner must have noticed it, too. He stopped gobbling up chunks of shark meat like piss was his favorite ice cream flavor and cocked an eyebrow at Katherine.

  “Why don't you tell us what happened on Nazere?” he said. “How did you defeat the Ice Queen?”

  Katherine thought for a moment, first of the events that actually transpired, then of how she might take some artistic liberties with how she presented them.

  “Pretty much the same way you catch a fish,” she said. “I baited the hook, waited for her to bite, then reeled her in.”

  Tanner nodded slowly. “I assume you mean that metaphorically?”

  “Of course.” Katherine picked up a chunk of shark meat. “The bait was Basil.”

  “She had a weakness for herbs?” asked Rhonda.

  “Basil is the name of Randy's pet basilisk. The Ice Queen took an interest in him because his eyes had been removed.”

  Rhonda grimaced. “What kind of fetish is that?”

  Katherine tried to not make her annoyance evident in her voice. “A basilisk's gaze can turn a person to stone. Having no eyes, Basil presented no such threat to her, and she thought she might be able to use a giant eight-legged reptile for manual labor in her tunnels.”

  Tanner cleared his throat. “Are we safe to assume that you do not mean that metaphorically?”

  Katherine shot him an annoyed glare. He was as bad as Rhonda. Then she realized that he was probably asking for others' clarification rather than his own.

  “That is correct,” she said as politely as she could force. “I allowed her to capture us. Then, when she least suspected it, I fed Basil a Regeneration potion I'd been hiding. Basil grew his eyes back, and the Ice Queen became an ill-fated statue of herself.”

  So she didn't give Denise the credit she deserved. Fuck Denise. Tanner had set Katherine up to recount this story in order to make her look like even more of a badass while her crew was in a receptive mood. Unfortunately, everyone looked more horrified than impressed. Even Tanner looked a little shocked by what she'd just said.

  “What's wrong?” she asked.

  “It seems kind of cruel,” said Rhonda.

  “What?” Katherine scanned her audience and assessed that they all agreed with Rhonda. “Are you guys fucking kidding me? That frosty bitch owned an island full of slaves! This is a tough world, and sometimes you have to make tough decisions. And being turned to stone is one of the quickest and most painless ways to die that I can imagine.”

  “I don't think that's the part Rhonda was referring to,” said Frank.

  Katherine turned to Rhonda. “Then what is it?”

  “Did you at least try to think of other plans before you gouged out that poor creature's eyes?”

  “What are you...” Katherine backed the conversation up in her mind. “I didn't gouge out Basil's fucking eyes! Jesus Christ, what kind of person do you take me for?” She briefly regretted blurting that out, as it might have been beneficial for them to believe she was capable of some pretty psycho shit if they got out of line. Then she reconsidered. Respect was more valuable than fear. A crew full of people who all feared she might lose her shit and start gouging out eyes for insubordination might be more dangerous in the long run. “Some scorpion people stabbed his eyes out in the desert. That's why Randy adopted him.”

  The crew breathed out long relieved sighs and some uncomfortable laughter.

  “Maybe toss that detail in at the beginning next time you tell t
hat story,” said Tanner. “So you mentioned before that Nazere is now a tropical paradise, I believe is the term you used? That sounds nice.”

  Katherine shrugged. “That's what Captain Longfellow said the place was like before the Ice Queen arrived. The ice was still melting when we left, but it should all be gone by now.”

  “Captain!” called one of the elves who had eaten his fill and wandered to the bow. There was urgency in his voice, and not a trace of condescension.

  Katherine caught Tanner looking at her and checked her smugness. “Yes?” she called back.

  “There's something you need to see!”

  Everyone rushed to the front end of the ship. Katherine played it cool and moseyed after them.

  “What seems to be the problem?” she said when she caught up to the crowd.

  The elf pointed to the horizon on the ship's ten o'clock. “There.”

  Katherine squinted and saw a dark speck on the horizon. She'd seen a similar speck before.

  “What is it?” asked Frank, who was struggling to look over the railing.

