Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  “If it was young enough,” said Bosley. “Come to think of it, the very thought of it is raising my sails as we speak. I may have to rub one out before –”

  “The hull has been breached!” cried a voice from farther back on the ship. “We're taking in water! Lots of water!”

  That was Katherine's cue. She looked down to see that the word Seastalker was a little bit closer to the water's surface than it had been when she climbed up here. She crawled along the hull to the ship's rear, where there should be less eyes to notice her climbing up onto the deck.

  When she got there, she climbed to the top and peeked over the edge. As she'd guessed, the crew's attention was focused up front where the hole was.

  Katherine sat on Seastalker's rear bulwark, happily observing the chaos of sailors running around having no idea how to stop their ship from sinking. It must have been at least a full minute before someone spotted her.

  “Ho there!” shouted a heavyset curly-haired sailor, pointing at Katherine and silencing the chaos of the sailors nearest him. “Who in the Seven Hells are you?”

  The silence spread quickly until all eyes and several crossbows were fixed on her.

  Katherine waved. “Hello. My name is Katherine. I'm the captain of Nightwind, the ship you were trying to commandeer before I put a hole in your hull.”

  When she heard the clicks of crossbows being cocked, she held up a finger to suggest they may want to hear her out.

  “I'm also the only person who can stop your boat from sinking. Now which one of you is Captain Logan?”

  “Hold your fire!” said a dark-haired man in his mid-forties as he stepped forward. He was handsome in a rugged unbathed sort of way. His tailored red leather coat and matching wide-brimmed hat reflected a care for his appearance, but not an overwhelming consumption like the late Captain Martinoli. “I am Duke Logan. Welcome aboard Seastalker. How may I be of service?”

  “Cut the shit, Logan. You came after the wrong ship on the wrong day. You've got about ten minutes before we're all swimming, and I'm the only one who has anywhere to swim to. You can give me what I want, or you can try to grow some gills. What'll it be?”

  Captain Logan's charming facade faded, revealing his frustration. “I will not surrender my ship.” He knew he didn't have a lot of options, and he was trying to save face in front of his crew by making it seem like she was bending to one of his demands. She could grant him that much.

  “I don't want your fucking boat,” said Katherine. “It's got a hole in it.”

  “Then what do you want?”

  “First, I want all your food.”

  “Our food?”

  “All of it, including booze.” After a pause, she added, “Especially booze.”

  “If you take all our food, then what shall we eat?” asked Captain Logan. “Starving to death is no better than drowning.”

  Katherine reached into her Bag of Holding. “Shark.”

  The huge shark carcass spilled out of the bag and landed with a splat on the rear deck.

  Captain Logan stared wide-eyed at the dead shark, specifically at the mutilated flesh on its side where Tony the Elf had hacked away meat with a machete. “You have been eating this?”

  “Yeah. It tastes like piss, but it will keep you alive until you reach a port.”

  “Sharks, they urinate through their skin.”

  “I know that, motherfucker. Do you want to swap shark trivia, or do you want me to move on to my second demand?”

  “You have more demands?”

  “You were trying to steal my ship. Did you really think you were going to get off with just having to survive on piss meat for a few days?”

  Captain Logan sighed. “What is your second demand?”

  “I want your weapons.”

  All eyes turned to Captain Logan.

  The captain looked down at the hilt of the sword in his scabbard, then at Katherine. “This was my father's sword.”

  “Awwwww,” said Katherine. “Like I give a fuck.” She rolled up her Bag of Holding. “And I think you may have misunderstood me. When I said I want your weapons, I meant the plural your. I want all of your weapons.” She tossed the balled up bag to the captain.

  Captain Logan snatched the bag out of the air, not taking his glare off Katherine. “You ask too much. I will give you the food, but you cannot have our weapons.”

  Katherine folded her arms and pressed her lips together. She'd given up as much ground as she was going to give. The water was getting closer to the top of the bulwarks with every passing second. He could keep his ship and the lives of his crew until they tried to fuck over the next wrong person, or he could keep his precious weapons for another couple of hours before he and his crew drowned or got eaten by sea monsters or whatever.

