The Vlogger Diaries

by T. Collins

  I know the vlog hasn’t been going that long, but I was really hoping for more.

  It would take me years to save up for the New York trip at this rate. I’m really thinking I should just take the diet cream money and forget about it.

  THURSDAY APRIL 20TH

  I was on the verge of accepting the diet cream cash this evening. But just before I did, I checked back on the tooth jewel video. It had been given 406 more dislikes and only 15 more likes. And there were lots of worrying new comments:

  xxFashionGirlxx

  OMG we are so alike. I’m ordering Sparkle Smiles right now!

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  I bought a pack of these tooth jewels after watching this video. One of them fell off while I was eating and cracked my filling. Why did you say they were good?

  Chloe C

  I wore the tooth jewels to school this morning and everyone teased me and said I was trying to look cool. Then I got sent home for breaking school uniform rules because I couldn’t take them off. I’ve got an appointment with the dentist tomorrow to have them removed.

  Jaydenisonfire

  My tooth jewels arrived yesterday. I had to use so much glue to keep them on it upset my stomach and I had an accident in class. NO ONE SHOULD EVER BUY THEM.

  Reading these comments made me feel awful. These were the same fans who’d got behind the vlog from the start and how had I repaid them? I’d tricked them into buying useless rubbish that sent them fleeing to the nearest dentist or toilet.

  I couldn’t bring myself to tell them to buy the slimming cream too. I just couldn’t.

  I forced myself to reply to the cream people and tell them I still didn’t think they were right for my brand. I felt like New York was getting further away with every letter I typed. But I’m glad I did it.

  FRIDAY APRIL 21ST

  I’m not going to take any more money for dodgy product placement. I’m going to earn enough for the New York trip, and I’m going to do it through ad money alone. That means I’ve got to make videos that will get hundreds of thousands of views, not just thousands.

  I can’t wait any longer to split up Gale and Destiny. I’m going to do it in the next video.

  SATURDAY APRIL 22ND

  MORNING EYE-MAKEUP ROUTINE | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Hey guys. Today I’ll be taking you through my morning eye-makeup routine. Which means we’re going to begin with my scary naked face again. Sorry not sorry!

  I start off with a light concealer, dabbing it under my eyes. I usually blend it with a large brush like this. Be careful not to get it in your eyes, especially if you’ve just woken up. We all know what it’s like. You pressed the snooze button too many times, you have to do your makeup in the three minutes before the bus arrives, disaster looms.

  [I had to ask Emma about her morning eye-makeup routine to write this, as I don’t have one. I have a bad relationship with makeup. Whenever I put it on I feel like everyone’s staring at me.]

  Next comes the eye shadow. I’m taking a stiff domed brush along the crease of my eye and blending it outwards. Let me lean in so you can see.

  Then I put on my eyeliner, using a standard eye pencil …

  Whoops, that’s my phone. I’ll just reject the call …

  Er … okay guys, it’s Gale. I need to take this. Back in a minute.

  [At this point Emma made herself cry using a method she’d learned in drama school where you have to think of something really sad. I’d think about all the money I lost from turning down the diet cream promotion.]

  I’m sorry. I can’t go on right now. Gale just called me and … I don’t even know how to say this …

  He wants to break up.

  I’m sorry. You’ll have to give me a minute.

  [I cut again while Emma made herself cry some more. It didn’t help that we could hear Charlie laughing from his room. His laugh is really annoying, like a seal being run over. But Emma managed to work herself up until the mascara was running down her cheeks and it looked really dramatic.]

  He said he needed some space and that it wasn’t me, it was him. He said he wasn’t in the right place for commitment.

  I’m going to leave it here, guys. But keep your comments coming. They mean so much to me.

  It turned out Emma had got herself so much into the character she still felt sad even after we finished filming. I had to fetch a box of tissues and tell her how brilliant she was for half an hour. Eventually she cheered up and thanked me for writing such a good script. You’d never guess she was the same person who blanks me in the lunch hall.

  I uploaded the video this evening and went down for dinner. Mum and Dad have this weird rule that I’m not allowed to look at my phone during mealtimes so we can all sit together and talk as a family. The main thing I talk about is how I wish I could look at my phone.

  Today was even worse than usual. How many likes and comments was I missing as I shovelled in Dad’s chicken pasta? I ate it so quickly I actually gave myself hiccups. Soon everyone will have Wi-Fi in their brains so their parents can’t cut them off from the world just for the sake of family mealtimes.

  By the time it was over the new video already had over 5000 views and 400 likes. It had 200 dislikes too, but I’m sure they meant they disliked Destiny getting dumped rather than the video itself.