  “Everybody calm down,” said Katherine. “It's probably just pirates.”

  “Is this ship fast enough to outrun them?” asked Tony the Elf.

  Katherine shrugged. “Probably. Nightwind is pretty fast. But then we'd have to sail off course.”

  “That beats getting boarded by pirates. Fritz, can you turn us around?”

  “Yo ho ho and a bottle of slow the fuck down, Longears.” Katherine tapped the brim of her captain's hat. “Do you see this hat? Do you know what it means? I like to think I've been pretty straightforward about this.”

  Tony the Elf sighed. “My apologies, Captain.” He bowed like a court douche. “Please proceed with giving the order.”

  So much for respect. This crew still had some learning to do.

  “Tanner,” Katherine said, giving Tony the Elf as icy a stare as she could muster. “Lower the sails.”

  “What?” said Tony the Elf.

  “What?” said Tanner.

  “Fritz,” said Katherine. “Drop the anchor.”

  Tony the Elf glanced at the ship on the horizon, then looked back at her with pleading eyes. “You're the captain, and we respect that. But this isn't the time to get in a pissing contest.”

  “Bullshit. You don't respect me or my position on this ship, but I'll be damned if you're not going to before you leave it. This is the perfect time for a pissing contest.” She shot Tanner a severe look. “Lower the sails!”

  Tanner straightened and nodded. “Yes, Captain!” He went immediately to the mainmast and started pulling down the sail.

  Katherine turned her glare to Fritz. “I don't see you dropping the anchor.”

  “I'm sorry, ma'am, but it won't do any good. We're in the middle of the ocean. The chain isn't long enough.”

  “Oh,” said Katherine. “Then don't do that.” She turned her attention to Frank, daring him to challenge her.

  “What's the plan, Captain?” said Frank. His tone was more nervous than resolute, but at least he wasn't trying to talk her out of anything without hearing what she had to say. That counted for something.

  “If they think we're surrendering, they won't attack us. They won't want to damage Nightwind since their plan is to steal it. And they'll want to keep the crew alive to sail it, especially if the crew is made up of a bunch of subservient pussies ready to surrender at the drop of a hat.”

  Frank stroked his beard. “So you think we have better odds of survival by surrendering?”

  Katherine rolled her eyes. “We're not surrendering shit. We're just luring them into a false sense of overconfidence.”

  “How is that sense false?” said Frank, his tone starting to get more desperate now. “They're a bunch of seasoned pirates. We're just a bunch of nerds in a world we don't belong in.”

  “Hmph,” said Katherine. “Some nerds you are. You're living every nerd's dream right now, and look what you're doing with it. You all should be totally stoked to be getting the chance to fight real live pirates. Instead, you're just whining and complaining. You don't deserve to call yourselves nerds.”

  Nightwind slowed to a drift.

  “I'm sorry, but that's bullshit,” said Tony the Elf. “You can't call our nerd cred into question because we don't want to be killed by pirates. Does that mean that the only true Batman fans are the ones who go into bad parts of town looking for criminals to punch? I mean, if we wanted to do this stuff for real, there wasn't anything back on Earth stopping us from grabbing a sword and running out into the woods to find a bear to stab. Understanding the difference between fantasy and reality doesn't make a person not a nerd. It just makes them sane.”

  “Even in game terms,” said Rhonda. “We aren't equipped for this. Maybe if we had gone out in the world more and gained Experience Points and leveled up, we could take on a ship full of seasoned pirates. But most of us here are only first or second level.”

  “We don't want to die,” Frank pleaded. “Seriously, look at us. Do we look like we have the stomach to fight pirates? We vastly outnumber you and could take this ship over and flee if we wanted to, but we don't even have the stomach to stand up to a half-elven woman, a wolf, and an NPC.”

  It might have been a thinly-veiled threat, but Katherine didn't get that from his tone. He was genuinely laying their coward cards down on the table.