  “Very well.” Captain Logan held the bag open. “Weapons! Now!”

  The grumbling crew crowded around him, each dropping their weapons into the bag. They knew the score just as well as their captain did. The shark staring open-mouthed at them with its cold dead eyes was a not-so-friendly reminder of what was waiting for them if they didn't comply.

  “Once you've put your weapons in the bag, run and get all our rum and rations,” the captain ordered his men. “Hurry!”

  Katherine glanced back at the water a few times to make sure she could get back to the Portable Hole before water started spilling in over the sides, at which point they wouldn't be able to bail out the ship. Sure, this was a group of cutthroats and criminals, and the world would probably be better off if she let them all drown, but she knew how it felt to get fucked over. She also knew how it felt to fuck over someone else, and that was arguably worse. Those days were behind her. She was a new Katherine now. She was captain of Nightwind, and she had a reputation to build. Fortunately, the water was plenty high enough to stall the ship for a good long time, but still had a ways to go before the point of no return.

  When his crew had finished tossing everything they had into the Bag of Holding, Captain Logan took off his belt and lowered it, with his sword and scabbard, into the bag.

  “Are you satisfied now, Katherine, captain of Nightwind? Or do you want my semen as well?”

  “What the fuck?” said Katherine. His tone sounded really petulant for that to be a come-on. Then she remembered.

  Sea men.

  “Can't you call them your crew? Or, like, minions or something?” Katherine had a sudden idea. “You know what? I think I would like one of your sea men. Which one of you is Bosley?”

  As bitter as they were, the crew had themselves a chuckle at that.

  A beefy half-orc with a patch over his left eye and a long scar running under it and down his cheek stepped forward. His greenish-grey skin wasn't as filthy as Cooper's, but his nauseating sneer more than made up for it.

  “I'm Bosley,” he said. His gravelly voice confirmed it. “But I'm afraid you're not my type, little lady.”

  The crew laughed even harder at that.

  Katherine could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. There wasn't much more insulting than being turned down by a serial rapist.

  She turned to Captain Logan. “Bag him, and I'll spare your ship.”

  Captain Logan's face turned desperate. “You can't ask me to give up one of my sea men. How will the others follow me after I've betrayed one of them?”

  “I'd be okay with it,” said one of the other sailors.

  “What?” said Bosley. His cocksure smirk vanished instantly.

  “It's the right thing to do,” said another sailor. “For the sake of the rest of us. We'll respect you more for it.”

  “I never liked Bosley anyway,” said a voice from the back.

  Captain Logan shrugged at Bosley. “Honestly, neither did I. Hold him.”

  The two sailors on either side of Bosley seized him by his arms.

  “You sons of whores!” snarled Bosley as he struggled in vain to free himself. “Mark my words. You'll all be damned to the depths. There's a special place
in the Abyss for those who betray their –” Whatever else he had to say was silenced when Captain Logan pulled the Bag of Holding down over his head.

  Other crewmen held his arms pinned down to his sides while the captain pulled the bag further down. When Bosley was fully engulfed by the bag, Captain Logan rolled it up and tossed it back to Katherine.

  “This is not the end,” he said. “I will find you.”

  Katherine instinctively wanted to say, “Good luck,” but that didn't work out so hot for the guys in Taken. She had something more dramatic in mind for her departure anyway. With Seastalker's captain and crew watching, she reached into the Bag of Holding.

  Bosley's heart. Bosley's heart. Bosley's heart.

  It had seemed like such a badass way to make her exit and take out a rapist, but now that it was showtime, she had a sudden case of stage fright.

  Come on, Kat. Think of the kids in this guy's past. Think of the ones in his future. Think of how fast your reputation will spread across the seas of this world after you toss that sick fuck's still-beating heart on the deck in front of all his former shipmates.

  She tried to say it without thinking, but she simply couldn't force the words out.