  I began to feel a little guilty as the comments poured in, because some of the fans were really upset. But I told myself they were upset in a good way, like when you cry at the end of a slushy film.

  xxFashionGirlxx

  OMG

  DestinyMonster02

  ZOMG

  Leah Yeah Yeah

  XOMG

  Abi To The Gail

  Unable

  DatFreakyGrrl

  So sorry to hear this, Destiny. You still have us and we will always be there for you. If there is anything we can do let us know.

  Sweet Kitten Buttercup

  GALE YOU WILL TAKE DESTINY BACK. IF YOU DO NOT I WILL LOOK FOR YOU AND I WILL BREAK YOU.

  Poppy M

  When you’re trying to hold back the tears but life is too much.

  Planet Kate

  He did not deserve you. #proudofdestiny

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  I am happy because now you will have more time for us.

  Chloe C

  If you were a true fan you would want her to be happy for herself.

  Evil Liam 13

  It’s probably because he saw you without makeup on.

  Queen Ashley III

  Pls make another video let us know your alright.

  Pixie Sunshine YAY

  This hit me in the feels.

  Kanya2003

  Destiny I am sending my love and support from Chiang Mai in northern Thailand.

  Lothario99

  I’m a single guy and I think we should get together now you are single too. Message me for coffee.

  Queen Ashley III

  OMG literally she has just broken up. Men are dogs.

  SUNDAY APRIL 23RD

  The Gale and Destiny breakup video already has over 50,000 views. And I’ve been sent a new message:

  Hi Destiny

  So sorry to hear about your relationship troubles. I’ve been there myself and let me tell you it DOES get better.

  In the meantime I’d like to offer you an exciting opportunity to get on board with GlamValue, one of the most talked-about budget cosmetics brands in the world.

  Here’s the deal:

  We send you a box of our non-run mascara and you include it in your next tutorial. Halfway through, you break down and reminisce about Gale. For example, you could remember a time when you walked along a beach at sunset. That’s just a starting point – run with it and have fun.

  As you cry again, you point out that your mascara isn’t running. We think this would be a fab real-life product demo.

  We will offer you a one-off fee of £500 for this.

  Let me know what you think,

  Karen Spice
r

  Social Imagineer

  GlamValue Cosmetics

  Again, I’m very tempted. If Karen Spicer is starting at £500, maybe I can get her up to £1000. Also, most of the online reviews say the mascara is actually pretty good, so I won’t be tricking any fans this time.

  Hmm …

  MONDAY APRIL 24TH

  No. I promised myself I wouldn’t take any more product placements. And this Karen ‘imagineer’ woman seems really insensitive. If Destiny were real, imagine how upset she’d be at someone trying to cash in on her misery.

  Oh well. At least I got to write a message that made me feel good:

  Dear Karen Spicer

  I’m afraid I cannot accept your offer to demonstrate your non-run mascara with my tears. This is a difficult time for me and I have more important things to think about. Also, MY FEELINGS ARE NOT FOR SALE.

  Destiny

  TUESDAY APRIL 25TH

  SPRING SALE HAUL | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Hi guys. So sorry about last time. But it’s all behind me now and we’re back to business as usual.

  Normal service has been resumed! And guess what? It’s haul time. I’ve been trawling the sales for bargains … Yay! We love bargains!

  First up is this pink jumper. I picked this up for just a few pounds, can you believe it? It’s very soft and super super pretty. But be warned, it’s a bit see-through. Well, a lot see-through. Look at my hand underneath it. So wear it on top of something else or … error!

  Next up is this blue vest top. This was just … I got this …

  [At this point Emma made herself think about sad things again. She tried to smile, but her bottom lip wobbled and tears rolled down her cheeks. It was really convincing. I wish I could make myself distraught on cue like that. I’d have to watch a whole box set of weepy movies while chopping onions to get myself in that state.]

  Sorry guys. This has been more difficult for me than I expected. I’m not in a great place, and I think maybe I should give the vlog a rest. But thanks so much for your comments. You’re such a big part of my life and I care just as much about you as you do about me. But maybe I need to take a break …

  [At this point Emma buried her face in the pink jumper and sobbed, which was a good bit of improvisation, but I don’t think I can take it back now. You can’t return cried-in clothes, even if you keep the receipt. Now I wish I’d at least asked for a free sample of the non-run mascara.]

  The view count for this video shot past 50,000 almost instantly. The fans are obviously desperate for the next episodes in the saga, even if they only feature Destiny snivelling into a bargain.

  The comments flooded in once again:

  Floral Print Flora

  OMG I can’t believe what has happen. This is awful.

  Its Me Sophie

  Sending hugs

  Koharu99

  I am visiting from Tokyo next month and would like to stay in your house. What is your house address?

  Thats so Katy

  Don’t worry. Everything happens for a reason.

  Evil Liam 13

  And sometimes the reason is that you’re really annoying.