  “I'm not asking you to fight pirates,” said Katherine. “I'll take care of the pirates. All you have to do is stand on the deck and look like you're about to piss yourselves with fear. I have every confidence that you can pull that off.”

  “And how, exactly, are you going to take care of the pirates?” asked Tony the Elf.

  Katherine smiled. “If you stick around, you'll see. If you take my ship and run, I'll explain it after I take it back and toss your asses overboard.” With that, she hoisted herself over the railing and started swimming for the approaching ship.

  When she and the ship got close enough so that she could make out individual sailors, she began swimming underwater, surfacing only to breathe and hoping to avoid being spotted. It took longer than she'd anticipated for them to meet, and her arms were sore.

  “Spiderbitch,” she said between pants just before the ship came within reach. She slapped a palm on the hull, but it didn't stick to the slippery wood. With two palms, she felt a little tug, but the ship continued sliding past her. If she didn't catch it on her third try, she doubted she'd get a fourth. She attacked the ship like she was trying to sexually assault a whale, spreading as much of her body on it as possible. Hands, forearms, breasts, knees. It worked. The ship was pulling her through the water, but still threatening to brush her off.

  Clinging to the hull with as much of herself as she could maintain, she inched upward until she was completely above the surface and out of immediate danger of being swept away. She crawled to the front of the ship, took the Bag of Holding out of the back of her jeans, and held the lip of the bag with her teeth. She reached in and said, “Portable Hole” as well as she could pronounce it.

  Feeling the silky square cloth in her hand, she pulled it out, then slapped it onto the hull just below the surface of the water. Satisfied by the suction of water gushing into the ship, she crawled up the side of the ship to eavesdrop. Along the way she read the ship's name painted high on the hull. Seastalker.

  “Look at her,” said a husky voice from above. Katherine froze. Had she been spotted?

  “What's she doing just staying still like a boil on my ass?” asked a second voice. “She must have some kind of understanding of what kind of trouble she's in.”

  Katherine pressed her body flat against the hull and looked up. Nobody was looking back down at her, but the conversation coming from above continued to make her feel uneasy.

  “Maybe that's just her way of showing submission,” said the first voice.

  “That's no fun. I like it when they put up a fight. Make us work for it a little.”

 
; Katherine felt a little bad that Denise wasn't here. She would have loved these guys.

  “You ever ridden one like that?”

  “Nah. Always wanted to, though.”

  “Mayhap once Captain Logan gets to poke around inside her, he'll want to put some of his semen on her.”

  What the fuck? They must be a pretty tight-knit crew to know all the captain's kinks.

  “She's nothing special,” said a third voice. “Sure, it's always a bit of fun to ride one you've never ridden before. But once you've ridden her for a while, you come to realize she smells of salt and old fish just like all the others.”

  Katherine gasped. I most certainly do not!

  “At the end of the day,” the third voice continued. “It all comes down to the mates you share her with.”

  It was disturbingly mesmerizing how casually they were discussing raping her. She was frozen in fascination at how much camaraderie could be fostered through discussing such unspeakable acts. Was this what Klan-sponsored barbecues were like? Thinking back to things she'd heard members of her own extended family say during barbecues back in Mississippi, she guessed maybe they weren't too far off.

  “You reckon she's got any loot in her hold?” said the first voice.

  What the hell does that mean? Does he have a pregnant woman fetish, or... Wait a minute! Have they been talking about Nightwind this whole time? But then what could he have meant by... Sea men!

  Katherine almost laughed with relief, but caught herself as she realized that she most likely hadn't been spotted. What an embarrassing way to announce her presence that would have been.

  Maybe these guys aren't so bad after all.

  “Loot shmoot,” said the third voice. “I just hope there's women aboard.” The others laughed.

  They might be interested in healthy consensual relationships. Nothing necessarily wrong with –

  “I hope there's children,” said the second voice.

  That, along with the responding laughter from the other two, alleviated any twinge of guilt Katherine had for what she was doing.

  “Mercy of the gods, Bosley!” said the first voice. “I reckon you'd fuck a pig if the opportunity presented itself.”