  “Goddammit. Bosley.”

  The one-eyed half-orc rapist spilled out of the bag and landed hard on the deck. It was about a five foot drop from where she was sitting, and he landed on his head. So that was satisfying, as was knowing that he would spend the rest of this trip knowing that everyone else, including the captain, was ready to sell him out at the drop of a hat.

  Katherine waved to Captain Logan. “I'll go and fix your ship now. So long, Captain.”

  Seastalker wasn't built to sail this low in the water, so the sails had been lowered lest the wind snap the masts. Consequently, it sat in the water like a tired fat guy who didn't have the strength to get up out of his chair.

  Katherine let herself fall backwards off the bulwark like a scuba diver, but she misjudged the height and hit the water with a hard belly flop. It stung, but at least no one saw her... probably.

  She pressed her hands against the hull and felt herself cling to the ship. The spell was still working. She had another one prepared, but hoped this one would last until she was able to crawl to the front of the ship and grab the Portable Hole.

  She crawled along the hull as close to the water as she could, but as low as the ship was, she was close enough to the deck to hear the sailors' footsteps as they followed along to watch her. When she reached the bow, she went under. She didn't fully appreciate just how far down the ship had sunk until she saw how far down the Portable Hole was. These guys were going to spend days bailing this ship out.

  Digging under a corner of the hole with her fingernail, she pulled it off the ship's hull and slapped it back on the side of her jeans, then swam up for air.

  Captain Logan and most of his crew were staring down at her.

  Katherine gave them a thumbs up. “All patched up.” She tried to think of a good line to part ways on, but nothing that came to mind sounded appropriately cool, especially compared to the Bosley's heart thing. Ah well. If she spent too long trying to think of something, the silence would grow awkward. And besides, her arms were getting tired, and she still had a considerable distance to swim. “Take it easy.” She started swimming back to Nightwind.

  “GET HER!” Captain Logan screamed furiously. Even before she could turn her head back to look, she heard splashes raining down behind her.

  Shit! Why didn't I see this coming?

  Either Captain Logan didn't believe she'd held up her end of the deal, or he didn't see any repercussions about not keeping his.

  Katherine swam as hard as she could, but she knew she couldn't outswim a bunch of seasoned pirates. All they needed was one to catch up to her, and he could slow her down enough for the rest to pile on.

  The first hand grabbed her ankle. She tried to kick it away, but whoever this was meant business.

  “Hello, Captain,” said Bosley, pulling her back toward him. “I've changed my mind about you. You might be my type after all.”

  Katherine struggled and thrashed in the water, but she knew she was too late. The other sailors had caught up, and they were grabbing her other leg and her arms. She was doing all she could now just to keep her head above water.

  Wait a second. This is stupid. Why don't I just turn into a dire bat and fly away? No, no, no! Katherine, you've got to stop thinking of vampire solutions to solve all your problems. You're NOT a vampire anymore. The Spider Climb spell was a lucky exception, but you can't turn into a –

  She stopped struggling.

  Holy shit! I can totally turn into a dire bat! Hell, I can turn into all sorts of animals. But for now, let's stick to dire bat.

  Katherine could feel her whole body changing. It was strange, but not painful. Her foot shrank and pulled out of Bosley's hand as her leg retracted into her furry body. The men's screams filled her ears, which were rapidly increasing in sensitivity even as they shrank.

  It felt good to be a bat again. She slapped the water awkwardly a couple of times before finally catching some air under her wings, and soon she was flying, leaving behind a bunch of bewildered pirates to question their sanity.

  As relieved as she was to have escaped them, it was a shitty time of day to be flying around as a bat. The sunlight glaring off the water was giving her a headache and blurring her vision. She closed her eyes and screeched out some bat profanity to find Nightwind via echolocation.

  It was remarkable how clear a picture that painted of her surroundings in her mind. She couldn't see colors or anything, but shapes came to her in crystal clear bursts with every screech she belted out.