  Poppy M

  *wipes tears away* I will never forgive Gale for what he has done to us.

  PlanetLover382

  Guys, let’s get some perspective here. Why are we all getting worked up about this when there are issues such as the destruction of the rainforests in South America?

  xxFashionGirlxx

  That is not what this video is about. OMG shut up. People like you make me so angry.

  PlanetLover382

  I’m sorry if I made you angry. My aim was merely to get us to think about wider issues.

  Sabrina Pony Lover

  We will always love you whatever that SNAKE Gale does.

  WEDNESDAY APRIL 26TH

  I woke up early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went online and watched the views and comments rack up. It was great to know that even then, as the first streaks of pink were appearing in the sky, there were fans around the world watching the new video and sharing their opinion of it.

  Starting at the new school has been tough but, without my vlog, it would have been awful. Nothing is better than the laughs and gossip you share with real-life friends. But if you can’t have those, a thumbs up or a nice comment is a pretty good substitute.

  9PM

  The next time Emma is free to come round is Saturday, but the fans are starting to worry and I’m not sure what to do:

  Just Being Courtney H

  Don’t leave us. We need you.

  Poppy M

  I have been so sad I cannot eat. Please come back and tell us you are fine.

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  You are a big part of our life too, please come back to us.

  10PM

  I just commented on the Spring Sale Haul video as Destiny. I hope this will be enough to put the fans at ease until Friday.

  Destiny

  Hi guys! Thanks so much for all your awesome comments. I’m not feeling in the best place to return to the vlog right now, but I want you all to know how much your support means. Gale was my first true love and this has been really tough. But I’ll get through with help from ice cream, slushy movies and you guys. My fandom really makes a difference to me. I feel like I can be myself and you won’t judge. Please keep your comments coming and keep sharing my channel on Facebook and Twitter. Back soon, love you.

  Karla Turner Phillips (MachineGunKarla)

  Be strong hon xxx

  Planet Kate

  Proud of Destiny Channel

  Poppy M

  Destiny Fam will always be there for you.

  Its Me Sophie

  *group hug*

  THURSDAY APRIL 27TH

  Charlie didn’t annoy me today. This is so unusual I thought I’d mention it. Most vloggers have delightful siblings with their own channels and they make adorable crossover videos. I have an overexcited little piglet who can only concentrate for more than ten seconds when he’s thinking of ways to troll me.

  Oh wait a moment, I spoke too soon. I can hear him laughing at videos in his room. Looks like he has managed to annoy me today after all.

  Charlie’s tastes are so weird. Instead of subscribing to channels to discover new stuff, he watches the same videos over and over again, and finds them just as funny every time. He always puts his speakers really loud, so I have to hear the same soundtracks booming through my wall over and over again, followed by his idiot seal laugh.

  The videos are:

  Ultimate Fail Compilation

  Bald Guy Sets His Trousers on Fire

  Ostrich Attacks Girl on Pony

  Skateboarding Dog

  Killer Clown Scary Prank

  Maybe I should set up a channel especially for idiots featuring nothing but those videos. It would be a dream for advertisers. They could reach that elusive moron market who are so dumb they’ll buy anything you tell them to.

  FRIDAY APRIL 28TH

  Sebastian sat next to me in maths again. I kept my bag on the seat as he approached, but he put it on the floor himself.

  Thanks for taking the hint, Cheese Breath.

  Again he launched into boasting, as if I’d asked him to list his achievements in life so far. I managed to tune them out, but the word ‘vlog’ got my attention.

  I asked him to repeat what he’d just said, which must have been a first for him. He told me he runs a ‘massively popular’ channel about first-person shooter games.

  I told him to define ‘massively popular’ and he said some of his videos have got over 500 views.

  Big whoop! My videos probably got more than that in the time it took him to brag about his so-called success.

  I was trying really hard to keep quiet, but when he described himself as a ‘Social Media Rock Star’, I couldn’t hold back.

  I told him I had a vlog that regularly got 100,000 views. As soon as the words left my mouth, I wished I’d
kept quiet. All I needed was for him to track down my vlog and work out Destiny was fictional, and he’d be able to blackmail me. He could ask for money, or even worse, he could make me pretend we were friends.

  I backtracked right away. I said it wasn’t true really and I’d just been trying to impress him because I was jealous of his amazing vlog. Then I had to distract him by asking about games until the end of the lesson.

  Looking interested was really tough. I fixed a grin on my face and held my breath as he compared the strategic merits of a Weevil submachine gun and a SVG-100 sniper rifle in the new Call of Duty game.

  Sebastian did tell me one interesting thing, though. He’s not going on the New York trip. So if I do manage to make enough to go, there’s no chance of getting stuck next to him on the flight. Even more reason to get the vlog to take off.