  “What the fuck is that?” said Tony the Elf. His voice was far clearer than it should have been given the distance between them. She couldn't tell which one of the vaguely human-shaped blobs on the ship he was, but she could hear him like she was standing right next to him.

  “I think it's a dire bat,” said Tanner. “Did Katherine get turned into a vampire again while I was dead?”

  Frank, easily identifiable as a gnome-sized blob next to him, shook his head. “No. It must be a regular dire bat. But what's it doing out here on the ocean?”

  “Maybe they're transporting animals,” suggested Rhonda. “It's bound to taste better than shark. Should we shoot it?”

  What? No, you idiots! It's me, Katherine!

  “Vampire or not,” said Tanner. “I cannot help but feel that Katherine swimming toward that ship and the dire bat coming from it are not coincidental.”

  Frank nodded. “It's one bat. We can take it if we have to. Let's just wait and see what it does, but grab something to hit it with just in case.”

  Oh great. I just saved all their asses, and they're going to beat the crap out of me with oars and shit as soon as I land on the deck.

  A deck landing wasn't very suitable for a bat anyway. Instead, she flew to a yard extending from the mainmast and hung upside-down from it.

  Changing back into her half-elf form was like rapidly turning down the volume on the radio. That was weird. Weirder still, she didn't snap her neck from landing headfirst on the deck. Changing forms while hanging upside-down was an oversight she would try not to repeat, but fortunately her Spider Climb spell was still in effect.

  She walked upside-down to the mast, then climbed down to the deck to meet her crew, who were all gawking at her. Their expressions showed nothing short of awe.

  “Hey guys. Thanks for sticking around.”

  Chapter 19

  Tim sat up front to keep Officer Williams from trying anything, which put Dave in the back seat with Vaeryn. She kept the gun on her lap, pointed at him with her finger near the trigger. Ostensibly, this was to remind Tim that Dave was her hostage, but Dave suspected part of it had to do with the awkwardness in the cul-de-sac.

  “What would you all like?” asked Officer Williams when he pulled into the Taco Bell drive-thru. He was remarkably good
-spirited for someone who was covered in his own blood and being held at gunpoint.

  Dave craned his neck to get a better look at the menu.

  “Just order, like, a dozen Burrito Supremes and let's get the fuck out of here,” said Tim.

  The car in front of them moved forward, and Officer Williams pulled up to the speaker.

  “Welcome to Taco Bell,” said a barely coherent crackling voice. “What can I get for you?”

  Vaeryn looked around frantically. “Who said that?”

  Tim rolled his eyes. “Jesus.” He leaned over Officer Williams. “Twelve Burrito Supremes and four Cokes.”

  “Is Pepsi okay?”

  Tim grimaced. “Fuck no.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Lemonades,” Tim said after scowling at the menu for a few seconds.

  “Large, medium, or small.”

  “Fucking hell, lady. I don't know. Large.”

  “Would you like to add churros to your order for only ninety-nine cents each?”

  “You mean the price they're clearly listed at on the menu that I've already seen and opted not to order? No, as a matter of fact. I fucking wouldn't.”

  “I don't appreciate the tone you're taking with me, sir.”

  “Oh, don't you?” Tim laughed. “Well, shit. Minimum Wage Mickey in the Taco Bell drive-thru doesn't like my tone. I guess I'd better turn my fucking life around.”

  As long as their food was almost certainly going to have spit in it anyway, Dave figured he might as well order something he actually wanted.

  “Can I get a Cheesy Gordita Crunch?”

  Tim sighed. “No, Dave. You can't. If I gave a shit what you wanted, I would have asked you. We're trying to speed this along. Speaking of which...” He leaned toward the speaker. “Hey, Captain Ambition. What's the total?”

  “Is there a problem here?” The new voice coming from the speaker was louder and more authoritative.

  “Yeah, there's a fucking problem,” said Tim. “You're paying that shitbag employee of yours too much. This should be a simple transaction. We give you money, and you give us fucking burritos. How complicated is that?”